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wonder why i didn't... (warning ADD kids, this is long)

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by vinyl junkie, May 25, 2004.

  1. vinyl junkie

    vinyl junkie Elite Member

    Joined: Jan 17, 2002 Messages: 4,725 Likes Received: 0
    [edit] the writing refered to in here is not graff...[/edit]

    sometimes i wonder if i should have taken everyone’s advice and tried to be a real writer.
    not that i think my writing is super good (although i admit i get more and more pleased every time i write something new) but i am willing to put more effort into it than just about anything else.
    i don’t research new art techniques unless i see something that i really like and want to emulate.
    i don’t research new ways to play or write music unless, again, i am trying to emulate something.
    but when i write, i spend more time researching than actually writing. and not researching shit so i can copy it, but simply for my own self advancement.

    i’ll spend hours just going through a dictionary looking for words i don’t know. something in the definition will lead me several hundred pages back, to look at another word. this will go on and on, sometimes for hours, and i’ll end up with only a handful of words that i am interested in and want to use at some point.
    i was doing that tonight, and eventually landed on the word cerebrospinal.
    now that gets me into the other part of the research. that word, cerebrospinal, has now led me on a search through tons of medical text books and websites to find out how the nervous system works, and how it can be effected by internal and external forces, and how it is connected to the rest of the body.
    i spent hours doing that tonight. i still am. and all the information i’ve taken in, and taken notes on, and studied, much like a medical student would, is all gonna be condensed into nothing. maybe fifty lines of poetry, where i could have just as easily substituted easy words- words i already knew, and that others would understand. and i could have made the simple nose to brain, stomach to brain, lungs to brain, blood to brain highways, instead of trying to find all the pathways and receptors and shit.

    i spent hours doing that tonight. i still am. and here’s the thing that makes me think i should have listened: i don’t regret wasting all that time. all that time was spent so that i can be happier with the final product. so that i can know that it turned out exactly the way i wanted it to and just "as close as i could get it".

    another example would be how i spent three days (in between classes and shit) reading up on how rust works. in the end it all got used in two lines, describing rust eating through a robot’s cheek. i still never felt like that time was wasted.

    so why didn’t i decide on this for a living?

    i’ve had teachers telling me for the last eight years or so that i should pursue this.
    i’ve friends and strangers tell me how much they like what i wrote (i’ve had more than one person tell me my writing made them cry, which is, i think, the best compliment i have gotten in my entire life).
    i had an english teacher come up to me last year and say: "i know you write outside of class. i want to see it".
    so i gave him a copy of my most recent zine a couple days later. a couple weeks after that he walks up and hands me a stack of papers. he tells me who he sent copies of the zine to, and what schools they teach at. he tells me that the stack of papers is all scholarship forms, scholarships he guarantees me i could get.
    this was about a year ago, so the zine i gave him was about six months old then. a year and a half old now. i read it the other day, and compared to my writing that i am doing and excited about now, it sucks. out of about 25 or 30 pieces in that zine, there are, i think, two that i would ever consider printing again. so i can only imagine what he would say now.

    so why didn’t i go with this? maybe the thought of actually being successful at something scared me; i mean, when this shit with the teacher happened i was in my fourth year at community college, having only passed a handful of classes that whole time. maybe it was because i’d watched my uncle bring himself to tears because he was writing item descriptions for catalogs and not doing book signing tours like his wife. maybe it was because the one girl i’ve ever really loved went to school as a creative writing major, and came back a junkie and even crazier than when she left. maybe it was because i had actually made a little money off my music and art, while all the writing i’d had published barely paid enough to cover my costs of sending it to the publisher.

    i don’t know. i don;t think i regret it; i’m having fun doing what i’m doing now, and i can see myself doing it for the rest of my life, and besides that, i am so in debt with this current venture that dropping it now for something else would cripple me for years and years.

    whatever... here’s what all those hours of research tonight led up to:

    stave off loneliness
    with fantasies of heroism
    or infamy
    or anything that means
    i’m more than a puddle
    being ground into
    level loop olefin
    by unaware converse
    and imported heels
    riparian bodies oblivious

    dive in head first
    sweep the puddle
    to a concentrated corner
    where i can imagine myself
    some form

    fragments of flowers float
    through cerebrospinal fluids

    a bitter drink
    bleeds through my stomach
    dissolving in water
    and flows through my veins

    powder seeps through
    mucous membranes
    only to plunge into blood

    a liquid is poured
    straight into a vein

    and a tar settles
    to coat my lungs
    the gasses skipping
    all stops to my brain

    and i’m back in the world where i matter
    i’m kickin ass and taking names
    i’m the center of attention
    i’m the one buying
    everyone’s drinks
    my phone never stops ringing
    and my door is beaten down
    everybody loves me
    or everybody hates me
    but everybody knows my name

    and when i come back
    i’m somehow back in my house
    back in my room
    melting again
    into that puddle
    with a tendril and a cigarette
    hanging out the window
    i can hear you’re just
    as lonely and me
    but we can’t talk about that
    so a stick in the mud reaches
    for that pill and glass of water
    and before too long
    the clicks of your lighter
    become the footsteps
    of my followers
    and your falling cigarette
    becomes the bomb that’ll kill us all
  2. WhiteOx

    WhiteOx Elite Member

    Joined: Sep 4, 2003 Messages: 3,691 Likes Received: 0
    i got thrown of , thinking you were talking about writing graffiti

    um... i like some parts of the poem..just go with it
  3. Vanity

    Vanity Veteran Member

    Joined: Apr 11, 2000 Messages: 7,673 Likes Received: 6
    well, you're no rakim.. but i got beef w/ poetry anyway.

    like the only straight up 'poem' i was ever impressed by was the jabberwhocky

    in any event, it sounds like it's a productive thing for you to do, whether it's for a living or not. yeah, perhaps you're afraid of success.. plenty are. or afraid of failure if they apply themselves, that is.

    so just keep doing it. you can always go for it once you get a lil grip in your pocket.

    good luck w/ the school thing.

    TURBOCAPSLOK Elite Member

    Joined: Dec 4, 2003 Messages: 2,550 Likes Received: 1
  5. gfreshsushi

    gfreshsushi Senior Member

    Joined: Sep 21, 2003 Messages: 2,244 Likes Received: 1
    that's it. i give up. just give me a shit-ton of your poetry and that'll be the lyrics for the band, because my shit sucks compared to yours. we'll sit down and format it together to make sure you'll be into it.

    seriously fucker. we'll change all the lyrics before we rerecord the cd when clint gets back.

    ps i'm serious.

    pps how does rust work?
  6. GucciCondom

    GucciCondom Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 29, 2003 Messages: 5,558 Likes Received: 168
    yeah the only thing I was thinking after reading all that was how does rust work. :lol:
  7. cultural me

    cultural me Member

    Joined: May 1, 2002 Messages: 911 Likes Received: 8
    i got a similar situation, except not with poetry and im to lazy to write. i should write and im told i should write but the fact is, when it comes down to me writing for my own enjoyment rather then an assignment or somthing someones asked me to do, i just dont do it.

    so you 1uped me there. if you enjoy then fuckin do it, those are my heroes. anyone that makes a living doing what they love, or at very least, enjoy and dont feel time has been wasted.

    although this is where i would normal pour my infinite wisdom upon your feeble mind, i dont have any. i aint gone frather then once upon a time...

    stick with it.
  8. vinyl junkie

    vinyl junkie Elite Member

    Joined: Jan 17, 2002 Messages: 4,725 Likes Received: 0
    well shit... how rust works:

    short version: when water hits iron the water mixes with carbon dioxide in the air and forms a carbonic acid... the acid forms and dissolves the iron, some of the water breaks down into hydrogen and oxygen... then the oxygen released from the water mixes with the dissolved iron and turns into iron oxide* and also release electrons... the electrons move on to another piece of the iron and (i think, i'm a little shady on this part) attract more carbonic acid... boom... rust...

    *on a related note, when you look at analog audio tape, the brown color comes from a coating of ferric oxide, aka iron oxide, aka rust... it's the rust that gets organized into waves by the magnet in a record head...

    ps, gfresh: you realize that whole thing is about me being a junkie, yeah? can we put it right befor your songs about the evils of tv?


    cheers fuckers...

    incidently, today, the day after writing all the shit in this thread, that same teacher sent me an email saying he wants to publish some things i gave him back then... weird...
  9. fermentor666

    fermentor666 Veteran Member

    Joined: Sep 27, 2003 Messages: 8,152 Likes Received: 15
    rust ( P ) Pronunciation Key (rst)

    1. Any of various powdery or scaly reddish-brown or reddish-yellow hydrated ferric oxides formed on iron and iron-containing materials by low-temperature oxidation in the presence of water.
    2. Any of various metallic coatings, especially oxides, formed by corrosion.
    3. A stain or coating resembling iron rust.
    4. Deterioration, as of ability, resulting from inactivity or neglect.
    5. Botany.
    1. Rust fungus.
    2. A plant disease caused by a rust fungus, characterized by reddish or brownish spots on leaves, stems, and other parts.
    6. A strong brown.

    Nice poem, man. Dictionary.com is a good reference guide if you're ever sitting at a computer writing and you have a word you think will sound real good but you're not sure how to spell it or if it is a real word. Writing can help you sort things out in your head, keep it up.
  10. vinyl junkie

    vinyl junkie Elite Member

    Joined: Jan 17, 2002 Messages: 4,725 Likes Received: 0
    i much prefer www.m-w.com
    merriam-webster's site...

    but word, cheers...
  11. GucciCondom

    GucciCondom Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 29, 2003 Messages: 5,558 Likes Received: 168
    haha good lookin out on the rust knowledge.

    And what cultural said..I get the same shit. Just sitting down to write gives me no enjoyment but when I have to write essays and such they are usually the shit depending on my mood and how lazy I feel. I been hearing the shit from my teachers about how I should write since back in the elementary school days winning young authors awards. I think that is why I like writing rhymes a lot. It's writing but you don't have to write as much as you would with a book or whatever. Also, you can have more fun with it. I know one day I will do something with writing either books or songs cus that shits just been my gift my whole life.
  12. GucciCondom

    GucciCondom Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 29, 2003 Messages: 5,558 Likes Received: 168
    And Vinyl Junkie, you don't make much off of getting your poems published? I remember there was this kid in my class a long time ago who was getting his poems published in big poem books compiled of all kinds of writers for like $150 a pop.
  13. vinyl junkie

    vinyl junkie Elite Member

    Joined: Jan 17, 2002 Messages: 4,725 Likes Received: 0
    cultural and gucci- that's the thing... i hate writing when i have to... i have never done well with essays and shit at school...
    if i have to do it, i'll put it off; if i don;t have to do it, i'll totally geek out on it...

    and i've gotten paid decently for it, and i've gotten completely fucked as well (this was 5 years ago i think, and it still pisses me off... and the company is still making money off it)... it all depends...
  14. gfreshsushi

    gfreshsushi Senior Member

    Joined: Sep 21, 2003 Messages: 2,244 Likes Received: 1
    i'm bout it. seriously.
  15. non-hetero

    non-hetero Member

    Joined: Jun 20, 2002 Messages: 685 Likes Received: 14
    I'm on the first page!