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Alcoholism


Step8

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Thinking about going to my first meeting tonight.

 

I turn to booze every time something bad happens thinking it will help. And it never does. This last month has been real bad. Last night esp.

I'm giving all my alcohol to a friend at school. I'm out of pills.

 

I have to do something. I'm skeptical of AA for religious reasons, but I've got an atheist cousin who has done it for 6 years and says its what you make of it. How you define your own god. I don't like going to churches, but I don't like being a mess...

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props for recognizing it and taking action immediately.

 

in my experience, your cousin is right - it's exactly how you want to work it, within boundaries. that being said, you will encounter a lot of people who take god and religion pretty seriously in this program.

 

they link a god/religion to one of the steps, which requires that you admit there's a power greater than yourself that can help control your alcoholism better than you. that's really all it is, but some people may insist it means you need jesus, and may do so to your face.

 

i find the preaching pretty unpleasant myself. note: the core of that step is simply admitting that you are not the best at managing your life and that there's a better way to live besides drinking and otherwise creating chaos for yourself. THAT's the solution everyone's there for, and that's what you keep at the forefront of your mind.

 

if you have the option, it also helps to go to a variety of meetings until you find a good crowd. i was overwhelmed at first with the amount of attention i received (for being a newcomer), and it took me 2 months to find a good consistent group to attend meetings with that didnt make me want to crawl out of my skin.

 

best of luck man.

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There are also secular meetings, at least in the Bay Area.

 

I went to a few meetings a few weeks ago. They were really irksome, and I got a heavy sense of religion in the second one. Didn't go back, because I got really upset about it all. I promised my sister last night that I would go to this rehab in San Jose for a minimum of three days, just to check it out. Something about that makes me think I'll back out, though. I've been sober for the past two months or so, but I'm jobless, very stressed, and generally unfunctioning. i am reading philosophy books to pass the time, but they aren't helping.

 

And, I shouldn't say that they are irksome, the meetings. Everyone was really nice at the first one, and I even saw an old friend. I'm just being enabled by living with my family, and it's not a good situation.

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it also has more tweakers and burnouts but hey to each their own....

 

Which can be really helpful if you are trying to say, abstain from a meth habit.

 

Should people avoid AA because it is a bunch of drunks?

 

While it is the pot calling the kettle black, I feel inclined to tell you to check your judgements at the door. Nothing says welcome like going to a AA meeting and having the speakers say that it's not like they were a dirty junky.

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If you want to give up the piss, do not come to Berlin, ever, 40 Cent beers has me fading away

 

 

eh. if you want to stay sober, you'll stay sober.

that's different from knowing that being sober is better, but still wanting to drink/use. that state probably isn't one you should be traveling in.

 

if you want to stay sober, shit like that shouldn't even nag ya :rolleyes:

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great day ... finally found someone in the program who i can chill with/actually have something to talk about besides our own lives and how we're coping with them, only took 9 months.

 

that part feels like an accomplishment, honestly. it's been years - real years - since i've been able to pick up and maintain a new friendship owing to being so selfish & inside my addictions. this is just the beginning but here's hoping there are many more.

 

also, randomly at my meeting tonight this girl was there:

 

some girl with just a few months shared at a meeting last friday that she lost two people close to her within a few days of each other, which i can deeply relate to (lost 2 people in 48 hours a few years ago). i offered her my number for support from someone who remembers how that feels... i hope she hasn't relapsed or done something stupid. she's attractive, so i'm hesitant to be any more proactive than that at the risk of even appearing to be another dick in AA who hits on vulnerable girls.

 

i broke my self-promise to not bother her and texted her around 3/16, wishing well. she had gone out by that point but seemed happy about it, so i said hey, hope it goes alright, and haven't heard from her since. she was most of a wreck this evening and expressed real, geniune regret at going out - and fear that things had gotten so much worse in her short relapse. this shit is a disease, y'all... hope you all are still working it.

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I would only posit that you should conduct yourself in a way that shows integrity and self respect.

 

Fucking any willing candidate and certainly prostitutes, does not fall into that approach to life, in my assessment.

 

Not related to recovery per se but I have engaged in a fair amount of promiscuous activity in the past that was pretty groovy, and some that I seriously regret. The regrets come from a kill em all approach, a little selective judgement, especially in regards to mental and emotional health can go a long way.

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Morton knows what's up.

If you feel a strong enough urge that you're willing to fuck a hooker, the addictive side of your personality is probably not being controlled as well as it needs to be to stay sober.

I can't personally empathize with ever feeling like paying for sex is an option, but I hope you're able to reign that shit in.

 

I'm still at it. My good homie and his lady came out to visit a week ago. They're a solid 7 years my senior, but he and I both went at it really hard for some overlapping years... partied pretty hard together. About a year and a half before I got sober he swung through town, after having moved away, and stayed over for a few nights. He had been working offshore and hadn't been drinking for several months, so we got real loose. Ended up recklessly smashing some freeway spots near my pad, and kinda burning shit out. I somehow managed to go to work one morning after and when I came back he was gone. He basically disappeared, and I get a call from his lady a few days later asking where he was... she obviously didn't believe that I had no idea. He ended up holing up in a cheap hotel and getting plastered... basically standard-issue late stage alcoholic shit... you know the rest. He got sober after that. About a year later, I recreated a very similar scenario and upon reflection it helped me realize what I needed to do to save my ass. I feel bad for airing out his story, but I'm sure he'd be okay with it, given the audience. If you're reading this D, I hope I'm not crossing any boundaries.

Anyway, it was rad seeing him. I hadn't since he'd gotten sober, but we'd stayed in touch via phone and all. It's crazy how even ~4 years later we're still so much alike. Living in Portland and feeling like a lot of the dudes up here aren't on the same page, it was a breath of fresh air knowing that I wasn't doomed to have to keep motherfuckers at arm's length. When you go through heavy shit with people, there's a damn strong bond that forms. I'm super thankful that I have friends like him.

Incidentally, his lady and I set our parents up (her mom, my pops) on a date and they ended up getting hitched. If only they knew the roots of our friendship, and all the chaos that lead to their marriage. Now I just hope homie and homegirl get married, for the selfish reason of me being able to call him my brother. It's actually pretty much inevitable at this point...

 

Anyway, take care folks.

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Also: I've been eating weed butter to help me sleep. I pretty much do not like being high at all, never have, but if I eat a little bit with peanut butter and a cracker before bed, I fall asleep in an instant. I sleep soundly, and wake up ready to handle shit out of the gate. I've taken a week without it, and my sleep has been shitty at best. Lots of waking up in the middle of the night, with no ability to fall back to sleep. I feel a lot more frazzled throughout the day, and in turn don't get as much done... and I've been a lot less stoked throughout the workday. My skateboard ish seemed to be progressing, too, with the extra energy I've been allotted.

I've tried melatonin as an alternative and it makes me feel physically tired, but it didn't lull my mind the way the weed does. I wake up feeling groggy, too.

I realize addiction is addiction is addiction, but the pros of the weed-as-sleep-aid seem to outweigh the cons. I definitely do not want to fuck with Ambien or any of the prescription solutions, as I know people who've had an array of issues with them.

 

Ideally I'd sleep like I do whilst high, without being high, but it's a pretty consistent issue now. Without it, I'd bet that 6 of 7 nights pass with subpar rest.-

Thoughts?

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I've had serious sleep issues since I got back from Afghanistan.

 

I've been on about a dozen rx meds and they have pretty much all lost any efficacy on me.

 

At this point the most consistent thing I've found is zzzquil. Its just diphenhydramine (basically benadryl) in 25mg or 50mg. Generics are cheap, I don't fall asleep quickly, at all, but I do stay asleep for the most part once I'm out.

 

I don't fuck w/ marijuana anything even though its legal in my state. Just not a fan of being high.

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I wonder if that your sub conscience is telling you that it is ok and outweighing in the benefits of it, because of addiction?

 

I've definitely tried to play devil's advocate (I.E. 'you're just rationalizing it') but it hasn't yielded much.

 

The way I see it is as follows: My work productivity has increased significantly. I've felt sharper throughout the day. I've been more socially on-point. I've had more energy. The list goes on, and that's not just a figure of speech.

 

All if this is indirect; I am not high during any of these daily activities. If alcohol had yielded these same results, you can bet I would still be drinking. After even the most fun night of drinking, there was no way I was feeling any of the aforementioned effects that weed seems to be providing me with if I eat some before bed.

I'm not needing to be under the influence to get these results, I use weed as a sleep aid, which in turn improves my overall functionality.

I'm kind of hurriedly writing this, as I have to go pick my lady up, so it's not as thought-out as I'd like, but I think I'm getting my point across.

It's kind of like coffee: I definitely feel like I need a cup to get my day started. Is it a good thing to depend on it? Probably not. Does shit hit the fan if I can't have coffee? No.

My problem with alcohol was the indifference that came with drinking it. I stopped giving a fuck about anything. That's the nature of alcohol... it's destructive. Weed doesn't have those same traits at all for me, nor for most i'd venture to guess.

 

With the addiction-is-always-bad line of though, I supposed I should quit skateboarding, because I depend on it to add to my happiness. If I don't get to skateboard fairly regularly, I definitely don't feel as good as when I DO get to.

That's bogus. I'm not some zen master who forges happiness from some wacky meditative hippy shit. Fuck all that. (not hating on meditation, as I think it's something we all do, whether we know it or not... I just don't think it's this tangible thing you need to be in a robe, sitting cross-legged to do)

 

And to Fist: I have used Nyquil (and other sleep aids with the same ingredient) on occasion, but Diphenhydramine gives me RLS pretty consistently. I'm not sure why it is, but nearly every time I take it, I end up squirming for an hour or two after. Needless to say, I'm not too big on that side effect.

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