Alcoholism

[PITOFZOMBIES]

& WHILE IM SPOUTING MY SELF REALIZED SAGE-ICAL SHIT. FOR ANY NEWBIES/YOUNGER DRINKERS, THE DAYS YOU START WAKING UP & HAVING THAT FIRST DRINK JUST TO STAY FUCKN SANE, NEVER MIND THE SHAKES, IS THE DAY THE MADNESS STARTS ITS HOMERUN, & THEN ONLY YOU CAN GET YOURSELF OUT.

 

 

KNOW WHERE YOUR GOING....AND JUST FUCKN GO THERE.

 

This right here. Two years later and this still rings true as ever.

 

 

 

I hope you folks are doing well. Going to Hawaii for a pair of weeks tomorrow. Don't imagine it'll pose any problems, but it is a place where i furthered my drinking career significantly. I've been stressed out lately and I'm hoping it calms me down.

[redeyedanimal]

Yo, this time of year fuckin blows when you've lost a dozen people in a year.

BUT:

I am choosing to take care of myself so that I can be there for my family. There a people hurting worse than me, and it is my job to be able to be there to help support them.

I am not saying I will be totally sober, but family is my number one priority, my drinking fucks that up. I'll do the best I can to be the strongest I can be.

 

When I look outside myself, and I don't see what I want, sometimes I leave my mind alone and just get by.

[injury]

best wishes through new years, all

[theprotester]

Spending my first Christmas in about ten years alone this year. Got my dog though.

[ThatDrawingBitch]

2014 is gonna be my year, I'm determined.

 

I'm kinda bored with drinking. Getting a lot more days in with no booze, or just a pint in the evening. Resolutions, promises to myself.

 

Still going on crazy binges though; Dec is fucking difficult for me. But I enjoy the quiet nights where we draw and watch shit.

 

Stay up yo. <3

[redeyedanimal]

TDB, resolutions fail because people don't like the idea of never doing the things they enjoy, ever again. That is why alcoholics say they are staying sober today, and tomorrow they will deal with tomorrow.

 

Also, the impression of negatives on the mind has a prolific effect. Saying "I'm not going to drink" affects your mind much differently than "I'm going to stay sober". Stay positive! And don't over think it like I tend to do....

[injury]

well-said @red

a social worker i once had to report to said that she got way more worried for the people who came in saying "i'm here to never drink again" than for people who said "sobriety is better for me"

[ThatDrawingBitch]

Sobriety is definitely better for me. I get way more shit done!

[theprotester]

http://youtu.be/CNvKtZt6Y_8

[redeyedanimal]

Must spread repz pro, Devin the dude is that dude.

 

[injury]

So ... i'll have 6 months on thursday. and ive been thinking a lot about what that means lately.

 

first, i guess i want to thank people that made it possible, this thread has helped a lot - even the knowledge that other people are going through similar shit helps, even when our stories are (likely) pretty different. i appreciate the anti- and pro-aa people equally; though aa works just fine for me and i can tolerate/ignore the jesus, i respect that some people want nothing to do with that nor the cult that comes with it.

 

i have sobriety to thank for a decent job that pays for things i want and debts i still owe to a lot of people. i'm 40 pounds lighter and look and feel physically better most days. my creative work and graffiti are some of the best i've ever done, and getting better. i show up - for my friends, for my family, and for my fucking life, finally. i can make decisions that are better in the long term and finally think and act as a man, not a drunk fucking mess. i almost have a clean record again for the first time in a few years (as long as you don't look up my name in certain states!)

 

it's come with a lot of costs, too.

 

gone is the escape of oblivion, and any relief from a life i've primarily spent shredding to pieces. only in sobriety have I realized how few friends i really have that i connect with on more than a superficial level. sobriety has enabled me to reflect on the stupid fucking choices i made all along in vivid, HD detail. not to mention the relief of knowing "i'll be drunk later, so who gives a shit" is something i miss deeply on a lot of days. that's honest. it would be nice to forget sometimes what the fuck is actually going on and do something stupid, possibly with strangers. i wish i could be a part of something that granted total escape from the things i face on a daily basis. nothing works like substances.

 

gone too are a lot of people i thought i was close to. many "friends" have proven to be confused or intimidated by someone who doesn't drink, so they stay away. they're out of ideas for spending time with someone that doesn't involve drinking. most would say that's a welcome change and that i'm now free to make real friends, but it's really just left me high and dry far from the rest of friendly, normal society. this fringe living is mildly uncomfortable for me most days... i expect that it'll get easier as i go along and get used to it, though, and i'm confidant that i'll someday find other weirdos who are into most of the same shit i am. until then, though, this is a lonesome existence.

 

gone are the days of me being a happy go-lucky type. sober living has helped me become a colder, harder, more solitary version of myself, at the cost of personal interest in anyone or anything else. this feels selfish and isolating, but i've found that i can no longer start nor maintain a conversation about something that isn't compelling to me (or about me) - and it's blatantly obvious to people when i'm not interested as i go from 0-irritated in no time at all these days.

 

tldr... i've found that, though i dislike a lot of the person i've become in sobriety, it mostly beats the person i was while i was drinking. i'm still thankful for sobriety most of the time.

 

end rant.

stay up, stay sober if it makes you happy.

 

thanks.

[morton]

40 pounds in 6 months is a lot of weight loss, based on my experience I would recommend against throwing away your old pants, you may bounce around a little and need em back.

 

Congrats on 6 months, the HD clarity of regrets fades with time.

 

I never really figured out the whole friends thing, I have a core group of like 3 people who are really more like family and whom I do not necessarily see all that much. Beyond that I have some acquaintances from work over the years who I stay in touch with and that is about it.

 

If I devoted more time to pursuits other than work and family I think I would meet a few more like minded people, when I was swimming and hiking during a stretch of unemployment last year I started to see how that could happen. I guess in reality a lot of the friends I had when I was using fit this model, the main thing we had in common was drinking or using and then happened to be somewhat compatible due either to personality or personal interests.

 

I hear some people say shit like "my friends are my life" and that is all well and good I guess but from me it also seems that friends are over rated.

 

There is also the possibility that I am an asshole I suppose.

 

As far as my own journey with sobriety I recently decided that since weed is legal in Washington now I should give it a go and see if I enjoy smoking a bit now and then. I struggled with this for a bit but have now been offered a position that will require drug testing which pretty much answers the question for me.

 

It will be four years without a drink in February, I quit the day before my child's ninth birthday and he will soon be thirteen, how time flies.

 

15 years with no needle dope in march.

[swordfish meatloaf]

the methadone clinic ran out of funding december first. got caught up again. now i'm just waiting out the hell in a safer place, away from the hood. wishing y'all a safe, sober holiday. pray for a nigga. my baby comin' home soon.

 

love,

-swordski

[brothhalynch]

shit

[injury]

will keep you in my thoughts sword.

 

thanks for a thoughtful response morton. i like reading what you've got to say in this thread, i find myself nodding along to much of it normally.

 

stay up soberoontz

[PITOFZOMBIES]

pretty much all of that hits home, Injury. I don't get to have any of that drunk, goofy friendliness anymore either, of course. Generally misanthropic these days, though I feel like it's not without reason.

And amen to minimal friends. I do fine without a flock around me. Had a chat with my lady and and another girl the other day about growing up an only child. Homegirl was raised in Alaska, no less, and we were talking about hitting that breaking point at social gatherings and needing to just be alone. Being sober has amplified this need. Actually, drinking helped me cope with being places i didn't naturally want to be, but that my 'friends' were at.

I'm sleepy... sorry for any incoherence.

 

Stay up, Mort, Inj... and all of the fixtures of this thread... Sword, you too. take care of yourself.

[theprotester]

Stay up to all.

 

Shitty season.

 

I have a good thing that could be going on, but my program thinks otherwise with regards to getting close to someone within the first 12 months.

 

Anyone with experience?

[morton]

Similar to many pursuits of self improvement getting sober is a pretty selfish affair. I think that at its root the objection to relationships is that they, when done correctly, involve giving a bit of yourself.

 

Another plausible reason is that dealing with the failure of a relationship ending or the drama that can go along with one will prove too much for the individual early in their recovery to handle without threat of relapse.

 

Being sober in a relationship with a practicing addict is a bit more of a dicey proposition, my girlfriend at the point when I quit drinking kept on drinking for about 8 months after I quit. I did not really find being around the drinking to cause cravings for me as much as I judged her for continuing to drink. Without sharing with group I had resigned myself to breaking off the relationship if she did not quit by my one year date, but I think seeing me go on without gave her the confidence to quit, she just passed 3 years without a drink and we were married in the summer.

 

I have always maintained that getting sober at the same time with a partner, romantic or doping, is a horrible idea.

 

Personally I would not worry about it too much, but I also look on the program as a whole with some skepticism, for me being clean is enough, I do not have some personal journey of step work or any of that either behind me or in front of me. I have gone to meetings for the fellowship and to share in the common experience and wisdom.

[bed framed]

 

Another plausible reason is that dealing with the failure of a relationship ending or the drama that can go along with one will prove too much for the individual early in their recovery to handle without threat of relapse.

 

 

 

 

My gf and I broke up about a lil more than a month ago. I hit the bottle hard for a few weeks afterward and it was probably the worst I've ever felt in my life. Alcohol and depression is never a good mix. I missed a couple days of work, nearly got fired, and I cut myself off to the world. Well, that made me even more depressed because I really felt like I had no one. It got to a point where I was vomiting every 15 mins. and I couldn't take it anymore. I decided that I needed to just cut off my drinking for a while and focus on my life. We broke up, fuck it, life goes on. I've got my own place and a job that pays the bills so it's not like my life is a mess. Now I'm just trying to reconnect with myself after always thinking about 'us' first. Time to get back to what makes me happy. While I may not come in this thread much I do respect what you guys are doing & I hope you all can stay strong during the holidays. I'll be working for Christmas and New Years (fuckin sucks) so I'll have my mind off drinking.

 

 

I'm only 3 weeks in but you gotta start somewhere. Who knows how long I'll hold this up, I just know that right now this is the best thing for me and my health.

[LUGR]

So, I have been fucking up. I have been still checking this thread but haven't felt like I should be posting in here with the ways I have been acting.

 

After a year and a half no drank I went back to it. Gradual at first but ended up drinking all but 8 days of the last 6 months. Took 2 days off when I was sick, 5 days (2 weeks ago) when i felt weak and was trying to get it together with eating healthy and gym time. But then went out that Friday and went off the deep end. Binged hard for the next 6 days. Don't really remember much of those days. I do remember not showing up to a dinner date with a women I had just met 2 weeks before because I could not find the restaurant. She waited 2 hours then bounced to meet her friends. I insisted on going to meet her and her friends for the first time showing up wasted, not a good look. Haven't seen her since but been talking and trying to get my health & strength up and then see if that can work out.

 

Day after I last drank liquor(2 days ago) I had to move and felt the worst I ever have. Drank 5 24's to level the nerves and handle the move still feeling like shit. Yesterday was the first day no drink and woke up in my freezing new room sweating like mad a few times. Tried painting today and eating with chopsticks...both near impossible. Minus the shakes my body does feel better today but mind still feels dumb. Anyways that's my update.

 

Hope you're all well. Big ups to Sword glad u ain't code4rd and that ur girl getting free soon.

[fat ralphy]

it will never be something that we can go back to with any level of success if we are truly alcoholics....

 

i haven't gone to a meeting in months, pretty much over the AA thing because I am starting to see it as outside pressuring you to view things in specific ways.

 

that being said it really helped me get to where I am but I feel like I have other things that keep me on track.

 

i hope you guys make the choices that are the best and healthiest for you.

[CILONE/SK]

I thought about what is the correct thing to say to you LUGR, but I could not come up with anything, except that I hope you stop drinking and it gets easier for you.

[theprotester]

Still in on this thread. Not really anything to say, but just keep at it people.

 

Thanks for the response Morton.

[theprotester]

And bedframed.

[PITOFZOMBIES]

Kinda had a feeling you might be back at it, Lugr. Sorry to hear that. But shit man, don't ever feel like you shouldn't be sharing in this thread. A big part of what helps people learn is seeing what causes others to relapse and how they handle their drinking after having spent some time sober. Sounds like it's true, that we can't ever control our drinking. Not to make you feel like some fucking guinea pig, or a test subject, but our sobriety was relatively parallel from early on, and seeing what might happen if I had decided to drink again is pretty interesting... it hits close to home. With that said, I'm really sorry shit went south for you dude. You can always turn it around again. You had a lot of insight from the get-go, and now you have even more. I know you're a smart dude. I hope you're able figure out what you need to do to thrive. Holler if you need anything.

 

To whoever was asking about the GF-while-getting-sober predicament, I was in that situation. It was pretty risky, looking back on it, but while the relationship failed, my sobriety stayed in tact without any scares. The girl i was with was definitely supportive of it, and we linked up about 1-2 months after my last drink. Clearly a dumb decision... but I guess i got lucky. If you end up with someone who doesn't "get it", you're treading on dangerous ground for sure. If you deal with breakups poorly, well shit, you might not ever get sober if you're dating all the while. I was still figuring out a lot about myself and how i functioned without drinking, and I wasn't able to put as much into the relationship as a result. They come and go. Generally I'd say "no dating while early in sobriety" is a good rule to follow... but having a supportive partner can definitely help you maintain.