AUZZIEDAWG

A drunk driver gets pulled over A female officer walks up to the car "Sir please exit the vehicle" The man steps out of the car The women says "Sir you are under arrest for Driving Under the Influence, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you in a court of law" The drunk man says "TITS"

I had some coon ask me for a spare 75 cents i was hell tripped out ussually its like $1 or something.

we were lazy about the weed. had an ounce of it for our trip from the south to montreal. in upstate ny, we ditch the bag at a friend's house, to be picked up upon our re-entry into the U.S. we then decide, ehh, fuck cleaning the car out, the pot's gone, we'll be fine for the border inspection. sure enough, at the cornwall crossing, we're the only car detained for inspection. and these canadian customs officials fucking GO TO TOWN. they're practically taking apart the damn car. we overhear one of the guards, who is supervising two new rookies; "remember, if you even find a seed, it is enough for a formal arrest." we're getting kind of nervous. all those in-car bowls, there's gotta be something lying around on the floor. then they find our rolling papers. shit. a real bull-dyke looking canadian guard approaches me. "would you mind explaining to me what the purpose of these rolling papers are?" "uh, yeah... i used to roll my own cigarettes. i guess i forgot those were in the car." she rolls her eyes. a younger male customs guard next to us mutters "good answer." they let us go though, with a stern warning not to be so stupid. we proceed to montreal and get lap dances and drink all night. but you know what? STUPID FUCKING CANADIANS. they never even frisked us. i could have had a hello kitty backpack full of anthrax stuffed down my pants, they wouldn't have known shit. made me feel dumb for ditching the weed in n.y. oh well, it was still a fun trip. yer and i was wearing baggy pants at the time ;)

I got banned from Crayons, Paste, Play Doh, and soap because I got caught eating it too much in kindegarten. Everyone once in a while, when with my really young cousins, I sneak a pinch of play doh and remember the good days

Dogs are funny creatures.... It's not funny though when a thunder storm hits and your dog shits UP the wall....literally up the wall, 3 maybe even 4 feet.. I need to set up a video camera

there is this woman that comes into my work, and orders the same ice cream, every single day. she likes two scoops of jamoca almond fudge in a bowl. rain, shine, sleet, hail, snow, tornado... it doesn't matter. she gets her ice cream, every single day. and why does she do this? apparently she gave up drinking coffee a year ago or so, and her family was very proud of her (she's old and i assume has been drinking coffee her whole life). the ice cream has coffee in it... i mean, it's a COFFEE ICE CREAM. today she came in with her family, and i quickly asked; "two scoops jamoca almond fudge in a cup?" as i reached towards the dishes. she cocked up, and shook her head, and fumbled out "uhhh... no... no thank you." her company gave her a funny look. i guess they don't know about gramma's JAF addiction.