-Rage-

@KultsFuck yeah.

Grosse Point Blank?

@abrasivesaintand @Dr. DazzlePlease do get yourselves checked out. I waited too long and it (literally) eats me up inside that I did. Are the Top5 threads still a thing? If not, they should make a comeback. In the past I have always been very dismissive of "positive thinking" or meditation as I found them to be rather farcical. I have always been a person that is rooted in the present and very future focused and oriented. I always had to know what my plans were and how to accomplish my goals. After my diagnosis I am just trying to live day-to-day and be as passive as possible. I mentioned in my last post that I discovered a Buddhist temple not far from where I live. I signed up for a lecture there this weekend on anger and stress. Perhaps it will help me cope with what I am going through. I figured it couldn't hurt to go and try something new. I certainly agree with the doctors being more like "professional weathermen" analogy. While I am sure that the doctors I am seeing are very good, I still plan to seek out a second or third opinion. I'll likely be heading to Sloan-Kettering in NYC in March. I've read that their cancer center and doctors/staff are top-notch. It was truly a last minute low-key no frills wedding. My mom was in town for my first treatment session and I figured she could be one of the two legal witnesses. The second witness was my former housemate. Ironically, the wedding was officiated by my ex-partner of 8 years. Fuck, I've been meaning to take a photo with the fanny pack. I'll have to do that next week during my treatment session. How on earth did you find anSX-70 for only $35?! I'm jealous man. We need to make another 12oz Polaroid Pass Around book happen (or something similar with another instant film media). That fucking thread... 🤣 I've got to watch where I tread in the Oontz these days. I'm on a work issued laptop.

Sup y'all. Another three weeks have gone by and it's been good and bad. My second round of chemo was January 20th to 22nd. The entire IV infusion session on Monday took six hours. SIX. FUCKING. HOURS. Side effects were about the same as the first treatment session, but this time I noticed a temporary neuropathy (tingling sensation in finger tips when touching anything really cold). On Wednesday the 28th I was having an elevated heart rate, light headedness, and was doubling over in pain from my lower right abdomen. I figured it had something to do with my appendix, since that's where the pain was emanating. Ended up going to the ER. They ran the usual tests along with a CT scan that (sure enough) revealed acute appendicitis. Had to stay overnight for an appendectomy the following morning. Spent my first time in a hospital overnight and barely slept. Some elderly guy across the hall kept screaming for a nurse all night and asking for sangria. The surgical procedure was quick. Had to stay another night for observation. Feeling fine now overall. My treatments sessions have been pushed back a week because of the surgery. Nice to have a full two weeks of no chemo. Nest session is February 10th. On a random drive this past weekend I discovered there is a Buddhist temple on 160 acres not even 10 minutes from my house. By no means am I a religious or spiritual person, but it might be a good place to relax.

So, It's been two weeks since I last checked in here. I had a "Smart Port" surgically implanted in my chest (just below the right collar bone). It is basically an injection port where they can "plug in" IVs and chemo pumps without having to stab you in the arm or hand every time. The surgeon had to fuck up my chest tattoo to insert it. Small price to pay for trying to live a little longer. I would say its weird having a 1" raised bump in my chest, but I just see it as another body modification. A few days after that I started my first chemo transfusion session. They start by injecting steroids (for nausea), dextrose, sodium chloride, and other pre-meds. All of the IVs took about 3 hours. Let me tell you, I was the youngest person in the transfusion room by about 30 years. Certainly was a little depressing. After all the IVs, they hooked up a baseball size injector pump full of the real chemo drugs. It stays plugged in for 48 hours, slowing injecting 5mL per hour. Scored a sweet-ass fanny pack to store it. I know you're all jealous. The side effects. Most people are aware of the extremely unpleasant things that happen while on chemo. It's not a walk in the park, I assure you. Naturally, everyone has different reactions, plus, there are so many different types of chemotherapy drugs, so not everyone may experience the same shit. Here's what I experienced during the first treatment session: Waves of nausea. After I got home on the first day I felt fine until about 5pm when it hit. I was prescribed two drugs for the nausea and one steroid. I decided to take one of the nausea pills right away and again about every 8 hours to keep the nausea at bay. It seemed to work for the most part. Didn't really have any intense nausea and no vomiting at all. Taking deep breaths really helps here. Loss of appetite. A major downside is the immediate loss of appetite from the nausea. Nothing is appetizing despite the need and want to eat. Sensitivity to cold liquids. I took a swig of ice cold water and my throat felt like there were needles in it. Such a strange feeling. Thankfully, I am able to tolerate room-temp water and other liquids (tea, Ensure, Gatroade...), so staying hydrated is pretty easy. I've always been an advocate for drinking as much water during the day as possible. Usually 60-100 fluid ounces. Sensitivity to tastes. Sounds weird as hell, but during the transfusions I would get an intense shock wave of radiating discomfort in the hinge of my jaw. It always occurred when taking the first bite of any food or taking the first sip of a drink. Flushed face. At times I would have a really red and flushed face which would feel like I was on fire. I believe this was a reaction to either the steroids or one of the nausea meds. Going outside in the cold or using a damp cloth seemed to alleviate the problem, albeit temporarily. Sensitivity to light, screens, and loud noises. I had the shades drawn closed in my bedroom for three full days, like a fucking vampire. I could barely look at my cellphone for more than 15 seconds without feeling dizzy. A friend called me to talk on the phone and I could barely tolerate listening for more than a minute. I spent a lot of time just sitting up in bed, staring at the wall and breathing deeply. Listening to ambient sounds and music helped as well. Aphex Twin's Selected Ambient Works Volume II for the fucking win. Constipation. Not wanting to eat anything.... well, you get the idea. Fatigue and weakness. A common side effect. Due to being injected with so many drugs, a lack of food intake and general malaise there is no will to be active at all. I would compare all of my side effects like a hangover times ten. They lasted until about Thursday mid-day, a full day after the injection pump was removed. By Friday I regained an appetite. This week I am feeling worlds better. Pretty much like my usual self. I will say that sleeping hasn't been an issue at all. If anything I feel as though I am sleeping better. I am now trying to go for walks at least once a day for 15+ minutes. There are lots of woods and trails around my house, so its a nice distraction. This is also the first full week I have been back at work (remotely) since December 2nd. Work has also been a pleasant distraction. I start another treatment session on Monday the 20th. Time will tell what side effects will occur this time. Oh, and I got married on Saturday the 11th. Figured my dude and I should get hitched sooner than later since we don't know what the future will bring.

Understatement. Let me tell you, hearing a doctor tell you flat out that you may only exist on this floating ball of water and dirt for another year is a punch to the soul. Everything stops. So much rushes through your head at once. "How do I tell my family that I'm dying?" "I need to write a will. What the fuck do I put in it? Why do I have so much shit?" "We just bought a fucking house. Will he want to live in it after I die or will there be too many memories?" "What happens to my film and digital photography archive spanning 20+ years of personal projects?" "Will I ever get to see some of my friends again?"

Those early 2000s were the fucking best. I never regret the time I spent on here and the friends I made along the way. Meeting a bunch of 12ozers in person always made the connections seem more real. Every single person had their own badass or chill personality. And yea, 38 here. I know I've been out of the 12oz loop for years now and not to sound cheesy or cliche, but the sense of community here is has always been humbling. I'll let my s.o. know where to find this post and hopefully he can update if/when I can no longer do so. Please feel free to reach out if you need to vent or just chat. Best of luck to her in the start of a new year. PLEASE do. Get yourself checked out. I know appointments and waiting for results can be fucking scary, but the sooner you know, the better. I was stubborn and waited too long. Cancer was the last thing in the world I thought I would be diagnosed with. Fuck, that is rough. Sorry for your loss. It's good to know he got to see one of his kids graduate though. Make an appointment to even just chat with a gastroenterologist. Describe any and all symptoms. Tell him if you're taking anything like Prilosec, Nexium, or Omeprazole. You can even request an endoscopy (where they use a scope down the throat) to check for any erosion, abrasions, or in my case, growths. Also, try sleeping at 20 to 30 degree angle. This elevates the throat and esophagus above the stomach, minimizing the possibility of acid to the esophagus. Use some extra pillows to create a sort-of ramp for the upper part of your body. Avoid eating at least 1 hour before going to bed. If you do, try to sit up for a bit to let it settle. I think my biggest concern over my condition is all of the unknowns. An oncologist or other doctor can only give you a professional opinion, but will it ever be accurate? No. Thankfully I am in a state with some excellent medial and cancer centers, so I plan on getting second and even third opinions, at least after a few treatment sessions. I agree, I think there have been some excellent advances in treatments and medications along the way. I'm fearful of the nausea and hair loss primarily. The former of which I have already been having for a couple weeks. Having a tumor just above the stomach has completely killed my appetite, thanks to the nausea. I would fucking kill for a bahn mi sandwich or cheesesteak, let me tell you.

I've been urged by a few fellow 12ozers to make this post. On December 26th I was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal adenocarcinoma. This cancer of the lower esophagus was caused by acid reflux, something I never even knew I suffered from. It spread to my stomach, liver, and other spots. Back in the late-summer I noticed there was a pressure and constriction in my mid-chest after eating food. Foolishly I waited until early October to mention it to my physician. I was put on an over-the-counter acid and heartburn reducer. In November I met with a gastroenterologist who recommended an upper endoscopy. Mid-December the endoscopy revealed a 2" growth in my lower esophagus. The biopsy results came back a few days later and revealed it was cancerous. I did a CT scan and met with an oncologist a week later where I was told that the cancer had spread. I was told that without treatment my life expectancy would be 6 months. With treatment, 1-2 years. Surgery and radiation would no longer be an option at this stage. Chemotherapy begins January 6th and I am fucking terrified. This is not meant to be a pity post, but more of an open dialog about cancer and how much it fucking sucks. I'm sure in some way we've all be affected by cancer either personally, or through family and friends. What's your story? Also, I urge all of you to get screened or tested for cancer. Even if you don't show any signs or symptoms. It could save your life. On a positive note, I bought a new digital camera and lens as a "Fuck it, I have cancer" present to myself. My goal is to document what little time I have left. When it's all over my digital archive will go to a trusted friend who will see fit to publish a book.

I forgot all about this! Far left, second down. I still pretty much look the same, but with some gray hair.

Totally get it. Like I said, I’m not in this to make money. I am doing this to restore items that will furnish my own home. Most of the stuff I find are American made mid-century with veneer for under $300. Any solid wood stuff is like imported and will not only be rare, but expensive. I’m going to start with the coffee table since it’s a smaller piece. I may pick your brain at some point and send photos to get a better grasp on how to approach a decent restoration.

Bought’d

Hell yea, second row. ? wonk saggin. @misteravenSent you a PM about a code. No rush though.

Prefer not to share too much on here (locations, dates, etc), but here's a basic rundown: Spent most of my adult life working in movie theaters (projectionist), but knew I wanted to be an educator. After grad school (MFA Photography) I worked in a couple colleges as an adjunct professor. Did all the bullshit networking with other collegiate/academic folk, submitted endlessly to galleries and exhibitions (real and online) for "exposure," gave a few lectures around the country on my work, and applied to nearly 100 professor positions. All of this in an attempt to secure a tenure-track position. I was even looking in places like Iowa and Montana. Not ideal in the least, but work is work. Around 2015 I got really fucking burnt out from spending what little time and money I had on what fell like very little in return and being under appreciated. I stopped all together. I no longer teach. I no longer photograph (well...very rarely). I fell back on my design skills honed since the late 90s and used it as a career. Am I happier now? Yes and no. I loved teaching. I do miss it, but I do not fucking miss trying to kiss collegiate ass nor do I miss spending $30 a pop to maybe get into a gallery exhibition with some pretentious guest judge.

Haven't restored anything just yet. I've got some decent pieces like a coffee table, two lowboys, and a couple accent chairs. Need to read up on the best methods of stripping or lightly sanding first, then which polish or stain to go with, depending on the veneer. Don't want to fuck anything up. I've seen people grab some trashed pieces on Craigslist for $50, restoring it and getting 25x that on a resale in vintage furniture stores. Not that I want to turn around and sell anything.

She was one of the very few that got to participate in the Polaroid Pass Around back in 2005. A bummer all those scans are gone now. I'll have to go back to my old hard drives and find them. I've still got the OG black book in my collection. There was a second book I created later that year, but it got lost/stolen in transit after the second person. Still really fucking bitter about that. EDIT: Fuck, now I want to make another Polaroid Pass Around book with some of the people that missed out so long ago. ?

Bumping this from the dead. Turning 38 soon. Joined 12oz in April 2001 soon after getting a copy of The Vapors. Moved five times. Had @El Mamerrocrash at my place on his cross country drive. Met up with @jbrshmonsterat a couple Tool shows. Got some more tattoos. Graduated with three art degrees. (Ask me about student debt!) Photos published in NY Times and Huffington Post. Was an adjunct professor for a few years (photography and graphic design). Senior designer now for work. Collect lots of vinyl (records). Starting to buy and (eventually) restore mid-century furniture. Still gay AF. Asked my dude to marry me in Paris (fucking cliche, I know).

Whatever happened to Symbols. She still around? @!@#$% Also, hey to @SukiSukiNow!

This is fucking amazing. Small world. I want to know which show this was. Also, howdy 12oz. Been a long time.

Yo dude. Been fucking busy at RISD. Wrapping up my MFA soon. Been teaching photography here too. My students love the darkroom. What's new?!

Hi there. Remember me?

I usually don't ask people do this stuff, but if you have a second please vote for my Brotherhood of Bears work. Some of the work is NWS, so you know. Voting ends in a couple days. http://angryalan.see.me/onelife2011 Thanks everyone.

Handheld 4x5.

Boom.. The PPA in book form: From: angryalan.com/polaroid

I used work from my Brotherhood of Bears series. I'd rather not post the work on here, but you can see a majority of it on my website: http://angryalan.com/bears/ The work is on display in Finland right now.