Vulgar Lists

From a website I found. I'm bored.Actions at work and explanations to your boss

1. You kill twelve customers and then eat them all. "Well ya see, I don't really remember you telling me not to kill and eat twelve customers".

2. You pee on people as they walk into your place of business. "So you're telling me I'm not supposed to pee on customers? Well, that clears things right up".

3. You come into work 30 pounds under weight and barely able to move. "Can I have a raise? I blew everything I got on heroin last week and haven't eaten since."

4. You walk around your place of business with a screw driver in a cocked position closely following your boss. "O.K., here's the thing, ya see I just can't seem to stop trying to shove this screw driver in the back of your head so umm, why don't you try to not turn your back to me for the rest of the day."

5. You hit blind people. "I don't think I need to explain myself. I mean come on, dark glasses, stupid little white cane, who the hell does he think he is anyways?"

6. You repeatedly stick solid objects in your mouth and then inhale them. "Ya see, you really wouldn't think it'd hurt that bad now would ya?"

7. You tattoo 666's all over your body, march about, and begin construction on a makeshift torture chamber. "Um yeah, didn't you tell me to do this? Oh, you said type up the Johnson report! Well, I just misunderstood then. "

8. You have a tendency to ram people full speed with your head. "Um, I'm sorry. I dropped my pen."

9. You keep running children over while pulling into the parking lot. "Wouldn't ya think they'd try to stay out of the way a little more when the see the spikes I put on my bumper?"

10. You constantly moo. "Moooooooooooooooooooo!"

11. You have this nasty habit of giving birth at your desk. "Here...could you hold this? Thanks. "

12. Every day you enlist your co-workers to help you dislodge an increasingly larger object from your rectum. "I fell in the shower, and I was ummmm, just using that coat rack to umm.............the shower".

13. You light fire to various objects, laughing hysterically after every new blaze. "Come on, boss, you know there's a pyro at every job."

14. In the middle of your office you cut off your hand and replace it with a large metal hook. "I figured I'd work more productively like this. And yes I'll clean up."

15. You attempt to collect stool samples from everyone in the office. "Hey, did eat at Burger King last night?"

Items that just missed in "Life's Little Instruction Book"

1. Flush only once every three times. Inner truth can be found in day old wastes.

2. Go to work with no clothes on as many times as possible, always using the "I thought it was a dream" excuse. Excuses enlighten the mind.

3. Don't yell racial slurs at a big man of another race unless you have a gun.

4. Get into the habit of spitting.

5. Burritos give you gas. If you are in a non-gas environment, you should not eat burritos. Because they give you gas.

6. Try to hold a boner as long as possible. It will release the pressure from your mind.

7. Never learn to hoola-hoop.

8. Crabs, herpes, and anal warts are generally accepted in Trinidad and Tobago.

9. Try to take advantage of any diseases you have. Sell peaks at any rashes or dots you have.

10. Talk for your pets and pretend like it is really them talking.

11. Kill someone that gave you a bad first impression. Because you never get a second chance to make a first impression, and that guy deserves to die.

12. Learn the smell of all body fluids, (i.e., urine, semen, blood, intestine juice, etc.) by heart.

13. See if anybody is interested in buying your body. Its good to feel wanted.

14. Never win fairly. Try to prove people wrong when they say cheaters never prosper.

15. Secretly take naked pictures of people. Hang them up at your place of work.

16. Try to get through life moving as little as possible.

17. Carry a loaded gun with you at all times. Threaten to shoot people when ever you get a chance. Threats provide the road to true happiness.

18. If you're going to say something insulting, be extra loud and as vulgar as possible. This way rumors will not be able to exaggerate what you have said.

19. Never tip your hooker. That way you'll have more money for next time.

20. If you feel the need for something to say during odd silences, proclaim "What in the hell er you looking at shithead?".

bump for laughing out loud in the middle of class, fucker..

You walk around your place of business with a screw driver in a cocked position closely following your boss. "O.K., here's the thing, ya see I just can't seem to stop trying to shove this screw driver in the back of your head so umm, why don't you try to not turn your back to me for the rest of the day."

Originally posted by bobobi11

11. You have this nasty habit of giving birth at your desk. "Here...could you hold this? Thanks. "

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!