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Vice Guide to Eating Pussy

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by Weapon X, May 27, 2003.

  1. Weapon X

    Weapon X 12oz Loyalist

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    Vice Guide to Eating Pussy

    Discussion started by Weapon X - May 27, 2003

    THE VICE GUIDE TO EATING PUSSY

    Men SUCK at eating pussy.....not because they don't like it but because
    it's really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the
    key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later
    on), so it's time we broke it down, like this..

    The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best
    sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can't read the emotional road
    signs, you're going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial
    wasteland until, eventually you drop from exhaustion, hot tears running
    down your face.
    Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, "although i am about to
    rock your insides with 3000 ibs. of explosives, heres a little intimate
    treat session to show you how i really feel." Instead of screaming "OH MY
    GAWD!!" like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking
    should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous
    "ooooohhmygaawdooohmygodohmygod", kind of being massaged with exotic
    fruits by a muscular Arab oil shiek. A good mange (that's french for eats
    you brutes) is like a thousand years of saturdays or a "calgon, take me
    away" as....break it down.

    1-BE DOWN
    don't go down unless....yur down! Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never
    be done as a favor. Doing it when you don't want to will only bring on the
    dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get
    forgiven.

    2-DON'T SAY HI TO DRY
    A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back
    to the kissing and hugging for a while. Just make sure you actually dip
    your finger the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia
    and a little fingerial coaxing is all that's needed to get the honey
    dripping.
    Once you're sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light teasing strokes
    with your finger. There's nothing worse than rushinginto this, so make
    sure she's really begging for it before you get under the covers.
    EXTRA TIP: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can
    share like a 1950's milkshake with 2 straws.
    IMPORTANT: Don't play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all
    the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penatration and kill
    the tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a womyn's pleasure is about
    yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.

    3-SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY
    Once she's lathered up, it's time to go down. Get your fingers out of
    there and don't touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of
    grinding and get some last minute necking in like you're going away on
    holiday!
    Though it's very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your
    head (huh?) like the little mole-man (or woman) that you are, this is a
    very bad idea. It get's super hot down there and whipping the duvet cover
    off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty
    much going to kill the mood. Start kissing her breasts and stomach and
    slowly, working your way down. Don't get carried away with tits....that's
    something you should of taken care of before the pants even came off.
    Right now, it's all about the stomach and the inner thighs. A little bit
    of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and
    move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right
    up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head for the other
    knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you
    alot of pussy eating time in the long run. (unless of course you LOOOOOVE
    to eat pussy.)
    When you're just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that
    weird crevice next to the lips. Don't spend too long or she might start to
    think you think that's the actual cunt.
    By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you're doing it
    right, she'll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs.
    Stretch this phase out until she looks like she's been holding her breath
    for three days.
    EXTRA TRICK: hover over the bush for about 5 seconds before the first
    lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you're having second
    thoughts because it smells bad. Of course we all know the mutha-fuckah
    smells sweeter thana bowl of steamin crawdaddies!
    IMPORTANT: NEVER bite the cunt in anyway whatsoever. If it needs more
    explaining than that, then you should just stick to jerking off.

    4-PARTING THE RED SEAS
    Isolate your playing feild. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the
    cavity creeps are to dental hygiene. You're never going to be able to
    identify all of the parts is she looks like that PIL album 'that what is
    not.' One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is
    all set up for you like a great big buffet.

    5-THE GRAND ENTRANCE
    Do your first lick super slow. It's good to groan and moan too. It shows
    you're digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right
    up to her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to
    the fur. Do about a dozen of these "st bernard licks" before moving on
    (take it really slow like four second per lick). this is a good time to
    figure out what kind of clit she has. If it's real sensitive she'll
    probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you're probably in
    for an easy ride. If theres no reaction when you graze over her clit, she
    probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you're in for a
    thirty minute session of tongue-tendinitis.

    6-ROCK THE BOAT
    eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If
    you're getting tired of being a ballerina boy, take it out on the
    clit! Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her
    uncomfortable and show the lil' bastard who's boss.
    After all, Mr. Elusive is precisley what makes muff diving so difficult.
    He's surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure
    can pop him over the side. All of a sudden you're giving the pee hole the
    seeing to of it's life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of
    earlobes. When you push down on the area he's the only one who can't be
    squished. Once one of your tongue trooper find him, call for
    reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all
    your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit
    of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a
    couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude
    later.
    EXTRA IMPORTANT TIP: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your
    entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.

    7-IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE
    After the slow licks it's time to get this party started. There are
    essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and
    ones that dont. The latter suck about as much as a one inch penis and you
    should sump her right away.
    EXTRA TIP: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that
    doesn't really tell you much. all of them want to be treated slow and soft
    in the beginning but the only way to tel if you can go fast at the end is
    by reading her reactions. This is imppossible to teach but just do the
    best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and "OH
    my GOD" means bring it on.

    8a-CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER
    These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is
    the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him
    from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now
    he's on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber
    in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue
    bonk. He's not going to tell you shit because he's a clit and he has no
    idea what you're talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few
    teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat him senseless like a boxer whaking
    a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it's too much, ease up on the
    interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great
    way to bring her to orgasm, but it's a bit much sometimes, so mix things
    up with soem circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.
    As you're closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the
    subject a relentless head smacking. Up_and_downies are usually the most
    effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few
    side_to_sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it.
    Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You're almost home and this is not the
    time to start changing tactics.
    EXTRA TIP: Tp keep the rythym going, try repeating a chant in your head
    that goes with the movement of your tongue like a mic mac indian
    (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistant action may throw
    her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes,
    which is bad for morale.
    IMPORTANT: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn't
    over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she's
    multi-orgasmic you'll have to keep going until you've done the whole
    routine another four or five times. If you're not sure what to do, just
    keep keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off.

    8b-CLITS THAT DON"T
    Some clits don't want to be singled out and battered around. These are the
    boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. just do the
    occasional St. Bernard lick until she comes, pure and simple. If your
    getting bored, try going in a different direction for a while. A good way
    to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with
    the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at a half and hour here pal,
    and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn't
    come, you're going to be in a foul mood, so if it's too much work, move
    on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people
    have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when
    period week comes around.

    9-THE CONCLUSION
    Once you're done (totally finished) she's going to want you out of there
    pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out
    your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy, carpet. Make sure
    you don't move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just
    let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come
    up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the
    condom on and take her from the quarters of prince muhammad muhammad
    saddat to the cockpit of an f-15.

    Christi Bradnox

    -----------------------------------
    E X T R A B O N U S T R A C K S
    -----------------------------------
    1-getting fired.....If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start
    pulling you up, you've just been sacked. She'll tell you she never comes
    from that anyway, but the truth is you suck at sucking. Just give her a
    jolly good rogering and look at the whole thing as a learning experience.
    Later you can ask what the problem was so you can get it right next time.
    If you're really lame, you can ask her for a regular play by play from the
    broadcast booth. A bit of the old
    "slow-down-you're-going-to-fast-yeah-there-like-that-oh-that's-perfect"
    can turn even the john wayne bobbit of pussy eaters into a Doug Hart.

    2-the power lunch
    Nothing keeps you in the game and makes her cum harder than a mid-fuck
    munch. Pulling out in the middle of the race may leave her a bit confused,
    but it's a great way for all you premature ejaculators to simmer down a
    bit and it reminds her neglected clitors that he's a somebody! If after a
    few seconds, she still isn't into you can save face by pretending you just
    couldn't give it up and get back to the boff.
    EXTRA TIP: Unless you like the taste of your own latex covered dink, keep
    your mid-fuck snacking to the upper clit region and stay away from the
    hole.

    3-the bottom
    Fingers: if you are dealing with a particularly saucey vixen she may want
    something in her bum. A thumb gives you the best leeway, but keep in mind
    you are doing a raunchy thing and this should be saved until the end.
    Incidentally, if you're trying to introduce a bum finger as a good thing,
    try eeeking it in during orgasm. If it doesn't wreck everything you could
    ahve a pavlovian response on you hands for the rest of the relationship.
    HOLE:
    We're not going to get into licking the actual hoop in this article
    because if you're into that, you're way too advanced for this seminar and
    should have graduated with a PHD in pussy years ago.
    CHEEKS:
    Bum cheek rubbing is always good. There are over five hundred thousand
    nerve endings on those cheeks, so giving them a good squeeze or a slap
    while you lick the pussy will get you instant results.

    4-THE DOUBLE WHAMMY
    Though some idiots say it takes away from when you actually put in the
    dink, simultaneous fingering is a great way to totally blow her mind.
    Think of it as the crack cocaine of cunilingus.

    5-BEING KNACKERED
    Tongue exhaustion is the number one cause of abandoned manging but there
    are many ways to avoid it. Like we said, useing your tongue as an
    inanimate object is a great way to give it a rest. Stick it out as far as
    you can go and tense it. Then bite into it with your teeth and move it
    around the cunt using your neck muscles. Another solution is simply use
    your fingers on the clit while you give your mouth a rest.
     
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  2. effyoo

    effyoo 12oz Elite Member

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    effyoo - Replied May 27, 2003

    Yo! I just read that! I bet I know where you found it.


    *
    because if you're into that, you're way too advanced for this seminar and
    should have graduated with a PHD in pussy years ago.

    Ding!Ding!Ding!*

    one of lifes underrated passtimes
     
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  3. Weapon X

    Weapon X 12oz Loyalist

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    Weapon X - Replied May 27, 2003

    haha, a couple of random clicks at lowbrow. i thought i might get away with it.
     
    Weapon X - Rank: 12oz Loyalist - Messages:
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  4. effyoo

    effyoo 12oz Elite Member

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    effyoo - Replied May 27, 2003

    Its good info none the less. I wish I had read that when I was 17.
     
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  5. Weapon X

    Weapon X 12oz Loyalist

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    Weapon X - Replied May 27, 2003

    yes, that was my favourite part of the article for probably the same reasons.
     
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  6. Daze One Million

    Daze One Million 12oz Elite Member

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    Daze One Million - Replied May 27, 2003

    not to toot my own horn but all this to me anyway is a no brainer...anyway i love girls
     
    Daze One Million - Rank: 12oz Elite Member - Messages:
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  7. effyoo

    effyoo 12oz Elite Member

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    effyoo - Replied May 27, 2003

    haha.
    I meant the whole thing in general, not just the part that that snippet as referring to.

    Ok, kids read up and go show your ladyfriends what you learned.
     
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  8. metallix

    metallix 12oz Elite Member

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    metallix - Replied May 27, 2003

    good satirical, humurous article. i wont eat pussy unless i know its clean and where its been.
     
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  9. DavidSilver

    DavidSilver 12oz Junior Member

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    DavidSilver - Replied May 27, 2003

    "pussy smells like it just woke up"
     
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  10. the_gooch

    the_gooch 12oz Loyalist

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    the_gooch - Replied May 27, 2003


    i couldn't agree with you more!

    "ya gotta toast your bread before you put the butter on it!"

    know what i mean??

    i made that quote up...haha
     
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  11. fukumuhfukas

    fukumuhfukas New Jack

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    fukumuhfukas - Replied May 27, 2003

    HAHAHAHA jesus! this was one of the funniest things i've ever read. Clever metaphors and a damn good topic. This could be a college paper or some shit!
     
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  12. IDrinkSprite

    IDrinkSprite 12oz Senior Member

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    IDrinkSprite - Replied May 29, 2003

    i suck at eating pussy.i tried it for the first time yesterday:(
     
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  13. crave

    crave 12oz Veteran Member

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    crave - Replied May 29, 2003

    ^^
    :lol:

    in all seriousness, i really enjoyed that article. eating pussy for most people takes practice. or at the least learning what your lover wants. a good teacher is always helpful as well.
     
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  14. shaolinmasta

    shaolinmasta 12oz Veteran Member

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    shaolinmasta - Replied Jun 2, 2003

    [​IMG]
     
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