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www.lowbrow.com

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by vinyl junkie, May 2, 2003.

  1. vinyl junkie

    vinyl junkie Elite Member

    Joined: Jan 17, 2002 Messages: 4,725 Likes Received: 0
    www.lowbrow.com

    every time you load the page a different story comes up... these are all submitted by readers, and it's totally random which comes up... the stories are dedicated to "low brow humor"... stories involving sex, shitting, and booze seem to be the standard...
    i've been looking at this site for over a year, and i've had it set as my homepage for a few months...
    fucking hilarious...
    here are some of the best i've seen in the last few days...

    *****
    my little sister borught her new boyfriend home from college. my boyfriend was away at college. my sister left him with me while she went to the mall. I gave him head.

    *****

    The best dump I ever took - as dumps are taken - was just outside of Amarillo Texas. I left it - a particularly mean and firm composite of a few days - smoking beside the dark and windy highway like an evil meteor. It was righeous. Not so much the thing itself but the relief thereafter.


    But the coolest turd of all time I found in Northern California on a log in the prairie. It was glittering in the sunlight from a hundred yards away and upon inspection was a tubular mash of grashopper carcasses - firm and shiny and crushed. Bigger than a human turd. Must have been a bear or mountain lion, anyway. Talk about fiber.

    *****

    I frequently buy 30-pack crave cases of jalapeno cheeseburgers at White Castle. They're great to reheat in the oven at 325 and taste even better a little bit crunchy.

    When you fart or shit after eating them, it smells exactly like the White Castles.


    I hope I meet some shit fetishists that think it's funny that my kitchen and bathroom smell exactly the same, because nobody else does.

    *****

    try this for fun!one night i caught a cockroach and dunked it in a shot of jack daniels. i pulled it out after 5 seconds and the roach was on it's back with it's legs up in the air! i thought it was dead and continued drinking 2 minutes later the roach is back on it's feet. it wasn't dead! it passed out. i put the roach in an empty fish tank. it's now my pet. it eats dog food and if it doesn't have alcohol in it's tank it gets really pissed, but otherwise it's cool. he's been alive for a year and watching him get hammered is great when you have people over.

    *****

    Ever had someone take a festering dump in your car? I have...


    Driving back from prom, I got stuck driving my buddy's whacked-out girlfriend home. The girl was beyond drunk. At one point during the ride, she gets this big, shit-eating grin on her face and starts babbling incoherently. About 20 seconds later she hikes up her dress, spreads her legs and dumps all over the front passenger seat of my mother's car.


    The best part of the evening came an hour later, when I was down on my hands and knees in the 7-11 parking lot trying to clean up the mess. This trucker comes up behind me, puts his hand on my shoulder and says, "Yeah, I've had nights like that too".

    *****

    It's my first day of classes at Community College. I'm sitting at my desk as the teacher makes us tell a little bit about yourself and what you've done over the summer. Ya know, just like when you were in the 2nd grade.


    So this one kid stands up and says "My names Ed and I am taking 18 hours this semester. I plan on majoring in aerospace engineering."


    He sits down and the girl behind him stands and says in her best country drawl "My names Jenny, and I'm just taking this here class so ah can stay on ma dad's insurance until ah have tha baby."


    Ohh god, it's going to be a long semester.

    *****

    I was on a cramped elevator in a mall once. It was me and my friend, a middle aged couple, and elderly couple, and two kids. Just before the door shuts, two "large" women get on. The doors will no longer close. after a second or so, one of the kids pipes up, "the door wont close, cause there's too much weight in here." So the two women who just got on, smile, and leave. The doors close, elevator moves, everythings normal. I few uncomfortable seconds go by, in which i'm trying (and doing a good job) of holding in my laughter, looking at the kids, expecting them to laugh. Then all of a sudden, the old man to my right starts laughing his ass off. With him breaking the silence, everone follows suit, and joins him.

    A good laugh was had by all.

    All i can think is that if me, my friend, or one of those two kids had been the first to laugh, we would've gotten some dirty looks.

    I can't wait till I get old, you can get away with fucking anything.


    Like wearing plaid pants.

    *****

    the guy i was working with dropped his smokes into a can of polyurathane

    he fished them out and set them outside to dry

    i asked if he was really going to smoke them

    he said naw, those are the ones i give to people who bum smokes off of me, i tell them i get them up in canada

    *****

    Found a basketball in my front yard. Took it around back, cut a hole in it, filled it up most of the way with water, superglued the hole closed. Left it back on the front yard where I found it.

    And when the kid who lost it tried to dribble it when he discovered where he'd left it, I could hearing the bitching all the way upstairs.

    *****

    So he's as happy as Larry? Concluding that Larry is happy of course. What happens if Larry isn't happy? That would bring down the whole equalibrium! We'd be in a state of turmoil and distruction just because one damn knome can't stay happy for one goddamn life time!! What is the world coming too when a once light-hearted comment about how happy someone was becomes a sarcastic put down? "Yeah mate- he's happy. 'Bout as happy as Larry!" "Who's Larry?" "That Godforsaken garden knome who couldn't be 'Mary-fucking-Sunshine' 24/7".

    *****

    So there we sit, two 20 something pizza delivery boys (one is married) and myself, a 20 year old girl who's only reason to wake up is to grab something ot eat and smoke a bowl or two. Anyway, we are bummed. We tried to get some X tonight, but our drug dealer, a high shcool kid, can't be out past 9:30 on school nights.

    *****

    50% of all the people you know are below average.

    *****

    Me: In my thirties, dressed in 501's, denim shirt, and Redwing workboots; short spiky hair and clean-shaven.

    Her: In her fifties, Dressed in cotton dress and full of her own pretentiousness.


    My friend introduces us and tells her that I'm a poet.

    YOU'RE a poet??? she asks disbelievingly, looking me up and down like I had failed some unspoken code of attire or grooming for How A Poet Is Supposed To Look.


    Without missing a beat, I replied, absolutely deadpan: "Yeah, I'm a poet.

    The cat


    Shat


    In the hat.


    You like it? I wrote it this morning while I was sitting on the shitter.



    Her stupid livestock-looking face with its open-mouthed silence and look of utter horror were priceless.


    Bitch.


    I went on-stage for my reading and poured armeggedon, orgasm, blood, rain, fire, laughter, tears, suicide, death, springtime, and love from the pages and then made my way back to my gritty coffee, feeling vindicated. When it was her turn to read, she turned her back to walk to the stage. I spit in her coffee and laughed to myself in the dark, both at spitting in her coffee and at her trite and pathetic sing-song teen-angst tripe.

    *****

    I suppose it might not be considered "couth" to have anal sex in the bed of a stranger when you are staying in his apartment as the guest of his roommate.


    I've never been one to consult Emily Post before I stick it in, though.

    *****

    one time i was all set to hump the night away with a gorgeous girl i had only just met. in a tent in a canyon in arizona.

    she wanted to get cocked but i didnt so i faked a few sips of her rock-nasty vodka and juice. she got hammered. then we smoked a doob of some really great hee-ha from northern ca. she proceeded to go berserk.


    just as she threw me down and started to rip my shirt i foolishly said 'dont get woozy'. she bolted upright and dived for the door of the tent - stuck her head out and power puked.


    she slept all night, in a ball, her ass in the air, her head out of the tent on the soft read earth - just before her pool of vomit. and it lightly rained on her pretty head though she never woke.


    irritated with myself (not knowing the next day we would finally get a real taste of each other) i beat off that night while staring at her ass.

    *****

    The last day of Anatomy class before Spring Break, we just finished studying the digestive system. My professor ended the class with :

    "you've made it, you're out of the anus. Now have a good break"
     
  2. oldenglish

    oldenglish Banned

    Joined: Apr 3, 2003 Messages: 1,308 Likes Received: 0
    I went out of state to have a crew meeting.

    and all we did was smoke like 2 ounces of weed and eat drink and paint shit.

    wait.....we shot guns and drank and drove alot as well.

    tried to roll a blunt from a cigar that came from chris farley.

    anyway............

    i couldnt take a dump until i got back to the oakland airport.

    thing was like 3 feet long it seemed.

    felt so goooooooooooooooood.

    followed by a bart ride home and really good sex chased with a forty of old gold.
     
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