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Alcoholism


Step8

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i REALLY need to start hitting groups. it's got to be the last option. something about methadone really makes my craving for cocaine uncontrollable. i've "beat" the dope, but this shit has got a hold on me that makes me feel hopeless.

 

oh yeah - it's been quite a while; is it forboden to speak of addictions other than ackahaul in this thread? hope y'all have been on the right path

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beat my dui bruhz!

so happy, my lawyer built such a strong case that they were forced to drop the charges before the trial date.

lessons were definitely learned, expensive ones at that, but whatever.

 

cant guarantee myself or anyone else that i will never have another drink, but i can surely say that i will never get behind the wheel after having even one beer.

 

stay up homies.

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not been reporting in here much, but i've been doing pretty well...

 

still not sticking to my no more than 2 a day rule, but i think cutting right down to that levels gonna have to be a gradual process... i've stopped my early afternoon drinking, only goin' to the pub for a couple at night, and not coming home afterwards to drink a 6 pack i've had in the frigde...

 

through the week has been pretty dry, there's even been times when i've had cans o beer in the frigde and not touched them for a couple o' days.... which is totally fuckin' unheard of for me...

 

had a wee trip doon to london to see pals, and even then, i seriously watched my drinking. just had pints at night and maybe 2 or 3 when i got back to their hoose.

 

i'll certainly do my best to keep it up... and if i don't i'll be back here for a good telling off...

 

I hope everyone else is ok and staying strong.

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Been on a pretty long binge until about three days ago, unemployed for a good while now also. Waking up at five in the afternoon going to bed at eight in the morning the past few days, sweating like a mad man. I'm hoping I will feel a bit better by the tenth when my brother gets married, going to do my best to get some running in as much as I can in the next couple of weeks. I don't ever recall feeling this bad or weak but I will once again start this process over again. Hope everyone is feeling alright, peace fellers.

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nice to see all the new folks in this thread....

 

keep it up people, living the way you (we) have for so long......nothing changes.

 

 

 

starting to train brazilian jiu jitsu, nice to finally feel like doing something good for my body. Since I quit drinking and drugs, I have been eating like shit.

 

Found out someone I look up to caught HIV from slamming H.....seeing him have to deal with all of that has been a good reinforcement that the life out there isn't worth the consequences.

 

stay up.

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thats realy dope TDB congrats. Unfortuantely from my last post even though I was down in the pits, I ended up relapsing. Whats eating me up, was when I was at my low, I got a sponsor and swore to myself I would follow everything he said. I did for the next 3 days, until one morning where I had to wake up early I took a vivanze, which is not prescribed to me. From then, this adderall made me anxious all day making me believe that the only way to get thru this was thru xanax. Every since then I have been taking xanax, kpin's , and yes the vicodin. Lied to my outpatient program, seeing fine due to the vivanze and when it comes night time I because so anxious I have to eat some sort of pill to calm me down.

 

I honestly wish I smoked weed to help me threw all this. At least ween me off from these nonsense drugs but weed is just not my thing. It was in the past but now when i smoke a sweet, I'm blowed/lazy/ and paranoid as fuck, while on vicodin im feeling good and sociable and on xanax all my paranoia is gone, and my worrys from before aren't there.

 

basically im trying to say is i need a helping hand and am ashamed that my dope as sponsor doesn't know im using behind his back. pretty fucked up if you ask me

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Habitual social avoider, @work im a very productive person.

However, when I am alone I drink. I live alone and drink alone. Long time 12oz

Lurker hahahahah anyways. This is momth 2 of drinking ahain. First 1800 tequila reposado, that lasted

5 days. Mornings and evenings. Now its vodka afternoons. I know I drink because I want to avoid the emptiness.

Been single 6 years. Just fucking and paying to fuck. I guess that dont float my boat anymore. The time alone has shownme that people are what make you whole. Bit finding good people to be around is hard. I suck at being good to girlfriend, mostly emotional negligence. So she is off being happy. I just drink and wonder the strets at night being victimized by my own pain and emptiness. Might go out tonight might not. Oontzers, I am a broken being.

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I honestly wish I smoked weed to help me threw all this. At least ween me off from these nonsense drugs but weed is just not my thing. It was in the past but now when i smoke a sweet, I'm blowed/lazy/ and paranoid as fuck, while on vicodin im feeling good and sociable and on xanax all my paranoia is gone, and my worrys from before aren't there.

 

basically im trying to say is i need a helping hand and am ashamed that my dope as sponsor doesn't know im using behind his back. pretty fucked up if you ask me

 

You better read the bottom part of this cause it took me fifteen minutes to find it in this goddamn book I've been skipping around in.

 

Same boat with social skills. In my case I can do fine socially, but I just don't care. Taking those things makes me super interested and intrigued, loving, about anything someone is talking about.

 

I was into smoking for a while as a kid, like, super into it. Then I started drinking and couldn't do both. Now I smoke to prevent myself from drinking too much. The key is smoking just a little little bit. I have a super low tolerance for weed, as I assume you do too, and a blunt is just fucking retarted.

 

My advice, get yourself a one hitter, and an eighth. When you feel like V's or drinking, just take one hit and go find a spot that has no trace of humans in it and chill there for a minute.

 

Edward Abbey, Desert Solitaire:

There are lonely hours. How can I deny it? there are times when solitaire becomes solitary, an entirely different game, a prison term, and hte inside of the skull as confining and unbearable as the intereor of a housetrailer on a hot day.

To escape both, I live more and more in the out-of=doors. ~~~

The housetrailer serves now chiefly as a storage place and kitchen. Although I sometimes cook a t the fireplace outside, it is certainly easier to use the gas stove in the trailer, despite the heat. When the meal is ready I carry it out on to the picnic table under the ramada and eat it there. The refrigerator, too, is a useful machine. ~~~ Raised in the backwoods of the Allegheny Mountains, i remember clearly how we used to chop blocks of ice out of Crooked Creek, haul them up with team and wagon about a mile up the hill to the farmhouse and store them away in sawdust for the summer. Every time I drop a couople of ice cubes now into a tumbler I think with favor all the iron and coal miners, bargemen~~~ and retailers who have combined their labors to provide me with this simple but pleasant convenience, without which the highball or the cuba libre would be a poor thing indeed.

Once the drink is mixed, however, I always go outside, out int he light and the air and the space and the breeze, to enjoy it.

 

~~~~ There is nobody, nobody at all on the other side of the table when i sit down to eat. Alone-ness became loneliness and the sensation was strong enough to remind me that the only thing better than solitude, the only thing, is society.

 

By society I do not mean the roar of the city streets or the cultured an dcultural tlak of the schoolmen or human life ingeral. Just the society of frienda or a good friendly good looking woman.

Strange as it may seem, I found that eating my supper in the open made a difference. Inside the tralier, surrounded by the artifacture of America, I was reminded insistently of all that I had, for a season, left behind; the plywood walls and the udusty venetian blinds an the light bulbs and the smell of butane made me think of Albuquerque. But taking my meal outside by the burning juniper in the fire pit with more desert and mountains than i could explore in a lifetime open to view, I was invited to contemplate a far larger would, one which extends into a past and into a future without any limits known to the human kind. By taking off my shoes and digging my toes in the sand I made contact with that larger world- an exhilerating feeling which leads to equanimity. Certainly I was still by myself so to speak - there were no other people around and there still are none- but in the midst of sucha grand tableau it was impossible to give full and serious consideration to the "city". All that is human melted into the sky and faded out beyond the mountains and I felt, as I feel - is it a paradox? that a man can never find or need better companionship than that of himself.

 

As for the "solitary confinement of the mind," my theory is that solipsism, like other absurdities of the professional philosopher, is a product of too much time wasted in library stacks between the covers of a boook, in smoke-filled coffeehouses, and conversation-clogged seminars. To refute the solipsist or the metaphysical idealist all you ahv to do is take him out and throw a rock at his head; if he ducks he's a liar. His logic may be airtight but his argument, far from revealing the delusions of living experience, only exposes the suffocation of logic.

 

 

""""""

 

Anyway, that shit really stuck home for me. Take from it what you will.

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theprotestor - your probably right, and you even suggesting that he know makes me feel such a guilt that it's unbearable. My sponsor came from nothing, heroin addict, slept behind a dumpster, did whatever drug he could have his hand on. Now he's clean and for god's sake has the ability to help others in need. If he can do it, I DEFINATELY can do it. But I'm not. I have to meet up with him by at least 3:30. ooontz, im scared, scared because I let him down and the other sponsee. Scared because I'm just gonna be another one of those folks on their knee's coming down from withdrawals, asking for help/asking him to be my sponsor, working it for three days, and once I over come the physical aspects, I let my mentality say I'm fine and go back to using in secret.

 

Keepitrails - I did take it from what I will and thank you, it made me change perspective on the nature around me. All this time I believed that society was about human beings, but what you quoted from Edward Abbey I believe, explains that society is the world around us, humans are just a part of it. It's the actual nature thats the real society. Not to sound like an AA freak but one acronym I took from god is the Great.Out.Doors. I tried to make that work for me for a "higher power" but I couldn't. I'm still working on it. There is a whole world out there, and when suffering from drugs/depression, it blinds you from actually seeing the beauty that was there all along. Thank you for those words KIR.

 

unbreakable - best advice is to get outside of your box, whether it be a local event in town, or an AA meeting. Once you tell them your new, yada yada, after the meeting, people WILL come up to you and give you their number and tell you to call them at any time. I know from personal experience. I didn't hit them up because I was flawed into just keeping shit to myself, but you have to step out of your comfortable zone. After a while things will be easier, IF AND ONLY IF, you put the work towards it.

 

Solitary confinement/keeping things in my mind will only corrupt me. I swear. If I don't vocalize it and share it, i'll continue to use.

 

I'm about to meet up with my sponsor, I'm scared as fuck right now

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PillowTalk-

I had trouble with the god/higher power thing during my experiences with AA as well. What i came up with was using AA itself; the meetings, the rooms, the people, etc. were all something bigger than me. Something that'd be there regardless of my presence. They had knowledge I didn't. They offered support. Some of those people will go to great lengths for someone on the cusp of recovery. It didn't have to be some intangible, abstract concept.

 

Either way, embrace that shit. It seems like you're close... give yourself a little credit and rack up some confidence that you can get sober/clean. You'll definitely keep relapsing if you go into detoxing knowing that you'll fall back to your old ways. Don't let yourself begin to rationalize using again. Reflect to the misery and remind yourself that it is exactly where you'll end up if you go that route.

NOT being miserable may be unfamiliar and scary territory itself, but that'll subside after the initial hump. Time speeds back up again... the racing thoughts slow down.

One of the biggest senses of relief in my life is when i think about all the anxiety and writhing-in-angst i went through, and knowing that i don't ever have to feel that way again.

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I went back to old habits recently. went on a 24 hour bender, closed and opened the bar with people. Strangers basically, and ended up finding myself in the company of really shitty/seedy people. One dude was definitely homeless, and banned from most local establishments. Mad weird scenario. The company you keep is important, and the bar scene does not lend itself to that really. While embarrassing, and annoyed at my behaivior, I took time to refresh my body, take a nice walk, and I've been volunteering more, which is the biggest deterrent for me, and puts me around positive people. bad good ups downs, tryna focus on the good as much as I can.

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Doc switched me off of xanax and onto klonopin so that it won't be quite as habit forming, I take it once a day, .5mg, along with an antidepressant.

This combination of medicine, along with the right diet and exercise, have me cut back to only 2-3 12oz (355ml) beers a day, or 2 glasses of wine if that's what I'm drinking. No liquor for me anymore, my liver levels are finally back into normal range for a person my age.

Not sure how many of you have had liver tests done, but apparently my GGT was up over 150 about 6 months ago, and now it is right around 80. Take care of yourselves, it is the number one priority in life.

Take care of life to stay alive, or else just go ahead and fucking die already. I'm choosing life.

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