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Snakes on a Plane ... and Nice Breasts
One Fry Short
by Matt Diamond
February 25, 2006
This may come as a shock to many of you, but sometimes I like to watch movies that aren't pornographic. You may be familiar with these. They're the ones that have actual characters and a plot and sometimes people do things that aren't each other.
Sure, some of these films may have a disappointing lack of graphic sex (Pooh's Heffalump Movie, I'm looking in your direction), but they make up for it with intellectual stimulation. Movies make people think. Or at least they make me think. For example, "I think that actress has nice breasts."
There are a lot of non-pornographic films coming out in 2006 that I'm really looking forward to. One of these is Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain. Some of you may know Aronofsky from his previous film, Requiem for a Dream, which is apparently a real feel-good movie. He also directed Pi, which is the only math-themed film I will ever admit to watching, aside from Donald Duck in Mathmagic Land, which is totally a classic. I won't say much about the plot of Pi, except that it features a deeply paranoid mathematician who, at one point, is abducted by a group of fanatical orthodox Jews. Obviously this is a film we can all relate to.
I'm really eager to see The Fountain, but there's one movie coming out in 2006 that completely blows me away. This movie is going to redefine cinema as we know it. This movie is going to be the most important film of the 21st century. This movie is about snakes. This movie is about planes. This movie is about what happens when one is on the other.
This movie is Snakes on a Plane.
As you can tell, this movie is about snakes on a plane. There are other elements to the plot, like an assassin trying to eliminate a witness in protective custody, but this is all secondary to the main point of the film: snakes that are on a plane. Or, conversely, a plane that has snakes on it. Either way, we know what we're getting: some sort of snake/plane combination, with action-packed results.
As if this wasn't amazing enough, we also have a stellar cast, led by one of the greatest thespians of our time: Samuel L. Jackson. This man needs no introduction. He's been in every movie ever made. He's made shouting into an art. I'm not sure exactly what he's going to do in this movie, but I can tell you this: Samuel L. Jackson doesn't take crap from anybody. Especially snakes. Especially when they're on his goddamn plane.
In case that's not enough for you, the cast is also rounded out by Kenan Thompson, who many of you may know from the Nickelodeon show "Kenan and Kel." I've actually seen a screenshot from Snakes on a Plane with Kenan in it, and suffice it to say, there are snakes on him. And he's not very happy about it. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like Kel is going to be in this movie, which is a shame, since it could've resulted in some pretty awesome lines ("Who loves orange soda? Kel loves orange soda! BUT NOT SNAKES"). Then again, can he really top his Oscar-worthy performance in Good Burger?
Of course, there have been efforts to derail this movie, including efforts to change the title to something much less awesome, such as Pacific Air 121. Who the hell would want to see a movie called Pacific Air 121? It doesn't mention snakes at all.
Luckily, Samuel L. Jackson protested, explaining that the title was the only reason he took the job. I can't blame him; Snakes on a Plane is perhaps the greatest movie title since Leprechaun in the Hood. The title lays out exactly what you're getting: There's a plane and there are snakes on it. As Jackson himself puts it, "You either want to see that, or you don't."
Whether or not Snakes on a Plane receives critical acclaim on the level of Brokeback Mountain is a moot point. Brokeback Mountain may have gay cowboys, but Snakes on a Plane has snakes. And a plane. It's such a natural combination; I can't help but wonder if the Wright Brothers had snakes in mind from the start. Regardless of their intentions, it has become obvious to me that planes were meant for snakes, and vice versa. Think of it like Romeo and Juliet, but with reptiles and aircraft.
In conclusion, everyone needs to see Snakes on a Plane. There's no way this movie can fail. The hype for this film has been building like crazy; there's even a Facebook group for it, and we all know what that means. To sum it all up: This film has Samuel L. Jackson, Kenan, snakes and a plane. So jump on the bandwagon before it's too late, because movies don't get any better than this. Unless, of course, there are boobs in it.
