mental invalid Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 back on the saddle.....hope all is good in the multiple realities of oz-ers....push some energy out this weekend...later by the way if you say "first" in this thread me and beardo will devour your first born child..... Aries (March 21-April 19) To ease yourself into alignment with the astrological rhythms, give each of your two closest companions a gift. What kind of gift? It should fire up their ambitions, not appeal to their urges to be comfortable. It shouldn't be a practical necessity or ho-hum consumer fetish, but rather an adult toy or provocative tool. It should be an imaginative boon they've been hesitant to ask for, an extravagantly beautiful thing that expands their self-image, a surprising intervention that says, "I love the way you change me." Taurus (April 20-May 20) Close your eyes and visualize yourself taking a walk in nature. Feel the resilient strength of your leg muscles and the touch of the air on your face. Take deep breaths as you quietly exult in the motion of your arms swinging rhythmically. Gaze slightly upward, taking in the far horizon and the sweep of the sky. Now imagine that at a certain point, the wind becomes noticeably stronger. Branches of nearby trees begin to wave, unleashing a rising whoosh. Instinctively, your heartbeat quickens. Your flesh prickles with a reflexive alertness. But of course there's no danger. What you're experiencing is a primal excitement at the growing energy around you; a heightened awareness of the sheer aliveness of the world. Everything I just described, Taurus, is a perfect metaphor for the turning point that will arrive this week. Gemini (May 21-June 20) Many Geminis are almost too multi-talented for their own good. One of my friends is a fine actress, singer, dancer, and poet. Another has expertise in forestry, medieval music, grant-writing, city-planning, and graphic arts. They find it difficult to concentrate on just one field of endeavor because they can't bring themselves to ignore the rest. As a result they never get really polished at any one thing, and have trouble earning a wage commensurate with their talent. If this describes your own fate even a little, Gemini, it's now a favorable time to make a change. In the coming months it will be far less painful than usual -- possibly even unexpectedly pleasurable -- to commit yourself to a single path. Cancer (June 21-July 22) Production should have already begun for the new crop of dramas due to be unveiled in September. To my chagrin, though, you haven't even decided on the scripts yet! Better make your choices soon, Cancerian. Personally, I hope you pass up the story about the bright light who prostitutes her talent because she's afraid of failing in her quest for her real dream. Ditto the show about the moody innocent who turns down a whirlwind journey and retreats full-time to his safe little cave. The best script, in my opinion, is the reality show in which the hero carries on a brave struggle to balance her security needs with her longings for adventure. Leo (July 23-August 22) I foresee a future when women will fill half of all leadership roles instead of ten percent, when their earnings and time spent doing child care will equal men's, when women's orgasms are as frequent as men's, and when a majority of guys understand that misogyny is hazardous to their own health. Until the coming of that glorious day, I urge all of you Leos, regardless of gender, to work with tender ingenuity as you stir up and flesh out female power. To do so will be especially rewarding in the coming weeks. Your intelligence, sex appeal, and happiness will flourish in direct proportion. Virgo (August 23-September 22) Looks like the Season of a Million Emotions hasn't wiped you out completely. Though it may be hard to tell because of the puddles of tears by your bed and the piles of ashes from your burnt offerings, you've managed to maintain a modicum of poise. I mean you're not spitting into the wind and throwing stones at heaven while trying to dance naked on the roof with a hangover, right? That in itself is a sign you've escaped a trap you've always been a sucker for in the past. I bet that if you can just hold on to your sanity for another eight days or so, you'll finally graduate from the University of Senseless Pain, where you've been matriculating for way too long. Libra (September 23-October 22) You're climaxing a phase of development that's been unfolding for many moons. Soon you'll be tying up loose ends and resolving unfinished business, and by October you'll launch a whole new cycle. Now, while you're basking here in the glow of your full bloom, you'd be wise to wrap things up with a flourish. What beauty do you want to leave behind as you depart from this era? What blessings will you bequeath to express your gratitude for all the formative experiences you'd had? Scorpio (October 23-November 21) I predict you will soon win at least one of the following: a MacArthur "genius award," a Congressional medal of honor, a blue ribbon from a local fair, a Nobel Prize, a report card with all A's, an honorary degree from a major university, a plaque commemorating your service beyond the call of duty, or employee of the month. If for some reason my prediction doesn't come true, you have cosmic permission to forge homemade versions of any of the above. You may also go down to the trophy store and buy yourself the biggest, shiniest trophy. Make sure you get it engraved with a title like "Supreme Champion Love God/Goddess" or "Tricky Master of Lush Wisdom" or "Deepest Feeler of the Year." Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) One of the advantages of being an astrologer is that when I'm tired of being myself, I can easily take a vacation. My knowledge of the zodiac allows me to slip away from the claustrophobic confines of my own horoscope and impersonate other astrological configurations. Inevitably, I return from this sabbatical with a renewed love for the unique puzzle that is my innate personality. I recommend that you take a similar break in the coming week, Sagittarius. To get started, I dare you to follow the advice in at least three of the other signs' horoscopes. Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Where two tributaries of a river blend into one: That's one of your power spots this week. Where the tree meets the ground is another magic symbol, along with the boundary where cloud and sky join, the double darkness where your shadow overlaps a friend's shadow, and the sweet spiral time when night gives way to the dawn. In conclusion, Capricorn, you will tap into the ripest inspiration in the liminal areas; you'll find the truths you need most wherever one web of mystery merges with another. Aquarius (January 20- February 18) In second grade I got the best grades in my class, and was extremely polite and well-behaved. That's why my fellow students were shocked when I perfected the art of making farting noises by cupping my hand in my underarm and rapidly squeezing. I could do it so surreptitiously that my teacher never guessed the source. In retrospect, I regard this as a sign of great wisdom. It was a recognition that being good all the time can be dangerous to one's mental health; that we all have a dark side that needs to be exercised now and then. I found a way to rebel against my glossy image without doing harm to myself or anyone else. Learn from my example, Aquarius. In the coming weeks, find or create a safe place for your evil twin to get its yayas out: something resembling a gym or playpen. Pisces (February 19-March 20) Here are further signs that the apocalypse may have already occurred. 1. An environmental organization sent me five free Jennifer Lopez-themed refrigerator magnets as a promotion for their new ecological initiative. 2. A blind German psychic has announced that he can divine the future by fondling people's naked butts. 3. Recent polls report that for a majority of Americans, vacations are exhausting and debilitating. 4. My mother just got her first toe ring and my dad casually announced he believes that "*everyone* is a performance artist." 5. The Piscean tribe is finally ready to discover why there is a rowdy, regenerative power in proclaiming to the world, "I am empty of all hope and I don’t know anything!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest beardo Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 more on point than usual good to have you back, mental Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Rage- Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 "it may be hard to tell because of the puddles of tears by your bed and the piles of ashes from your burnt offerings" ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest imported_Tesseract Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 Apocalypse now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Fire Inside Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 So Rob was too lazy to come up with my horoscope so he tell's me to look at three other ones? BULLSHIT! I'm too lazy to read three other horoscopes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jah Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 firsts! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmmm..tacos Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 i want mine to say: Pisces (February 19-March 20) Today youre gonna get your dick sucked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jah Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 isnt that nice^^^... too bad you missed out on aquarius by a day!! sucks getting the short end of the stick huh??? haha. jk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mental invalid Posted August 9, 2002 Author Share Posted August 9, 2002 to lazy, toooo lazy!! come on fire inside...we dont spoon feed in here... jah, consider your little mikey frank bob or whatever youll name him in the future, dinner........yes i can wait that long....muwwaaaahhhaaahha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jah Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 hahahahahaha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ken E. Bus Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 Originally posted by mental invalid "I am empty of all hope and I don’t know anything!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpent of the light Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 gemini's was really fucking stupid. the onion has way cooler horoscopes than you. Aries: (March 21?April 19) Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along. Taurus: (April. 20?May 20) Your motto has always been "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out,'' but only in reference to germs that cause coughing, sneezing, and congestion. Gemini: (May 21?June 21) Though you enjoy doing the Times crossword puzzle, your addiction to the thrill of anticipation means there's nothing worse than finishing it. Cancer: (June 22?July 22) You're a man magnet, which, while enjoyable, does mean you're constantly demagnetizing your credit cards. Leo: (July 23?Aug. 22) You will shatter existing records for speed and distance when you're struck by a car while walking across the Bonneville Salt Flats. Virgo: (Aug. 23?Sept. 22) If you do the naughty things you really want to do, you'll become popular and enjoy yourself, but occasionally feel bad. Libra: (Sept. 23?Oct. 23) You will suffer contusions, fractures, and a hard slap after your short, poorly planned career as the Unicycling Kissing Bandit. Scorpio: (Oct. 24?Nov. 21) You're fine with using a rifle and sleeping in a tent for the next three weeks, but you can't figure out what kind of army uses temporary employees. Sagittarius: (Nov. 22?Dec. 21) Your boyfriend says he isn't going to put up with much more of your crap, but now you've got little bows to put on it. Capricorn: (Dec. 22?Jan. 19) It's said that there's a thin line between love and hate, but that's just a metaphor. Stop asking what color it is. Aquarius: (Jan. 20?Feb. 18) You were brought up to believe that if you toed the company line, worked hard, and never spoke out of turn, you'd be rewarded. Well, you're president, so there's something to it. Pisces: (Feb. 19?March 20) Eventually, you'll have to face the truth: Your third-grade teacher was paid to not publicly humiliate you. see dudes, nothing beats that. and i think its short enough for A fire inside to read. even 3 of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mental invalid Posted August 9, 2002 Author Share Posted August 9, 2002 being a gemini myslef i would have to attest to the above observance of way to many fingers in way to many jars... however, i will say this, the onions are fucking great too.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seven.13 Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 Originally posted by mental invalid Cancer (June 21-July 22) Production should have already begun for the new crop of dramas due to be unveiled in September. To my chagrin, though, you haven't even decided on the scripts yet! Better make your choices soon, Cancerian. Personally, I hope you pass up the story about the bright light who prostitutes her talent because she's afraid of failing in her quest for her real dream. Ditto the show about the moody innocent who turns down a whirlwind journey and retreats full-time to his safe little cave. The best script, in my opinion, is the reality show in which the hero carries on a brave struggle to balance her security needs with her longings for adventure. More drama in september?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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