Alcoholism

[unbreakable]

Habitual social avoider, @work im a very productive person.

However, when I am alone I drink. I live alone and drink alone. Long time 12oz

Lurker hahahahah anyways. This is momth 2 of drinking ahain. First 1800 tequila reposado, that lasted

5 days. Mornings and evenings. Now its vodka afternoons. I know I drink because I want to avoid the emptiness.

Been single 6 years. Just fucking and paying to fuck. I guess that dont float my boat anymore. The time alone has shownme that people are what make you whole. Bit finding good people to be around is hard. I suck at being good to girlfriend, mostly emotional negligence. So she is off being happy. I just drink and wonder the strets at night being victimized by my own pain and emptiness. Might go out tonight might not. Oontzers, I am a broken being.

[Keepitrail]

I honestly wish I smoked weed to help me threw all this. At least ween me off from these nonsense drugs but weed is just not my thing. It was in the past but now when i smoke a sweet, I'm blowed/lazy/ and paranoid as fuck, while on vicodin im feeling good and sociable and on xanax all my paranoia is gone, and my worrys from before aren't there.

 

basically im trying to say is i need a helping hand and am ashamed that my dope as sponsor doesn't know im using behind his back. pretty fucked up if you ask me

 

You better read the bottom part of this cause it took me fifteen minutes to find it in this goddamn book I've been skipping around in.

 

Same boat with social skills. In my case I can do fine socially, but I just don't care. Taking those things makes me super interested and intrigued, loving, about anything someone is talking about.

 

I was into smoking for a while as a kid, like, super into it. Then I started drinking and couldn't do both. Now I smoke to prevent myself from drinking too much. The key is smoking just a little little bit. I have a super low tolerance for weed, as I assume you do too, and a blunt is just fucking retarted.

 

My advice, get yourself a one hitter, and an eighth. When you feel like V's or drinking, just take one hit and go find a spot that has no trace of humans in it and chill there for a minute.

 

Edward Abbey, Desert Solitaire:

There are lonely hours. How can I deny it? there are times when solitaire becomes solitary, an entirely different game, a prison term, and hte inside of the skull as confining and unbearable as the intereor of a housetrailer on a hot day.

To escape both, I live more and more in the out-of=doors. ~~~

The housetrailer serves now chiefly as a storage place and kitchen. Although I sometimes cook a t the fireplace outside, it is certainly easier to use the gas stove in the trailer, despite the heat. When the meal is ready I carry it out on to the picnic table under the ramada and eat it there. The refrigerator, too, is a useful machine. ~~~ Raised in the backwoods of the Allegheny Mountains, i remember clearly how we used to chop blocks of ice out of Crooked Creek, haul them up with team and wagon about a mile up the hill to the farmhouse and store them away in sawdust for the summer. Every time I drop a couople of ice cubes now into a tumbler I think with favor all the iron and coal miners, bargemen~~~ and retailers who have combined their labors to provide me with this simple but pleasant convenience, without which the highball or the cuba libre would be a poor thing indeed.

Once the drink is mixed, however, I always go outside, out int he light and the air and the space and the breeze, to enjoy it.

 

~~~~ There is nobody, nobody at all on the other side of the table when i sit down to eat. Alone-ness became loneliness and the sensation was strong enough to remind me that the only thing better than solitude, the only thing, is society.

 

By society I do not mean the roar of the city streets or the cultured an dcultural tlak of the schoolmen or human life ingeral. Just the society of frienda or a good friendly good looking woman.

Strange as it may seem, I found that eating my supper in the open made a difference. Inside the tralier, surrounded by the artifacture of America, I was reminded insistently of all that I had, for a season, left behind; the plywood walls and the udusty venetian blinds an the light bulbs and the smell of butane made me think of Albuquerque. But taking my meal outside by the burning juniper in the fire pit with more desert and mountains than i could explore in a lifetime open to view, I was invited to contemplate a far larger would, one which extends into a past and into a future without any limits known to the human kind. By taking off my shoes and digging my toes in the sand I made contact with that larger world- an exhilerating feeling which leads to equanimity. Certainly I was still by myself so to speak - there were no other people around and there still are none- but in the midst of sucha grand tableau it was impossible to give full and serious consideration to the "city". All that is human melted into the sky and faded out beyond the mountains and I felt, as I feel - is it a paradox? that a man can never find or need better companionship than that of himself.

 

As for the "solitary confinement of the mind," my theory is that solipsism, like other absurdities of the professional philosopher, is a product of too much time wasted in library stacks between the covers of a boook, in smoke-filled coffeehouses, and conversation-clogged seminars. To refute the solipsist or the metaphysical idealist all you ahv to do is take him out and throw a rock at his head; if he ducks he's a liar. His logic may be airtight but his argument, far from revealing the delusions of living experience, only exposes the suffocation of logic.

 

 

""""""

 

Anyway, that shit really stuck home for me. Take from it what you will.

[PillowTalk]

theprotestor - your probably right, and you even suggesting that he know makes me feel such a guilt that it's unbearable. My sponsor came from nothing, heroin addict, slept behind a dumpster, did whatever drug he could have his hand on. Now he's clean and for god's sake has the ability to help others in need. If he can do it, I DEFINATELY can do it. But I'm not. I have to meet up with him by at least 3:30. ooontz, im scared, scared because I let him down and the other sponsee. Scared because I'm just gonna be another one of those folks on their knee's coming down from withdrawals, asking for help/asking him to be my sponsor, working it for three days, and once I over come the physical aspects, I let my mentality say I'm fine and go back to using in secret.

 

Keepitrails - I did take it from what I will and thank you, it made me change perspective on the nature around me. All this time I believed that society was about human beings, but what you quoted from Edward Abbey I believe, explains that society is the world around us, humans are just a part of it. It's the actual nature thats the real society. Not to sound like an AA freak but one acronym I took from god is the Great.Out.Doors. I tried to make that work for me for a "higher power" but I couldn't. I'm still working on it. There is a whole world out there, and when suffering from drugs/depression, it blinds you from actually seeing the beauty that was there all along. Thank you for those words KIR.

 

unbreakable - best advice is to get outside of your box, whether it be a local event in town, or an AA meeting. Once you tell them your new, yada yada, after the meeting, people WILL come up to you and give you their number and tell you to call them at any time. I know from personal experience. I didn't hit them up because I was flawed into just keeping shit to myself, but you have to step out of your comfortable zone. After a while things will be easier, IF AND ONLY IF, you put the work towards it.

 

Solitary confinement/keeping things in my mind will only corrupt me. I swear. If I don't vocalize it and share it, i'll continue to use.

 

I'm about to meet up with my sponsor, I'm scared as fuck right now

[theprotester]

Let us know how you go mate. You'll be fine. At least you're feeling something.

[PITOFZOMBIES]

PillowTalk-

I had trouble with the god/higher power thing during my experiences with AA as well. What i came up with was using AA itself; the meetings, the rooms, the people, etc. were all something bigger than me. Something that'd be there regardless of my presence. They had knowledge I didn't. They offered support. Some of those people will go to great lengths for someone on the cusp of recovery. It didn't have to be some intangible, abstract concept.

 

Either way, embrace that shit. It seems like you're close... give yourself a little credit and rack up some confidence that you can get sober/clean. You'll definitely keep relapsing if you go into detoxing knowing that you'll fall back to your old ways. Don't let yourself begin to rationalize using again. Reflect to the misery and remind yourself that it is exactly where you'll end up if you go that route.

NOT being miserable may be unfamiliar and scary territory itself, but that'll subside after the initial hump. Time speeds back up again... the racing thoughts slow down.

One of the biggest senses of relief in my life is when i think about all the anxiety and writhing-in-angst i went through, and knowing that i don't ever have to feel that way again.

[Sleazeside Heights]

I went back to old habits recently. went on a 24 hour bender, closed and opened the bar with people. Strangers basically, and ended up finding myself in the company of really shitty/seedy people. One dude was definitely homeless, and banned from most local establishments. Mad weird scenario. The company you keep is important, and the bar scene does not lend itself to that really. While embarrassing, and annoyed at my behaivior, I took time to refresh my body, take a nice walk, and I've been volunteering more, which is the biggest deterrent for me, and puts me around positive people. bad good ups downs, tryna focus on the good as much as I can.

[SPORTO]

[fat ralphy]

checking in...

[injury]

here here

these defects of character are some shit

[redeyedanimal]

Doc switched me off of xanax and onto klonopin so that it won't be quite as habit forming, I take it once a day, .5mg, along with an antidepressant.

This combination of medicine, along with the right diet and exercise, have me cut back to only 2-3 12oz (355ml) beers a day, or 2 glasses of wine if that's what I'm drinking. No liquor for me anymore, my liver levels are finally back into normal range for a person my age.

Not sure how many of you have had liver tests done, but apparently my GGT was up over 150 about 6 months ago, and now it is right around 80. Take care of yourselves, it is the number one priority in life.

Take care of life to stay alive, or else just go ahead and fucking die already. I'm choosing life.

[Shittles..TasteTheAsshole]

[brothhalynch]

drink until my bladder rips or untill my rival gets his best wish

[redeyedanimal]

disappointment is still one of my biggest triggers, probably always will be.

Expectations that are unmet, or a sharp change in reality always sends me out on another bender.

I bet these meds will get me way more fucked up than usual, so I'm takin it easy, but definitely drinking at some anger tonight.

[mackfatsoe]

^im sure you know since you were taking xanax but drinking on the klonopin is a really good way to black the fuck out.

 

been drinking way too much, but havent touched anything heavier in a couple months. so progress?

[Sleazeside Heights]

So I was drinking with a friend, more than we should have been. He was such a mess and that basically ruined my living situation. I was responsible for him though, so his consequences became mine. So basically the chain of events have caused me to jump into a really terrible disgusting turdhole of an apartment. It's depressing, and I almost certainly cannot take a lady there. But it's just me now, and the reality of the situation can be quite a motivator. I want to move up, not down. I do not want to be there, so I'm going to have to take steps to do right in my life. Haven't had a drink in 3 days, and am not interested in doing so now. Reading, skating, biking, and trying to better myself. I have some great friends, and even though my place sucks, I'm not homeless. I just have to be careful because of the high crime rate, and hope I don't get raped. Wish me luck and clairvoyance.

[redeyedanimal]

Last night I said I was gonna drink my anger away and after the first two beers, I was disappointed in myself enough to not have the third beer.

I realized that hurting myself more doesn't make the problem go away, forgetting about the problem doesn't make it go away, so why not spend time trying to solve the problem rather than acting like it doesn't exist.

Progress.

[injury]

Not running from problems/numbing them has been the single greatest improvement in my life so far.

 

Keep your head up sleaze.

[ThatDrawingBitch]

Co-sign for Inj's comment.

 

I definitely run into problems when i rage/sad drink, happy drinking seems to be ok tho.

 

Doing ok, managing to fight most urges, slipping here and there but I know the amount I need to get done the next few weeks should keep me straight and narrow.

 

Stay up guys, love.

[Sleazeside Heights]

thanks dudes, it's been 6 days. pushing forward, albeit slowly.

 

note to self: don't look at pics of ex. No matter how beautiful she is, it just bums you out and makes you want to sit at the smoky dive bar and listen to sad country songs, and that's not cool.

 

So I'm going to try and stop buying packs of my harsh american spirits, and try the e-cig out.

been a few days with out a bogey, but I'm not craving bad.

[ThatDrawingBitch]

Good thinking Sleaze, good luck :)

[Sleazeside Heights]

Thanks, same to you. Wish I wasn't so clumsy about spilling my somewhat sporadic stream of consciousnes/trifflin drama in this thread, which is easy to do since it feels safe. I wish I wasn't so easily affected by life sometimes, but it's the thinker in me. All the people I really care about are also deep thinkers as well. Always on the quest for something more and meaningful in life, and guess I turn to booze when I can't find it or real life bores me. Many of those friends do the same. Finding replacement activities. I have no internet, and a p.o.s. computer, but I've been flicking like a motherfucker, and will share when I get myself a new machine. Something that gives me pure sober joy. That and Dogs, God's masterpieces. Anyway, I'll stop before I start rambling, yet again. stay up everyone.

[ThatDrawingBitch]

Flicks and dogs are cool. Pure sober joy is one of the best things to find - I'm drinking a lot less and drawing a lot more atm, good balance :)

 

Hope you're all good everyone. #stayup

[TAXMAN79]

Doc switched me off of xanax and onto klonopin so that it won't be quite as habit forming, I take it once a day, .5mg, along with an antidepressant.

This combination of medicine, along with the right diet and exercise, have me cut back to only 2-3 12oz (355ml) beers a day, or 2 glasses of wine if that's what I'm drinking. No liquor for me anymore, my liver levels are finally back into normal range for a person my age.

Not sure how many of you have had liver tests done, but apparently my GGT was up over 150 about 6 months ago, and now it is right around 80. Take care of yourselves, it is the number one priority in life.

Take care of life to stay alive, or else just go ahead and fucking die already. I'm choosing life.

 

I Mean no offense by this but, I don't understand the anti depressant/Xanax combo. DO you legitimately need them or is it to compensate for the lack of alcohol? My best friend is goin down fast. He just got off 2 years probation for booze related offenses and he didn't have a drop for the whole time (kind of). He got a Dr to give him Xanax and an anti depressant. I have known him 30 years. he does not need them, especially at the doses he got. .5mg 3 times a day and then a full mg for whenever he needs extra plus the antiD. He flat out told me this was to compensate while he was on probation. he went off probation and now he is crushing a 30 rack a day plus at least 4.5 mgs of Xanax as well as antidepressants. he cant remember a conversation he had 20 minutes ago slurs to the point you cant understand him, no job, no money, no car/licence, no place to live in 60 days. I'm pushing him to go into a program but IDK if it is gonna happen. Do I need to let him completely fail or what can I do?

 

I went to his house yesterday after work and he was passed out with the front door open. I stole all his beer. I think he stole his mom's car to get more.

 

I see my uncle in him. I watched him drink himself to death. it almost destroyed my mom.

[redeyedanimal]

Sorry for your best friend, he is certainly not taking these medicines as prescribed or acting responsibly, and this is a form of behavior that has obviously followed him for quite some time.

 

I am not that guy. These medicines are not a response to reducing alcohol, but they are curbing my desire to drink as a side effect.

 

Currently in a job that is ok I guess but i'm not learning anything, my wife just started her doctorate degree, we are closing on our new house in less than a week, and I am handling all of this in stride.

[ThatDrawingBitch]

Go red!

 

Tax, is there anyone you can contact to help your friend? Better to do that than watch him and his family subsequently go down a dark path.

 

As always, good vibes to all thread.

[TAXMAN79]

Thank you for your responses i appreciate them. Red, it sounds like you are doing good, thats great stay strong.

HIs mom is now living with his sister. His sister is married very well paid with kids and a good husband who is a successful entrepreneur. They are very stable but 3 states away. His dad passed 5 months ago and that along with getting of probe set him up for this. He is in the family house by himself which has sold, until Oct when ownership is transferred. My goal is get him in a program then up to NH with his fam for a while. We are giving him until the end of the month to get a job. If not we are getting his sister and about 5 of us (my wedding party) to give him an ultimatum.

[Sleazeside Heights]

Tax, that's rough. Tough spot to be in, but a real friend will tell someone they are concerned, and do what they can do to help them out. If you see him falling, you can reach out and lend a hand. You could save a bad situation from getting worse, or stand by and let it go. Not everyone takes criticism easily, or wants to be helped. But you know him, and know how to deal best.

Hope whatever happens goes smoothly.

 

 

So I'm quitting smoking. Haven't had one since saturday, and don't plan to buy a pack. That's when it gets ya back. I feel like now's the time. Haven't drank in a week, and that makes not smoking much easier. The two go hand in hand. Been feeling good so far!

[redeyedanimal]

Blood pressure and liver values are back to normal, everything on the blood tests are at the best levels they have been in almost a decade.

 

Take care of yourselves, whatever it takes.

[ThatDrawingBitch]

Nice redeye, glad to hear it.

 

Tax, good luck and keep us updated :)

[SMdoubleXL]

good shit redeye.

hopefully it motivates some.

 

hows everyone doing?

 

i have gotten to know someone who has hit 108 days clean.

we have def helped eachother.

it has been very trying- that is no shit.

i commend anyone fighting it or even coming to the decision to attempt to get clean.

 

keep your intentions solid and do it for yourself

 

love you guys.