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copped a fucking heinous virus (scandinavian start of winter type shit) a few weeks back, forced me off alcohol for about 6 days. until then i didn't really notice that i couldn't remember the last time i'd gone more than 1 day without drinking. i've been on the road for over two years now and in that time i'd be lucky if there was a combined total of one month where i haven't drank anything.


so then i started smoking a fuckton more hydro and hash to compensate, cold went away and i got back on the wagon. i didn't have withdrawals (although the shakes i've had consistently for about 2 years went away) so i'm fairly sure my problem isn't alcohol, it's sobriety.


and now i've got some stupidly good hookups for class-A shit, gotta find a balance soon before i fall off the deep end.


keep on keeping on.

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Two years ago yesterday i stumbled down to the closest AA meeting i could find. Maybe a ten minute walk from my door. I was definitely scared. I had to step out for a moment in the middle of the meeting when i felt like i was going to vomit. But i began soaking up the wisdom offered by the regulars and got some foundation built for my sobriety. After a month and a few weeks, i felt the need to distance myself from the meetings and ended up never going back. My life continued to improve as sobriety became a solid and tangible facet of my personality. At this point I've plateaued in terms of improvement when compared to my time drinking. For the better part of that first year, every damn day felt better than the one before it. It was great. Now i feel normal for the most part. i'm used to not drinking, to not being hungover. Now stomach aches from gorging myself with food are the worst i feel, physically. The endorphins from skateboarding give me much of the same high i used to find with liquor. Anxiety comes and goes. I don't fully understand the point of most social functions anymore. I find that they often mirror high school hallways; just a place to be seen wearing your most recently purchased clothes and hold contrived conversations with people you are indifferent toward. I'm happy being something of a hermit, skateboarding as much as i can, and enjoying my work. I sometimes romanticize the drinking i used to do, which is really what pushed it to the point of becoming addiction, but i hit a low enough low that it's easy to bring myself back to reality with those awful memories. I'm not unlike someone who was attacked by a dog as a child, and who will never live down that ingrained fear.


Anyway, I hope you're all doing well. Be safe, Red. Good work protestor and the other folks at the beginning of, or contemplating the trip. Inj, super stoked to see you keeping at it dude. FR, i'm gonna shoot you a PM when i have more time regarding your counseling path and all that. I've been entertaining the idea of pursuing education in the substance abuse field.


here's to another year sober...

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Word up to POZ on 2 years. Really happy for you dude, you deserve it.


I also stopped because of medicine i had to take. It wasn't that hard. Moving closer to my favorite bar/restaurant..that's gonna be hard. Either way I feel better. For the better part of the month stone cold sober, you really do end up appreciating things in your life end even the day. Friend told me yesterday starting sober is like learning how to do everything for the first time again. Got a few goals I need to work for, slowly tryna find a job, and hopefully more of a permanent place to live. Then get myself a nice woman and a dog. Gonna try to focus on that which is a big enough distraction to try to focus on and improve quality of life.

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i spent a night in lock up at the beginning of the month and i'm sure yall know how that shit gets when you go in drunk and sober up and are stuck staring at blank walls maybe have withdrawals.


thought about my life non-stop. my birthday was coming up (it was the 11th). thought about everything i should/could do. thought i'd start cutting back/weening off and finally blow everyone's mind and quit drinking on my birthday.


after getting bailed out i told my three recovering friends and my recovering crush/shorty/partner-in-weird my plans/thoughts/feels.


did 3 days sober, then had a 40 and a shot.


then did two or three days again.


then the birthdays came.


my sister's on the 8th, bestfriend's on the 9th. sober the 10th. tanked on my bday the 11th.


the 12th i went to my first meeting with shorty. sober sunday.


freaked out monday cuz bad morning. went to the bar and got super trashed. shorty hit me up to hang out and then go to a last call meeting...she get pissed when i told her what had happened...but she was more mad i was being a longwinded bitch about everything and i came off stupid and shit got misread


sober yesterday


sober today. even tho i went into a bar. and had a long bus/train trips with many transfers where i could've gotten drinks.


shorty isn't mad anymore and we hung out all night after my long ass transit. can't sleep for shit afterwards tho despite sleeping pills and kava tea


but this movie "You Kill Me" is on about an alcoholic assassin who's crime family sends him outwest to dry out and they hire a guy to make sure he goes to AA meetings and his new legit job

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I'm hearing you, Feeder. Haven't seen the movie, but I've watched Bill W. a fair few times now.


It's all one day at a time, for all of us, yo. A lot of people focus on that sober time, counting and measuring, I wouldn't want anyone to hate on themself for having a lapse of judgement - each day is as important as the last.


Wasn't sure if this is worth posting in here;




A lot of people are a lot of things, and we're all different, in different life situations, but isn't it amazing how close we all are in thought processes?


Stay up, yo.

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It's all one day at a time, for all of us, yo. A lot of people focus on that sober time, counting and measuring, I wouldn't want anyone to hate on themself for having a lapse of judgement - each day is as important as the last.


time is also valuable when talking about being vigilant ... because it's easy to autopilot this shit especially after you've got a lot of time under your belt. it's so easy to take it for granted, that's how i relapsed.


one day at a time, deciding "i'm not gonna drink today" is all it takes.


respect to POZ for his years, and everyone else out there.


had a lot of this (sobriety/etc) on my mind lately ..


friend of a friend OD'd the other day, had relapsed and was trying to rejoin the program after surgery and self-medicating on pain meds. never met the dude but my friend is unhappy about it. his own words were "i've seen enough relapses/deaths in my time in this program that it doesn't really faze me that much anymore"


it's nice & comfortable to forget that this shit can/will kill you if you give it the chance. remembering how deep i got in it myself has been tempering the cravings this week. considering an exercise program or diet change to help fight them next week and beyond ... sick of 'em.


stay up

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^^ keep your head up sleaze ... this shit isn't easy.


i keep thinking about what i heard this one woman say in a meeting from the weekend ... she was probably 26-27, tall, nice enough, real attractive - remarking how she went to a work happy hour-type event, for the first time in a long time. she's been sober for 5-6 years and spoke on how she forgot what being hit on, or getting public attention in public felt like at all, that it was nice and she missed it. spends all her fridays in meetings, most saturdays.


fucking pity that people choose to live their life like that.

only seems like you swap one form of lonely misery for another

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Pro, you are wise. I'm hoping the new job will give me some kind of structure. I feel I have trouble being an adult almost all of the time.



might give you structure but don't rely on it for anything else, like a feeling of contention.

i thought a job would do the same for me .. not the case.


also, being an adult isn't fun and doesn't come naturally for anyone i know in recovery, you're not alone. be yourself, it's a lot easier than trying to be an "adult"

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everyone in here seems to have been/be on the user/abuser side.


what about the support end of it?


how does one support an addict? i know its such a vague question and a very individualized topic...but maybe some of you can share a bit about the people in your life that supported you?


im trying to stand by the side of someone i care about. Thought i was dong the right thing...until relapse happened. recently. i see how others in their life talk down and almost write them for dead because of long time drug use-i see it doesnt help AT ALL.


what have people close to you done to support you and still be a part of your life now?

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The line between support and enabling is so thin that I think it is better to err on the side of less rather than more support.


The folks I used to do dope with were of high enough stature that they did not come around or offer to get me high when I made the decision to go sober. That was the helpful.

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