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Alcoholism

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Sneaking towards four months here. Feeling healthy.

 

Thanks to everyone in this thread.

 

There's a better kind of normal.

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I made it to 45 days twice. And then fucked up both times.

 

Been good though.

 

I've really been making a conscious effort to control myself. Haven't been getting drunk during the week. Haven't blacked out in months. Haven't gone bar hopping in months.

 

Still been having drinks here and there with other people, but not getting trashed.

 

I would like to eventually move to sobriety.

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Toiletseat: I'm pretty much beyond hyped that you made that post a page back. I'm not alone when I say that your general posts have always stood out as some of the funniest shit on here. With that said, your scathing irreverence and general inclination toward mockery of pretty much anything, while hilarious, definitely reminded me of how I thought when I was wasted. I just did not give a fuck about anything, and it was quite a release at times, because my true self often cares about things more than I would have liked to much of the time during those days. I think that's one of the main reasons I fell in love with alcohol. Each swig of fluid kept that mask on a little longer, and kept me from thinking about shit that would've otherwise plagued my thoughts. Court dates, girl drama, job shit, graff beef, etc. all drift further out the window as your blood gets thinner. I never made any assumptions about you, but it crossed my mind that you might be like some of the people (myself included) in this particular thread. It's rad to see you take a step away from your 12oz persona and spill some real shit. That's for sure the biggest step when it comes to sobriety and finding it. It's been almost four years for me now, and while I can't remember the details of my first adjustments, I do recall that frustration building as I battled binges and brief stints of sobriety... that whole cycle. Why wouldn't we be mad at whatever it was that lead us to being so fucking miserable and ashamed? Shit sucks, and you start realizing how much it has destroyed, and how little comfort it brings anymore. Admitting that the problem is within us and not blaming some outside factor is humbling as fuck, and as people involved in a culture so soaked with excessive egotism, we often take that newfound humility pretty poorly. The job I lost directly because of my drinking definitely served as the beginning of the end of my drinking career. It was a definitely one of those 'disguised blessings' the idiots talk about, but for real. That was what made me make the leap of blindly moving to a city I had never been to before. Even though I fell back into my drinking once I got here, I was luckily still able to recognize that I hadn't irreparably sullied the clean slate I had set for myself, and so I stepped up to the plate knowing that I was the only one capable of manning the helm, and that to get control of my life back, I needed to change... so I did. Haven't had a drink since. I don't regret the years I spent wasted; I learned a fuckload by surrounding myself with terrible people, and by putting myself in even worse situations. I know more about how shitty people can be than most do, and it has taught me to avoid them, and to cherish the good ones. Don't even waste another second tripping about the "friends" you might lose if you dip out of the partying scene. I alone have said it in this thread more times than I can count: If a friend isn't understanding and supportive of your situation, they're not worth their weight in piss. I've cut people out of my life for far less, and trimming the fat in our social circles is REALLY fucking underrated in general. It's been so much easier to discern those worth having around from those I'd rather keep at distance. Spending time alone in doses when you're first sober can be a good way to sort through your thoughts and gather some clarity anyway, and I'd say embrace the seeming downside of getting sober as a positive, even if it seems shitty at first.

I don't know man. Sometimes I wish I could relive the excitement and general enthusiasm I felt when I first realized I had made the right decision in getting sober. In a way, that first year of relearning how to exist was the best part. You get to fix the flaws you never had a chance to fix. You get to "reinvent" yourself in a way, though not necessarily in the dramatic sense that the phrase brings to mind. It feels fucking good.

As is the case with any of you, lurkers or not, I'm always happy to check and respond to my PM's if you feel like you need a closed-circuit discussion instead of a forum comment, so holler if you feel like it. I haven't been on here much, but i'll try to check in more often. Sorry for any preachy-ness in this essay of mine. I hope it doesn't come across that way. I got nothing but respect for folks who confront shit head on.

I hope you can get where you need to be homie. Sounds like you've got the right idea.

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Holy wall of brick text POZ but you are correct in every way. I now have 15 moths of sobriety. My relapses have been for a few days at a time so I haven't bottomed out like the 'for real' one so if those don't count (they do) it's 3 years

 

The new excitement gives way to boredom and that, to me, is when the struggle comes in. After my last little 3 day bender, I decided to start building model train layouts. It has worked so far. Instead of a 12 pack, buy a box car, instead of a fifth, buy a locomotive.

 

Everyone is different but find an alternative that fits you. It is worth it.

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How do you guys deal with the irritability?

Are you talking the acute irritability that comes while hungover, or just a general feeling that's difficult to pinpoint the cause of?

 

I still get roadrage like a motherfucker, and I still can be 'snappy' at times. I think that's part of being human in a society that sucks in many ways. I'm so tired of people's carelessness, and that's generally what will cause my anger issues to flare up. Skateboarding helps immensely for me, and I'd assume any exercise would yield a similar result. I've also been dabbling with some of the philosophies behind mindfullness. More specifically, letting shit go that I would otherwise allow to bother me. If I'm quick enough to catch it, I'll just ask myself "Is this worth being upset over? Is being upset over it going to make it any better?" and often times I realize that the only effect of being pissed about something that is out of my control is that I'm pissed, and that often just serves to alienate people. I don't know.

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or just a general feeling that's difficult to pinpoint the cause of?

 

 

That one^

 

Went through the same thing when I quit smoking weed. Been more of a dick at work, went to a couple family dinners this week and was grouchy craving a beer while my sis and her dude were drinking.

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How do you guys deal with the irritability?

pretty much what POZ said, exactly:

 

... I'd assume any exercise would yield a similar result... often times I realize that the only effect of being pissed about something that is out of my control is that I'm pissed, and that often just serves to alienate people.

 

so i fight my irritation and misunderstanding in life both of these ways. outright anger has never been my thing, but bitter cynicism is. i will find an excuse to think and say that everything is shit, all the time. this isn't really the case and makes you into quite a miserable person to talk to.

 

my exercise is walking and painting. relentlessly. i walk 15-25 miles/week. it's tiring, i love it, especially when the weather is ok. walking and writing go together. i've been vocal about this before but graff has helped tremendously with my sobriety. it exhausts me physically and creatively and (if i'm doing a big piece i'm invested in) emotionally. i don't have much energy left to hate afterwards.

 

the mind is harder to change. it's taken a lot of interactions with people to convince me that they're not all bad. it's taken a lot of listening to people with tougher demons than i have to realize that i am not really all that worth getting upset about when something doesn't go my way. that's also a warped view of things, but it works for me.

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3 years to this date I haven't had a drop of alcohol & I feel fuckin' great.

Straight goods.

That withdrawal irritability went away for me after the first year. I won't lie, the first 3 to 6 months was some of the toughest shit I've been through but man was it ever worth it.

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congrats shittles.

 

checking in here.

someone in my homegroup took their life last week, a good dude. it was sudden and surprising: he had a few years, a new job, and things on the outside seemed alright.

 

a lot of us hate to ask for help, especially when we're bleeding.

do it anyway.

it may save your life.

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sorry to hear that news bmenu

unfortunately you're totally right about people not being interested in asking for help, or even letting others have a clue they might need it

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sincerely, i hope he checks in at some point.

 

i'm beginning to get to know/date a girl who's not in 12-step world and doesn't have (to my knowledge) substance issues. it's intimidating.

 

i took for granted that the majority of new people i've met in the past few years have been other people with addictions. in a way, it is like having a set of social training wheels: you can make an educated guess at what sorts of things drive them, what motivates them, what irritates them, how rational or irrational they may be. there are a lot of things that it is safe-ish to assume.

 

not so with this girl.

 

this will be a real chance to get to know someone for who they are, no recovery involved - and to let them into my life, as well, which is something that i hate to do and often downright scares me.

 

one day, one interaction at a time.

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my man is basically straight edge. his major vices are graf and soda.

it impresses me. i swear his whole fam has the 'sober' gene. ppl drink but NO ONE gets fucked up, including the youngsters.

 

i love it actually. i've known so many people with dependency issues. so so many. it gets REAL old after awhile.

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Started hitting some meetings again and forgot how much I missed them old drunks. It's gotten a whole lot easier these years but it's cool to touch base with the cats that helped me get here.

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struggling. it's been an everyday thing. first night in a long time i didn't drink, my liver hurts. i need to take astep back and focus on other things.

The struggle is real. I hate that phrase but it is true and worth it. Don't quit quitting.

 

There was a time when I thought that not drinking would mean not being true to who I was but the sober me realizes what a fucking cop out that is/was. You can do it.

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struggling. it's been an everyday thing. first night in a long time i didn't drink, my liver hurts. i need to take astep back and focus on other things.

 

daily drinking is such an easy habit to fall into. i couldn't break it on my own.

it is hard to re-wire such easy and comfortable habits.

 

i really feel this. i think a lot of us do.

2 beers after work became six which became 15 (seriously) -- for me, this (i hope!) isn't in your future.

 

The struggle is real. I hate that phrase but it is true and worth it. Don't quit quitting.

 

There was a time when I thought that not drinking would mean not being true to who I was but the sober me realizes what a fucking cop out that is/was. You can do it.

 

seconding this.

i've never been closer to the man i am (shy and weird as i am) as i am sober. it seems that people prefer it.

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