Grant_Wood Posted March 9, 2003 Share Posted March 9, 2003 1. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed. 2. Nice shoes, wanna fuck? 3. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand. 4. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 5. [Look at her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size. 6. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me? 7. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them? 8. I love every bone in your body - especially mine. 9. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine. 10. [Grab her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken? 11. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink? 12. Is it hot in here or is it just you? 13. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear. 14. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree. 15. That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it? 16. Do you want to see something swell? 17. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg. 18. I'd look good on you. 19. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some? 20. Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "'Cause they're mine sweetheart." 21. There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you. 22. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see! 23. Hi, I make more money than you can spend. 24. HI! Can I buy you a car? 25. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?. 26. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? 27. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum." 28. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize? 29. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose? 30. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? [slap] HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza? 31. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet? 32. I am a magical being, take off your bra. 33. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream. 34. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. 35. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment? 36. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen? 37. That's a nice shirt, it would go great with my floor. 38. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW! 39. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out. 40. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist. 41. NOW, BITCH! 42. Say, did we go to different schools together? 43. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on? 44. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes. 45. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns. 46. I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said: "Smile if you want to sleep with me." And watch them try to hold back their laughter. 47. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? 48. What do you like for breakfast? 49. Would you like to have morning coffee with me? 50. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her. 51. Do you sleep on your stomach? [any answer] Can I? 52. If I followed you home, would you keep me? 53. Wanna fuck like bunnies? 54. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!? 55. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again? 56. Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes. 57. Your place or mine? 58. Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven's a long way from here. 59. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh. 60. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler? 61. Sex is a killer...want to die happy? 62. Were your parents Greek Gods, 'cause it takes two gods to make a godess. 63. If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me spend some time up between the holidays? 64. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants. 65. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk. 66. What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room? 67. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes? 68. Do you have a boyfriend? [No] Want one? [Yes] Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me. 69. I'm easy. Are you? 70. Are we related? Do you want to be? 71. Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours? 72. I'm leaving this place..want to cum? 73. Come on, you can't get pregnant again. 74. Why you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across! 75. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you. 76. What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? 77. I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced nipples? 78. Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's. 79. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you? 80. Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us. 81. You smell wet. Let's Party. 82. Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair. 83. Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in? 84. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say: Hey Charlie, see anyone here you recognize? 85. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. 86. No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks? 88. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. 89. Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together? 90. What's your sign? 91. You have the ass of a great artist. 92. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. 93. Let's take a shower together -- you smell. 94. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade. 95. If I was Elvis, would you screw me? 96. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew... 97. Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts) 98. Hey..somebody farted. Let's get out of here. 99. What was that sound?" "It was the sound of my heart breaking. 100. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body? 101. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes. 102. Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly color coordinated. 103. Have you ever played leap frog naked?? 104. I'll bet you 100 bucks that you couldn't get all your clothes off in 30 seconds. 105. Since we shouldn't waste this day and age what you say we use these condoms in my pocket before they expire. 106. Would you like to see me naked?? 107. Do you like chicken? Suck this it's foul! 108. Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna do lunch! 109. I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman. 110. Sit on my face and let me get to 'nose' you better? 111. Do you spit or swallow? 112. So....How am I doin'? 113. I would give you a piece of my mind but I have much more of something else. 114. Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night. 115. I would kill or die to make love with you. 116. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. 117. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. 118. Hey baby, let's go make some babies. 119. I wanna floss with your pubic hair. 120. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 121. All those curves, and me with no brakes. 122. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. 123. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK 124. I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south. 125. I had a wet dream about you last night. Would you like to make it a reality? 126. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk. 127. Free mammograms, get your free mammograms here, get 'em while they're hot! 128. Do you come here often? 129. Where do you live? 130. Hi. I'm Big Brother. I've been watching you... 131. Where have you been all my life? 132. Would you like to join me in the Bahamas next week? 133. Think you can dance in those shoes? 134. (Walk over to her)"Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you don't talk about it." 135. Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you." 136. Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight? 137. I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little. 138. I know a great way to burn off the 300 calories in that pastry you just ate. 139. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs? 140. A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?" 141. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?" 142. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids) 143. You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute. 144. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it. 145. Hey I am a wrestler, let me take you down. 146. Those are nice jeans, do you think I could get in them? 147. What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply. 148. I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast. 149. Wow! Are those real? 150. Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks? 151. You've got to refer me to your plastic surgeon. 152. I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me? 153. Do you take it up the ass? 154. Is that a tic-tac in your shirt pocket or are you just glad to see me? 155. What would you do if I kissed you right now? 156. I'm drunk. 157. You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it. 158. Ever tried those weird prickly condoms? 159. Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us. 160. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 161. (Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand. 162. I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your ass when I'm finished. 163. Will you marry me and have my children? 164. I want to thank you for [insert any event here], grab your ankles bitch! 165. Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo. 166. Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy? 167. That shirt's very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too. 168. Can I see your tan lines? 169. I'm not trying anything, I always put my hands there. 170. You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case. 171. (leaning over to whisper) I think about you when I masturbate. 172. I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there. 173. I'll bet you $50 I could get all your clothes off in 30 seconds. 174. I'm sorry I'm an artist and it's my job to stare at beautiful women. 175. Hi. You'll do. 176. Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are...gorgeous! 177. Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I call you Sandy? Really, what time? 178. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot. 179. Have you seen (any movie)? Would you like to? 180. If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me? 181. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole? 182. That dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I. 183. (With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings. 184. Pardon me, are you in heat?! 185. You know, I never was to good at math...like if I put you and I together, I'd get 69. 186. You know the more I drink, the prettier you get! 187. You're good at math right? Is 69 a perfect square? 188. Was your father a farmer? Because you sure have grown some nice melons! 189. Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven! 190. Hey Baby! I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag! 191. Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs. 192. Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off? 193. When she asks, "What do you think of this (dress, sweater, blouse, etc.)" Say: I like nothing better. 194. At the dinner table, if you eat together, pick up the bread and ask, "Wanna roll?" 195. That's a really nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you are wearing. 196. Ask girl if she likes jewelry. Then grab your nuts and say, "Then suck this, it's a gem!" 197. (Good looking waitress pouring a drink) Say when! As soon as I finish this drink. 198. Lie down. I think I love you. 199. What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that? 200. My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grant_Wood Posted March 9, 2003 Author Share Posted March 9, 2003 and some other stupid crap thats unrelated: Random Rude Joke Ever Wondered... Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis? Mypenis ate my homework. Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth! Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis. I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash. Mypenis doesn't come when I call it. Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. I love giving Mypenis a bath. At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands. Mypenis likes it when people pet him. Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds! me(Rob) Playing with Mypenis really wears me out. Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis? Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active. I think Mypenis has a mind of its own. I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet. Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction. I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead. Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door. If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry. Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys. Help! I can't find Mypenis! Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis. Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes. Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital. Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ctrl+alt+del Posted March 9, 2003 Share Posted March 9, 2003 Originally posted by Grant_Wood 199. What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that? i have several girls in mind that i could use that on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ctrl+alt+del Posted March 9, 2003 Share Posted March 9, 2003 im sure it wouldnt. but then theyd know me and hate me. better then them not knowing me at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grant_Wood Posted March 9, 2003 Author Share Posted March 9, 2003 this is my best friend believe it or not, shes mad cool http://www.screwedandrude.com/Images/Shelby89u9/058.jpg'> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grant_Wood Posted March 9, 2003 Author Share Posted March 9, 2003 check this shit out http://www.veryfunnypics.com/gender/images/shefeeloff.jpg'> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grant_Wood Posted March 9, 2003 Author Share Posted March 9, 2003 shit, I wish the world was like this 46. I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said: "Smile if you want to sleep with me." And watch them try to hold back their laughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grant_Wood Posted March 9, 2003 Author Share Posted March 9, 2003 mr.president, try this one 174. I'm sorry I'm an artist and it's my job to stare at beautiful women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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