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You drink to forget you drink.

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by ClueTwo, Jan 4, 2004.

  1. ClueTwo

    ClueTwo Veteran Member

    Joined: Nov 30, 2001 Messages: 9,021 Likes Received: 121

    1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

    2. Always toast before doing a shot.

    3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
    4. Change your toast at least once a month.

    5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

    6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

    7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

    8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

    9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

    10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

    11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

    12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

    13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

    14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

    15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

    16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

    17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

    18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

    19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

    20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

    21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

    22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

    23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

    24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

    25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

    26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

    27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

    28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

    29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

    30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

    31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

    32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

    33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

    34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

    35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

    36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

    37. Try one new drink each week.

    38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

    39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

    40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

    41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

    42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

    43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

    44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

    45. It's okay to drink alone.

    46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

    47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

    48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

    49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

    50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

    51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

    52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

    53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

    54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

    55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

    56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

    57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

    58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

    59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

    60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

    61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

    62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

    63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

    64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

    65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

    66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

    67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

    68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

    69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

    70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

    71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

    72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

    73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

    74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
    75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

    76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

    77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

    78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

    79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

    80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

    81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

    82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

    83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

    84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

    85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

    86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
  2. Æ°

    Æ° Senior Member

    Joined: May 12, 2002 Messages: 1,974 Likes Received: 6
    These two are golden.
  3. Pinup

    Pinup Senior Member

    Joined: Mar 13, 2003 Messages: 2,208 Likes Received: 0
    oh the memories
  4. i11igul

    i11igul Senior Member

    Joined: Jun 5, 2003 Messages: 1,810 Likes Received: 0
    I knew it
  5. SmallieBigs2

    SmallieBigs2 Banned

    Joined: Dec 24, 2003 Messages: 133 Likes Received: 0

    "Yeah dog, I gets mah drink on every chance I muthafuckin get!"
  6. ClueTwo

    ClueTwo Veteran Member

    Joined: Nov 30, 2001 Messages: 9,021 Likes Received: 121
    Oh crap...I just found this and it's still got me rolling on the floor...


    [i]“Dude, I have never laughed as hard as I did last night when you intentionally vomited on that couple in the booth.”[/i]

    “Don’t you remember? At the Rio.”
    “We went to the Rio?”
    “Jesus man, yeah, right before we got thrown out and you left to walk to your ex’s house.”
    “Oh, fuck.”

    It happens to even the most moderately accomplished drinkers. In addition to an above-average hangover, you wake up with a vague feeling of unease and the sense that your memories of last night are a lot sparser than they should be. One moment it’s 11 p.m. and you’re yelling, “Fuck yeah! Wild Turkey Time! Bawk Bawk Bawk!” and the next you’re waking up on the floor next to your bed with injuries of indeterminate origin, someone else’s denim jacket and a frontal lobe trying to secede from the rest of your head. What the fuck happened?

    As you begin to piece your identity back together, a sordid tale emerges from the disjointed scraps of evidence around your room. The half-eaten economy sized bag of Chili Cheese Fritos and four melted ice cream bars suggest you stopped by a convenience store on the way home, but the shopping cart in your doorway is from Safeway, and that’s a mile and a half down the road. A slow tour of the house reveals the lights are all on, the door is wide open, the CD player is looping Air Supply at full volume, your roommate is missing and there’s a strange dog on his bed. When you finally locate your phone, you check the outgoing calls and find, with horror, that your ex-girlfriend is listed five different times between the hours of twelve and 4 a.m., interspersed by attempts to contact various family members who are no doubt feverishly planning interventions at that very moment. At this point, between the damage that you have caused your residence and reputation, and the depleted serotonin levels of your brain’s pleasure centers, you might be tempted to ask why you keep doing this to yourself, or even swear off demon rum altogether.

    And that would be a tragic mistake. The last thing that anyone should ever do is feel ashamed of blacking out. You were trying to get drunk last night and, goddamnit, mission accomplished. Sometimes we must close our minds to the horrors of the world, especially if we happen to be the father of those horrors. Do not, under any circumstances, explain yourself or apologize to anyone for your actions. Also, never admit you don’t remember anything. When you talk to witnesses who possess the unmitigated nerve to remember everything, make casual inquiries as if your were asking about the weather, not the burning of the Hindenburg. Subtly bring the topic around to the nights events and ask a lot of indirect questions to see if you can piece together what actually happened, like a detective. A sample conversation might go as follows:

    Drunk: “That was some wacky stuff last night, eh?”
    Potentially Hostile Witness: “Um, yeah, until all the trouble at Bruce's.”
    D: “Ha ha, yeah . . . when did you leave that place?”
    PHW: “I left with you, remember? I didn’t have much of a choice after you peed in the corner and got us all thrown out.”
    D: “Oh, right, yeah, ha ha, kooky, kooky stuff . . . was Kathy still with us?”
    PHW: “No, not after you puked on her. Jesus Christ, don’t you remember anything?”
    D: “Oh, no, I totally remember. I was just curious if you did.”

    The premise behind every action movie ever created is essentially the same. Evil people with nonspecific European accents kill/kidnap/hijack the wifebeater-wearing hero’s friend/family/chosen-means-of-public-transit, giving the hero an opportunity to behave in ways that would be completely unacceptable under any other circumstances. Deep down inside, everyone really wants to be able to shoot Uzi’s through large windows and jump-kick Austrians off of motorcycles, but they never get the chance. The public generally frowns upon demanding a sports car at gunpoint, engaging in a high-speed chase down city streets and firing assault weapons out the window until the car you’re chasing runs into a the ubiquitous gas truck and explodes. In movies however, because of the earlier trespasses of the villainous Euros, action stars are allowed to do things that most only experience vicariously.

    Great blackouts operate on the same basic principle. People who don’t drink to spectacular excess will never know the unique fulfillment of announcing to a full bar that the bouncer is a Hitler-lover or the convenience of urinating in a dryer. The true blackout is a complete break with the constraints of civil society and social taboos, a glorious and unchained romp through the garden of pure desire and action. Go wild, and take advantage of your chance to do what others have only guiltily imagined.

    There are a couple of preparations you can take to optimize your blackouts. First, and I’m sure you’re on top of this already, train yourself to drink far beyond your limit. Think of drinks ten through twenty as an evil cadre of kickboxing Aryan drug smugglers, who must be killed without remorse to avenge the betrayal and death of your aged karate-master. The last thing you want to do is to sober up in the midst of a sex romp with a 50-year-old bartender named Bubbles and her vast cadre of stuffed animals. Once you enter a blackout, you don’t want to come out of it until all your sordid adventures safely buried in the murky past.

    Second, use a technique I call ‘planting the seed.’ Early in the evening, while you’re still somewhat restrained, try to think of things that you wouldn’t ever do, but would kind of like to. Things like “Someone should piss on that motherfucker’s porch,” “If that fucking band plays one more Eagles songs I’m going to seize the microphone, identify myself as the Commadante of Good Taste and launch into a spirited rendition of ‘Brass Monkey,’ or “If I could get up enough speed, I bet I could sprint down the bartop, leap over the taps, grab the chandelier, and swing right out the door like a goddamn pirate.”

    Next thing you know, the “Porch,” “Desperado Brawl” and “Ass Kicked by By the Entire Bar” stories will become permament parts of your social group’s lore. And when you think about it, isn’t that all that really matters?
    Try to make your next one a blackout worth trying to remember.
  7. metallix

    metallix Elite Member

    Joined: Oct 7, 2001 Messages: 2,955 Likes Received: 1
    you alcoholics are retarded
  8. Sk8trBOI!

    Sk8trBOI! Banned

    Joined: Dec 4, 2002 Messages: 98 Likes Received: 0
    i think they are funny ;)
  9. Nafe sheeps*

    Nafe sheeps* New Jack

    Joined: Oct 23, 2003 Messages: 81 Likes Received: 0
  10. ClueTwo

    ClueTwo Veteran Member

    Joined: Nov 30, 2001 Messages: 9,021 Likes Received: 121
    Sounds like you might be scared...

  11. basil fawlty

    basil fawlty New Jack

    Joined: Jul 29, 2003 Messages: 48 Likes Received: 0
    ha ha ha, all so true.


  12. caL

    caL Senior Member

    Joined: Feb 7, 2003 Messages: 2,056 Likes Received: 0
    "ahhh why does my head hurt so much and who is this im sleeping next to?"

  13. dr.testical

    dr.testical Senior Member

    Joined: May 26, 2003 Messages: 1,236 Likes Received: 0
  14. Devilush

    Devilush 12oz Legend

    Joined: Feb 1, 2001 Messages: 17,035 Likes Received: 2