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Guest beard

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones

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Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's bee in a

terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and

says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling

the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room tosee a terribly upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him

and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures

of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means

you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of coursethese

diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to

shake as he cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid, Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly." Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fuck'n with you,

she's dead."

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haha i saw this joke in my FHM magazine. i'll posy some jokes when i go home :)

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Guest Dusty Lipschitz

nice one phatty beards

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A man loses his wife in a freak scubadiving accident and police aren't able to recover the body. The next day, he gets a knock at the door and is greeted by two solemn police officers. "Sorry to bother you, sir'" one says. "But we have some information about your wife."

 

"Well, tell me!" the man cries.

 

The policeman says, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

 

The man chooses the bad first, so the policeman explains, "I'm sorry to tell you, but we found your wife's body this morning at the bottom of the bay."

 

"Oh, my God," the man cries, but then remembers what the policeman had said, "So what's the good news?"

 

"Well," says the policeman, "when we pulled her up, she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good dungeness crabs on her."

 

"If that's the good news, what's the great news?" the man demands.

 

The policeman explins, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"

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A man is cruising along a country road when he is pulled over by a cop who was lurking just after a bridge. The man pulls over to the side of the road, cursing. "What's the hurry?" the cops asks smuggly.

 

"I've got a work emergency," the man replies. "I'm in a big hurry."

 

"Oh, yeah?" says the cop. "What exactly do you do?"

 

I'm a rectum stretcher," he replies.

 

"A rectum stretcher?" the cop asks suspiciously. "What the hell is that?"

 

"Well," explains the man, "I take a patient and put a small stretching device in his rectum and leave it there for three weeks. Then i take it out and put in a larger stretching device, which I again leave in for three weeks. I do this four times, until finally i put in the largest stretching device I have, and leave it in until the patient has a six-foot asshole."

 

"What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?" the cop asks.

 

"Well, usually they put him at the end of the bridge with a radar gun."

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