ugene Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 recovering alcoholic drug addict. im addicted to oxy and xanax, june 5th i should have died, i drove my car into a guard rail going 70. got a dwi and am now on probation for a year and have a suspended license as well. i am just thankful i didnt kill anybody/hurt anyone. id be fine if i was dead but idk how i would deal with killing someone else. i had been sober since june 6th but relapsed the other day, pretty much the situation im in right now if i piss dirty i go a long time in county so it just really isnt worth it. idk i just felt like rambling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysOverDoinn Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 Oxy and xanax is a straight up recipe for disaster...add alcohol to that and you're just asking for trouble. I get that people have their vices, but getting behind the wheel of a car when you cant see/stand straight is never acceptable or excusable. You got lucky that no one got hurt. Use that as a reminder of what could've happened to stop that stuff homie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleazeside Heights Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Went a week sober, gave in with a bottle of wine today. It's almost gone and I want more. Depression leads to alcohol, and alcohol leads to depression. it's a losing battle and I'm not strong enough to fight myself. I need a job, and a girlfriend. Honestly, without the both of those driving me towards a greater good, and wanting to do better, I have nothing to work for. I need something to make sobriety worth something. I'm happy I made it a week, but at the same time it doesn't feel like it accomplished anything, cause I'm in the same place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fat ralphy Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 unless you are really bottomed out (nh) it takes a little more then a week to see the reason why sobriety is the way to go. in my circumstances I was miserable enough that I welcomed the change and even noticed physical improvement in the first few weeks. i got a bunch of friends that swear off drinking, last a few weeks and then go back.....it just may take something that really puts the willingness into you. from people i know/myself etc....you never really sober up for other things, jobs, girlfriends, family etc. 10 times out of 10 you get sober because you realize for what ever reason (court, accidents, fights, depression etc) that alcohol isnt working for you. if your an alchy then you are never going to change how you drink, you may modify it a little, but it will almost always get back to where it was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swif1 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Depression leads to alcohol, and alcohol leads to depression. The plan was to drink until the pain over, but what's worse? The pain or the hangover? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0Xai7ffhvM&feature=player_detailpage#t=103s Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleazeside Heights Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 You're right. It is ultimately up to me. But I need motivation. I can't get there by myself. I can only sit in this room for so long without being restless. With no prospects on the horizon, it seems it doesn't matter if I get drunk or not, and i look for the temporary satisfaction the feeling gives me. Even a week sober, while somewhat empowering, doesn't change the fact I'm a loser who 'aint got shit on his plate. If I had somewhere to direct that, it would not solve my alcoholism, but greatly change my priorities I think. I couldn't drink like I did when I had a 9-5, it really helped keep me away. I think I need something that feels better than the feeling alcohol gives me. know what i'm saying? But I hear you too, at the end of the day all you have is yourself, and you gotta do what's right. I need a boost to get there though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swif1 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Why don't you have a job anymore? Find a new hobby maybe? I wasn't really interested in following any type of sport until last fall. Of all things, F1 racing. Shit is fucking bad ass. This isn't the reason why I stopped drinking, but it helps pass the time if I am not in the mood to catch up on current events. Read the newspaper. Read a book. Watch K-drama. Start breakdancing! Do something! Why are you sitting at home wasting the day away? Here's a blog if you're into cars: http://badcopnodonuts.com/ Annnnnd here's a recent entry for you think about: Pretty cool, huh? Now right-click on that image>Save Image As>Read the image name Report back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleazeside Heights Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 My contract expired, and I wasn't hired on full-time. Left me pretty bitter to say the least. I flick graff and try to exercise to pass the time. I have just been trying to get out of the house every day. Workin' on a zine here and there. few hobbies, but not enough to fill my needs. that image is what's up. I'll keep that in mind tomorrow. See what I can do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleazeside Heights Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 and skateboarding. I need to skateboard at least 3 days of the week. maybe try and get ill on vert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUSO Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Why don't you have a job anymore? Find a new hobby maybe? I wasn't really interested in following any type of sport until last fall. Of all things, F1 racing. Shit is fucking bad ass. This isn't the reason why I stopped drinking, but it helps pass the time if I am not in the mood to catch up on current events. Read the newspaper. Read a book. Watch K-drama. Start breakdancing! Do something! Why are you sitting at home wasting the day away? Here's a blog if you're into cars: http://badcopnodonuts.com/ Annnnnd here's a recent entry for you think about: Pretty cool, huh? Now right-click on that image>Save Image As>Read the image name Report back. Bit off topic but......Speaking of F1 I saw this last night Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swif1 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 and skateboarding. I need to skateboard at least 3 days of the week. maybe try and get ill on vert. Bit off topic but......Speaking of F1 I saw this last night Yeah, it's a really good documentary. I posted that up in the documentary thread, but I take it no one is really interested in anything involving motorsports here. I haven't seen the theatrical version, but I want to. I have the uncut version that's almost three hours (I think an extra 20-30 minutes longer than the theatrical version). His nephew just placed 9th yesterday at Monza. Not bad for his second race for 2011 (with a better team than last year). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shai Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Had fun drinking this weekend but I'm definitely paying for it today. I think hangovers are going to be the eventual deal breaker for me...and compared to what I used to get up to I really didn't go overboard (six pack on Saturday, about that and a couple shots yesterday). As I may have mentioned earlier I'm going through some mental stuff (I was recently diagnosed with moderate anxiety with generalized depression) that makes partying kind of a gamble. I got lucky this weekend- I had fun, nothing bad happened- but then I have to feel like hell for at least a day and a half after the fact and I'm not sure it's worth it. Meetings aren't my thing, I'm too hard-headed for that....plus I've learned from experience that sitting in a room and hearing war stories and quasi-spiritual mumbo jumbo puts me in a drinking mood. Not knocking it if it works for anyone here, it's always my personal take on AA/NA. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LUGR Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 ^Just don't start drinking to cure that hangover. That's a bad path to go down. called people and told them im smarter than them. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shai Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 ^Just don't start drinking to cure that hangover. That's a bad path to go down. I'm considering doing just that but not till it gets dark. BTW, you back in town yet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleazeside Heights Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Swif, here's the report. Great day. woke up at 7am instead of the usual 3pm, got coffee and went on a job hunt. Handed in a few applications that look promising. ate lunch outside. flicked graffiteez, talked to strangers, etc. Felt productive. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ugene Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 sleazeside do you ever go to aa/na meetings? im sure we all have the same problem where we think we are worthless because we go out and use, but dude just think of it this way you are trying to make an effort to change, you arent living on the streets waiting outside the valero to get your Milwaukees best ya know?well at least to my knowledge you arent. just talking to people helps tremendously for me even if its some random person i dont normally talk to, everybody has their own perspective own subjects and i think that just opening up and letting people know what is going on in your life can help tremendously rather than isolating yourself from your problems and resorting to relapse. just my two cents if you ever need anyone to talk to or just share whats going on in your life good or bad pm me man. anything helps! edit: im pretty bad about the whole aa meeting sponsor thing, but man you gotta do that shit or the sobriety will never be there unless you just white knuckle it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swif1 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Swif, here's the report. Great day. woke up at 7am instead of the usual 3pm, got coffee and went on a job hunt. Handed in a few applications that look promising. ate lunch outside. flicked graffiteez, talked to strangers, etc. Felt productive. My nigga! I hope you land an interview! I don't know what places you applied to, but if you want any tips or have any questions, feel free to PM me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fat ralphy Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 My contract expired, and I wasn't hired on full-time. Left me pretty bitter to say the least.. this same thing happened to me exactly one year ago, after 3 years of making 75k in the last year i had a shit 10$ an hour job, upgraded to 16$ an hour cutting grass and just today finished paperwork for a new part time gig as an administrative assistant. if I was drinking I know that wouldnt have worked out in the same way. it sucks man, but only if you focus on that. good luck homey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fat ralphy Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Meetings aren't my thing, I'm too hard-headed for that....plus I've learned from experience that sitting in a room and hearing war stories and quasi-spiritual mumbo jumbo puts me in a drinking mood. Not knocking it if it works for anyone here, it's always my personal take on AA/NA. I felt like this too...... At most meetings I felt like an outsider. Then I found young peoples meetings...those were better. Honestly I did it pretty much on my own until I actually got a sponsor and worked the steps. Most of it is about releasing yourself from resentments and guilt and then becoming a productive person. The God thing is a part of it, but it is left to personal interpretation w/ no right or wrong. Where is NBB, this is where he comes in and the AA 12step cult argument begins. There is more to going to AA then just meetings, that is what most people dont get...not saying this in your direction Shai, as I know you been around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LUGR Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Talked to my mom last night, (who has just recently come out as an alcoholic) she has started the 12 steps and is really skeptical about the finding a "higher being" part. She was on her way to a woman's bible discussion group and was not psyched at the idea at all. But she went anyways to show the people that love her that she is making an effort. I felt like such a piece of shit talking to her on the phone about that while I was sitting there drinking a beer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fat ralphy Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 ^^^^hopefully no one is shoving the bible down your moms throat claiming its part of AA....its not the whole higher power thing, if viewed in the true AA view, is that it doesn't have to be Jesus or any religious deity for that matter... there are a lot of people who make their higher power the "group" of AA....or mother nature, or their dead grandma or whatever. the only importance is that it is a power greater then yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newer Bigger Better Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 except in the original book it literally said it was "GOD"... Not any of that other shit they claim it CAN be. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fat ralphy Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 still God does not necessarly mean jesus or christianity is my point and propd for being on cue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newer Bigger Better Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Except it was specifically MEANT to be the Christian concept of god. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LUGR Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 ^^^^hopefully no one is shoving the bible down your moms throat claiming its part of AA....its not the whole higher power thing, if viewed in the true AA view, is that it doesn't have to be Jesus or any religious deity for that matter... there are a lot of people who make their higher power the "group" of AA....or mother nature, or their dead grandma or whatever. the only importance is that it is a power greater then yourself. Yeah, nobody is. She made a deal that she would be open to go to it once and if she didn't like it she would not have to go back. I think it is mainly to get her out of the house and around people. The crazy thing is she has never had an obvious problem drinking. I mean she likes to drink but not to the point you would think she was an alcoholic. Out of nowhere she has developed some sort of allergy to alcohol and when she drinks it wrecks her system to the point she has been hospitalized a handful of times over the last few months. So now she has to stop and that is not an easy transition to suddenly make. She had been drinking "moonshine" over the past year or so and I wonder if that stuff has damaged her body to the point that it cannot even process a few glasses of wine without needing to go to the hospital. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fat ralphy Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 "We have no desire to convince anyone that there is only one way by which faith can be acquired. If what we have learned and felt and seen means anything at all, it means that all of us, whatever our race, creed or color are the children of a living Creator with whom we may form a relationship upon simple and understandable terms, as soon as we are willing and honest enough to try. contd.. We think it no concern of ours what relegious bodies our members identify themselves with as individuals. This should be an entirely personal affair which each one decides for himself in the light of past associations, or his present choice. Not all of us join relegious groups, but most of us favor such memberships. There is a chapter directed to the Agnostic also, for those who dont believe in God or religion Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shai Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 I felt like this too...... At most meetings I felt like an outsider. Then I found young peoples meetings...those were better. Honestly I did it pretty much on my own until I actually got a sponsor and worked the steps. Most of it is about releasing yourself from resentments and guilt and then becoming a productive person. The God thing is a part of it, but it is left to personal interpretation w/ no right or wrong. Where is NBB, this is where he comes in and the AA 12step cult argument begins. There is more to going to AA then just meetings, that is what most people dont get...not saying this in your direction Shai, as I know you been around. I just don't like certain aspects of it. I don't think it's a cult per se but it is a little reminiscent of deprogramming in the sense that it replaces learned social constructs with other learned social constructs with the carrot and stick approach (the whole "you have to stick to the program for it to work" thing). The anxiety/depression thing is what's really getting to me and that's been the main reason I'm taking it easy on the booze. Unfortunately it seems to be raising hell with certain aspects of my physical health, so I don't have as much energy these days because I can't seem to get a decent night's sleep. I'm also trying to steer clear of drugs, so that's a whole other thing. It's funny...basically I'm reprogramming myself in a way but it's taking a lot longer than I'd like it to. Part of that is that I've been talking to some other sober punks I know. I don't know how much it's helping but it's good to hear where other people are at and get some validation about what I'm feeling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shai Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 From what I remember from reading the big books, God IS specifically mentioned- a lot- but depending on what meeting you land at the interpretation definitely varies. It's weird how some people will attribute their recovery to some intangible factor instead of taking credit for facing their issues head on and dealing with them effectively, but that's me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fat ralphy Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 i feel like they use a higher power, god, whatever....to help people to learn to give up things that are beyond their control. like i lost my job for example....."well give it over to your higher power." translation; "that is out of your hands, so instead of worrying about it....let it go." it is open to interpretation, that is why there are so many varying opinions on it. out of all of the 12 steps, the thing that has helped me the most without a doubt is the 4th step: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." This helped me to get rid of a bunch of guilt/"im a piece of shit" type attitudes that I had been plagued by. Also I had hella resentments that I worked out... Secondly, the 9th step: "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." Making up for the damage I have done to people has helped me so much, I actually don't feel like a low life anymore. The program works for some people, others it doesn't. It is a bit cultish, no doubt.....it does ask you to find a "faith in higher power". But it is nothing to be afraid of, it is what you make it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
forsit Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 except in the original book it literally said it was "GOD"... Not any of that other shit they claim it CAN be. Yeah written how long ago? They've made modifications to said book. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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