penmanship Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 We use probes to check the depths of snow when we near the end of making, so as to not keep making when we have enough snow to last through the winter. The way I do it, which I just did figuring it was the easiest, is to screw the probe together, put a sheet of paper on a clipboard with a pen and hop on a sled, i go to all the spots i need to record the depths at and without even getting off the sled push the probe through and then write down how many segments the probe goes in, knowing each segment is 80 cm and then just multiply it in my head to get the depths. simple enough and, being in canada, it's always measured in cm. So jon's done it every year on his own and always takes at least 4-5 hours to do it while I take 30-40 minutes. I went down the run he was on to ask what's taking him so long and he's got a meter wide, meter deep hole dug in the middle of the run. he didn't screw the probe together and the first segment was buried at ground level under 2.5 meters of snow. after having done the exact same thing every year before this he did it again. and then did it later in the same night again. after he did the entire area he was assigned, he came back and said he was done. I asked him what the average was, and he says 6 foot. I ask if he did it in metric or imperial, as he's done it in imperial every time, and he says i did it in metric this time. I ask how he has 6 foot average and not 2 meters then and he says, because i don't know how many inches it actually was so i just said around feet. I ask him what the difference between metric and imperial is and he tells me with the straightest most confident look, metric is inches and imperial is feet. not that it's hard to do a conversion after the fact, but it added another 15 minutes onto his time to finish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penmanship Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 Edit double post. there's a shit load more dumb ass stories to tell about him, but hopefully other guys have retards for coworkers that they can share stories about Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penmanship Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 so he's been told he can only work for the beer garden deck as the head cook. a little back ground on his cooking abilities. he made a po roast in a slow cooker and then asked what to do with the juices. I told him to make a gravy out of them and he said ooh. ok. I see him eating his roast in a dowl twenty minutes later and go see why the fuck it's in a w bowl. he just poured the juices into the bowl and then put his meat and veggies and stuff into the bowl, essentially making it a disgusting soup and not realizing that it doesn't just turn into a gravy magically. he doesn't understand how to defrost meet, such as put in a pot of water in a ziploc, or defrosting in a microwave, and he's cooked in the microwave countless pieces of frozen chicken unintentionally, and then just eats them all soggy and disgusting and pale. Aaron sent me this photos the other day of his newest method of how to defrost his meat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CILONE/SK Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 I knew a guy like that in the Army. You should do what his co-workers did to him. Take him out and make him pay for everything. He went along with it because they got him a hooker. The first thing that guy did after he got laid was call his mom and tell her about it. Turns out that he was a few points above being legally retarded. I am willing to say your guy is related to my guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penmanship Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 his girlfriend is the only one who can access his money, she took his debit card and credit cards. he has to ask her for money for anything. she gives him an allowance. he doesn't even know how much money he makes. he sends a screenshot to his girl and doesn't know where his payment is. he forgets his password to facebook every time he wants to sign in on the work computers and has to call claudia to ask what it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penmanship Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 he loves to talk about how strong and tough he is, despite having to call someone for help to open frozen hydrants/dig out/pull out his sled every time. he takes different stuff all the time like those supplements. he used to take mass builder 4000 which we dubbed hard cunt 4000. he said it was too weak so he moved on to this stuff called mutant mass. after he tells us that he's taken lots of this shit to the point of coughing up blood, but it's ok because he's getting super buff on it. he's pretty damn average. anyways. I did this to his latest bag of mutant mass Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penmanship Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 he asked aaron what a healthy thing for him to eat could be and aaron said rice would be good to stay healthy and get protein or whatever the fuck the reasoning was. so jon went out and bought this (the big one, the small ones aarons for scale) not knowing how to cook it or what to eat it with, he just makes it like it's instant rice, and eats it kinda crunchy. sits in a pot of boiling water for five minutes and he says it's cooked enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penmanship Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 he doesn't know how to light a barbaeque and he's been put on as the head cook for the barbeque for the general public. someones definetly getting poisoned. this is how he stores all his food. paper towel and tape on whatever it is. fruit, meat, leftovers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penmanship Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 that's enough for now. hope it translated to strangers. it's fucking hilariously embarrassing everything this dude does. more later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
publicenemyno.3 Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 props man. i laughed hard as fuck at these. this guy is fucked. make sure you start stealing his toilet paper as he'll likely have violent shits from that laxative you put in his muscle stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClueTwo Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 Awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ipod90 Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 People like this always have me bewildered. You have to put it down to enablers allowing this kind of shit to go down in their family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penmanship Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 Oh man. so he tells us his moms a model from sweden for like three years so we rip on him (swedish model = hot always) so one day we're riding and she ends up showing up on hill and is like JOHNNY!!! how are you??? we're all like who the fuck is this old lady talking to Jon. Turns out it's his mom, and she looks 100% not swedish. so we ask him about it and he's like yeah sweden....or...errr..SASKATCHEWAN? he doesn't know the difference between sweden, in europe... and saskatchewan, a province in Canada. for three fucking years! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hahaha760 Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 hahahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crime stoppers Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 hahah fuck i love this thread. please post more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BullshitTantrum Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 if i made a pot roast i'd keep all the juice and not make it into a gravy and pour it on everything in the meal. its where all the flavor is! that guy sounds like a big bag of retard fun. get him to fix a clock radio with a mallet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Will Ferreal Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 have u ever dumped a girl for the sole reason that u were scared u were gonna marry her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realism Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 u u u Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
injury Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 Ain't no such thing as halfway boyfriends i guess. You sound easily frightened by the world around you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Will Ferreal Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 naw just dont wana get tied down. i do but i dont man Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicineCabinet Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 any word on johnny..? i too, knew one comically stupid john... he was once in a panic about something & we asked him to explain better. he yells at us, "what do you mean, what do i mean?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penmanship Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 So johnny G bought himself a dirtbike from a guy on hill that doesn't have a second gear. the first time he brought it to the cabin he asked aaron if the gas tank was where he put the oil. the guy can't comprehend simple things like standard cars, so how he expected to be able to ride a dirtbike, using both hands and feet for four different tasks simultaneously is beyond me but he has been managing to ride it, really terribly albeit, but he's been able to make it up and down the hill. he apparently doesn't understand the reasoning behind gear changes though, and therefore rides in first most the time. His bike has recently blown up.... haha I can only imagine why. He has been fired from the rusty rail deck, and is now in the main cafeteria style kitchen. so he's now cooking for even more people. I don't understand why they keep moving him around. he fails at every job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penmanship Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 So we made fun of him all the time for the mutant mass/hard cunt 4000. We had been making really terrible ms paint from screenshots of his interview for breakfast television, which he thought made him famous. there's a lot of really shitty ones but you guys may get a laugh at this one. I made it the day I was leaving for the season and left it as the desktop image on the pumphouse computer so all the snowmakers could see it after I had left. he was in tears. (My boss sent me a message saying it was hilarious but he had to tell me not to do it ever again because Jon was so upset) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penmanship Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 I found out the reason he was never fired over the five years of being completely fucked. the mountain manager was afraid that if he fired him he'd kill himself. No bullshit was scared that the guy was so in love with the mountain that he'd kill himself. I am pretty sure he couldn't figure out a way to kill himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penmanship Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 This will be a bit long to try and give some context to the funny shit that ensues. When I came back to the mountain I was having a few drinks with Aaron and jon came into the cabin. I was told he wasn't getting renewed so I was already in a shitty mood to be seeing him in the hilton (which is the glorious cabin we fixed for four years) So he comes up, knowing full well my disdain for him, and him having told everyone how big of an asshole I am because I won't be his friend so we have zero reason to talk ever and he comes and tries to shake my hand and congratulate me on the engagement. I tell him look man, I don't care. We don't like eachother, and we are both fine with that, so for this entire season let's pretend the other isn't there and it'll go a lot smoother than previous. I'll talk to you at work about work things and that's it. From here on out act like I'm invisible. Thinking that'd be the easiest way to have a bullshit free home with this retard he started to cry. I couldn't not laugh that something so straight forward, although maybe harsh, would make a grown man cry. The dudes two years older than me and acts like a 12 year old girl. So once he cries he goes to the mountain manager and tells on me that I won't be his friend. thats how the HR chick put it when I, and all the other cabin residents had to go and deal with the bullshit. The owner of the mountain gave word that I was fired for sure, and Aaron was 50/50 whether he'd be fired for not intervening when I "Abused" jon. So we have a meeting and explain all the stories I've told so far and many others I will tell in the future. the HR chick is dumbfounded. She doesn't know what to say, and keeps asking me to repeat parts of stories that are so stupid it's hard to believe. so he gets put on waivers essentially and told if he fucks up he's gone. FUCKING GREAT! but it's not how it goes down. I send all the pictures of fucked up shit he's done in the cabin after they tell me to just take a photo and send it to the manager. after the first week there's so much fucked shit that the manager tells me to deal with after being almost fired for not even instigating anything. so this season it's on for fucking with jon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penmanship Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 After he gets told to not fuck up or he's fired, he doesn't show up for a week and isn't on hill because he's afraid I'm gong to beat him up or some shit. So for the entire season the guy spends maybe 1 night every two weeks at the cabin and the rest at his girls or moms, or so we assumed. At the end of the season, after we assumed he'd been staying with his girl or his moms, we find out neither of them have had him stay at their place in four months. turns out the guy's been sleeping in his car at the base, in negative degree weather. another snowmaker was supposed to move into the cabin and take over jons room. it's a one year turn over kind of room. but jon had cried about staying and so he got to, so that he wouldn't kill himself I guess. so the room he cried about staying at stays essentially void of life (aside from the mold and mice and pine martens) which are a different story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penmanship Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 I'll upload photos and shit of us fucking with his stuff, his lack of hygiene and some more of his attempts at doing work on the cabin later. but this has gotten my memory going with a ridiculous amount of things he did this winter so I'm just going to put some notes for me to remember and I'll write more if anyones interested later. (I had to take down the photos that I posted of the exlax and shit because at the time I was in danger of losing my job so I figure I'd cover my bases.) sweden. his friend ted. the staff party going hulk. try to get me fired? the guns. his girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicineCabinet Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 now picturing jon as bill dauterive sort of feel bad for him now.. dudes all sad, sleeping in his car & shit. of course you didnt have to shake his hand, but the guys reaching out & genuinely congratulating/wishing you luck on your engagement.. couldve just said thanks, at least damn, youre cold Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicineCabinet Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 then again, all the shit youve apparently dealt with due to him being him you still know what i mean, though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penmanship Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 I for sure can see that from not having dealt with the guy it'd seem cruel. Even after reading some of these stories it'd seem cruel. But I can assure you I was as polite as I could be with the guy without out right calling him retarded because he's too dumb to understand subtly. We've tried just telling him stuff and he'll make the same mistake the following day or even directly after telling him it so I didn't want to constantly be reminding him that i don't want to talk to him. And his congratulations were incredibly insincere considering he was trying to make fun of me for landing a woman worth holding on to (he thinks all people only care about how many chicks you've fucked) and had been bitching about me coming back and wanted it just him and Aaron in the cabin still because they're awesome friends. Aaron has the same opinion of him as me, but has tried helping the kid (everyone calls him a kid despite him being 28) so many times over the last few years that it's mind boggling and showed a massive amount of patience. that however was used up when jon got his bike. after blowing up his first engine, jon ordered one from america to be delivered to the post depot just on the other side of the border. When he went to get it he coudn't figure out how to get back across the border with it. He called the mountain and had a massive search sent out for Aaron (He and I were doing something without radios on one of the lines) and when they finally found us Aaron was told there was an emergency. so we hike back up the hill, in an emergency type pace to get to the office to find out it's jon asking how much his engine costs. with the receipt taped to the box. so that's strike one. I think I told the story of the sprockets, which was strike two. strike three was Aaron putting in his new engine, wiring it up, and fixing the miscellaneous shit Jon had broken. After doing all this his grip on the left handlebar slipped off and he got one of the mechanics to glue it back on in the shop. the next day Jon brings in a case of beer for each of them for doing so. Aaron's australian so clearly he's distraught over the beer and he stops giving jon any help in life, and thats when he started sleeping in his car. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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