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Weapon X

Vice Guide to Eating Pussy

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THE VICE GUIDE TO EATING PUSSY

 

Men SUCK at eating pussy.....not because they don't like it but because

it's really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the

key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later

on), so it's time we broke it down, like this..

 

The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best

sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can't read the emotional road

signs, you're going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial

wasteland until, eventually you drop from exhaustion, hot tears running

down your face.

Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, "although i am about to

rock your insides with 3000 ibs. of explosives, heres a little intimate

treat session to show you how i really feel." Instead of screaming "OH MY

GAWD!!" like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking

should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous

"ooooohhmygaawdooohmygodohmygod", kind of being massaged with exotic

fruits by a muscular Arab oil shiek. A good mange (that's french for eats

you brutes) is like a thousand years of saturdays or a "calgon, take me

away" as....break it down.

 

1-BE DOWN

don't go down unless....yur down! Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never

be done as a favor. Doing it when you don't want to will only bring on the

dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get

forgiven.

 

2-DON'T SAY HI TO DRY

A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back

to the kissing and hugging for a while. Just make sure you actually dip

your finger the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia

and a little fingerial coaxing is all that's needed to get the honey

dripping.

Once you're sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light teasing strokes

with your finger. There's nothing worse than rushinginto this, so make

sure she's really begging for it before you get under the covers.

EXTRA TIP: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can

share like a 1950's milkshake with 2 straws.

IMPORTANT: Don't play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all

the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penatration and kill

the tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a womyn's pleasure is about

yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.

 

3-SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY

Once she's lathered up, it's time to go down. Get your fingers out of

there and don't touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of

grinding and get some last minute necking in like you're going away on

holiday!

Though it's very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your

head (huh?) like the little mole-man (or woman) that you are, this is a

very bad idea. It get's super hot down there and whipping the duvet cover

off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty

much going to kill the mood. Start kissing her breasts and stomach and

slowly, working your way down. Don't get carried away with tits....that's

something you should of taken care of before the pants even came off.

Right now, it's all about the stomach and the inner thighs. A little bit

of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and

move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right

up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head for the other

knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you

alot of pussy eating time in the long run. (unless of course you LOOOOOVE

to eat pussy.)

When you're just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that

weird crevice next to the lips. Don't spend too long or she might start to

think you think that's the actual cunt.

By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you're doing it

right, she'll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs.

Stretch this phase out until she looks like she's been holding her breath

for three days.

EXTRA TRICK: hover over the bush for about 5 seconds before the first

lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you're having second

thoughts because it smells bad. Of course we all know the mutha-fuckah

smells sweeter thana bowl of steamin crawdaddies!

IMPORTANT: NEVER bite the cunt in anyway whatsoever. If it needs more

explaining than that, then you should just stick to jerking off.

 

4-PARTING THE RED SEAS

Isolate your playing feild. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the

cavity creeps are to dental hygiene. You're never going to be able to

identify all of the parts is she looks like that PIL album 'that what is

not.' One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is

all set up for you like a great big buffet.

 

5-THE GRAND ENTRANCE

Do your first lick super slow. It's good to groan and moan too. It shows

you're digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right

up to her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to

the fur. Do about a dozen of these "st bernard licks" before moving on

(take it really slow like four second per lick). this is a good time to

figure out what kind of clit she has. If it's real sensitive she'll

probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you're probably in

for an easy ride. If theres no reaction when you graze over her clit, she

probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you're in for a

thirty minute session of tongue-tendinitis.

 

6-ROCK THE BOAT

eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If

you're getting tired of being a ballerina boy, take it out on the

clit! Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her

uncomfortable and show the lil' bastard who's boss.

After all, Mr. Elusive is precisley what makes muff diving so difficult.

He's surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure

can pop him over the side. All of a sudden you're giving the pee hole the

seeing to of it's life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of

earlobes. When you push down on the area he's the only one who can't be

squished. Once one of your tongue trooper find him, call for

reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all

your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit

of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a

couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude

later.

EXTRA IMPORTANT TIP: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your

entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.

 

7-IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE

After the slow licks it's time to get this party started. There are

essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and

ones that dont. The latter suck about as much as a one inch penis and you

should sump her right away.

EXTRA TIP: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that

doesn't really tell you much. all of them want to be treated slow and soft

in the beginning but the only way to tel if you can go fast at the end is

by reading her reactions. This is imppossible to teach but just do the

best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and "OH

my GOD" means bring it on.

 

8a-CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER

These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is

the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him

from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now

he's on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber

in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue

bonk. He's not going to tell you shit because he's a clit and he has no

idea what you're talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few

teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat him senseless like a boxer whaking

a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it's too much, ease up on the

interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great

way to bring her to orgasm, but it's a bit much sometimes, so mix things

up with soem circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.

As you're closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the

subject a relentless head smacking. Up_and_downies are usually the most

effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few

side_to_sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it.

Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You're almost home and this is not the

time to start changing tactics.

EXTRA TIP: Tp keep the rythym going, try repeating a chant in your head

that goes with the movement of your tongue like a mic mac indian

(hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistant action may throw

her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes,

which is bad for morale.

IMPORTANT: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn't

over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she's

multi-orgasmic you'll have to keep going until you've done the whole

routine another four or five times. If you're not sure what to do, just

keep keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off.

 

8b-CLITS THAT DON"T

Some clits don't want to be singled out and battered around. These are the

boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. just do the

occasional St. Bernard lick until she comes, pure and simple. If your

getting bored, try going in a different direction for a while. A good way

to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with

the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at a half and hour here pal,

and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn't

come, you're going to be in a foul mood, so if it's too much work, move

on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people

have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when

period week comes around.

 

9-THE CONCLUSION

Once you're done (totally finished) she's going to want you out of there

pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out

your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy, carpet. Make sure

you don't move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just

let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come

up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the

condom on and take her from the quarters of prince muhammad muhammad

saddat to the cockpit of an f-15.

 

Christi Bradnox

 

-----------------------------------

E X T R A B O N U S T R A C K S

-----------------------------------

1-getting fired.....If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start

pulling you up, you've just been sacked. She'll tell you she never comes

from that anyway, but the truth is you suck at sucking. Just give her a

jolly good rogering and look at the whole thing as a learning experience.

Later you can ask what the problem was so you can get it right next time.

If you're really lame, you can ask her for a regular play by play from the

broadcast booth. A bit of the old

"slow-down-you're-going-to-fast-yeah-there-like-that-oh-that's-perfect"

can turn even the john wayne bobbit of pussy eaters into a Doug Hart.

 

2-the power lunch

Nothing keeps you in the game and makes her cum harder than a mid-fuck

munch. Pulling out in the middle of the race may leave her a bit confused,

but it's a great way for all you premature ejaculators to simmer down a

bit and it reminds her neglected clitors that he's a somebody! If after a

few seconds, she still isn't into you can save face by pretending you just

couldn't give it up and get back to the boff.

EXTRA TIP: Unless you like the taste of your own latex covered dink, keep

your mid-fuck snacking to the upper clit region and stay away from the

hole.

 

3-the bottom

Fingers: if you are dealing with a particularly saucey vixen she may want

something in her bum. A thumb gives you the best leeway, but keep in mind

you are doing a raunchy thing and this should be saved until the end.

Incidentally, if you're trying to introduce a bum finger as a good thing,

try eeeking it in during orgasm. If it doesn't wreck everything you could

ahve a pavlovian response on you hands for the rest of the relationship.

HOLE:

We're not going to get into licking the actual hoop in this article

because if you're into that, you're way too advanced for this seminar and

should have graduated with a PHD in pussy years ago.

CHEEKS:

Bum cheek rubbing is always good. There are over five hundred thousand

nerve endings on those cheeks, so giving them a good squeeze or a slap

while you lick the pussy will get you instant results.

 

4-THE DOUBLE WHAMMY

Though some idiots say it takes away from when you actually put in the

dink, simultaneous fingering is a great way to totally blow her mind.

Think of it as the crack cocaine of cunilingus.

 

5-BEING KNACKERED

Tongue exhaustion is the number one cause of abandoned manging but there

are many ways to avoid it. Like we said, useing your tongue as an

inanimate object is a great way to give it a rest. Stick it out as far as

you can go and tense it. Then bite into it with your teeth and move it

around the cunt using your neck muscles. Another solution is simply use

your fingers on the clit while you give your mouth a rest.

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Yo! I just read that! I bet I know where you found it.

 

 

*

because if you're into that, you're way too advanced for this seminar and

should have graduated with a PHD in pussy years ago.

 

Ding!Ding!Ding!*

 

one of lifes underrated passtimes

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Originally posted by effyoo

because if you're into that, you're way too advanced for this seminar and

should have graduated with a PHD in pussy years ago.

 

Ding!Ding!Ding!*

 

one of lifes underrated passtimes

 

yes, that was my favourite part of the article for probably the same reasons.

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Originally posted by effyoo

one of lifes underrated passtimes

 

haha.

I meant the whole thing in general, not just the part that that snippet as referring to.

 

Ok, kids read up and go show your ladyfriends what you learned.

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good satirical, humurous article. i wont eat pussy unless i know its clean and where its been.

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Originally posted by Daze One Million

not to toot my own horn but all this to me anyway is a no brainer...anyway i love girls

 

 

i couldn't agree with you more!

 

"ya gotta toast your bread before you put the butter on it!"

 

know what i mean??

 

i made that quote up...haha

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HAHAHAHA jesus! this was one of the funniest things i've ever read. Clever metaphors and a damn good topic. This could be a college paper or some shit!

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^^

:lol:

 

in all seriousness, i really enjoyed that article. eating pussy for most people takes practice. or at the least learning what your lover wants. a good teacher is always helpful as well.

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