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Dick Quickwood

The art of bonsai kittenry

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Method

At only a few weeks of age, a kitten's bones have not yet hardened and become osseous. They are extremely soft and springy. In fact, if you take a week-old kitten and throw it to the floor, it will actually bounce! We do not recommend that you try this at home. The kitten may bounce under the furniture and be difficult to retrieve, as well as covered in unsightly household dust. However, the flexibility of the kitten's skeleton means that if the bones are gently warped at this early age, they can be molded into any desired shape. At Bonsai Kitten, we achieve this by placing the kitten into a rigid vessel soon after birth, and allowing the young cat to grow out its formative time entirely within this container. The kitten essentially grows into the shape of the vessel! Once the cat is fully developed, it is removed (or the vessel broken to remove it!), producing the lovable, furry pet you've always wanted, but it remains in the shape you've always dreamed of! There is virtually no limit to the eventual shape of your pet.

 

Practical Considerations

At Bonsai Kitten, we are happy to take care of all the little details and simply deliver to you a fully shaped kitten according to your specifications. However, for those who have applied for and received the appropriate Bonsai Kitticulture permits from the U.S. government, we are happy to provide details of the procedure to those who want to start from "scratch"! There are three main requirements that must be considered when making a Bonsai Kitten:

 

Air. This ought to go without saying, but you'd be surprised how many amateurs forget this detail and wind up with a cold, hard kitty in the morning! If the containment vessel is sealed, you must drill airholes prior to kitten insertion. A diamond drill is recommended for glass vessels.

Food & Water. Especially if the kitten's head is being shaped (one of the most versatile aspects of the Bonsai Kitten), it will not be able to eat or drink normally. The most common solution is another hole in the container with a feeding tube to the kitten's mouth, where a liquid food slurry can provide both nutrient and hydration requirements.

Waste Removal. Left to its own devices, the kitten would quickly fill its vessel with its own urine and feces, leading to certain sickness and death, not to mention the inevitably unpleasant appearance and odor. The best solution is to seal the kitten's anus with Super Glue prior to insertion, and then insert a waste tube through a third hole in the vessel. As the kitten's body is still developing, a natural rectal diverticulum will soon form around the tube, which can be drained in any convenient fashion. It's just like a kitty colostomy bag!

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After 1 week, using proprietary airhole/feeding tube technology. Notice the conformal shaping accelerated through the use of calcium sequestering agent to soften bone structure. After 1 month skull will attain complete conformity to flat surface resulting in the desirable "bonsai kitty" expression.

http://www.bonsaikitten.com/squishGray.jpg'>

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Due to popular demand from our prospective customers, we present this special example of hyper-modern, non-traditional bonsai. The containment vessel will be the stylish shell of a popular personal computer from a certain litigious hardware manufacturer. Please note that this use of the computer is not officially endorsed by the manufacturer, and may void the warranty!

http://www.bonsaikitten.com/cube.jpg'>

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Initial preparation of the vessel and feeding tube, and planning of the medication regimen and kitten arrangement is of critical importance to the successful outcome of the Cube Kitty. Considering the high cost of the containment vessel, you owe it to yourself to spend the extra time at the start. Your kitten, and your children, will thank you for it. Shown here are the vessel, Alessi shoehorn and scooper, integrated feed/waste tube coupling, sedative syringe, precision bone crush calipers, electric spinal former and vent drill.

http://www.bonsaikitten.com/equipment.jpg'>

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Physical insertion and restraint proceeds more smoothly with anaesthetic pre-treatment. However, general anaesthesia with barbiturates often results in significant mortality when followed by long-term intubation and catheterization. Use of preanaesthetic agents such as chlorpromazine hydrochloride (25mg/kg), diazepam and propiopromazine (5mg/kg), or fentanyl and droperidol (a combination product, given at 0.22mL/kg) may reduce the dose of general anaesthetic by 50%, and often prolongs anaesthesia. Ketamine (45mg/kg) and xylazine (8mg/kg) given together, result in adequate general anaesthesia for even extreme manipulations. Since the weight variance of high-birth-weight kittens can be significant, it is important to check the exact weight on a scale immediately prior to dosage.

http://www.bonsaikitten.com/pretreatment.jpg'>

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Initial insertion, with the aid of the ubiquitous Alessi shoehorn. Although insertion may seem simple through the wide opening, the shoehorn and other fine manipulation are recommended to prevent undesired fractures and subluxations of lumbar vertebrae. Although such untoward effects usually do not affect the final outcome in a cosmetically obvious fashion, Master Liu-Chen's writings repeatedly warn that deep tissue and skeletal damage due to careless cramming is sufficient to disqualify the resulting Bonsai Kitten from the highest levels of the art, and may also result in sub-optimal temperament as the kitten ages.

http://www.bonsaikitten.com/insertion.jpg'>

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Originally posted by R. Heydrich

Those ALL look like sex toys.

Try explaining that one in the emergency room.

And you thought gerbils was bad enough.

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Although the shell comes with several pre-formed openings, we recommend accurate placement of the feeding tube by custom-drilling a vent hole. This will serve to hold the kitten's head in place during the shaping process, preventing danger to infants as they play with their kitty through the larger petting holes. Matching the vent hole with the kitten's mouth is easier if the hole is drilled after insertion; the drill should be set to a low speed, and care should be taken not to apply too much forward pressure.

http://www.bonsaikitten.com/drilling.jpg'>

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Kitten intubated with coaxial feed/air tube. Intubation proceeds more easily with liberal application of a topical anaesthetic gel, such as Xylogel, to the outside of the tube, which should be advanced down the oesophagus to at least one-third of the unconstrained body length. The kitten is shown receiving its first post-insertion meal of a measured dose of food slurry containing three parts chicken baby food, one part whole egg, one part Silastic rubber compound, one part Nutrical and one part water. As this kitten will be a display model, we have chosen to divert to a separate waste tube via Super Glue anus sealing as usual.

http://www.bonsaikitten.com/intubated.jpg'>

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I've already opsted this topic, twice... it was actually funny the first time, about 2 years ago...

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