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My dad fucking wins the prize. Every day.


Guest imported_El Mamerro

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Guest imported_El Mamerro

So far, so good... no retaliation yet. This is scary cause I find myself remembering the event less and less, which could make me careless and more susceptible to surprise attacks.

 

I should probably tattoo it on my forearm like the guy from Memento... "REMEMBER YOUR DAD'S BALLS"

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  • 1 year later...

So, whats up with Dad's revenge? Still waiting? One time, I hit a friend in the face with a pie in front of about 150 people, and she waited about four years for the perfect opportunity to get me back... being a drunken prankster is like being a ninja or some shit. You gotta sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life.

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here's one for you...one night, long ago, i went over to a friend's house, and he had just come up on one of the BIG bottles of bacardi. such actions should not go unheeded or unpunished, and this night was no exception. i helped myself to the hospitality in much the same way that tony montana does cocaine- without restraint or regard to consequences.

 

the rest of the story is anecdotal. it was told to me by my dad, who a) doesn't drink, and b)has a sense of humor that is paralleled only by his mean streak, both of which i inherited, thank god. here he goes-

 

"i woke up around two a.m., with the front door wide open...i figured you were home, so i went into your room to yell at you...but you weren't in there. i thought maybe you were outside smoking, so i went and unlocked the door and went into my room, to be greeted by very loud snoring. i walked over to my bed, and there you were, passed out with your clothes and shoes on. i tried to wake you, and then smelled...SOMETHING, i don't know, whatever it was that you drank. i got a broom handle and sat and poked you until you woke up- i know better than to try to wake up someone who's blacked out at close range, they might start swinging or projectile vomiting. after jabbing you for a while you said something like, 'whuzzat? whuh? uunnhh...? zzzzzzzz...'

i said, 'hey, you're in the wrong room, get up," and you said, 'oh man, i gotta go home," to which i replied, "you ARE home," then you passed out again. i considered putting your hand in a bowl of warm water, but realized that you were in MY bed. i finally got you on your feet, pointed you towards the door, and said, "okay, baby steps." this must have been the wrong thing to say, since you then fell forward, flat on your face, and started snoring again. i figured that you would make it out eventually, and if you had to barf you'd be closer to the bathroom in the doorway of my room than if you were in your room with the door closed. i also figured that the shock of waking up with a blinding hangover on the floor of my room, with me in it, would be more effective than anything i could think of."

 

actually, i ended up somehow getting to my bed on my own, with no recollection of the events of the night before. surprisingly, the next day he wasn't even mad- he told me all of this with a smile on his face. now that i think about it, he's just the kind of guy that WOULD fuck with the first guy to pass out at a party with his shoes on....i guess i'll never know. i don't even know if i WANT to know. however, he told me that he learned what kind of drunk i was that night, and that he was less concerned with me getting into fights at bars-instead, he was more concerned with having to step over me passed out on the sidewalk on the way to work. thanks, dad.

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:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

 

I remember one time waking up and catching my oldman standing in the hallway pissing on his bedroom door. I was like "what the fuck are you doing!?!?" he turns his head and says "whaat thuz it lok llike, I'm usthing tha batrum" "whath you watchin me forr? :krunk: "

:biglaugh: :biglaugh:

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Originally posted by SF1@Aug 25 2005, 05:00 PM

:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

 

I remember one time waking up and catching my oldman standing in the hallway pissing on his bedroom door. I was like "what the fuck are you doing!?!?" he turns his head and says "whaat thuz it lok llike, I'm usthing tha batrum" "whath you watchin me forr? :krunk: "

:biglaugh: :biglaugh:

".....dammmmnnnunun...whaddaya doin' in here anywayzzzz....""
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  • 3 years later...
So, pretty much any time I go out drinking with my family, majorly fun times are expected, but last night was fucking special.

 

1) Dad, taking advantage of the fact that mom pussied out and didn't come, lays the ultraMACKdown on some old lady at the bar, who was on the nuts like whoa. She inserted her tongue in his ear and even attempted to smuggle him into the ladies' bathroom. After she left the place a complete drunken mess, dad turns to us and says "Old friend. I fucked the shit out of that woman before any of you were even born". Standing ovation.

 

2) My brother gets pantsed in the middle of the entire place, and instead of pulling his pants back up, he hops onto the stage, grabs the mic from the vocalist, and screams "WE'RE GOING STREAAAAKIIIIIIING!!!!!" á la Old School. Dad hits him in the balls while still on stage, brother crumples into a heap.

 

3) Dad goes up to a complete stranger and asks "Wow, you look Hindu. Are you Hindu?" and begins singing that weird Indian song that has the Knight Rider theme in it (I think it's by Panjabi MC or something of the sort). The guy, baffled, walks away slowly.

 

4) Dad disappears for the rest of the night. We continue drinking.

 

 

 

The Grand Finale

 

Just five minutes ago, mom came to me and asks me if dad drank a lot last night. Of course he fucking did, why does she even ask? Well..

 


  • Apparently, mom got up in the middle of the night when she heard strange noises in the room. She turns on the light and finds dad urinating all over the electric fan, which was set on "High" and which was spraying the piss back all over him. Mom goes into a hysterical screaming fit, which apparently dazes dad enough to make him turn away from the fan to piss all over the floor instead. Mom continues to scream and throw things at him until he gets the hint and tries to walk to the bathroom, but instead slips on the puddle and falls on his face, taking the fan down with him. So there he was, my father, on the floor, naked, covered in his own urine, with a fan still set on "High" blowing piss all over the place. And there I was, still at the bar drinking, completely missing out on this incredibly awesome event. Dad has absolutely no recollection of the event. He still got up at 7 AM to go to work, which involves precision dental work.

 

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Let's hear it for Chaúl AlVarez, a true legend in the annals of Fatherhood Heroes.

 

 

http://newcamp.net/hector/images/familia/dad.gif'>

 

 

 

 

 

 

LMAO!!!!

 

And here I thought waking up to the sound of my pops pissing on his bedroom door, yelling at him "WTF ARE YOU DOING???", and him slurring "WTF does it look like i'm doing?" was an epic story. :lol:

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