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Alcoholism


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On 11/11/2020 at 6:49 PM, the.crooked said:


I think I should qualify this as I have issues with the way that words like "alcoholism" or other such behavioral syndroms/diseases are characterized. 

I think this ties into how I feel about consumption of anything in general. It's hard to find anyone who can make a solid cogent argument to me other than "you have to want that." Which I respect as a baseline. I just don't think that even if I wanted to tone down whatever I choose to do in my life, any common structure of support would do anything for me. 

 

i wanted to make this a good post because you made some points that are worth talking about! i'm going in reverse order, dealers choice. 

 

this is on the money and ties back to us really just not understanding alcoholism, addiction, or how they intersect with mental health issues at all. we don't have a cure for alcoholism; we have a support group that has a 5%-15% long-term success rate (depends what study you read) at stopping people from continuing to drink. the craving is still there. 

 

On 11/11/2020 at 6:45 PM, the.crooked said:


Do any of y'all find being intelligent a blocker to the capacity to tone things down?

 

i would say... sort of? there are a lot of parts of AA that are just rote repetition of things to get simpler people to stop drinking and those always chafed. And i couldn't care less about a god and i certainly wish i could get back the time in my life spent reading "we agnostics" when that was assigned to me—so much condescension in so few pages! 

 

but there are parts of it that were helpful to me, so i kinda picked and chose and continue to. the higher power thing i interpret as being about de-centering myself from my recovery and my day to day life; actively and intentionally trying to live my life to make others' better (even as i occasionally troll on this website) and be present in peoples lives which sounds corny but it is really a thing i try to do now. that helps me not drink and feel better, more broadly, about existing on this dying planet. 

 

more on that: i am somewhat up to speed on a number of current topics and certainly could argue myself into believing that none of life is particularly worthwhile and you might as well burnout and die asap and enjoy drinking while you do, because the world isn't getting better, i am not important, and i won't have kids to watch starve as the planet boils. but aa helped me see how selfish and myopic and lonely and painful (!) that is, too.

 

i think i drank in part to turn my brain off. it's not that i was particularly smart, but it was always going—i was always thinking about something, often myself, and that's tiring! it gets old. i needed something to do with my hands at all times, too, which was graffiti as a kid and then became drinking and is now split between graffiti and a phone and a cup of coffee and sometimes fixing something simple like my bike. i need to be occupied; that probably intersects with being an alcoholic but again, we don't really understand. i needed a way to numb and stall my body and boy alcohol does that. very effectively. it also makes some things more fun. so really it was perfect for me. 

 

aa is a simple program and people are complicated, largely. i was told early on that if you cannot control and enjoy your drinking, you should be in aa. i agree with that and still am and try not to let myself outthink that simple, effective bar. 

 

by all means—if you can control your drinking and do not do harm to people and do not feel that there is a problem, there isn't a reason to be here. if you can go on a bender and not do harm outside of what that does to your body (it's not great, but it's not my body!) i wouldn't tell you to stay here. you're welcome here, but this is an abstinence program; it is an extreme option. most of us end up here because we've exhausted the other options, you know? 

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On 11/12/2020 at 4:46 PM, SMdoubleXL said:

I get the whole “functioning” thing.  As long as your responsibilities are being taken care of- why not right? 
I stg I am In a current case of deep regret. 
(hit a three yr plus a few months-no opiods) 

and really shining at my new career of only 9 months has made me realize that, yeah, I was doing alright. I made damn good money for what I was doing and sent my kid to college. The regret comes in at -if I were to have been clean during those years imagine how much BETTER life would have been.  It was good but now I realize what it coulda been with this clear head (and other goals besides when am I gonna be able to connect) 

what a waste.  It’s so worth it. 
 

sorry. I’m rambling.  It made sense before I started typing.  @Decyferonthat post about you just accepting it really affected me. I’ve been thinkin bout it all day and I hope it was just a momentary thought. 

 

Congratulations SM! 3 years is huge. It only gets easier.

Last time I touched dope was Christmas 2015. I rarely think about it anymore. I also dwell sometimes on the years of my life wasted on that shit. I feel like I'm 7 years behind everyone else, in terms of "life development."

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I've skirted around this thread for a long time, but never chimed in (that I recall). Mostly as I don't want to admit to having any issues. I don't want to appear weak.

 

I've drunk fairly consistently since I was 16 and am now 39. Like many in here, I can take time off (weeks or months) when needed, but often get drawn back in. Stress is a trigger, as is exhaustion. I was meant to take the rest of the year off booze just to give myself some headspace and I've caved more weeks than I haven't. I've been in heavy lockdown the past 8 months and that has not helped things at all. I've gotten fat and lazy.

 

It all has come to a head the last week or so as I find myself simply exhausted and depressed. I'm numb and not sure what to do or where to start....about anything. I'm struggling at work and feel like I'm being a shitty husband and dad. The days after drinking are horrible and lead me to want more booze to quieten the shittiness I am feeling. Having two young kids means I'm sleeping in 2-3 hour bursts, which is not helping when the sleep would be shitty anyhow. My wife is a saint.

 

Yet I still go back and do it again and again. 

 

Until now! I recognise I need a better alternative to this but simply don't know where to start. It's been over half my life and I've got no experience or tools to help me make the change. So here I am being vulnerable....

 

I'm venting and writing this on mobile, so forgive any grammar/nonsensical issues. I'm around every few days or so and welcome any thoughts or inputs. 

 

Nice thread.

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here and there over the years i have dabbled in this shit, & 2018 was the year i hit rock bottom...not only were the "friends" that i was spending my days with often partying & drinking, but a pretty significant amount of coke and speed were becoming introduced regularly into the equation. i spent a significant amount of that year(2018) living my life that way...fucked up in a dark, dirty apartment with terrible people who didn't really care about me. the using really took over my life. i started to be a bit more careful during 2019(b/c i was starting to see what my life was becoming), but i did occasionally here and there dabble with both drugs/alcohol to be honest in that year as well.

 

i have been sober since new years day 2020...i woke up with a new years day hangover and never looked back. i realized that the relationships were fake, which still kind of bums me out quite a bit to be honest, and really distanced myself from their way of life and i know it's the right thing to do. they were fake friends and bringing me down with them constantly. however, i had really hoped that my mental health would start to improve...and after a year i still feel pretty terrible. not really sure when all of this effort and making better choices to stay away from that stuff is going to create some more positive vibes in my life, soon i hope. it better...

 

i know...it's kind of a corny story, but hey, it's honestly where i am at at the moment 💯

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6 hours ago, nicklesndimes said:

 

 

.....i realized that the relationships were fake,

 

 

This. 
 

the amount of people I have no more communication with and it doesn’t bug me is due to this right here. 
 

fake on my end tho, unfortunately. I miss a few people but my intentions to keep them around were not beneficial  either one one of us 

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On 11/6/2020 at 6:55 PM, Decyferon said:

I've gotta accept im an alcoholic, I drink a minimum of a bottle of whiskey a day and everyday I wake up wrenching and puking cos my stomach feels like shit,  my liver and kidneys hurt so badly but I'm also trying to sort myself out, I'm just not good enough and deserving yet because drunk is easier 

 

DM'd you.

 

I would get on a webex with anyone here that wants to talk addiction and how to work your way out of it or around it.

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10 hours ago, nicklesndimes said:

i have been sober since new years day 2020...i woke up with a new years day hangover and never looked back. i realized that the relationships were fake, which still kind of bums me out quite a bit to be honest, and really distanced myself from their way of life and i know it's the right thing to do. they were fake friends and bringing me down with them constantly. however, i had really hoped that my mental health would start to improve...and after a year i still feel pretty terrible. not really sure when all of this effort and making better choices to stay away from that stuff is going to create some more positive vibes in my life, soon i hope. it better...

 

You hit the nail on the head brother.  One of the very best things I did for myself when I was struggling was made the realization that the people I was calling friends were not really my friends at all.  All they wanted to do was hang out and get high with eachother.

 

It will take some time for your brain to fully heal it's chemical balances.  They say it can take 6mo to like 3 years for cocaine and speed.  The problem is, it makes you feel good by dumping all of your body's natural "feel good" chemicals at once.  Once you tear the rug out from under this situation, your body takes a long time to start upping it's levels of serotonin creation.  I think it's serotonin.  Anyway, it's hard to "feel good" or "normal" about anything until this happens and I think this is when it's very easy for someone to also relapse.

 

It makes you feel dumpy all the time for a while... tired, bored.  It's a waiting game and that's what most rehab is.  It's keeping people occupied and distracted while their chemistry balances back out and their brain stops telling them to go get high or drink alcohol.

 

EVEN nicotine does this same rollercoaster effect of addiction feel good/nic fit to people on a micro scale.... I don't think people give enough credit to it though for doing that to them.

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Listen @nicklesndimes this thread is different. From my knowledge and from what I can remember-I have never seen this thread leak o te into any others.  (Or I hope that’s still my perception of it) 

idc if it’s someone who we mutually cannot stand each other-if there was any type of support I could lend-I would.  Reach out if needed.  

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^^Yep that is pretty good.  I didn't know you used to be a counselor.  That's really awesome!  I used to tell people that the way I got addicted to cigarettes was I smoked them and they gave me this really crazy heavy feeling, like a head rush.  Almost makes you feel sick.

 

You keep getting that feeling for a short while of smoking, like... maybe your first week or something.... but after it's gone, you're addicted.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Lol @nicklesndimesand @SMdoubleXL, in regards to the fake friendships. Sometimes I will social media stalk old "using buddies"... bruh. It's amazing how often I'm like, "Wow, this guy has shit for brains" or "Wow, we have NOTHING in common at all"

 

But yet back when I was getting high these people seemed like my good friends. All we had in common was doing dope.

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Congrats ralphy, proud of you and appreciate your inspiration.

 

Still struggling here to get past the, "Fuck this, I'm pissed, I need a drink" feeling. I was sober pretty much all October, drank in November. I had the week of Thanksgiving off, drank every day. My side/liver/kidneys were really hurting by the end. Something is wrong with that part of my body when I drink. I'm gonna go get labs done and see what's up, I've had high AST/ALT in the past. The problem becomes when I drink one day, it's just too easy to keep going the next day, and the day after.

 

Interviewed for a job that would've been a significant move up, they kept me on suspense by scheduling an "interview feedback" meeting a week out. Didn't get it, they told me that they spent all week debating between me and one other guy and they couldn't make a choice. That day, I drank. I was pissed, trying to figure out what I missed. That was 12/1. Haven't had anything since. My side pain is just starting to go away these past few days.

 

Not giving up on this. Here's to trying again. It's almost like I learned nothing from getting clean off heroin.

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@Kalashnikov   thanks for the words. You already know man - listen to your body. No sense getting off junk just to get cirrhosis or some shit - harm reduction is harm reduction until it isn’t. 

 

 

This week I have heard about 4 deaths - one being a solid dude I trained jiu jitsu with for years.

 

Don’t take shit for granted and live with some meaning people - stay up. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've been doing mostly good at being sober. Drank one time since the last post, so twice this month even though I have had cravings plenty of times. I always wake up with regret when I slip up.

 

I think 2021 is it for me though. Just have to hold myself accountable and recognize that feelings pass, usually rather quickly.

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  • 1 month later...
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8️⃣ years here today!

 

if you scroll back in this thread you'll find where i started in 2013. maybe some 2012. honestly, before i went to meetings, before i opened up to sober blood family, before i even stopped drinking, my recovery started here. thanks to @fat ralphyand @theprotester and others who helped me along the way. 

 

best thing i've ever done, and it started here 

Edited by Elena Delle Donne
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