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.....worst shitting stories ever.......


CAPS

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Originally posted by toyeattoywar

who was it that had to take a roll to the walls with him everytime he went out to paint.

ahhh, too many interviews theyre all blending together.

 

I talked about that once. My bro has nervous bowels like a chihuahua or somethin. If we plan a late night raid, he has to bring t.p. in his pocket. He took the biggest drop right by this water tower we where workin' on and didn't tell anyone......... you can guess the rest.

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I was on the greyhound bus coming back from vegas when all of the sudden I got the shits,I tried to hold it but I couldnt so I went to the shitter in the back of the bus and let er rip shit came flying every where then I leaned forward to stop the pain and farted at the same time shit went flying all aginst the wall,I stunk up the hole damn bus.

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Originally posted by PopGunWar

i've recently had really sick shits. REALLY REALLY sick shits.

that and constipation.

 

Well get off the pills pop! How many fuckers have told you that you emo fucker. I think you are trying to make your shit black so it matches your hair/shoes/sox/belt/jacket/mood.

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  • 2 months later...
Guest tears*uno
Originally posted by swif1

holy crap [haha, get it?]

 

i remember when i was little my family and i went to visit inside the statue of liberty. i had to take a shit real bad. i took a shit in my pants before getting to the restroom on time -- which was about maybe a 100 feet or so away.

 

another time, when i was little, i was at home and had to go poop. i wasn't able to unbutton the thing on my shorts and my mum was on the phone. i couldn't get the shorts off on time so i proceeded to shat my pants.

 

another time when i was in kindergarten, i was wearing one of those jumpsuit type outfits like those nascar racers have - but there's a zipper going down the front [it's a one piece]. the zipper wouldn't go down so i took another shit in my pants. then i had to tell my teacher i went doo-doo in my "pants."

 

when i went to preschool, when i had to take a poo, i would tell the lady or guy in charge i had to go poop in vietnamese. they wouldn't understand me so i took a shit in my pants.

 

when i was a a real youngin,' in one of those bathtubs for babies, i took a shit and ate it. that's what my mum tells me. i can't remember it.

 

 

your fuckin gross dude... haha..

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Guest CeRtainlyNot
Originally posted by CAPS

K ....and now a thread about shitting. ONLY your worst shitting stories ever.

 

 

I was flying on an airplane , early flight, and had made my normalbreakfast of nicotine and a SHITLOAD of coffee. Well on a long early flight they tend to serve breakfast on the flight. I chose the eggs with sausage and a small cup of O.J. Alright first rule on an airplane, NEVER eat the meat and almost NEVER folow it up by acidic bevrages such as coffee, O.J. , apple juice......etc. K well I had at this point broken all the rules and was tapping it off by sipping a CARBONATED soda when all of a sudden something felt wrong. You know the feeling like when you think you may have left your wallet at the crack spot. Anyway, my stomache started making sounds like "lardass" in Stand By Me. Well I have had this happen before, I have bad intestines, so I was just content with waitng out to see if I was gonna need to bolt to the bathroom or just maybe rip a little ass and piss some poor folk off. About 5 minutes later, I was at an APEX. I was past getting to a bathroom on time. My guts where actually on fire and the pressure to my colon was building at an exponetial rate. But to add to the discomfort, I was getting really naseaus as well.

 

K from what I remember, I turned to the guy beside me and in between almost blacking out and screaming I actually PUKED all over the poor sap at the same time as releiving my lower intestine into my shorts. K now picture it, you puke and shit at the exact same time while sitting in an airplane seat with 2 hours of a flight left and NO change of shorts let alone clothes. Needless to say, I was VERY much hated by all around as the dank smell of of not only vomit but really runny shit wafted around the plane. I think I actually heard a guy mention that he was gonna have to "get a refund" or something.

 

K kids, you guys think you can top that?

 

 

this is by far the worst possible non violent atrocity any human being need endure...........

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eh yo kettiecat, disclosing information about shitting you pants aint cool...and i know i cant top this mother fuckers story right here^^^^^...but shittin and then suddenly fucking throwing up does suck...you cant exactly turn around and barf in the toilet when you got a turd hanging halfway out your ass....i guess i got lucky bein on the toilet and all, but damn it still fucking sucks

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Originally posted by SRGUN GNRAL

oh yeah once back in like grade 2 this kid i knew took a shit then toom some of his shit out of the toilet

then he checked exactly where ones foot would go once they stepped into the stall

(it took minutes of planning)

he then left his shit there for some child to walk in and step on

 

later that day the teacher came in and you know back then when a teacher would come in lookinjg upset and ask for the classes attention

 

me and my freind new right off the bat that she was gonna talk about what had did

turns out some poor little bastard walkked into the stall the foot went right in the shit and he slipped smoking his face into the toilet knocking him out

he was found by some other kid

 

my freind burst out into laughter after hearing this and him being the only one who laughed he was supected

 

for some reason this is utterly hilarious i havent laughed at the computer for a long long time

he got expelled and i can not really remember seeing him after that i was in the office with him and he explained to the principal how he had planned it out to the exact foot spot and everthing

 

i got suspended for not trying to stop him

 

for some reason this utterly hilarious i havent laughed at the computer for a long, long time

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  • 3 years later...
  • 6 months later...

This guy I work with shit his pants the other day, right in front of me..!!

We had to down in the basement and pull out some old boxes and shit and bring them up to this board room. Everything is going all fine until we go to pick up this box and its heavy as fuck, as the dude lifts his side up I hear a fart and following it was the immediate smell of hot ASS. The guys face was fucking priceless. I couldnt help but let go of the box and run out of the basement laughing my ass off. I ran back down after a couple of min and made fun of him for a few before I realized that he had actually shit his pants!!! Up until this point I thought he had farted, and the face he made afterwards was hysterical..now im almost rolling on the floor. So after a few I ran back up stairs and I snagged him some of that brown hand paper from the bathroom and dude put his shit in a box and tried to clean his pants...haha..I kept lookout on the steps and let him know when the coast was clear and he hauled ass through the lobby out to his car..with a huge shit stain on his pants and pant legs carrying a box of shit stainded underwear!!! ahhahahhahah!!

Highlight of my week. Had to bump this thread to tell all.

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this is taken from my hero, tucker max's page. its not my story, but its amazing, worth the read.

whole story here: http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/the_austin_road_trip.phtml#281

 

 

 

I hadn't realized how supremely shit-housed I was until we stumbled into our room at the Embassy Suites. You ever been so drunk you forgot that you have to shit until the last minute? Well I was at that stage. I nearly had my pants completely off when SlingBlade snaked past me and got into the toilet first. Fine, I go get out of my bar clothes and change into a t-shirt and pink Gap boxers to sleep in. I wait patiently for about three minutes, then I start pounding on the door, screaming at him that I am going to shit on his bed if he doesn't get out of there.

 

A short time later he opens the door laughing his ass off, and says, "That was perhaps the most prodigious shit ever. I just put that toilet into therapy."

 

I take a gander into the bathroom. It looks like Revelations. The toilet is overflowing, brown shit water is spilling out all over the bathroom floor, and the tank is making demonic gurgling noises.

 

THE MOTHERFUCKER CLOGGED UP A HOTEL TOILET!

 

Hotel toilets are industrial size; they are designed to be able to accommodate repeated elephant-sized shits, and their ram-jet engine flushes generate enough force to suck down a human infant, yet skinny ass 170-pound SlingBlade completely killed ours.

 

I nearly panic. I let loose a flurry of unintelligible curse words at SlingBlade, punctuated by a "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!," and knock over the lamp in my dash out of the room. The turtle is sticking his head out, and he is coming whether I am on a toilet or not.

 

I figure that there must be a bathroom somewhere in the lobby, so I shoot down the hall and hop in the elevator. Once in the lobby I can't seem to spot a bathroom anywhere. So, I head around the corner to the front desk, which doesn't face the lobby. It's about 4am, and no one is at the desk. I furiously hit the bell for at least a minute--CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG --until some poor lady comes out with sleep lines all over her face and tells me that the bathroom in the corner of the lobby.

 

It is hard to describe, so let me give you an aerial picture of what the lobby looks like:

EmbassyMap.gif

 

 

 

I turn the corner from the front desk into the lobby and realize I don't know which side of the triangular lobby she is talking about. I don't have time to go back and ask her, and I see a white door at the end of the left-hand side, so I quickly waddle towards it. Why am I waddling? Because I have to physically hold my butt cheeks together to prevent myself from crapping all over my pink Gap boxers. I am literally pressing my ass cheeks together with my hands. One of the prouder moments of my life.

 

I nearly bust the door off it's hinges as I plow through it. I hear a loud, "AYYYY!!," that almost literally scares the shit out of me. I jump back to see that this is a janitor's closet, complete with a small Mexican lady janitor. I momentarily contemplate taking a dump in the janitors bucket, but decide against that, mainly because of the presence of said female janitor.

 

I try to be as diplomatic as possible, considering that I am about to crap my pants:

 

Tucker "WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?"

Janitor "No, no se habla Ingles."

Tucker "WHAT?!? Huh, uh...DONDE ESTA FUCKING BANO?"

Janitor "AYA, AYA!"

 

She points across the lobby. About 60 yards from where I am standing, at the complete other end of the lobby, there is a set of doors that have a large "Restroom" sign over them. Right where the front desk lady said it would be, except on the opposite side of the lobby.

 

I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom. The decision is simple: I break into a full-on dead-ass sprint.

 

I am a decent athlete, I played football, baseball and basketball in high school, and I stay in good shape. I have run from cops before, I have run from guard dogs, from a legitimate drive-by shooting once while in Kentucky, but I don't think I have ever run that fast in my life. Nothing motivates like the prospect of being covered in human excrement.

 

Unfortunately, I was not fast enough. It went something like this:

 

-20 yards into the run I feel my boxers start to sag.

-30 yards into the run, about halfway, I feel my ass crack and legs get noticeably wet.

-40 yards into the run, my boxers have slid down to mid thigh. I am struggling to keep it together.

-50 yards into the run, I can feel wetness all over me and little specs of something hitting the back of my head and ears.

 

By the time I get to the bathroom door, the end of the 60 yards, I have completely lost it.

 

I am shitting myself. Full on crapping in my pink Gap boxers.

 

I step out of my boxers as I crash through the door. Shit is puddled in the seat. I blindly hurl them away from me, and nearly break the door to the first stall. I plop down on the seat and immediately slide off, because my ass is covered in slimy, runny feces. All the while, my butt hole is spouting forth waste. I finally get situated on the toilet and lose perhaps 20 pounds in the next 2 minutes.

 

During a short respite in my nearly superhuman flow of crap, I notice that the toilet is almost completely full of shit, so I flush. Predictably, the toilet overflows. Great. I move to the next stall, and continue my little adventure, except this time I courtesy flush every few seconds.

 

By the time I finish, I am physically exhausted, completely dehydrated, and my eyes are tearing up from shitting so hard. I laugh at the inadequacy of toilet paper to clean my body. I take my shirt off and see that the back of it is completely covered in little specks of shit that my heels kicked up from the diarrhea that ran down my legs as I ran. I throw the shirt in the trash, and then see the mirror. My pink Gap boxers are crumpled in a ball on the sink, with a thick black streak leading from the top of the mirror down to them. This is their final resting place.

 

Completely naked and covered in my own poop, I chuckle, because at this point if I don't laugh I have to cry. As I open the bathroom door to the lobby, I think to myself, "Who else on earth could be having a worse night than me?"

 

My question is immediately answered.

 

I see a trail of shit, starting very wide at my feet, getting progressively smaller until it apexes at the chunky white shoes of none other than the small Mexican lady janitor.

 

Her eyes met mine. We may have been separated by numerous religious, language and socioeconomic barriers, but the "What the fuck just happened?" expression on her face crossed all boundaries.

 

Now really--picture this scene: I am butt-ass naked, crap plastered all over my ass, legs, back and head, standing about 20 yards away from a Mexican maid, with a trail of black liquid shit leading from her directly to me. What would you do? I wasn't sure. I don't think there is any defined etiquette for this situation.

 

I shrug my shoulders, say, "Uhh, sorry. I mean, uh--lo siento. Good night. Buenos noche--or whatever," and calmly walk to the elevator.

 

From the glass window in the elevator, I can see her sobbing. The rest of the lobby tells me why: Not only had my legs kicked shit up on the back of my ears and head, they had sprayed little specs of poop all over EVERYTHING. The couches, the walls, everywhere.

 

Come to think of it, she wasn't sobbing. I believe "hysterical crying" would be a better descriptive term. Oh well, someone has to clean up my messes, and it sure as shit isn't going to be me.

 

When I get back to the room, SlingBlade is already in bed. He rolls over, takes one look at me and, never one for sympathy, begins laughing uncontrollably. He literally has to stop laughing because he strains his abdominal muscle. It takes him five whole minutes before he can get the words out,

 

SlingBlade "Where--where the fuck are your pants?"

Tucker "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. This is all your fault, Mr. Rhino Dump. If you hadn't had that miscarriage in our toilet I wouldn't be COVERED IN SHIT!"

 

He couldn"t stop laughing long enough to respond. I took what remained of my dignity and got in the shower. As I was cleaning the poop off my back, I could hear him yell out:

 

"This is clear proof that there is a God, and he is just!"

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it was about a 90 plus degree day out and i was about to skateboard in this annual contest thing, i had a huge ass breakfast before this and i didnt know that this would be my demise. So a couple of hours past and its just hot as fuck, im seriously sweating balls, then i feel a little rumbling in my stomach, oh shit i say to myself, i have to shit, looking around i cant find any indoor bathrooms or anything of that kind. My stomach rumbles again and im getting really desperate to drop this deuce. I look at the far end of the skatepark and what do i see....a port-o-john, so i said fuck it. I stepped into the port-o-potty only to discover about thrity or more people beat my to the punch, plus the heat was really kicking in so the stink coming from the port-o-potty was getting horrid. Before planting my ass on the seat i put down about 5 layers of toilet paper on the seat, and i hover my ass over the seat. The sound of the shit i took is undescribable, the form was purely liquid, the only feeling i can describe is niagra falls out of my ass. The relief that came from taking this shit was tremendous, i felt like l lost a couple of pounds. So as i finish wiping my ass i hear my name get called to go skate, o fuck i scream, i run out of the port-o-potty and skate terribly and thats my story.

 

i think the moral of this story is dont eat a big ass breakfast before you're active on a 90 plus degree day out

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a friend of my dad's noticed the dude in the seat next to him on an overseas flight had died (peacefully). He told the flight hostess and all they could do was put a sheet over him. as corpses do he had crapped and pissed himself as well, and matey had to sit next to the poo pants dead guy for like 15 more hours

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the last 10k race i was in at about the 7k mark i realized i had to shit. BAD. i thought about quitting the race as i was genuinely concerned about crapping my pants. i decided to hold on, finish the race.

as i cross the finish i'm starting to have the pokey little puppy come out to play. i reach the bathrooms verging a full on explosion. not a second after my ass hits the seat the champagne cork blew for the worst smelling, probably biggest dump i have ever taken. it was a speed dump as my body had been holding it in for the last 3000 meters. as i exit the restroom i realize i was in the ladies restroom... the woman outside my stall is initially shocked by my gender, and then the hit of what i left in there hit her... i sprinted out to meet up with the rest of my team.

we got 1st corporate division. word?

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