Uncomfortable Situations

i was inspired by the wacking at work thread..

lets hear 'em..

could be anything..sex related..near death.....public speaking..

mine..

the old man caught me slappin' petey when i was a teenager.

he said sorry about 15 times super fast as he shut the door.

later we had to sit at the dinner table and have my mom ask

me how my day went and what i did, all while my old man sat

directly across the table from me. good times.

another time i was insanely hungover from a long night of mixing

draft beer and whiskey. on teh bus home i had this incredible build

up of gas which started to concern me since i felt as if i would

explode. this made me feel nauseous as well. so i decided to hold it in

which then resulted in me feeling worse. it also resulted in me

turning white/greenish and sweating like crazy. the greatest part of this was

i was sitting directly across from 6 hot as hell girls who i felt were staring

at me the whole time. finally it got so bad that i

got off at the next stop and proceeded to frantically

find a spot to explode shit everywhere. i ended up at the side

of somebodies house in broad daylight. i then walked the rest

of the way home without my shirt feeling quite fantastic.

dude, gross..

Yea, gross, banned.

just kidding...

got drunk and puked

all over several strangers.

never felt guilty for it

until now. thanks.

I hosted a party once at my place without realizing there was a bench warrant out for me. The cops showed up which I thought was for the music and big clouds of weed smoke but it was to haul my ass away from my own party.

I was playing poker with my in-laws and went all in by saying "I'm balls deep on this hand". My father in-law asked what balls deep was?

I quickly told him its a long pass in football, like a hail mary-going for it all.

I froze up in a theatre production once for over 10 minutes just staring at the lights. The rest of the cast tried improving me into talking but I was tranced out. I was only in the damn play to sleep with the director, but after this incident it didn't pan out. All that wasted rehearsal time.

I've woke up with girls that put me in uncomfortable conversations considering I don't have a clue how they got there.

I once had a clogged up toilet after taking a dump at an ex-girlfriends parents house with no plunger around too. It was the pre dinner dump so we had to sit around a dinner table knowing that my log entry needed some assisting to get it all down. Talk about trying to small talk a conversation about anything that isn't going to segway into what just happened.

I got wasted camping one weekend (10 years ago) and picked up shit that I thought was a rock, it was in the middle of the wilderness so I didn't think there would be a turd around. All weekend I got the shit jokes which resulted in no play. Funny enough I ran into a buddy last weekend that I hadn't seen in close to 10 years and he remembered me picking up shit. What a memory, oh well I did his sister.

Originally posted by POIESIS@Nov 22 2005, 09:46 AM

another time i was insanely hungover from a long night of mixing

draft beer and whiskey. on teh bus home i had this incredible build

up of gas which started to concern me since i felt as if i would

explode. this made me feel nauseous as well. so i decided to hold it in

which then resulted in me feeling worse. it also resulted in me

turning white/greenish and sweating like crazy. the greatest part of this was

i was sitting directly across from 6 hot as hell girls who i felt were staring

at me the whole time. finally it got so bad that i

got off at the next stop and proceeded to frantically

find a spot to explode shit everywhere. i ended up at the side

of somebodies house in broad daylight. i then walked the rest

of the way home without my shirt feeling quite fantastic.

Quoted post

this one is hilarious.

One time I was in 4th or 5th grade and I just got home from school. I had to shit really bad and I get home to realize my mom isn't there yet. So I'm sitting outfront for a good 10 minutes when I just can't take it anymore. I ran up the street to this store and went beside it. I just exploded shit all over this wall and wiped with these huge ass leaves that were on a tree.

Sometimes I get really uncomfortable because I sweat really bad, even with this special deoderant from the doctor. Usually it works if I use it before I goto bed, but sometimes I get lazy and slap it on when I get dressed. Then my armpits will get these hugeee ass wet spots after like an hour. I have no idea why, I guess hormones. It happens even when its 30 degrees out.

I get really uncomfortable talking to people that I don't feel like talking to, especially when I'm high. For example a teacher or a friends mom will keep asking me questions and I'll just not know what to say so I just go "yeah yeah uh huh" and give a little chuckle or something.

geezpot has some hilarious ones :lol:

When i was a wee child and had a baby sitter.. My mexican baby sitter would always make me tight ass mexican food. I guess one of the dishes she made me didnt agree and i shat everywhere and my baby sitter was in the other room and i had smeared it all of the walls and all ove rmy body, and my baby sitter came in and it reeked like a mother fuck.. She threw up and she called my mom and my mom came home and i had it on my face... my mom wasnt fucking with me when she told me i had eaten some of my own shit...

one word:

TASTY!

Hmmm.. I'm not sure if I told this story yet but:

3rd Grade. This marked the beginning of life in Massachusetts for me. I had moved here from Maine and before that, from California. So yeah, a huge environmental change. One of the 1st big and obvious differences was, of course, snow. The 2nd: Puerto Ricans. Back in California (and Maine, that piece of shit state..) there weren't any Puerto Ricans. Just Mexicans and Native Americans. So yeah, in California I got used to calling them "Spanish" people after a while and they didn't seem to mind at all. My best friend at the time was Mexican/Native American. And then suddenly I moved to Maine and then to Massachusetts. I remembered one day playing at the park across the street from my apartment. So I go there with the rest of my siblings and we started playing TAG with the other children. So yeah, everyone is having fun and we all greet each other and what not. One kid asked me "What are you?" and I just tole him "Black and Asian. What are you?" And he goes "Puerto Rican". And I was like "What's that? Spanish right?" and he says "No". So yeah, this goes on for a while. I tried to convince him he was just "Spanish" people. And he just laughed and shit. And then he had a Puerto Rican flag on his shirt. So I say "What's that on your shit?" And he goes "it's the Puerto Rican flag". And I was still like "What the fuck is Puerto Rican?" in my headbut I didn't say anything. So yeah, we continued to play tag until an argument broke out between my little brother + my neighbor against the little Puerto Rican kids. So yeah, the argument soon turned physical and I got involved along with a shopping cart.

I whooped ass.

Also, I kicked a girl in her crotch while I was in 3rd grade. My reason:

Me: "It's not my fault. The Spanish people were bothering me".

Lady Principal: *shocked face* Don't call them that!

^I was retardly quiet back then and I didn't like to be bothered. I had a sense of humor and was nice as hell but I guess Puerto Ricans loved picking on kids like me. So I proceeded to kick her in the crotch. Rightfully so. No regrets.

None!

*edit*

Ha! I sound like a damn racist. I wasn't/am not. I had Puerto Rican friends and still do. I saw the girl I kicked in the crotch like 3 years ago. Saw her in the hallways of my highschool. Heh...

this thread is awsome

Gigantic jug: the visual i get from that story is just faaaaaaantastic!

gigantic jug is a spectacular user name as well.

Originally posted by GucciCondom@Nov 21 2005, 10:32 PM

One time I was in 4th or 5th grade and I just got home from school. I had to shit really bad and I get home to realize my mom isn't there yet. So I'm sitting outfront for a good 10 minutes when I just can't take it anymore. I ran up the street to this store and went beside it. I just exploded shit all over this wall and wiped with these huge ass leaves that were on a tree.

Quoted post

Good thing you had ass leaves.

Time for my shit story.

In about third or second grade I had to shit really bad and my teacher wouldnt let me go. I had always been told to do what the teacher said or else Id get it once I got home. So Im wanting to shit my teacher says no you cant go. I start crying that I REALLY need to go. She gives me a pass and on my way to the bathroom (running) I start to shit myself just flat out go and I start crying my ass off. I go into the restroom try to sort my self out with a lil tp. Go to the nurses office and tell them what happened and so I sit and wait. One of my class chums comes in and sits next to me and says "whats that smell?" I sniff the air and was like I dunno. Dude says "smell like cat poop" I shrug my shoulders trying to play it off and just sat there.

(couldnt find a good ending)

i wouldnt call it embarrasing more like doing it for fun. theres been a bunch of times where ive gone to restaruants on busy populated streets and shit all over the toilet seats and floors surrounding them and pee'ing on the toilet paper. many time walking abandon tracks and having to shit and wyping them with my socks. or going to spots on the highway and bringing taco bell napkins and taking nice poops before i do other things. i guess its gross but everytime i do something like that, i laugh hysterically while doing it. i also like to eat as if im mentally challenged. im an asshole

When I was about 13 I found out my older sister was a lesbian by seeing her 69'ing another girl on a video I found in her room.

dr testical you are a sick fuck.

Originally posted by Herbivore@Nov 22 2005, 11:15 AM

When I was about 13 I found out my older sister was a lesbian by seeing her 69'ing another girl on a video I found in her room.

Quoted post

link now

Well... I was at this girl Renee's house. And we thought that her family was sleeping, Turns out her mom and younger sister were in the basement watching a movie or something. They came upstairs and walked into the living room while Renee was straddling me and I had both her titties in my hands. You would expect her to get mad, which she did, but you would also expect her to fucking walk away, which she did not. She stood there and said Renee what the fuck like 4 times, and then proceeded to tell me to get out, all the while this girl Renee was yelling at her to go away, and all I could do was to lay there and hold onto her tits. I was terrified that her dad was gonna come downstairs and I was gonna have to punch him, or get punched, I don't know how big her dad is. Anyway, I still see this girl working at the mall sometimes, and I never forget to ask her how her mom is doing cause she turns bright red.

ran home to take a shit and tripped over a treeline wire fell face first in the mudd and filled my braces with grass and dirt...ass exploded from the impact. i walked home like a cowboy laughing hysterically.

drank too much at a party and felt the stuff coming back up. i rifled thru a thick crowd trying to hold it. i got 5 feet from the door with my hand covering my mouth and BLAAAAAHG! it all shot out between my fingers into some girls hair. i left right away.

experimented with too much of something one night and forgot who everyone was and attacked my best friend in the middle of a 4 lane road in bethesda maryland in front of a crowded bar screaming about "TRAITOROUS SWINE!"

Originally posted by Herbivore@Nov 22 2005, 11:15 AM

When I was about 13 I found out my older sister was a lesbian by seeing her 69'ing another girl on a video I found in her room.

Quoted post

yes!

Once when I was still living at home, I came home in the afternoon. My youngest brother was and still is always there during the day. He didnt have a car back then, he was only like maybe 14 or 15. He is like 19 now and everytime I go over to my folks house he is there, just waking up and shit. I have officially dubbed him the 'house nigga'. Anyway, that afternoon I walk into the living room, where he never heard me come in because he had the vaccuum cleaner running. As I walked in the room I look to the left where the couch is and he is sitting on the couch, ass naked, with the god damn vaccuum cleaner on his cock. The look on his face was priceless. I just went back into the kitchen and lost my shit! He was so fucking embarrased. So, being a big brother I told my boys and for like 2 years after that we called him "Vaccuum Boy".

Originally posted by Herbivore@Nov 22 2005, 08:15 AM

When I was about 13 I found out my older sister was a lesbian by seeing her 69'ing another girl on a video I found in her room.

Quoted post

Did you pull it out and start "cleaning house?"

A note to my friend that was intercepted by some popular girls in 7th grade that said i wanted to have sex with Ania (One of the queen bees) in the shower.

They read it out loud during P.E. when i was running on the track.

Originally posted by Avancier@Nov 22 2005, 11:51 AM

Once when I was still living at home, I came home in the afternoon. My youngest brother was and still is always there during the day. He didnt have a car back then, he was only like maybe 14 or 15. He is like 19 now and everytime I go over to my folks house he is there, just waking up and shit. I have officially dubbed him the 'house nigga'. Anyway, that afternoon I walk into the living room, where he never heard me come in because he had the vaccuum cleaner running. As I walked in the room I look to the left where the couch is and he is sitting on the couch, ass naked, with the god damn vaccuum cleaner on his cock. The look on his face was priceless. I just went back into the kitchen and lost my shit! He was so fucking embarrased. So, being a big brother I told my boys and for like 2 years after that we called him "Vaccuum Boy".

Quoted post

Damn that's a really good way to ruin your penix forever.

when i was in highschool, i was banging this chick who had a boyfriend (i happened to know this kid pretty well) one day i roll by her house to peep her out, and her man happened to be walking home from school right past her crib....he walks over and asks if me julia is home...i was like "nah"...and got in my car and drove away... haha...kinda awkward...

So one day back in Providence I find a message on my machine from a man named Mr. Aziz. He wanted to talk to me about a freelance job proposition. Total WTF moment, you can imagine the billion things that went through my head.

Anyways, I call him back. The guy is fucking awesome, gentlest, kindest person ever. He's an ex-pro basketball player-turned-social worker who had an idea to start an athletic footwear company and wanted me to develop some prototype concepts based on a portfolio of mine he had seen online. I was like "Hell yeah, let's do this" and we agreed to meet the following day at my place to sign a non-disclosure agreement and he would present to me this radical wild new shoe concept. So you know, I cleaned up a bit and told my roomate about it, and he was like "Ok, I gotta leave super early before that so don't worry about me". I was pumped. This sounded exciting.

Next morning arrives and the doorbell rings. I open the door and find a fucking enormous (6'9" or so) version of Isaac Hayes wearing a huge trenchcoat and holding a briefcase. Holy shit. So I let him in, he takes off his coat, and proceeds to FREAK THE FUCK OUT when our dog runs over to meet him. Literally, this huge dude is cowering in a corner of my living room trying to hide from an 8-lb shih tzu puppy. Truns out this guy is a VERY devout Muslim, and can't allow any dog hair to land on his clothes, or he won't be able to pray in them as his faith demands. I'm super weirded out by now. So I grab the dog and head over to my roommate's door to put the dog inside while the meeting lasts. I open the door and he's still there, with his girlfriend, completely passed the fuck out. So I let the dog in and tell my roommate to please chill and look after the dog for an hour or so, and he mumbles some sort of reply. I close the door and head back.

So dude opens up his laptop and boots up Powerpoint. Right from the first slide I knew I was about to be treated to full-blown Powerpoint cheez, complete with wacky clipart animations and irritating music. I sit back and try to relax and listen to what this giant dude has to say, but then something catches my ear.

Above the boings and bings of the shitty MIDI background music I hear a faint thumping. And then a woman moans.

Oh no.

Here I am, sitting in my living room with a firmly devout Muslim guy roughly the size and shape of refrigerator standing on a stool, listening to him present his ideas, and my roommate is having the fucking loudest sex ever in the room next door. BANG BANG BANG. I swear, I actually said "WOW I LOVE THIS LITTLE MUSIC DEAL YOU GOT ON THIS PRESENTATION, LET'S TURN IT UP A BIT!!" and tried to continue talking, frantically trying to drown out the sounds from the next room with my own voice. It wasn't working out. I was saying the most absurd shit, asking the stupidest questions, ANYTHING to distract from the sounds of dirty drunken sex filling up the entire house. It escalated to screams and you could literally hear them bouncing across the room, you could even tell what positions they were busting.

Al this time, Mr. Aziz hasn't uttered a word. He just continues to gently explain each slide and clicking the "next" button. I can't tell if he's aware of what's happening. There's absolutely no mistaking what's going on next door. There's no possible way he can't hear it. I have no clue if I should pretend nothing's happening and just keep on going or if I should apologize right on the spot and go scream at my roommate's door. All I know is that I am fucking this up big time.

Eventually the screaming and humping subsided and it was all back to normal. I wanted to fucking throw myself out the windown from embarrassment. Then when I thought everything was gonna be OK, the door busts open and my roommate and his girlfriend come out wearing bath robes. He's sporting a semi-chub through his. The fucking dog runs out and immediately goes to terrify Mr. Aziz again. My roommate stares at me blankly and realizes what he's done.

All I could say was "Mr. Aziz, this is my roommate Guillermo and his girlfriend".

The meeting ended soon thereafter and we agreed to keep in touch. Somehow, it all worked out in the end and I got to work on some pretty sweet footwear technologies with Mr. Aziz, who was a fucking champ and never said a thing about the event.

My roommate and his girlfriend however, were my bitches for quite a long time to make up for what they put me through. They basically begged on their knees for me to never tell anyone cause they were so embarrassed by it. Obviously I never agreed.

Got arrested in a bathrobe...

That story was awesome!