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I'll bump this thread because it's been a little while.

 

On 4/25/2020 at 5:49 AM, morton said:

I do not want to hear somebody talk about the mistakes they made right after the fucking Vietnam war for sure, but I also do not want to see a man in his sixties freebase.    

Laughed at this. I agree though. I understand that NA/AA helps people, but going to a meeting to listen to somebody's stories about getting high 32 years ago is just too much. I can't even fuckin' remember what I did last week.

 

Anyways as mentioned in my previous posts I was drinking more, I haven't been the past month or so. Same thing happened, just got tired of it after a while. I'm sure that will fade and I'll get into it again but I notice my general mood, performance at work, and ability to deal with what life throws at me are a lot better when I'm not hungover.

 

I run about 2.5 miles every other day or so, trying to get that up to a 5K. Still feel like I'm getting fat though, I know running doesn't help all that much with that. 

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  • 2 months later...
  • 5 weeks later...

I could use some advice from people who have been sober for a few years+, so @fat ralphy, guessing @Elena Delle Donne, and so forth.

 

I have been able to stop daily heavy drinking, as of maybe two years ago or a little less, after I gave up dope I was drinking heavily for a few years, every day, most of the day. I am, mostly, able to keep it to weekends now. So Friday night, Saturday, and sometimes Sunday. I also seem to have no issue taking short breaks for 2 weeks or so at a time. I like the clarity of waking up sober and feeling like I'm on top of my game, and not like my brain is working at 33% because I'm hungover and just feeling like shit from drinking the previous night. I'm also a lot better at work when I abstain.

 

I just cave every now and then, especially on a Friday after a hard week. Stress is a huge trigger for me, and I've been mad stressed lately, even though inside I know drinking isn't going to make anything any better. I have the desire to be 100% sober. When I was using in my 20s I never assumed I would make it to 30. Now that I'm here and things have turned around I feel like I should be here for the long haul, and quitting alcohol completely would help with that. Just not quite sure how to make the jump from weekend warrior to completely sober. I will admit during the week when things go wrong, mostly at work, I do have cravings to drink. But usually I'll go for a run or something and just watch the clock until it's time to take CBD and melatonin to sleep. 

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happy to offer something here. you're in the right place! 

 

you didn't ask but i won't assess your or anyone's drinking habits—i think that's best left to the individual. depending on who you ask, some people will. but there's a lot of weirdo gatekeeping in recovery that keeps people out and i don't want to participate. if you feel like your drinking is unhealthy and want to stop, that's all it has to be. 

 

knowing your triggers and having ways to cope are 80% of the battle in long term sobriety, in my experience. what helped me a lot in early sobriety was making detailed plans for my weekends and identifying things that worked out stress and other triggers for me. things that trigger me to drink include: 

 

- feeling hungry

- feeling lonely

- feeling tired

- feeling sad

- feeling burdened by my to-do list, or stressed

- feeling misunderstood

- feeling bored

- feeling mischevious 

- feeling restless, or not having something for my hands to do

- feeling like my mind was moving too fast 

 

this is not an exhaustive list. but needless to say there's a lot about everyday life that made me want to pick up a drink.

 

i used a combination of proactive and reactive stuff to keep my days sober: i made plans to go to AA meetings and hang out with people inside/outside sobriety, and regularly. i rode my bike and wrote graffiti when i was feeling antsy or mischevious. (stricter AA folks would tell you a truly sober person wouldn't keep writing graffiti, but). i looked for creative communities to make plans with too, because i'm an artist and that also took up space on my schedule and in my brain. it was about becoming better at living, fundamentally, and filling it with people and places and things i loved it that were good for me.

 

i also stayed away from people and places that would be bad for me (like old graffiti friends who lived a life i couldn't). of a handful, one is dead now, one just got out after doing five years and is about to go back in. most of the rest are drinking at the same bars they were ten years ago, and i don't really want any of that now. i have (and will) cut people off who don't fuck with who i arguably have to be in order to stay alive. that's non-negotiable

 

not to end on a hostile note, because it really sounds like you're 90% of the way there. a buddy who went sober without a program did it to help him calm depression and anxiety and has seen it work wonders. he's sustaining on inertia alone! 

Edited by Elena Delle Donne
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that is some solid advice right there ^^^^ much of it applies to how I am rolling.

 

detaching from old homies and places that are triggers is crucial, difficult but really needed to get your life to that next level. most of the folks I used to drink on the daily with are right where I left them 13 years ago. 

 

I got a few things to add......

 

Keep in mind that frequency has nothing to do with being an alcoholic. I have a friend that can go weeks or even months without drinking but when he does he gets out of control and puts himself in really bad situations. "Normal " drinkers don't do that kind of shit.

 

@Kalashnikovit sounds like you are already doing what you can to avoid those Friday benders - alternate activities are huge especially if you are not into doing any program (AA, LifeRing etc). I think all of the repetition in programming helps to rewire our thinking. When I first got sober programs were hella helpful to me - but I was used to AA having been dragged to the shit with my pops since I was a small kid. Some folks aren't into programs and that is cool but you need to find something that works for you. I haven't been to a meeting in like 3+ years and in the last 6 years I have probably only been to 10 meetings altogether. But i have things that work for me - training jiu jitsu, still talk to people that are in recovery, family life etc. If you do need to hit meetings, find one that fits for you....I used to hit up a coed young peoples meeting so at least I got to see some ass and another meeting I would go to had some real OG's that helped me. 

 

Working out and keeping you serotonin/dopamine levels on point is clutch - if you are like me and fucked off years on drugs and other shit then we can fall into depression/anxiety easy, so healthy lifestyle helps. This sums up your whole post @Kalashnikov-

 

 "I have the desire to be 100% sober. "

 

If that is the case then all the really hard work is done. Truth is now you just have to put in that work. 

 

I personally know that if I were to start drinking again I would go back to shit show status pretty quickly. Chances are I would lose most of the things I have worked hard to get - career, family ties, financial stability etc. Once the scale tips and the cons of drinking outweigh the pros - staying sober is pretty easy. It's like dominoes and once you get momentum it just grows.

 

Don't fool yourself man, if you are really an alcoholic all it takes is one night to fuck it all off.  Most people don't understand that or don't believe it but those of us that are really gutter drunks understand that is a reality. 

 

Keep it up lads. 

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feel like I should add this - 

 

My best friend of over 20 years died in March after a ruthless 3 year battle with cancer. In July my wife moved out after 16 years together and 10 years married.

 

Drinking isn't even on my mind. Every once in awhile I think "You know I could probably keep the shit in check now, I can control it now....it would be ok."

 

But then I really stop and think - 

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On 10/2/2020 at 11:20 AM, Elena Delle Donne said:

happy to offer something here. you're in the right place! 

 

you didn't ask but i won't assess your or anyone's drinking habits—i think that's best left to the individual. depending on who you ask, some people will. but there's a lot of weirdo gatekeeping in recovery that keeps people out and i don't want to participate. if you feel like your drinking is unhealthy and want to stop, that's all it has to be. 

I've noticed this too. I'm happy I've been able to go from heavy daily to just weekend warrior, and because of that I never really considered myself an alcoholic. Especially since I can stop for a period of time with not much problem. I have noticed that I really look forward to my weekend drinks though. I'm not too concerned about putting a label on it. Honestly a good amount of the reason I'd like to stop is that pain in my liver/kidney area that I have mentioned in this thread before that happens when I drink. I'm starting to get concerned that I'm doing damage to my liver. I have been drinking since I was 15, with different amounts of use over that time; I'm coming up on 20 years of drinking.

 

Roughly, 15-18 was weekends, 19-21 was every other day or so, 21-22 was heavy (daily), 23-28 was limited (once a month or so, those were the dope years), 29-31 was very heavy, daily, 32-now has been weekends. So it has always had a part of me in one way or another.

 

But yeah on your list of triggers, a few of those are mine too. 'Hungry' and 'weekend' together are a definite one. Especially since I'm kinda like "can't have ribs without Heineken", "can't make Mexican without Modelo" and so forth. 

 

@fat ralphyThank you for all of the insight. Sorry about the friend and the wife, but I'm glad you're pulling through. And yeah an addict of any type will always have those thoughts like "I've done good this long, I've proven I can keep this under control"... any type of excuse is always there, lol. 

 

With covid, everything has been thrown into a loop. I know there's Zoom AA meetings and such. I'm probably just gonna try to make a better effort. Not give in to triggers, ride out the days, keep myself busy where I can. Definitely going to go running when it gets dark today, this past weekend was kind of a shitshow once again.

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Gonna double post here because fuck it.

 

I spent a good part of last night reading almost this entire thread, I started around page 24 and went to about 105. This has been like a community diary of sobriety attempts with your occasional asshole remark by somebody who came in the wrong thread or just had something slick to say. I hadn't really taken the time to do that before. The thread was the most active like 2010-2013. Lots of posters in this thread are now gone... POZ, AWAP, Sword, Swamp. Ralphy been in here dropping knowledge since the beginning, IRON CHEF too. It's interesting when you really step back and look at how many of us are struggling with sobriety in one way or another. Lots of slip ups, which is to be expected of course.

 

Extending love to the people who aren't around anymore (on the forum) and hope everyone is doing well and were able to overcome their demons.

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On 10/3/2020 at 10:14 PM, fat ralphy said:

feel like I should add this - 

 

My best friend of over 20 years died in March after a ruthless 3 year battle with cancer. In July my wife moved out after 16 years together and 10 years married.

 

Drinking isn't even on my mind. Every once in awhile I think "You know I could probably keep the shit in check now, I can control it now....it would be ok."

 

But then I really stop and think - 

condolences ralphy. and i'm sorry to hear about the relationship too. that's a lot at once, and only by staying sober are we able to face head-on circumstances like these and respond as best as we can. 

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On 10/7/2020 at 11:06 AM, Kalashnikov said:

Gonna double post here because fuck it.

 

I spent a good part of last night reading almost this entire thread, I started around page 24 and went to about 105. This has been like a community diary of sobriety attempts with your occasional asshole remark by somebody who came in the wrong thread or just had something slick to say. I hadn't really taken the time to do that before. The thread was the most active like 2010-2013. Lots of posters in this thread are now gone... POZ, AWAP, Sword, Swamp. Ralphy been in here dropping knowledge since the beginning, IRON CHEF too. It's interesting when you really step back and look at how many of us are struggling with sobriety in one way or another. Lots of slip ups, which is to be expected of course.

 

Extending love to the people who aren't around anymore (on the forum) and hope everyone is doing well and were able to overcome their demons.

 

yeah, this was a really good place to be thru 2014 or so. i disappeared, too—i used to post as injury. this thread was really good to me as i ironed out sobriety and talk helped save my life. 

 

hoping to kinda give that back (?) to the extent i can by posting in here again. i would also totally do a 12oz zoom meeting if people are into that 

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On 10/19/2020 at 10:12 PM, Elena Delle Donne said:

 

yeah, this was a really good place to be thru 2014 or so. i disappeared, too—i used to post as injury. this thread was really good to me as i ironed out sobriety and talk helped save my life. 

 

hoping to kinda give that back (?) to the extent i can by posting in here again. i would also totally do a 12oz zoom meeting if people are into that 

 

Yeah, forums have kinda died off. Pretty sure Facebook expanding and Instagram are mostly responsible for that. I have an Instagram but I don't use it, don't have Facebook. What are ya gonna do (insert Tony Soprano)

 

I haven't had any alcohol since 10/4, the weekends are tough for cravings since that's my downtime. I've been trying to stay busy though. Housework, regular work, exercising. My girl has been super stressed lately with full time grad school and full time work, and somewhat taking it out on me which doesn't help. We'll see how this goes. I've noticed without my Friday - Sunday, what I guess would be a binge essentially, I don't have that pain in my liver area. I really do love waking up not hungover though and not just sitting and waiting until 10:30 or 11am Saturday/Sunday before having a beer. I feel like I'm actually getting shit done.

 

Also down for a Zoom meeting one of these days.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I've gotta accept im an alcoholic, I drink a minimum of a bottle of whiskey a day and everyday I wake up wrenching and puking cos my stomach feels like shit,  my liver and kidneys hurt so badly but I'm also trying to sort myself out, I'm just not good enough and deserving yet because drunk is easier 

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On 11/6/2020 at 4:55 PM, Decyferon said:

I've gotta accept im an alcoholic, I drink a minimum of a bottle of whiskey a day and everyday I wake up wrenching and puking cos my stomach feels like shit,  my liver and kidneys hurt so badly but I'm also trying to sort myself out, I'm just not good enough and deserving yet because drunk is easier 

Drunk isn’t easier - not in the long run.

 

Once sobriety gains some momentum life gets insanely easier.....success starts to steam roll.

 

Most of the things i have achieved would have never come if I had continued my path. Give it a solid go @Decyferon- you are worth the effort. It’s been years brother, if it still isn’t a fit lifestyle its time to try something new.

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On 11/6/2020 at 7:55 PM, Decyferon said:

I've gotta accept im an alcoholic, I drink a minimum of a bottle of whiskey a day and everyday I wake up wrenching and puking cos my stomach feels like shit,  my liver and kidneys hurt so badly but I'm also trying to sort myself out, I'm just not good enough and deserving yet because drunk is easier 

 

Drinking and drugs are always easier until they're not. It's really up to you to decide when that point is. If you're not ready, that's all there is to it. But if you're starting to get health issues, I would stop now because it's only going to get harder.

 

I talked to an old friend on Saturday. Heavy drinker and ex-drug user. He has Hepatitis C, and drinks heavy, has been drinking heavy for the past 5 years or so. He said he was going through about a 750 of vodka a night by himself. He has been getting treatment for HepC and has been seeing a hepatologist. They said he has stage 3 liver scarring, and that if he doesn't stop, he'll have cirrhosis in 5 years. He's 32.

 

That scared me honestly. Livers are pretty good at healing themselves, but once you pass a certain point you're fucked.

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This is going to likely come across as remarkably self adulating or arrogant, but I'm hoping that a few of you who have known me here since I was a teenager in college will know I say this with all self awareness:

Do any of y'all find being intelligent a blocker to the capacity to tone things down?

I have always been relatively good at controlling consumption, other shitty behavior, and maybe this is more about depression than it is about consumption, but I find it very hard to give any real shits about the world or existing.

From a philosophical standpoint, to a political standpoint, to a general ability to predict most trends, I find that I don't really care. I live my life. I'm functional. I do quite well with my work. I take care of my friends and family as they need. I do the things expected of me, I just find compulsory sobriety to be... not worth it?

This is in absolutely no way a knock on, or comment of contention towards anyone else in this thread. I'm legitimately curious how intellect plays into people's ability for control, myself included.

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On the double post trend,

I think I should qualify this as I have issues with the way that words like "alcoholism" or other such behavioral syndroms/diseases are characterized. 

For a long time, I'd say about 40% of my life, I was worried I was a sociopath. Not in the strictly DSM version, but in what I think the term actually applies to. Not a lack of human empathy, but a lack of care once that empathy has been experienced. I've always thought it's the latter that is why some people are really good at lying/manipulation (read: me) and others are not. 

I think this ties into how I feel about consumption of anything in general. It's hard to find anyone who can make a solid cogent argument to me other than "you have to want that." Which I respect as a baseline. I just don't think that even if I wanted to tone down whatever I choose to do in my life, any common structure of support would do anything for me. 

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16 minutes ago, the.crooked said:

This is going to likely come across as remarkably self adulating or arrogant, but I'm hoping that a few of you who have known me here since I was a teenager in college will know I say this with all self awareness:

Do any of y'all find being intelligent a blocker to the capacity to tone things down?

I have always been relatively good at controlling consumption, other shitty behavior, and maybe this is more about depression than it is about consumption, but I find it very hard to give any real shits about the world or existing.

From a philosophical standpoint, to a political standpoint, to a general ability to predict most trends, I find that I don't really care. I live my life. I'm functional. I do quite well with my work. I take care of my friends and family as they need. I do the things expected of me, I just find compulsory sobriety to be... not worth it?

This is in absolutely no way a knock on, or comment of contention towards anyone else in this thread. I'm legitimately curious how intellect plays into people's ability for control, myself included.

 

I think the same honestly. It's harder for smart people to just ...exist. There's no ability to just be stagnant, something always has to be going on, mentally or physically. Alcohol and drugs help people like that relax. Smarter people also have a tendency to always try to fix their own problems, as they are better critical thinkers. Sometimes asking for help feels like weakness or even stupidity, as unjustified as that feeling might be.

 

Just my take.

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Ignorance in bliss - understanding the truth of the world does lead to a darker disposition imo. 

 

@the.crooked

 

“I  have always been relatively good at controlling consumption” 

 

I think this statement you made is the deciding factor. It sounds like you function and have some level of control. I was able to function too but control was not a part of the picture after the first drink. The reason I stopped drinking is because I knew that some of the shit I was up to would permanently alter my life in a negative way. Friends started dying or ended up in fucked situations. Honestly looking back on it (13yrs), when I stopped it was probably because I saw the bigger picture whether that is a credit to my intelligence or not....idk. The outside support I really don’t rely on, probably haven’t been to a 12 Step Meeting in almost 5 years and never found it to be a huge need anyway.

 

 I find it hard to follow that being more intelligent leads to difficulty giving up substance abuse. If you drink or use like an addict then that’s pretty much it - you’re in the high risk category.

 

You pose a good question though. As I think of the people in my life who are clearly highly intelligent all of them have struggled with pretty serious substance abuse. I honestly think people with lesser intelligence are more likely to stay in negative patterns of behavior - again not just controlled recreational use but serious addiction with negative consequences.

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I think the distinction I'm making is "i can knock shit off generally when I feel it's truly necessary."

Not, "I don't go on benders, and don't sometimes have a come to jesus moments with myself."

 

Cus I do love me a bender. And if i got the unadulterated time, I'm down to shirk off this reality.


Shit has certainly been harder this year. I'm a very bored human in general. I need people and novelty to feel engaged with the world around me. It's certainly led to an increase in consumption during pandemic for me and my wife (same situation on intellect, etc).

I think a big thing I'm "struggling" with is the lack of current outlets, and also just questioning how much of my choices regarding career and doing "it" out of social propriety is leading to that want to just escape regardless of my ability to control that.
 

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On 11/6/2020 at 7:55 PM, Decyferon said:

I've gotta accept im an alcoholic, I drink a minimum of a bottle of whiskey a day and everyday I wake up wrenching and puking cos my stomach feels like shit,  my liver and kidneys hurt so badly but I'm also trying to sort myself out, I'm just not good enough and deserving yet because drunk is easier 

 

my dude. you've been coming in and out for as long as i have been here—give it a shot! hit me up however you need to, you have my instagram, it's injury. you don't have to hurt every day, that's not a great way to live

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I get the whole “functioning” thing.  As long as your responsibilities are being taken care of- why not right? 
I stg I am In a current case of deep regret. 
(hit a three yr plus a few months-no opiods) 

and really shining at my new career of only 9 months has made me realize that, yeah, I was doing alright. I made damn good money for what I was doing and sent my kid to college. The regret comes in at -if I were to have been clean during those years imagine how much BETTER life would have been.  It was good but now I realize what it coulda been with this clear head (and other goals besides when am I gonna be able to connect) 

what a waste.  It’s so worth it. 
 

sorry. I’m rambling.  It made sense before I started typing.  @Decyferonthat post about you just accepting it really affected me. I’ve been thinkin bout it all day and I hope it was just a momentary thought. 

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On 11/11/2020 at 6:49 PM, the.crooked said:


I think I should qualify this as I have issues with the way that words like "alcoholism" or other such behavioral syndroms/diseases are characterized. 

I think this ties into how I feel about consumption of anything in general. It's hard to find anyone who can make a solid cogent argument to me other than "you have to want that." Which I respect as a baseline. I just don't think that even if I wanted to tone down whatever I choose to do in my life, any common structure of support would do anything for me. 

 

i wanted to make this a good post because you made some points that are worth talking about! i'm going in reverse order, dealers choice. 

 

this is on the money and ties back to us really just not understanding alcoholism, addiction, or how they intersect with mental health issues at all. we don't have a cure for alcoholism; we have a support group that has a 5%-15% long-term success rate (depends what study you read) at stopping people from continuing to drink. the craving is still there. 

 

On 11/11/2020 at 6:45 PM, the.crooked said:


Do any of y'all find being intelligent a blocker to the capacity to tone things down?

 

i would say... sort of? there are a lot of parts of AA that are just rote repetition of things to get simpler people to stop drinking and those always chafed. And i couldn't care less about a god and i certainly wish i could get back the time in my life spent reading "we agnostics" when that was assigned to me—so much condescension in so few pages! 

 

but there are parts of it that were helpful to me, so i kinda picked and chose and continue to. the higher power thing i interpret as being about de-centering myself from my recovery and my day to day life; actively and intentionally trying to live my life to make others' better (even as i occasionally troll on this website) and be present in peoples lives which sounds corny but it is really a thing i try to do now. that helps me not drink and feel better, more broadly, about existing on this dying planet. 

 

more on that: i am somewhat up to speed on a number of current topics and certainly could argue myself into believing that none of life is particularly worthwhile and you might as well burnout and die asap and enjoy drinking while you do, because the world isn't getting better, i am not important, and i won't have kids to watch starve as the planet boils. but aa helped me see how selfish and myopic and lonely and painful (!) that is, too.

 

i think i drank in part to turn my brain off. it's not that i was particularly smart, but it was always going—i was always thinking about something, often myself, and that's tiring! it gets old. i needed something to do with my hands at all times, too, which was graffiti as a kid and then became drinking and is now split between graffiti and a phone and a cup of coffee and sometimes fixing something simple like my bike. i need to be occupied; that probably intersects with being an alcoholic but again, we don't really understand. i needed a way to numb and stall my body and boy alcohol does that. very effectively. it also makes some things more fun. so really it was perfect for me. 

 

aa is a simple program and people are complicated, largely. i was told early on that if you cannot control and enjoy your drinking, you should be in aa. i agree with that and still am and try not to let myself outthink that simple, effective bar. 

 

by all means—if you can control your drinking and do not do harm to people and do not feel that there is a problem, there isn't a reason to be here. if you can go on a bender and not do harm outside of what that does to your body (it's not great, but it's not my body!) i wouldn't tell you to stay here. you're welcome here, but this is an abstinence program; it is an extreme option. most of us end up here because we've exhausted the other options, you know? 

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On 11/12/2020 at 4:46 PM, SMdoubleXL said:

I get the whole “functioning” thing.  As long as your responsibilities are being taken care of- why not right? 
I stg I am In a current case of deep regret. 
(hit a three yr plus a few months-no opiods) 

and really shining at my new career of only 9 months has made me realize that, yeah, I was doing alright. I made damn good money for what I was doing and sent my kid to college. The regret comes in at -if I were to have been clean during those years imagine how much BETTER life would have been.  It was good but now I realize what it coulda been with this clear head (and other goals besides when am I gonna be able to connect) 

what a waste.  It’s so worth it. 
 

sorry. I’m rambling.  It made sense before I started typing.  @Decyferonthat post about you just accepting it really affected me. I’ve been thinkin bout it all day and I hope it was just a momentary thought. 

 

Congratulations SM! 3 years is huge. It only gets easier.

Last time I touched dope was Christmas 2015. I rarely think about it anymore. I also dwell sometimes on the years of my life wasted on that shit. I feel like I'm 7 years behind everyone else, in terms of "life development."

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I've skirted around this thread for a long time, but never chimed in (that I recall). Mostly as I don't want to admit to having any issues. I don't want to appear weak.

 

I've drunk fairly consistently since I was 16 and am now 39. Like many in here, I can take time off (weeks or months) when needed, but often get drawn back in. Stress is a trigger, as is exhaustion. I was meant to take the rest of the year off booze just to give myself some headspace and I've caved more weeks than I haven't. I've been in heavy lockdown the past 8 months and that has not helped things at all. I've gotten fat and lazy.

 

It all has come to a head the last week or so as I find myself simply exhausted and depressed. I'm numb and not sure what to do or where to start....about anything. I'm struggling at work and feel like I'm being a shitty husband and dad. The days after drinking are horrible and lead me to want more booze to quieten the shittiness I am feeling. Having two young kids means I'm sleeping in 2-3 hour bursts, which is not helping when the sleep would be shitty anyhow. My wife is a saint.

 

Yet I still go back and do it again and again. 

 

Until now! I recognise I need a better alternative to this but simply don't know where to start. It's been over half my life and I've got no experience or tools to help me make the change. So here I am being vulnerable....

 

I'm venting and writing this on mobile, so forgive any grammar/nonsensical issues. I'm around every few days or so and welcome any thoughts or inputs. 

 

Nice thread.

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6 hours ago, nicklesndimes said:

 

 

.....i realized that the relationships were fake,

 

 

This. 
 

the amount of people I have no more communication with and it doesn’t bug me is due to this right here. 
 

fake on my end tho, unfortunately. I miss a few people but my intentions to keep them around were not beneficial  either one one of us 

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