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Alcoholism


Step8

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Stay strong my man, Red. Have you ended up where you said you were going?

 

I had a bit of a trigger night last night. Local brewery has an annual beer dinner, I'm the only one that's never missed one... bittersweet? I don't know. But the kicker was some arsehole put a placecard for my ex next to my seat - they knew as well, this wasn't an innocent mistake, and she wouldn't be caught dead at a beer dinner.

 

Anyway. I ended up having six regulars (315mL) - which I thought was pretty good. But really I should have halved it.

 

Didn't offend, so... win? Not sure.

 

So much of me wants to be here, but so much of me wants to just do the dingo and fuck off.

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Dick move on the brewery's part. That being said ...

 

In my experience a lot of people fall way, way further before they realize they have a problem. A lot of alcoholics I know were arrested, kicked out of their house, lost their livelihoods, families, or more. Only that made them realize something was messed up. Alcoholics self-enable and chronically deny ... it's a common trait.

 

I'm not saying that you're guilty of either. There was def a time when having six drinks for me was a fun night. I still know a shitload of people for whom six is totally normal.

 

I was scrolling through old pages of this thread just now for inspiration, though, and came across this

 

I drink to remember, then I drink to forget.

 

A little more worrisome. I say that because ... well, i did the same. After everything happened about a month ago all i wanted to do was forget. I'm in my 20s and living with my parents again. Hell yeah i want to forget that too. I found out quickly that drinking becomes unbelievably easy and frequent when all you're after is numbing your life.

 

No preaching just something to consider.

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I'm drinking again, prob more than I should be, but I'm also sleeping more and I've decided to move away from London. Fuck London. Fuck hipsters, trustafarians and landlords who let their fuckbunnies steal my beer. My company's apparently gonna be gone within 12 months so fuck it, time to find something I actually wanna do instead of working in fuckin advertising.

 

These decisions, plus the decision to try and fuck up my landlord's day for at least a month's worth of days are keeping me going.

 

I'm moving somewhere chiller in the meantime; even a fuckin bedsit is a step up, need my OWN space away from people who nick all my shit and I swear someone in the house is just FUCKING with me at this point.

 

It is hilarious that the landlord is obv scared of little old me... won't come near me, just a nod and a hello and a quick exit. Now I'm tiny to his fairly big, so I enjoy this. I think I showed during my meltdown what I will do if people cross me and that sober I am far, far more dangerous when threatened.

 

However, I can hack it until the end of month.

 

Edit to add: Drinking is fine for me when I'm in a good mood and luckily I got people who can keep me there. I've made a list of the triggers that send me insane - mainly being tried, stressed and unhappy are a lethal mix, to the point of blackout rage.

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i haven't been doing too well this week, not badly, just not as well as i'd like, but i've been workin' long days, and i've been trying to move into a new hoose with my girlfriend, and it's been nothing but stressful... all we've done is fight because i'm workin' all day and night, and i'm fuckin' knackered, and she's off doing nothing but seeing to the hoose... which she doesn't think is fair.

 

to make things worse we've just had another massive fall oot the night...

 

i've stuck to my doctors advice when i have been drinking and not having more than my two beers a night and also a few days off in between... but i'm so pissed off i've decided that i'm gonna go to the pub tonight and see my mate...

 

I won't go daft. though... i'll take a twenty oot and hae aboot four at the most, i'm up early fir work tomorrow, and I can't be dealing with a hangover...

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Rolf, don't fuck it up. I have heard people say your last sentence too many times. At the end of the night, they are fucked up. At the next morning, they fucked up their job.

 

 

Stay straight or really cut yourself off to only a few so you do not fuck your situation up.

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New pet peeve: People who think i'm somehow judging them/thinking lower of them by drinking. Fucking sick of it.

 

I went to a bar tonight for the first time since i got sober. Maybe going with only 2 weeks under my belt is kinda adventurous but i was with my brother (which never happens) and also wanted to get out of my comfort zone. It wasn't bad at all, although it got kinda annoying once i became the most noticeably sober person there. We ran into some friends of his and one of 'em got us into the above (^^) situation.

 

I think being there made my brother more uncomfortable than it did I. He checked me a few times and asked if i felt weird or wanted to leave, neither of which were true. Later said "Thanks for letting me hang, i was nervous but you seemed alright. But if you had tried anything I woulda punched you in the mouth."

 

Family.

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Rolf, did you make it to work ok? Update pls

 

redeye - sounds like a good choice dude

 

inj - yeah, it's weird dude, but I find a lot of people only come across people who are sober by choice and some of them are smugger than the average vegan about it (no offence if anyone's vegan!!) - saw a convo the other day on FB where a teetotal street artist acquaintance managed to kick off a huge, cruel argument on another artist's page about drinking. Proper went for it - saying he thought people who ever drank were stupid, it's a retard thing to do etc etc, got super nasty and personal and there was about 20 people fb-screaming at each other. Kinda funny but also very sad. I don't often judge other people's choices until they impact me (obv there's exceptions) and this argument was fucking needless.

 

had 2 beers last night and did a shit-ton of drawing. Back to bless. All housemates out bar one chill aussie and we just hung and it was lovely.

 

Looking at a spacious room in a 3-bed warehouse tonight, excited at the prospect of moving as soon as next week :D

 

Big love and supports to you all <3

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New pet peeve: People who think i'm somehow judging them/thinking lower of them by drinking. Fucking sick of it.

 

I went to a bar tonight for the first time since i got sober. Maybe going with only 2 weeks under my belt is kinda adventurous..."

 

I've noticed people tend to behave a little more modestly around me when they're drunk. I feel bad... it's unnecessary. They seem to become more aware of their actions and level of inebriation, as if they think i'm judging this. Most of these people have no idea how wild shit used to be for me, and that their nonsense pales in comparison to what i used to get into. They weren't around me then. I am honestly happy to see people having a good time, getting a little tipsy... jealous (in a non-spiteful way) more than anything that i can't get down like that anymore. I've gone down a different road, but i still like being around these people, generally.

 

Inj, did you spend much of your drinking 'career' in bars? i didn't, and going into them never posed much of a problem once i stopped drinking. It was sitting in parks and walking around aimlessly that gave me more of an urge to consume alcohol, as those were things i rarely did without drinking. I started getting sodas instead. It has helped curb the urge.

 

Hope y'all are doing well.

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Yeah, it's not like not drinking makes us old or sensitive. I still like to see people and if they're drinking, like you said go for it ... not my thing, but it's not a big deal. I think as my friends get more used to it there'll be less hesitation/caution. For my parents and their friends who are "in the club," (sober 20+ years, the lot of them) there's no hesitation or awkwardness anymore. So someday it'll get less awkward.

 

Bars were not my favorite place to drink. i only went to college bars and those were loud and annoying... I figured out early on that i could have so much more fun, spend less, and get into so much more trouble drinking solo. Hell yeah self destructive tendencies!!

 

What's wild is that I hear that over and over and over again from people of all shapes and sizes. The sheer number of common traits of this shit still surprise me.

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I am going to posit the idea that enduring a bit of awkwardness from drinking friends and family is not too great a burden to bare in the greater scheme of things. When I was drinking and especially when I was using I did not, in general, particularly enjoy the company of sober individuals.

 

Funny the shit people in active addiction are willing to endure like bodily harm, failed relationships, failed careers, legal problems, failing health, and the like and then see what they bitch about when they get sober. Back when I still went to NA meetings I recall a day when a person with 24 hours basically shrugged off the death of a friend and later in the meeting a woman with many years went on a bit of a tear about having to miss her yoga class for one reason or another.

 

But I suppose I can be guilty of the same, the other day I kind of buggered up some data at work and, at the end of a hot and frustrating day I was craving a road soda but instead stopped for a iced tea. They did not have the product I wanted at the 7-11 so I decided to try the Arizona brand Grapeade which was totally sickly sweet and nasty and I ended up feeling more pissed off and stupid than when I started.

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sup naggers.

 

 

lotta good posts going on in here. someone offered me a beer last night, prolly happens 2 or 3 times a year, didn't bother me in the least to say "im good, i don't drink."

 

some female dropped a 12 pack of peroni and broke all but 3 bottles.....no doubt i would have been super pissed about that in the past. not a single fuck was given.

 

keep it up.

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I am going to posit the idea that enduring a bit of awkwardness from drinking friends and family is not too great a burden to bare in the greater scheme of things. When I was drinking and especially when I was using I did not, in general, particularly enjoy the company of sober individuals.

 

Funny the shit people in active addiction are willing to endure like bodily harm, failed relationships, failed careers, legal problems, failing health, and the like and then see what they bitch about when they get sober. Back when I still went to NA meetings I recall a day when a person with 24 hours basically shrugged off the death of a friend and later in the meeting a woman with many years went on a bit of a tear about having to miss her yoga class for one reason or another.

 

But I suppose I can be guilty of the same, the other day I kind of buggered up some data at work and, at the end of a hot and frustrating day I was craving a road soda but instead stopped for a iced tea. They did not have the product I wanted at the 7-11 so I decided to try the Arizona brand Grapeade which was totally sickly sweet and nasty and I ended up feeling more pissed off and stupid than when I started.

 

This is a completely fair point that i would explain in 2 ways:

 

- Complaining is selfish fun. I myself lived miserable for so long that I grew used to it and am still more comfortable in misery than in happiness. More comfortable alone than with people. Complaining fits riiiiiight in there. AA meetings are complaints ~half the time in my experience. It's the nature of the afflicted.

 

- Active addicts can endure what they can because they don't care. It's almost as if once you start to care about yourself or your time a little more, you complain much more.

 

@BZ: Do tell more, if you're up for it. PM works too.

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Rolf, don't fuck it up. I have heard people say your last sentence too many times. At the end of the night, they are fucked up. At the next morning, they fucked up their job.

 

 

Stay straight or really cut yourself off to only a few so you do not fuck your situation up.

 

I wasn't bad actually... had maybe two more than i said i would, purely because a squad o friends came in... and i was home for eleven, and up for work the next day. but i took on far far too much last week and thought that i'd manage no bother at all... which wasn't the case...

 

i probably could have done better if i'm honest this weekend... but it wasn't anything like previous ones... i'm still making the effort to seriously cut down...

 

i'll really make sure i don't have any mid-week this week, but i'm off to london next week to see some ald chums, i doubt it'll be a constant piss up, but it's my only holiday this year, and i'm gonna want to relax with a beer at some point...

 

hope eveyone's well

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bump this shit.

 

had one of those moments today...standing in the aisle at the store looking to get something to drink, I saw all of the beers.

 

I was initially thinking.....I bet that would be fun.

 

Then, damn I wonder what would happen if I had one....I would get fucked up easily, it's been 6 years.

 

Finally, shit.....chances are if I drink one I am going to go on a spree. Not worth it.

 

Grabs a juice.

 

Crazy that after nearly 6 years it still will creep on you.

 

Hope all you scumbags are keeping it cool.

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Been having a lot of those recently ralphy. Getting complacent, restless. You're not alone.

 

thread rant:

 

I'm back in ohio for another 24hrs just to finish moving my stuff out, since i'm leaving my apartment for good. It's insane to come back here .. i never thought that an entire city could be a trigger. It's not just alcohol, either; it's a trigger for old anxieties, bad memories, shame, loneliness, nightmares ... a long chapter of my life that I'm hoping to finally close & seal with sobriety, responsibility, self-acceptance and other grown/boring shit.

 

Cleaning up, I just keep finding empty beers, pay stubs from the old job, corner store receipts, memoirs from the ex, court receipts/records, and other shredded remnants of the way i used to live. Came so fucking close to drinking the 6 beers left in the fridge tonight, too close. Took a deep breath and called some people. Then, cracked all six, and poured them down the drain. I'm thankful every day for the people who've happened into my life who I can lean on in times like this. Don't underestimate these people. Phone calls saved my sobriety tonight.

 

/rant

 

Thanks, by the way, to all of you who reached out to me. It's cool that a group of people i've never met/seen care as much as some of you all do. So, thank you. Things are overall getting better.

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