mental invalid Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 THE SUN IS OUT!!!!!!!!! Free Will Astrology horoscopes for week of June 5, 2003 Aries (March 21-April 19) I enjoyed "Matrix Reloaded," but I hope you won't see it or any film like it this week. It was loud, frenetic, pounding, bewildering, and epic: the exact opposite of what you need right now. You will thrive instead on intimate, subtle pleasures, Aries; you will come alive in the presence of understated, soulful influences that are full of nuance. The experiences that will lead you to your best destiny will awaken your sensitivity and move you to meditate on lyrical truths. Taurus (April 20-May 20) In the series finale of the long-running TV show, "Touched by an Angel," the Madonna-like angel Monica is offered a promotion. All these years she has struggled to help one bumbling human after another climb up out of the gutter; now she has a chance to move up to the cushy job of supervisor, where she won't have to wrestle with so much chaos. But she turns down the gig, and chooses instead to stay at her job of redeeming the ragtag multitudes. I believe you'll come to a comparable juncture in your own life during the coming months, Taurus. One path will lead to more comfort and prestige; the other will bring more interesting challenges and inspiring surprises. I'm not sure what the right decision is, but the sooner you start ruminating about it, the more likely it is you'll do what's wisest for the long-term. Gemini (May 21-June 20) You're in a phase when you may be tempted to start food fights at fancy dinner parties, wrap toilet paper around the trees in front of your adversaries' houses, and regard the juvenile delinquents of cable TV's "South Park" as worthy role models. I hate to discourage you from indulging this instinct for uproar, since so much of it could be fun and liberating. Therefore, I'm going to authorize you to go right ahead. But please keep a fraction of your adult brain working in the background, ready to step in and halt the proceedings if you're ever about to, say, imitate the South Park kids' "How to eat with your butt" routine for your boss. Cancer (June 21-July 22) If you're swallowed whole by a whale or a dragon this week, don't panic: It's much better than being chewed into little pieces before being swallowed, which is definitely not going to happen. And according to my reading of the astrological omens, while you may spend a few days in the belly of the beast, you will eventually be…uh…expelled intact out the other end. Then it'll just be a matter of navigating the winding path back home. The entire experience will no doubt be humbling, Cancerian, but it will also have the salubrious effect of scouring you clean of a whole mess of karma. Leo (July 23-August 22) "Can you find an imperfection on Halle Berry? We can't." So writes Hollywood.com's Scott Huver about the Oscar-winning beauty born under the sign of Leo. Huver also notes that People magazine has five times named Berry one of the 50 Most Beautiful People and that Playboy called her one of the 100 sexiest women of the twentieth century. And how does Berry herself feel about her looks? "To be totally honest," she told the German magazine "Journal fur die Frau," "most of the time I think I'm ugly." I absolutely forbid you to exhibit this kind of self-abasement in the coming week, Leo. You may not, under any circumstances, denigrate your own gorgeous radiance. It's crucial for both yourself and everyone you encounter that you celebrate your magnificence. Virgo (August 23-September 22) "Nothing worse could happen to one than to be completely understood." So said pioneer psychologist Carl Jung. If you think what he said is true, you should take action immediately, because you're in imminent danger of being well understood by at least two people. If on the other hand you're confident you can handle the odd sensation of being seen for exactly who you are, do nothing other than what you're already doing. Libra (September 23-October 22) Marriages in India are usually arranged by relatives of the bride and groom, and most couples who wed come from the same religion or caste. There are daring rebels who ignore those customs, though, and choose to marry for love. One of their champions is a social worker named Biswanath Ramachandra Champa Swapnaji Taslima Voltaire. He has launched a new political party for lovers called the Lovers' Green-Globalist Godfree-Humanist Party. "Only those who love can effectively change society," he says, "and my new party will be their platform." I bring this up, Libra, because it's a perfect astrological moment for you to launch your own Lovers' Party. You have a growing knack for bringing intimacy and tenderness into political struggles. When helping your tribe deal with its dilemmas in the coming weeks, you'll be able to summon ingenious expressions of compassion. Scorpio (October 23-November 21) My dream last night informed me that if I hoped to compose an accurate horoscope for you, I'd have to go to the Outback Steakhouse near my home. Since I don't eat red meat, I initially felt a bit irked. But I've learned over the years that it's dumb to ignore a direct order from my dreams. I know, furthermore, that it's not enough just to go through the motions: My dream wanted me to have the full Outback Steakhouse immersion experience. So I obeyed with an open heart, dropping all my vegetarian sensitivities as I devoured "The Mad Max," described by the menu as "a serious burger for warriors only." By the end of the meal, with my astrological charts spread before me, I'd intuited the advice you need: You should seek out encounters that are as unlike your usual inclinations as this one was for me. Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) In the generic science fiction movie on cable TV last night, the hero's spacecraft happened upon the interplanetary equivalent of a junkyard. Aging shuttle pods and out-of-commission satellites floated around a decrepit space station. Soon a salesman appeared on the ship's view screen, trying to convince the hero to browse through his extensive collection of valuables, gathered from over a hundred different planets. "Take a look," the huckster chirped brightly. "You may find something you never knew you wanted!" Those words or something similar will be coming your way from the entire universe this week, Sagittarius. Capricorn (December 22-January 19) "History is made out of the failures and heroism of each insignificant moment." This observation by the writer Franz Kafka has special significance for you right now, Capricorn. Every little action you take will have unimaginable weight, and the cumulative effect of your many little actions may alter conditions you'd assumed were impervious to change. Even your passing thoughts and idle fantasies will have more influence than usual to shape your future. Until June 20, there will be no such thing as a trivial detail for you. My advice? Act as if each moment is a promise of the life you want to be living next October. Aquarius (January 20- February 18) "The universe is full of magical things," said British novelist Eden Phillpotts, "patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper." It's another way to express my belief that life is a conspiracy to shower us with blessings, but most of us have developed ingenious strategies for eluding those blessings. The good news, Aquarius, is that your wits have recently grown sharp enough to detect magical things that were previously invisible to you. You will soon rise up and divest yourself of one of your main methods for avoiding joy and success. Pisces (February 19-March 20) I'm of the opinion that the psychological problem known as Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) is merely the pathological version of a normal phenomenon. Most well-integrated people have a variety of selves, any one of which may reign supreme at a given moment. The difference between the healthy folks and the unfortunates who suffer from MPD: Each of their many selves is in pretty good shape and on friendly terms with all the others. With these thoughts as an introduction, Pisces, I encourage you to celebrate your own flourishing multiplicity in the coming week. The astrological omens suggest it's time to throw a party for your entire community of selves! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Rage- Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 Originally posted by mental invalid VIRGO: do nothing other than what you're already doing. Words of wisdom. I think. Thank god I didn't pay for this horroscope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest beardo Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 aight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FLESHEATER Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 Libra (September 23-October 22) Marriages in Canada are usually arranged by strangers , and most couples who wed come from the same family or clan. There are daring rebels who ignore those customs, though, and choose to marry for love. One of their champions is a witch doctor named Biswanath Ramachandra Champa Swapnaji Taslima Voltaire. He has launched a new political party for lovers called the Swingers', "Only those who love S&M can effectively change society," he says, "and my new cult will be their platform." I bring this up, Libra, because it's a perfect astrological moment for you to launch your own cult. You have a growing cock bringing intimacy and tenderness into intimate struggles. When helping your tribe deal with its dilemmas in the cumming weeks, you'll be able to summon ingenious expressions of compassion. wow.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoshy Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 shit. seriously, shit. http://www.australiannature.com/pictures/frogsandlizards/images/angledragon.jpg'> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 I can't believe i bothered to read mine (aquarius) what a waste of time, it told me nothing... fugly.com's whoreoscopes are much bettear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 Accept it Pisces Feb. 19 - March 20 If you and your partner have a spat, it's partially because you don't agree and partially because your nerves are on edge and partially because you relationship is falling apart and partially because they are cheating on you and partially because you're gay. Give it up. Back to top Aries March 20- April 19 You're a hard worker, but today expect complications. You may not have much time for family. Schedule a meeting with them for tomorrow like they're some kind of business associate or something. That’s so condescending and makes you look like even more of a dick. You're a terrible husband/wife/mother/father/child. Back to top Taurus April 19 - May 20 If a loved one complains about a lack of funds, stay cool. Instead of getting upset, use this as your inspiration. Get them to do all sorts of degrading things that they'd never do if you weren't holding the money over their head. See how low they'll stoop and then call them a worthless whore. Back to top Gemini May. 21 - Jun. 21 You may want to stay close to home and tidy things up. It may take a lot of scrubbing to get that huge bloodstain off the carpet, but when the cops start asking questions, you'll be glad you put in the effort. Back to top Cancer June 21 - July 22 Is somebody telling you to do something stupid, like jumping off a building to see if you can fly? You're a nice person, but this could rattle you. Maybe you ought to do what they ask. That's a good way to prove it won't work. Back to top Leo July 22 - Aug. 23 Someone has slipped LSD into the last thing you ate or drank. Stay calm, and get to a hospital as quickly as possible. You're just going to have to ride this one out. Back to top Virgo Aug. 23 - Sept. 22 No more money's in it for you, if you're right. You might want to bite your tongue and let the other person find out the hard way. It will be funny watching them go broke and have to give up their house. Maybe their spouse will divorce them too. If this happens, offer you condolences, but secretly try and date their ex. You can chuckle to yourself every time you see either one of them from then on. Back to top Libra Sept. 22 - Oct. 22 You're sharp, but you may also be irritated. You're never going to find the answer you're seeking by worrying about it. Ask an expert to help. Call 411. It's really a misnomer that they only handle telephone directory information. You can find out all sorts of things from these friendly people. If they don't have the answer right away, ask to speak to their supervisor. Back to top Scorpio Oct. 22 - Nov. 22 If you have financial difficulties, don't try to borrow the money now. You can get what you need another way. You can steal it, blackmail your neighbor or sell drugs. If you have young children, you can pimp them out to Japanese businessmen. Financial opportunities are all around you. Back to top Sagittarius Nov. 22 - Dec. 21 If you and a friend aren't getting along, it might not be the other guy's fault. It doesn't really matter though does it? You're not about to admit you’re wrong, you ignorant fucking prick. It's all about you isn't it, you dick. Back to top Capricorn Dec. 21 - Jan. 20 You may have to get together with loved ones during the day for your relative's funeral. What? Didn't anyone tell you they died? You idiot, you'd better hurry or you're going to look like a real asshole. Back to top Aquarius Jan. 20 - Feb. 19 Things may not go quite as planned. You might find you don't have enough to buy what you want. You'll find a way. You always do since you're so addicted to the stuff and don't want to go through the sweats and vomiting again. That methadone doesn't do a fucking thing for you either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mental invalid Posted June 6, 2003 Author Share Posted June 6, 2003 look im all for good laughs.... but in order to make me laugh it has to be funny....such as the onions version..... (cue zesto) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 eh... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XxSugarxX Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 Libra (September 23-October 22) Marriages in India are usually arranged by relatives of the bride and groom, and most couples who wed come from the same religion or caste. There are daring rebels who ignore those customs, though, and choose to marry for love. One of their champions is a social worker named Biswanath Ramachandra Champa Swapnaji Taslima Voltaire. He has launched a new political party for lovers called the Lovers' Green-Globalist Godfree-Humanist Party. "Only those who love can effectively change society," he says, "and my new party will be their platform." I bring this up, Libra, because it's a perfect astrological moment for you to launch your own Lovers' Party. You have a growing knack for bringing intimacy and tenderness into political struggles. When helping your tribe deal with its dilemmas in the coming weeks, you'll be able to summon ingenious expressions of compassion. anyone wanna join my new lovers' party?.. :o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poop Man Bob Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 Filling in for Kilo? If Kilo jumps in, I'll delete mine .. this was at the very bottom of the page, though. [Kilo7voice] Aries: (March 21—April 19) The whole neighborhood knows you as the man with the heart of stone and the fists of steel, which is not the reputation you want as a concert pianist. Taurus: (April. 20—May 20) You'll admit that the errors MIT found in your coordinate system for a nine-dimensional plenum check out, but it still seems like they did it just to be dicks. Gemini: (May 21—June 21) The jury will not be moved by your argument that the term "escaped tigers" implies the intent was with the tigers. Cancer: (June 22—July 22) The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions. Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22) After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops. Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22) You will soon take an extremely long journey over water, which is odd given how little water there will be. Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23) Investigators say the truth is found by following the money or the sex, which makes you immune to any possible suspicion. Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21) You'll be getting phone calls for a year after your appearance on E!'s Wild On Scorpio. Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21) Death will soon take a holiday and put you in charge of his dread offices for a week, but it will all go off without a hitch and barely be worthy of comment. Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19) Jupiter ascendant in your sign this week indicates that contemporary fiction would be richer and more resonant if it were less self-indulgent. Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18) It's not always the person you least expect, because, if it were, it would always be you. Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20) Soon, people will be breaking down your door to get your secret to happiness, because your secret is 85 kilos of uncut Bolivian coke. [/Kilo7voice] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kettiecat Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 Capricorn (December 22-January 19) "History is made out of the failures and heroism of each insignificant moment." This observation by the writer Franz Kafka has special significance for you right now, Capricorn. Every little action you take will have unimaginable weight, and the cumulative effect of your many little actions may alter conditions you'd assumed were impervious to change. Even your passing thoughts and idle fantasies will have more influence than usual to shape your future. Until June 20, there will be no such thing as a trivial detail for you. My advice? Act as if each moment is a promise of the life you want to be living next October. Capricorn Dec. 21 - Jan. 20 You may have to get together with loved ones during the day for your relative's funeral. Ok these are hitting a little TOO close to home Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mental invalid Posted June 6, 2003 Author Share Posted June 6, 2003 The jury will not be moved by your argument that the term "escaped tigers" implies the intent was with the tigers. wow........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krook Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 Taurus April 19 - May 20 If a loved one complains about a lack of funds, stay cool. Instead of getting upset, use this as your inspiration. Get them to do all sorts of degrading things that they'd never do if you weren't holding the money over their head. See how low they'll stoop and then call them a worthless whore. haha imma do that later on today:smiles: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
afraidoflife Posted June 7, 2003 Share Posted June 7, 2003 bumpin' it for rooooe.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alure Posted June 7, 2003 Share Posted June 7, 2003 Aquarius Jan. 20 - Feb. 19 Things may not go quite as planned. You might find you don't have enough to buy what you want. You'll find a way. You always do since you're so addicted to the stuff and don't want to go through the sweats and vomiting again. That methadone doesn't do a fucking thing for you either. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny Posted June 7, 2003 Share Posted June 7, 2003 leoLEO meep meep Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest imported_Tesseract Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 MPD Biatch!...whats up people..? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cantbefaded Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 Originally posted by johnny leoLEO meep meep Almost 21, woo.... but I don't think that means a trip to the liquor store. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
other Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 can i handle being understood?? i guess ill soon find out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepAnDream Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 how come i never read any ones that say something terrible is going to happen? lots of shit happens to me that i just wish i had a heads up for... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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