I've been obsessing mentally about sex for about 10 years. Random one night stands, missed opportunites, falling short with the women I was with, older of younger. Some underage. It hit hard when I was at my peak, and didn't get it in with 50 women when I was 19.
I guess drugs got in the way. My first asked me not to use marijuana when we were dating, andI didn't even have a second thought. We were 17 and 16. Then I dealt with doubting my sexuality because of some mental and emotional problems. I experimented once, and knew that I was straight after that. Then I started hanging out with this bisexual friend of my older sister's, who was, not to my conciousness, deep in the game of turning girls and boys. I grew up in a Christian household, communed Catholic. Started using cocaine, and really and truly thought it would and had deeper faith in it, by the way, travel me along with the straighter and narrower path.
After all that, I used coke twice this year, and now I'm 27, and I'm looking back to look forward. It's the first time I've been absolutely clear and safe in my own heart, head, spirit, that I'm straight. I find myself going back to when I was a sober 11-14 year old, taking so much of my friends' and culture's beginning's high held standards, how low I was seen by those who left safely away from the dive bar years.
I'm worried about the next move with my relationships. Do I open up about my doubts? Do I tell her ever last detail? My safety 1st mentality says take it slow. I know a lot about taking it with a woman who has had years of similar emotional issues.
My drug habits are way lowered this year, and I think hard as ever about others' diversity in background about these types of things.