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Jesus Potato

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  1. Jesus Potato

    Ask Dr. HAL

    It's a sign that you're on the dick.
  2. Wait, fuck, it's the other way around.
  3. Wherever you go, make sure you drink of my flesh and eat of my blood.
  4. -Smiting the unholy -Unleashing plagues -Making blind women see again, then punching them in the tits -Yahtzee! -Fabricating delicate yet rustic wooden objects -Giving Bush shit advice on purpose just to see how ridiculous I can get -Forgiving sinners -Racing speedboats -Making my Pope puppet spaz every once in a while to keep people on their toes -Drooling on babies' heads -Cocaine
  5. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v318/mamerro/potato.jpg'> Name: Jesus Potato Age: 2004, give or take a few Occupation: Savior What do you consider your best trait or feature: My piercings. And my complex carbs. What do you consider your worst trait or feature: Sometimes, on days I don't particularly give a fuck about anything, I let bad things happen to good people. What have you done in life to benefit yourself and/or your community: I let my shit get ruined to save THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE, and I still don't get enough love. What would you like to add: http://www.fikru.150m.com/photos_Fikru/big_photos/crucifiction.jpg'> If you're going to paint me getting killed for you, please don't suck like this fucking negroid.
  6. He Speaks http://newcamp.net/hector/images/12oz/potato.jpg'> 1) Religions that forbid alcohol are like strip joints that forbid nudity. Religion and alcohol are so intimately tied that it is absolutely impossible for one to exist without the other. There were written recipes for beer and fermented spirits before there was a single religious word written, for me's sake. If any doubts arise, allow me to explain; here's a sample from the Holy Quran: The Holy Quran, 5.90: O ye who believe! Intoxicants and gambling, (dedication of) stones, and (divination by) arrows, are an abomination,- of Satan's handwork: eschew such (abomination), that ye may prosper. It is no surprise that such text would be mistaken to be implying that drinking is a bad thing, even prohibited. But you know, like, fuck that, you know? The Quran just goes on to say that in heaven there won't be bottles of alcohol, but RIVERS of it, so in the end, it's all good. That shit was all written by dudes who where all high on drugs (they were probably vegan and gay too), so don't sweat the details. Just drink, man, Dad made fermentation precisely for drinking. I called wine my "blood" for a reason, and obviously, you should be following my shit. 2) Well, what exactly is it you wanna get to me? Money doesn't mean shit to me, though it does to the pederasts (as well as young penis) who keep asking for it on TV. But if you wanna send a couple of sluts that will put out immediately (dealing with nuns is a hassle), you can send them, along with your name, address and phone number, to: 154 Charleston St. Apt. #2 Stratocumulus Level, HV 00777 I'll put in a good word to my homie Peter at the gates for you. You can also send expensive jewelry and dope rims. 3) You most definitely can, as long as you rock a mean air guitar while chanting my name 7 times in a row. Actually, that last part is bullshit, you just need the air guitar. But it'd be awesome if you screamed my name a few times. Bonus points: When that part of Mass comes around where you have to hug and kiss people, punch someone in the face. When he/she asks why you did it, say I told you to, which I just did. Print this out for proof. 4) She bit down.
  7. He Speaks http://newcamp.net/hector/images/12oz/potato.jpg'> [my name is]: Jesus H. Christ [in the morning i am]: In deep need of taking a celestial piss. [love is]: What people think I have for those that killed me and do other bad things. Actually, I think they're a bunch of assholes and are currently enjoying the luxuries of hell. [i dream about]: Puppies. I don't know why, but that's it. A shitload of puppies. -W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X- [last person u slow danced with]: Mom. Don't really do it anymore, I'm all about throwing dem bows now. -W H O- [do you have a crush on?]: Johnny Depp. But you know, not in a gay way, you know what I mean? Like, when girls say they have a crush on Adriana Lima but they aren't lesbians, or anything, just... it's not sexual at all, you know? It's like w... um, you know, nevermind, forget what I said. I have a crush on that Lizze McGuire broad. Next question. [easiest to talk to]: Everyone says I'm super easy to talk to. A bunch of people say they don't even need to go to church to do so, which is pretty amazing. -H A V E .Y O U .E V E R- [fallen for your best friend]: Nope, Peter had a major back hair problem. -W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N- [you talked to on the phone]: My accountant. The Bling is secure. [hugged]: A groupie. [you instant messaged]: I don't have AIM. [you laughed with]: George Burns. We were smoking cigars and shit and I told him he looked like a fucking chimp. Then he started saying something back to me, but I kept staring and all I could see was a talking chimp with a cigar, so I started laughing harder, and he probably thought I was laughing at his comeback, and we just kept laughing for a while. Then I punched him in the face because I fucking hate monkeys. -D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U- [could you live without the computer?]: Dude, I lived without soap for 33 years. [what's your favorite food?]: My flesh. Tons of people seem to dig it, although everyone insists it tastes like bread. Funny, I was aiming for chicken. [whats ur favorite fruit?]: How come the previous question has "your" spelled correctly but this one doesn't? Anyways, I don't know. Fruit is gay. I'll say grapes cause you can make wine with them, and I can do some awesome wine tricks. My favorites are "Multiply the cups", "Turn water into wine", and "Get shitfaced and rock the fuck out" [what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: I wanna say emotional, but getting nailed to a wooden stick was pretty fucking bad. Physical. [trust others way too easily?]: I definitely do. I keep letting these guys into the club who later turn out to be kid fuckers. -N U M B E R- [of times i have had my heart broken? ]: Once. Quite literally too, that spear totally ruined my shit. [of hearts i have broken?] : Apparently all the pansies that cry because something bad happened to a good person. Grow the fuck up, man, shit happens. [of boys i have kissed?] : I kissed Judas twice, but that was on the cheek. Just wanted to make him feel like shit for betraying me... he totally had the hots for me too, he must've flipped. [of girls i have kissed?] : Psssh, I don't even know. Guess what one of the entry tests for women at the Pearly Gates is? [of drugs taken illegally?] : I ate some crazy shit when I was out in the desert for 40 days. I saw this red GUY with horns and a van dyke beard and goat legs and a pointy tail come up to me, and it turns out it was SATAN!!! Hahaha, it was fucking crazy, cause Satan is a woman. Then she did some of the same stuff and said I looked like a white guy. Hahaha, good times, I wonder what the fuck thos cactuses had. [of tight friends?] : 12. No, wait, 11. Judas was a fag. [of cd's that i own?] : I rock an iPod. [of scars on my body?] : Left hand, right hand, both ankles, one on the ribcage, a couple dozen around the forehead, and like 200 on my back. Thuglyfe. [of things in my past that i regret?] : One: Not boning chicks while still on Earth. Thank Dad that's all over now. -O.T.H.E.R.T.H.I.N.G.S.- [i know]: Everything. [i want]: A flame thrower. They're fucking great. [i have]: Your fate in my hands. Well, I don't have hands in this form, but you know what I mean. [i wish]: Motherfuckers recognized the real. [i hate]: Dennis Quaid. I don't even know why, he just looks like a fucking sleazebag. [i miss]: Not a goddamn thing. Life on Earth sucks. [i fear]: Those Down Syndrome dolls some lady sells on the Internet. And shovels. [i hear]: Everything. Even trees falling in forests. [i search]: For a large hammer with a decent nail-remover or whatever you call that thing on hammers that removes nails. [i ache]: When nailed to a fucking cross, which is why I need the hammer nail-remover thing. [i care]: About sinners. Pfffffft. [i always]: Forgive. Pfffffft. [i dance]: Yes. [i cry]: When I get hit on the nuts. No, not even the Son of God is out of danger. [i do not always]: Excercise moderation when going out to drink. as a matter of fact, I never do. [i write]: With my infinite power of telekinesis. I can also bake donuts. [i confuse]: Nobody. But the jerks who wrote my life story did. [i can usually be found]: Inside your own heart. AWWWWWWWW!!! Gag me with a fucking kitchen appliance. [i need]: More bling, definitely. Gold fronts, for starters. [have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing]: The torturers were laughing while they ripped off my clothes and beat the shit out of me, but I never considered it a game. They didn't even let me pass "Go". [favorite place to be kissed?]: Feet. I would pop boners every time a believer did it, thankfully the robes hid it pretty well. This didn't work for the priest in "The Little Mermaid" . [have you ever been caught "doing something"]: Dad sees everything, so even if I tried, and holy shit did I ever, He would call me out immediately. [wuss]: Say it to my face and we'll see about that. [druggie]: Only for 40 days. Alcoholic the rest. [gang member]: Yeah. JC-12DK in tha hizzouse!! [daydreamer]: Dumb song by Mariah Carey. Wait, no, that was "Dreamlover". Whatever. [alcoholic]: Yes. [freak]: No, I'm just special. [(da) brat]: She's a lesbian, right? [sarcastic]: OF COURSE NOT. (Get it? Get it? Oh I'm so fucking clever.) [goody-goody]: What the fuck is this? Candy? [angel]: King. [devil]: Homie (secretly) [friend]: to people who dont deserve a punch in the face [shy]: Never. I'm always making my face appear in the most random spots. [talkative]: FUCKING CHRIST THIS THING IS REALLY FUCKING LONG. How much longer? Sheesh... [adventurous]: Used to be. Now I'm a fucking tuber. [intelligent]: No, I am a dumbshit. I died for your sins thinking it'd work, how stupid is that? -Self-Analysis.You.Probably.Don't.Want.To.Do- You'e right, I don't. I gotta go do important things like make statues of Mom cry in Vienna or some shit.
  8. http://newcamp.net/hector/images/12oz/potato.jpg'> Feel free to talk about just how awesome I am.
  9. He Speaks. http://newcamp.net/hector/images/12oz/potato.jpg'> 1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a one of them. I don't have any potted plants. I think plants are fucking stupid. I tried to convince Dad to only make animals cause they get to eat each other and have sex and all sorts of neat stuff, but instead he filled the world with a bunch of plants that are about as thrilling as a punch to the groin. Plus, without plants we wouldn't have any of those vegan fucks around. 2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd. I never got to have sex in my earth-roaming days (job restrictions), and even if I did, a twin bed would've been a fucking luxury. Try a fucking wooden bench. Thankfully there's tons of fluffy clouds around here. And an assload of dead nun groupies 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. I don't really need either. But I love beer, so I only have that in my fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. I'm usually passed out at 6:00, but whenever Dad comes home all drunk and shitfaced, and I know he's gonna oversleep, I have to set the alarm and get up at 5:30 so I can turn on the lights at 6:00. Never missed a day so far. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. I've never ridden elevators. Only time I did was during the Ascension, and I used cherubs and angels to carry me up. I made them play "The Final Countdown" by Europe with their trumpets. That chorus melody is pretty fucking magical. 6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. Pffft. I AM the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. No marriage in heaven. Just tons of free sex. Seriously guys, think about it. You still have a chance to repent. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. No vacation. Just a day of rest per week. Sucks, but what the hell. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.' Bah, a spiky crown and skimpy loincloth is enough for me. Could you believe those bastards wanted me to go naked? I was like "Dude, I'm gonna be scared shitless and in an unimaginable amount of pain, the shrinkage factor is gonna be way off the charts. Can I just have that little bit of dignity?" They were cool about it. 10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. I usually just smite them... electrocute them, burn their house down. No need to get the police involved. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. This is true. And it's disgusting cause Dad is a kinky fuck. An all-powerful kinky fuck. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. There's no Taco Bell up here. They don't wanna open one cause "there's no money in it". Which is true, and understandable I guess. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. I walk everwhere I go. Even over water. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's. Like I said, I only have beer in the fridge, so that's what the dog gets too. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. No, being nailed to a fucking cross for 8 hours makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m. Eveytime I take a nap during the day, I can't be on the lookout, and that's when bad things happen to good people (hope that answers that stupid fucking question everyone seems to ask). I try to not do this much, but man, somtimes you just can't help it, you know? 17. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one. I have the choice to take my dates on whichever spectacle I choose. If she's a romantic girl it could be an arctic sunset, if she's adventuresome I'll take her to watch a supernova, and if she's pretty punk rawk I can take her to Hell to watch some tragic dismemberments. Regardless of where, I usually get laid in the end. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. Well, they don't really upset my stomach, but they make me fart like a fucking wizard. Add a Bic lighter and there's fun to be had for hours... I especially like how Canadians go "Ooooooh!!! Aaaaaaah!!!" when they see them in the sky, giving them all these fancy pretty names like "aurora borealis" or whatever the fuck they call it. Dude, you're watching my farts on fire, hahahaha. Fucking morons. 19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits. I don't really need to go to the drugstore ever, since the only thing I ever buy anywhere is Duct Tape. That shit is great. Oh, and Bic lighters. But yeah, Duct Tape is rad, Dad even jokes about ending the world now cause humans have already achieved the only worthwhile thing they ever will in their existence. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.' Psssh, just give me a bucket of water and I'll show you what the definition of pimp is. 21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. Is Miller Lite a breakfast food? 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." Man, last time I got drunk on Earth, I got fucking CRUCIFIED the day afterwards. Probably the worst fucking way to spend a hangover. I still get stupid drunk and shit, but I always make sure of what's gonna happen the next day. I'm not going through that crap again, I don't care if I have to save humanity. You motherfuckers can do it on your own now. 23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. I don't need a computer for my job, I only use it for 12oz. 24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar. I only go to bars that allow me to wear clever hats, and I'm usually friends with the owners, so I drink for free. Regardless, I still drink at home beforehand. 25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you! Not really. Don't know what else to say to this question, so here is a picture of a squishy boob. http://www.ctrlaltdel.org/clickclub/bbanima.gif'>
  10. http://newcamp.net/hector/images/12oz/potato.jpg'> People who use the suffix "OLA" are not friends of the Jesus Potato. Being His friend is important.
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