Alcoholism

[breakfast menu]

saturday night posting because a crewmate went to rehab and just came back this week and went right back to his substances of choice. barely talked to him before he went out, he called me this afternoon too fucked up to say his name.

 

a mutual friend just called to invite me out ... i'm posting/painting and thinking that'll make things better.

 

This I fully understand. I see responsible indulgence as a natural part of being alive. I often get in moods where I just want SOMETHING. it could be coffee or a ciggy or whatever. some people just can't moderate or choose heavy motherfucking vices that end up becoming a lifestyle

 

I used to drink super super cold icewater that gave me satisfaction in the way another minor vice would.

 

this is a good perspective. my program and understanding has mostly rewritten my thinking to think that the cravings themselves are the unhealthy thing, as opposed to acting on that craving with alcohol. is alcoholism, the disease, that urge? or just our reaction to it? i wonder. because i still treat sugar, coffee, carbonated water, salt, and carbs like an addict. they just won't kill me as fast.

 

i had a cigar and a really hot curry last night and it quieted the urges i had been fighting all week, even after hitting three meetings. a lot of this is still really wild to me, i usually don't understand how this disease and my body work together (or don't).

 

that's frustrating - it'll be 2 years in june - and i feel like i haven't made much progress sometimes. but that frustration is really just wanting to have control over my disease, which would allow me to ... (wait for it) ... get back to drinking. i'll keep coming back.

 

... It's not worth the risk.

 

On the topic of growth, I recall the idea that when we're drinking, we're in the midst of what is essentially a standstill of personal growth, and that when we finally stop, we pick up where we left off BEFORE alcohol took over. It's scary to think about this, and it definitely rings true. I wonder how much further along I'd be had I not drained those years. On the brighter side of that concept, I feel like I went into a stint of overdrive with self-reflection and general growth, which might have helped offset those lost years. Who knows? I don't want to lose any more years of learning about myself though.

 

lot of good points in here, it isn't worth the risk. what persuades you that you can't control your drinking may prove fatal, too.

 

i think getting sober put me back to being about an 18 year old, mentally. might be 20-21 now. i still have a lot of catching up to do. it's really, really tight to develop as a person, though. i can show up for people at places. i can go to work on time, often. i can talk to girls like a normal person. tons of little gifts i simply didn't have when i was drinking.

 

i can't imagine how much less self-aware i'd if i wasn't taking on this addiction.

those of you wondering about whether to get on board with this for real, you have that to look forward to - i promise.

 

Actually, I realized, where I live drinking alcohol is more socially acceptable than not drinking alcohol, in a way. It sucks.

 

Also I do miss listening to metal drunk.

 

But besides this, sober is the way to go..

 

Keep it up everybody!

 

x 2.it's not easy sometimes. i feel like i'm missing a lot for not hitting the bar, sometimes, but it only takes a quick replay to remind yourself how things really were, not just the rose-colored-glasses version.

 

hi im rack101 and im a alcoholic....

been to aa meetings and talked about graff also.

 

welcome dude.

we have a decent little handful of sober people in here.

i hope you stick around.

painting has aided my sobriety. i don't talk about it in meetings, but wish i could. more power to you.

 

It's definitely daunting to think of drinking and the hole there'd be if you quit. Took me a bit to get comfortable being inside my own sober head, but once you're settled into it, it's actually pretty cool to start feeling like you don't need the escape. "Liberating" is one word for it. I know I've let my other hobbies each put dents in that void, and I am okay with spending time in my head with whatever scraps are left after that.

 

I used to drink to help me stop worrying about what people think of me (social anxiety in a nutshell). The irony of that being that I was giving more cause for judgement by being a drunk idiot than I was just being myself. Since I got my shit together, my day-to-day confidence has piled up and I've stopped worrying about it almost entirely. I have realized that it's not my job to make people like me, it's my job to be myself and let people like me if they were so inclined. Considering how uninteresting most people are when you stop and think about it, it makes it pretty easy to not stress it when there's nothing on the line. It's kind of a 'no shit, idiot' revelation, but I think many people who struggle with drinking might be able to relate.

The clarity it took for me to realize that might be something that comes with age, or it might be something that comes with sobriety; I lean towards it being a little of both. I've been without the booze for a while now, so it's not necessarily easy to attribute all the good changes in my life to sobriety, but I have a feeling it plays a role.

 

If you feel like reality needs to be escaped from, then maybe making adjustments within that reality is the best game plan. The thing is, reality ain't going away, so why not tinker with how to make it better instead of trying to block it out?

This is not directed all at you, Rolf, but your post got me thinking.

 

Thanks Breakfast Menu and the rest of you for reading my walls of text

 

this was a FIRE post even before i got props.

 

learning who the person is behind the drunk fog is an intimidating and beautiful process if you let it be. it's a lifetime thing that only works when you're open to it.

 

i've found that i know the man in the mirror better now than i ever did. not all of it is nice, of course, but a lot of it is just fine. both are comfortable places for me now. that's most important.

 

rolf, anyone else - you'll find stuff to replace the time you spent drinking. you kind of have to. you'll probably have an unbelievable amount of time free that you didn't used to. at first i filled that time with meetings. i began to make friends. i started doing things that i had always wanted to - the things i sat on the barstool and talked about in a past life. i've come to fill my time with things like decent relationships, painting, and writing that i've always wanted to do. side effect: i have things to talk to people about when they say "what's up?" from a barstool or otherwise.

 

i return phone calls now, too, which took up a good chunk of my afternoon today. never used to do that!

 

Fuckin aye..... Last wknd I went hiking on a real hot day and forgot my canteen. Whole ride home a cold beer sounded great. Stopped at at bar a few blocks from home at about 11am for ONE beer to beat the heat.... quickly went through all the cash I had on me and started charging. Thankfully I was smart enough to walk home and I left my car. Came home and drank all of my roommates beer in the fridge. Had a date that night at about 9pm and she said I was trashed when she picked me up. I guess she made me some fancy dinner that I barely remember and then we went out w her roommates. I woke up with an overdrawn checking account, a girl filling me in on entire conversations and meals I don't remember, and a realization I don't have control of this shit any more... And especially no more drinking alone because that seems to be when I get in trouble.

 

Going to really focus on keeping myself strait and have told my close friends to keep an eye on me if they can. Thankfully they were all very cool about that. Except a couple of dudes ...who I guess I wont be seeing much anymore....

 

i recognize/relate to a lot of this, have done some of it myself.

recognizing you've lost control is step 1 (literally ... haha).

it sounds like you're in the right place here.

 

i could never stop drinking alone, i liked it too much.

if you can wean yourself from it, props.

[fat ralphy]

Saw some dude today who just got out after serving 2 flat......he looked like a completely different person.

 

Healthy weight, younger than he did before. The drugs and alcohol will fuck you up naggers.

 

Morton, I would take that bitch to court. Fuck that shit, little dude needs some daddy boot camp.

[Toiletseat]

Is this where it all leads to? Not drinking , not doping, not doing any goddamned thing. Despite the fact that i've often fantasized about the way of my living and getting my act together, everything about sobriety is somehow offending to me. I'm ashamed that i can't regulate, i'm scared that i'll lose my social circle, i'm dissapointed in my goddamned self. So many fucking I's. Writing this all the while from a comedown caused by a cocaine and whisky fueled thursday night , i'll laugh in a few days about my current state of mind and make the same mistake all over again.

 

That's how it all went down the last fucking decade atleast. Got fired today from a job that i'd enjoyed and wasn't something menial or retarded. thoughts flying everywhere, don't know how to sort them. Plans for the future and at the same time pondering about the past. How to better myself, how to solve this fucking problem. Wanting to punch myself in the gut, the feeling that i've experienced so many times before. Ashamed about not having self control, ashamed that i'm apparently "that" kind of people. Scared of seeking help, despite the fact it's the only motherfucking option left. Nothing to blame, no superficial excuses left. Sarcasm kicks in and thinking of deleting this trainwreck of a journal, anne frank would be proud. I need to get my shit together of keep being a born loser for the years to come, the one and only thing to do is become sober.

 

Well its out now and my reputation is out of the fucking window

[Fist 666]

Fuck reputation. Just keep being a prick in the other threads, it's okay to be human in here.

 

cliche, but admitting there is a problem is the first step to solving it. The guys that have done it can tell you better than I can, though.

[CALIgula]

Fuck reputation. Just keep being a prick in the other threads, it's okay to be human in here.

 

THIS.

[CILONE/SK]

Ain't gonna lie, I was waiting for a dildo joke.

 

 

For real, handle your business.

 

Get help if you need help.

 

No shame in that.

[slowDown]

I used to like the feeling of being slightly out of control. Lately I find that I get bored about six or seven beers in, then I just want to eat some greasy food and go to bed. Even with this, I still feel the desire to drink everyday, but most days I just don't act on it. I think that is largely due to the fact that I just have so much going on that I can't afford to feel like shit the next day.

 

Do you folks find that you still have this daily desire to drink, and does it ever go away?

[Deine Mudder]

Well its out now and my reputation is out of the fucking window

 

There's no neg rep anymore on here

: ]

 

That was a great post of yours in a way - you got it figured out pretty good, in detail.

 

I can tell you honestly that stopping is not really fun, but it really isn't as hard as everybody makes it out to be.

Just do it.

 

Staying sober feels like it's "work" at the beginning, but also you begin to feel pretty good about yourself rather quickly.

 

Best of luck man!

[Deine Mudder]

I still feel the desire to drink everyday, but most days I just don't act on it.

Yes, this is how it works.

 

I just have so much going on that I can't afford to feel like shit the next day.

This definately helps.

This also means: If you want to quit, get yourself busy / work. So you have another reason not to get wasted. It helps.

Also you earn money and are able to buy cool shit / yummy food etc. - reward yourself - which is also very motivating.

 

Do you folks find that you still have this daily desire to drink

No.

 

does it ever go away?

Yes.

First I didn't drink because I was afraid I'd fall back into old habits, then I realised that being drunk really isn't something that I want.

I began to dislike drunk people, many friends among them, really acting like assholes / loosers.

Also when you think of it, it's actually not that much of a great "high", is it.

[Sleazeside Heights]

Thanks for sharing toiletseat, you're always appreciated here. POZ very eloquent description of real things and how to begin to deal with them. I've been struggling the last couple of weeks, actin a fool. I picked up some more work shifts to keep occupied and make money since i spent so much. I'm staying sober tonight, working on some personal projects, creative things i can make and sell and get some satisfaction naturally. I've still been sewing, which is very relaxing and a great way to deal with stress. I feel it kind of lets an overactive mind relax staying focused on a task. Stay up everyone.

[fat ralphy]

Stay up G

[slowDown]

First I didn't drink because I was afraid I'd fall back into old habits, then I realised that being drunk really isn't something that I want.

I began to dislike drunk people, many friends among them, really acting like assholes / loosers.

Also when you think of it, it's actually not that much of a great "high", is it.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

Feeling pretty tempted right now. Have finals next week and all I want to do is fuck around and get wasted. I make these excuses in my head that I can take a night off of studying, and that the drinking will release some stress and make future study sessions more productive... Crazy how those thoughts come to be, because I know they are total bullshit.

[Guest]

Stayed in tonight and banged out some full pages in a black book I'm borrowing instead of going out... Even though it's the first weekend I've had off in months.

[Fist 666]

Damn. I haven't done a full page in a black book in years. I've got a couple weeks between semesters. Might have to get on that.

[Guest]

Did a T&C Surf Designs t shirt themed page I'm especially proud of.

..Ww2 themed page..And a pop-out book style one with some Jean Pierre Roy artworks I cut out of a magazine in the back

 

My attention span isn't what it used to be though...shit was a GRIND.

[Toiletseat]

thanks all

[breakfast menu]

really cool how fast this thread comes back to life when someone reaches out.

 

Scared of seeking help, despite the fact it's the only motherfucking option left. Nothing to blame, no superficial excuses left... I need to get my shit together of keep being a born loser for the years to come, the one and only thing to do is become sober.

 

sobriety is intimidating when you take it in all at once - so much so that it scares a lot of us back to our substance of choice. it happened to me, at least. yeah, it is this enormous and potentially life-changing thing, but it's also pretty simple: just don't pick up a drink/anything else. for the next hour, or the rest of the day. that's all there is to it.

 

i know a lot of alcoholics (myself included) who overthink things until they're big and scary enough to get angry at. i think we do this because it's easy to hate, easy to resent. that is my experience, at least.

 

take the simple view of sobriety - you don't need to drink TODAY. try that for a little while, if you find yourself worse off than before, there may be something else out there for you.

 

I just have so much going on that I can't afford to feel like shit the next day. Do you folks find that you still have this daily desire to drink, and does it ever go away?

 

i still get daily cravings. i've been sober about 2 years.

it may go away, though. when i'm happiest, i have no desire to drink. when i have no desire to drink, i'm not always happy - i may just be craving something else: caffeine, sugar, nicotine, sex, painting.

 

Also you earn money and are able to buy cool shit / yummy food etc. - reward yourself - which is also very motivating.

 

this is very very very true.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

Feeling pretty tempted right now. Have finals next week and all I want to do is fuck around and get wasted. I make these excuses in my head that I can take a night off of studying, and that the drinking will release some stress and make future study sessions more productive... Crazy how those thoughts come to be, because I know they are total bullshit.

 

dude, ive bought this before. i bought 2 4lokos (old recipe) to "keep me awake" on a 14 hour drive once. insanity. i am lucky to be alive, with some of the shit i did.

[breakfast menu]

another thought.

what sleaze said about sewing and deine said about having something to do is so fucking important.

being bored isn't really a luxury you're afforded in recovery. if i'm bored, i do bad things that lead to other bad things.

 

this thought came up because i was outside after that last post. it's a warm + humid night here in dc. and it feels like one of the summer nights i'd walk home from the store with 3 40ozers and a tallboy. the 40 and tallboy were for the walk home. the 2 40's were for the party ... along with whatever liquor was there. i would stash empties in/around my house. every now and then, i will still find them.

 

i can probably come up with a drinking-related memory for nearly every circumstance in my life, currently. i didn't drink that long - maybe 5 years. but for 2-3 of those, drinking controlled my life and was a part of nearly everything.

 

i'm excited for when circumstances will begin to trigger memories that aren't drinking-related.

it's already happening.

when nights feel like camping, or riding my bike. when days feel like hitting a good day spot, or walks with my friends.

not addiction. not worrying about when i can drink again.

 

that's what you have to look forward to once you get your life under control and start to fill it up with stuff that you care about, that you can (bonus!) actually remember. not only do you need to fill your days and nights with things to do - you can, and will, and might even like it.

 

i wouldn't have any of this if i was still going to the store every night.

stay up

[breakfast menu]

just picked up two years here.

time flies.

 

thank you to all of you.

[Deine Mudder]

..attaboy!

 

Thumbs up..

[theprotester]

Sneaking towards four months here. Feeling healthy.

 

Thanks to everyone in this thread.

 

There's a better kind of normal.

[Guest]

I made it to 45 days twice. And then fucked up both times.

 

Been good though.

 

I've really been making a conscious effort to control myself. Haven't been getting drunk during the week. Haven't blacked out in months. Haven't gone bar hopping in months.

 

Still been having drinks here and there with other people, but not getting trashed.

 

I would like to eventually move to sobriety.

[PITOFZOMBIES]

Toiletseat: I'm pretty much beyond hyped that you made that post a page back. I'm not alone when I say that your general posts have always stood out as some of the funniest shit on here. With that said, your scathing irreverence and general inclination toward mockery of pretty much anything, while hilarious, definitely reminded me of how I thought when I was wasted. I just did not give a fuck about anything, and it was quite a release at times, because my true self often cares about things more than I would have liked to much of the time during those days. I think that's one of the main reasons I fell in love with alcohol. Each swig of fluid kept that mask on a little longer, and kept me from thinking about shit that would've otherwise plagued my thoughts. Court dates, girl drama, job shit, graff beef, etc. all drift further out the window as your blood gets thinner. I never made any assumptions about you, but it crossed my mind that you might be like some of the people (myself included) in this particular thread. It's rad to see you take a step away from your 12oz persona and spill some real shit. That's for sure the biggest step when it comes to sobriety and finding it. It's been almost four years for me now, and while I can't remember the details of my first adjustments, I do recall that frustration building as I battled binges and brief stints of sobriety... that whole cycle. Why wouldn't we be mad at whatever it was that lead us to being so fucking miserable and ashamed? Shit sucks, and you start realizing how much it has destroyed, and how little comfort it brings anymore. Admitting that the problem is within us and not blaming some outside factor is humbling as fuck, and as people involved in a culture so soaked with excessive egotism, we often take that newfound humility pretty poorly. The job I lost directly because of my drinking definitely served as the beginning of the end of my drinking career. It was a definitely one of those 'disguised blessings' the idiots talk about, but for real. That was what made me make the leap of blindly moving to a city I had never been to before. Even though I fell back into my drinking once I got here, I was luckily still able to recognize that I hadn't irreparably sullied the clean slate I had set for myself, and so I stepped up to the plate knowing that I was the only one capable of manning the helm, and that to get control of my life back, I needed to change... so I did. Haven't had a drink since. I don't regret the years I spent wasted; I learned a fuckload by surrounding myself with terrible people, and by putting myself in even worse situations. I know more about how shitty people can be than most do, and it has taught me to avoid them, and to cherish the good ones. Don't even waste another second tripping about the "friends" you might lose if you dip out of the partying scene. I alone have said it in this thread more times than I can count: If a friend isn't understanding and supportive of your situation, they're not worth their weight in piss. I've cut people out of my life for far less, and trimming the fat in our social circles is REALLY fucking underrated in general. It's been so much easier to discern those worth having around from those I'd rather keep at distance. Spending time alone in doses when you're first sober can be a good way to sort through your thoughts and gather some clarity anyway, and I'd say embrace the seeming downside of getting sober as a positive, even if it seems shitty at first.

I don't know man. Sometimes I wish I could relive the excitement and general enthusiasm I felt when I first realized I had made the right decision in getting sober. In a way, that first year of relearning how to exist was the best part. You get to fix the flaws you never had a chance to fix. You get to "reinvent" yourself in a way, though not necessarily in the dramatic sense that the phrase brings to mind. It feels fucking good.

As is the case with any of you, lurkers or not, I'm always happy to check and respond to my PM's if you feel like you need a closed-circuit discussion instead of a forum comment, so holler if you feel like it. I haven't been on here much, but i'll try to check in more often. Sorry for any preachy-ness in this essay of mine. I hope it doesn't come across that way. I got nothing but respect for folks who confront shit head on.

I hope you can get where you need to be homie. Sounds like you've got the right idea.

[PITOFZOMBIES]

and of course: Glad to see the rest of y'all doing well. Same ol' shit here. Been a crazy summer thus far.

[xen]

Holy wall of brick text POZ but you are correct in every way. I now have 15 moths of sobriety. My relapses have been for a few days at a time so I haven't bottomed out like the 'for real' one so if those don't count (they do) it's 3 years

 

The new excitement gives way to boredom and that, to me, is when the struggle comes in. After my last little 3 day bender, I decided to start building model train layouts. It has worked so far. Instead of a 12 pack, buy a box car, instead of a fifth, buy a locomotive.

 

Everyone is different but find an alternative that fits you. It is worth it.

[Guest]

How do you guys deal with the irritability?

[PITOFZOMBIES]

How do you guys deal with the irritability?

Are you talking the acute irritability that comes while hungover, or just a general feeling that's difficult to pinpoint the cause of?

 

I still get roadrage like a motherfucker, and I still can be 'snappy' at times. I think that's part of being human in a society that sucks in many ways. I'm so tired of people's carelessness, and that's generally what will cause my anger issues to flare up. Skateboarding helps immensely for me, and I'd assume any exercise would yield a similar result. I've also been dabbling with some of the philosophies behind mindfullness. More specifically, letting shit go that I would otherwise allow to bother me. If I'm quick enough to catch it, I'll just ask myself "Is this worth being upset over? Is being upset over it going to make it any better?" and often times I realize that the only effect of being pissed about something that is out of my control is that I'm pissed, and that often just serves to alienate people. I don't know.

[Guest]

or just a general feeling that's difficult to pinpoint the cause of?

 

 

That one^

 

Went through the same thing when I quit smoking weed. Been more of a dick at work, went to a couple family dinners this week and was grouchy craving a beer while my sis and her dude were drinking.

[Deine Mudder]

How do you guys deal with the irritability?

I masturbate a lot.

[Guest]

When masturbations lost its fun

 

You're fuckin lazyyyyyyy