Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
Sign in to follow this  


Recommended Posts

NEAR TIKRIT, IRAQ (WT) - Coalition forces faced a major impasse Wednesday afternoon when the vanguard of the 1st Marine Expeditionary Force was soundly defeated by "lame Iraqi campers" near the city of Tikrit.




According to the Pentagon's account of the skirmish, a forward group of about a hundred U.S. soldiers equipped with MP5 sub-machineguns and durable Kevlar armor advanced on an Iraqi military facility roughly ten miles south of Tikrit in northern Iraq. It was there that the highly-trained marines were handily gunned down by Iraqi snipers "camping" - - that is, waiting perched in concealed locations. After a brief firefight, two dozen U.S. Marines laid dead with the HP levels of nearly fifty more having dipped below 30.


The Iraqis sustained no verified deaths, although one was injured by haphazard return fire.


"WTF???" read a cryptic statement issued to the press by Central Command minutes after the brutal firefight. "OMFG that is so gay."


"Shit u suck, [H]ussein, u total newb faggot," continued the statement. "NOT FAIR!!!"


At Thursday's scheduled press conference, Pentagon officials claimed the Iraqi soldiers employed "#@#!ing lame" strategies contrary to the rules of war.


"These snipers intentionally went into these 'camping' formations, knowing full well that it would enable them to easily fire upon our forces without being noticed," said Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz. "This strat[egy] is #@#!ing retarded since its totally unfair and takes no skill at all."


Wolfowitz went on to say that the Pentagon suspects the Iraqis were also using illegal weaponry. During the battle, Iraqi snipers were observed using AW/M sniper rifles, which have been banned by over 160 United Nations members and are "seriously gay," said Wolfowitz. According to Defense Department specifications, AW/M rifles can "kill a guy in like two seconds."


Wolfowitz also expressed concern over what effect the defeat could have on the United States' military rating. "If [the U.S.'s] rating goes down because of this, I swear to God, I'll kill him," he said.


Later that hour, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld also touched on the matter while addressing the whereabouts of deposed Iraqi President Saddam Hussein.


"It is possible," Rumsfeld said, "that Hussein is still alive in a bunker somewhere, spending all day winning battles by using retarded tactics since he has no #@#!ing skill. Now, what's the fun in that?"


Added Rumsfeld: "What a total gaywad loser."


Allegations against the Iraqis flew during Friday's White House press conference, when Press Secretary Ari Fleischer accused the Iraqis of having employed more patently illicit weaponry, including insidious "location hack" devices and even trainers.


"In May of 1994, the Russian government sold over 5,000 'wall hack' goggles to the Iraqi government," said Fleischer. "Furthermore, we have evidence that Hussein's administration established at least three 'trainer' camps, where Republican Guard soldiers received permanent 100 HP and +99 ATK on all weapons."


Fleischer also noted the Bush Administration's intent to punish any and all Iraqi soldiers caught "camping" in a war crimes court. If convicted, the an Iraqi might face a "do-over," in which he would be forced to confront another U.S. soldier in a combat setting, but this time one-on-one.


While the White House has remained optimistic, critical anti-war legislators have cited the defeat as evidence that "it's time to turn off the war."


"This is so #@#!ing dumb. I #@#!ing hate war," said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), one of few girls serving in Congress. "I'm never voting for war again."


Pelosi also noted that she really wants the nation to get into The Sims again.


Shunning detractors, the Pentagon says it will continue efforts to root out entrenched Saddam loyalists despite the potential risks involved.


Said Wolfowitz: "Now that we understand that this tactic is being employed, we can begin to take evasive measures such as resigning and selecting another compound to raid if we encounter 'campers' again in the future."

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest ctrl+alt+del

5700P1[) N008 817H35!

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Pilau Hands


Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Register for a 12ozProphet forum account or sign in to comment

You need to be a forum member in order to comment. Forum accounts are separate from shop accounts.

Create an account

Register to become a 12ozProphet forum member.

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this