umm...

holy hot dog shit, IM BORED!

We take you now to a garage in Canoga Park

 

(It makes its own sauce . . . if you add water)

 

*Joe*

It wasn't very large

There was just enough room to cram the drums

In the corner over by the Dodge

It was a fifty-four

With a mashed up door

And a cheesy little amp

With a sign on the front said

"Fender Champ"

And a second-hand guitar

It was a Stratocaster with a whammy bar

 

We could jam in Joe's Garage

His mama was screamin'

His dad was mad

We was playin' the same old song

In the afternoon 'n sometimes we would

Play it all night long

It was all we knew, 'n easy too

So we wouldn't get it wrong

All we did was bend the string like . . .

 

Hey!

Down in Joe's Garage

We didn't have no dope or LSD

But a coupla quartsa beer

Would fix it so the intonation

Would not offend yer ear

And the same old chords goin' over 'n over

Became a symphony

We could play it again 'n again 'n again

Cause it sounded good to me

ONE MORE TIME!

 

We could jam in Joe's Garage

His mama was screamin',

"TURN IT DOWN!"

We was playin' the same old song

In the afternoon 'n sometimes we would

Play it all night long

It was all we knew, 'n easy too

So we wouldn't get it wrong

Even if you played it on a saxophone

 

We thought we was pretty good

We talked about keepin' the band together

'N we figured that we should

'Cause about this time we was gettin' the eye

From the girls in the neighborhood

They'd all come over 'n dance around like . . .

 

So we picked out a stupid name

Had some cards printed up for a coupla bucks

'N we was on our way to fame

Got matching suits

'N Beatle Boots

'N a sign on the back of the car

'N we was ready to work in a GO-GO Bar

ONE TWO THREE FOUR

LET'S SEE IF YOU'VE GOT SOME MORE!

 

People seemed to like our song

They got up 'n danced 'n made a lotta noise

An' it wasn't 'fore very long

A guy from a company we can't name

Said we oughta take his pen

'N sign on the line for a real good time

But he didn't tell us when

These "good times" would be somethin'

That was really happenin'

So the band broke up

An' it looks like

We will never play again . . .

 

Guess you only get one chance in life

To play a song that goes like . . .

 

*Mrs. Borg* Turn it down! Turn it DOWN!

I have children sleeping here . . . Don't you boys know any nice songs?

 

*Joe*

Well the years was rollin' by

Heavy Metal 'n Glitter Rock

Had caught the public eye

Snotty boys with lipstick on

Was really flyin' high

'N then they got that Disco thing

'N New Wave came along

'N all of a sudden I thought the time

Had come for that old song

We used to play in "Joe's Garage"

And if I am not wrong

You will soon be dancin' to the . . .

 

The WHITE ZONE is for loading and unloading only. If you gotta load or unload, go to the WHITE ZONE . . .

 

*joe* I said the years was rollin' by, yeah

The years was rollin' by . . .

 

*Mrs. Borg* I'm calling THE POLICE!

 

*Joe* So the years was rollin' by . . .

 

*Mrs. Borg* I did it!

 

*Joe* So the years was rollin' by . . .

 

*Mrs. Borg* They'll be here . . . shortly!

 

*Joe* By, by, the years was rollin' by . . .

 

*Officer* This is the Police . . .

 

*Ms. Borg*I'm not joking around anymore!

 

*Officer* Come out! We have the garage surrounded!

 

*Joe* The years was rollin' by . . .

 

*Officer* Give yourself up. We will not harm you Or hurt you, neither

 

*Joe* I said the years was rollin' by . . .

 

*Ms. Borg* You'll see now! There they are, they're coming!

 

*Officer* This is the Police Give yourself up. We will not harm you...

 

*Joe* The years was rollin' by . . .

 

*Ms. Borg* Listen to that mess, would you!

 

*Officer* This is the Police. Give yourself up. We have the garage surrounded

 

*Ms. Borg* Every day this goes on around here!

 

*Joe* The years was rollin' by . . .

 

*Officer* We will not harm you Or maim you (SWAT Team 4, move in!)

 

*Joe* The years was rollin' by . . .

 

*Mrs. Borg* He used to cut my grass . . . He was a very nice boy . . .

 

*Officer* This is the Police

Come out with your hands up

 

This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER . . .

That was Joe's first confrontation with The Law.

Naturally, we were easy on him.

One of our friendly counselors gave him

A do-nut . . . and told him to

Stick closer to church-oriented social activities

yea you must be...

he's high.

...ummmm?

A festive CYO Party with crepe paper streamers, contestants for the broom dance, the "Hokey Pokey," baked goods, & FATHER RILEY making sure the lights don't go down too low...

 

Father Riley And Various Party Goers:

Catholic Girls

With a tiny little mustache

Catholic Girls

Do you know how they go?

Catholic Girls

In the Rectory Basement

Father Riley's a fairy

But it don't bother Mary

Catholic Girls

At the CYO

Catholic Girls

Do you know how they go?

Catholic Girls

There can be no replacement

How do they go, after the show?

 

Joe:

All the way

That's the way they go

Every day

And none of their mamas ever seem to know

Hip-Hip-Hooray

For all the class they show

There's nothing like a Catholic Girl

At the CYO

When they learn to blow...

 

Father Riley:

They're learning to blow

All the Catholic Boys!

 

Mary:

Warren Cuccurullo...

 

Father Riley:

Catholic Boys!

 

Mary:

Kinda young, kinda WOW!

 

Father Riley:

Catholic Boys!

 

Mary:

Vinnie Colaiuta...

 

Chorus:

Where are they now?

Did they all take The Vow?

 

Father Riley:

Catholic Girls

 

Warren:

Carmenita Scarfone!

 

Father Riley:

Catholic Girls

 

Officer Butzis:

Hey! She gave me VD!

 

Father Riley:

Catholic Girls!

 

Warren:

Toni Carbone!

 

Chorus:

With a tongue like a cow

She could make you go WOW!

 

Joe:

VD vowdy vootie

Right away

That's the way they go

Every day

Whenever their mamas take them to a show

Matinee

Pass the popcorn please

There's nothing like a Catholic Girl

With her hand in the box

When she's on her knees

 

Larry:

She was on her knees,

My little Catholic Girl

 

Chorus:

In a little white dress

Catholic Girls

They never confess

Catholic Girls

I got one for a cousin

I love how they go

So send me a dozen

Catholic Girls

OOOOOOH!

Catholic Girls

OOOOOOH!

(etc.)

 

Central Scrutinizer:

This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...

Joe had a girl friend named Mary.

She used to go the church club every week.

They'd meet each other there

Hold hands

And think Pure Thoughts

But one night at the Social Club meeting

Mary didn't show up...

She was sucking cock backstage at The Armory

In order to get a pass

To see some big rock group for free...

Backstage at the local Armory, Mary, in her little white dress, is wiping the remnants of her performance off the side of her mouth as LARRY (the guy from the garage who quit the band in order to make an honest living) zips up the front of his stinking boiler suit and sings to the same teen-age girls who were stomping and clapping a little while ago, as they kneel with their little pink mouths open near the crew bus, hoping to save the price of admission by performing acts of Hooverism on the jolly lads who set up the P.A. System.

 

Larry:

Hey Hey Hey all you girls in these

Industrial towns

I know you're prob'ly gettin' tired

Of all the local clowns

They never give you no respect

They never treat you nice

So perhaps you oughta try

A little friendly advice

And be a CREW SLUT

Hey, you'll love it

Be a CREW SLUT

It's a way of life

Be a CREW SLUT

See the world

Don't make a fuss, just get on the bus

CREW SLUT

Add water makes its own sauce

Be a CREW SLUT

So you don't forget, call before midnite tonite

The boys in the crew

Are just waiting for you

You never to get move around

You never go nowhere

I know yer prob'ly gettin' tired

Of all the guys out there

You always wondered what it's like

To go from place to place

So, darlin', take a little ride

On the mixer's face

Be a CREW SLUT

Just follow the magic footprints

Be a CREW SLUT

Hey, you'll love it!

Be a CREW SLUT

It's a way of life

I ain't gonna squash it

And you don't need to wash it!

CREW SLUT

Hey, I'll buy you a pizza

CREW SLUT

Of course I'll introduce you to Warren

The boys in the crew

Are only waiting for you

 

At this point, the road crew, as all road crews must from time to time, borrow some of the big rock group's equipment and have a blues jam session, indicating to the kneeling maidens that they are endowed with a great deal of raw talent, as well as massive meat. Obviously impressed with LARRY'S ability to suck so hard on his harmonica that screeching little noises come out of it, MARY kneels again and reaches upward in gestures of supplication, listening intently as LARRY continues to sing...

 

Larry:

Well you been to Alabama, girl,

'N' Georgia too

'N' all the boys in the crew

Is bein' good to you

I know yer sayin' to yourself

'This is the way to go'

'Cause when you need a little extra

They will give you some mo'

`Cause you're the CREW SLUT

 

Mary:

Eh, hah ha, I'm into leather...

 

Larry:

That's good! A lot of the boys in the crew Love leather...

 

Mary:

And rubber...

 

Larry:

Yeh, they like rubber too...shrink-tubing

With a hair dryer...

 

Road Crew Chorus:

Trade your spot on the bench

For a guy with a wrench

And be a...

 

Mary:

Ha ha ha...

 

Larry:

You like that, huh?

I told you you'd love it...

It's a way of life!

 

Road Crew Chorus:

The guys in the crew

Have got a present for you!

Ren nah naaah

Ren nah naaah

Ren nah naaah

 

Mary:

A present for me?

 

Road Crew Chorus:

Ren nah naaah

Ren nah naaah

Ren nah naaah

 

Larry:

Hmmm, we got a present for you!

 

Road Crew Chorus:

Ren nah naaah

Ren nah naaah

Ren nah naaah

 

Mary:

Whaddya got?

 

Road Crew Chorus:

Ren nah naaah

 

Mary:

Whaddya gonna give me?

 

Road Crew Chorus:

Ren nah naaah

Ren nah naaah

 

Larry:

It looks just like a Telefunken U-47

You'll love it...

 

Mary:

With Leather?

 

Central Scrutinizer:

Eh errr, eh eh...This is,eh, the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER again...

And so Mary was enticed away from Joe

By an evil barbarian with a wrench in his pocket

Lured into a life of SLEAZERY

With the entire road crew of some

Famous Rock Group

(I don't know whether it was really Toad-O or not

...I don't know... I'll check it out)

Again we see

MUSIC

Causing

BIG TROUBLE!

After a few weeks on the bus, being porked by Toad-O's road crew, and being too exhausted to do their laundry on a regular basis, MARY is dumped in Miami. With no money (and no other famous rock groups due into the area for at least three weeks), she tries to pick up a few bucks by entering the Wet T-shirt contest at The Brasserie...

 

Ike:

Looks to me like something funny Is going on around here People laughin' 'n' dancin' 'n' payin' Entirely too much for their beer And they all think they are Clean outa-site And they're ready to party 'Cause the sign outside says it's WET T-SHIRT NITE 'N' they all crave some Hot delight Well the girls are excited Because in a minute They're gonna get wet 'N' the boys are delighted Because all the titties Will get 'em upset 'N' they all think they are Reety-awright 'N' they're ready to boogie 'Cause the sign outside says it's WET T-SHIRT NITE 'N' they all crave some Pink delight When the water gets on 'em Their ninnies get rigid 'N' look pretty bold It's a common reaction That makes an attraction Whenever it's cold 'N' all of the fellas They wish they could bite On the cute little nuggets The local girls are showin' off tonite You know I think it serves 'em right You know I think it serves 'em right You know I think it serves 'em right You know I think it serves 'em right And it's WET T-SHIRT TIME AGAIN I know you want someone to show you some tit! BIG ONES! WET ONES! BIG WET ONES!

 

At this point, FATHER RILEY (who had been recently de-frocked for not meeting his quota, and has grown his hair out and bought a groovy sport coat and moved to Miami and changed his name to BUDDY JONES) steps onto the crowded bandstand in his exciting new role as a WET T-SHIRT CONTEST EMCEE...

 

Buddy Jones:

Ah, thanks, IKE... Yes, it's WET T-shirt TIME AGAIN Here at the Brasserie... Home of THE TITS...huh huh... And it's the charming Mary from Canoga Park Up next in her bid for the semi-finals... Hi, Mary...howya doin'?

 

Having been fucked senseless by the boys in the crew, MARY does not recognize the former religious personage from her nights in the rectory basement during which she acquired her basic manual skills...confounded by his sport coat, she replies...

 

Mary:

Hi!

 

Realizing that she no longer recognizes him...or even appreciates the patient religious training he had given her in the past, BUDDY JONES, like a true WET T-SHIRT EMCEE type person, proceeds to say various stupid things to waste time, making the contest itself take longer, thereby giving the mongoloids squatting on the dance floor an opportunity to buy more exciting beverages...liquid products that will expand their consciousnesses to the point whereby they might more fully enjoy the ambiance of Miami By Night...

 

Buddy Jones:

Where ya from?

 

Mary:

Ah, the bus...

 

Buddy Jones:

Which one?

 

Mary:

You know...the last tour... You know...Leather

 

Buddy Jones:

Oh...you were the girl stuck to seat 38 Phydeaux III... why don't you get in position and take a deep breath, because this water is very, very cold, but it's goin' to be so stimulating. And Mary's the kind of Red- Blooded American Girl who'll do anything...

 

Mary:

Anything...

 

Buddy Jones:

I said anything...for fifty bucks That's right!

 

Mary:

I really need the fifty bucks you know I gotta get home!

 

Buddy Jones:

Yeh, I know, your father is waiting for you in the tool shed...that's right, you heard right...our big prize tonite is fifty American Dollars to the girl with the most exciting mammalian protuberances...

 

Mary:

Here I am!

 

Buddy Jones:

...as viewed through a thoroughly soaked, stupid looking white sort of male person's conservative kind of middle-of-the-road COTTON UNDERGARMENT! Whoopee! And here comes THE WATER!

 

Mary:

EEEK!

 

Buddy Jones:

No, you'd squeak more if the water got on you...sounds like you just got an ice pick in the forehead...AND HERE COMES THE ICE PICK IN THE FOREHEAD ...a million laughs, Mary! Anyway; good golly, what a mess...she's totally soaked...yeh, totally committed to the fifty bucks...That's it just step into the spotlight...let the guys get a good look at ya honey!

 

Mary:

Here I am!

 

Buddy Jones:

Whaddya say, fellas? Nice setta jugs? Now Mary, how's about shakin' it around a little...

 

Mary:

Ooooh!

 

Buddy Jones:

Oh my goodness, look at her go!

 

Mary:

Oooh! I'm dancing! I'm dancing!

 

Buddy Jones:

Ain't this what living is really all about! Here's your fifty bucks Mary...

 

Mary:

Oh great! Now I can go home!

 

Buddy Jones:

Home is where the heart is.

 

Mary:

On the bus.

Whereupon the house combo at the Brasserie drifts into a modified version of one of Toad-O's big hit numbers BUDDY JONES stares longingly at the little nozzles pooching out of Mary's moistened upper clothing, but it's too late...WARREN, one of the other guys from Joe's Garage Band has already recognized her (he's now one of the foremost disco-fusion rhythm guitar players on the Wet T-shirt Circuit, currently providing exciting strummery here in Miami), and is in the process of getting the details of her life on the bus with LARRY and the other jolly road crew lads. He eventually sends JOE a letter with this information in it...

 

Central Scrutinizer:

This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...Meanwhile, Joe hears about Mary's naughty exploits. He falls in with a fast crowd and gets seduced by a girl who works at the Jack-In-The-Box, named Lucille, who gives him an unpronounceable disease...

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shortly after his liaison with the taco stand lady, JOE makes a horrible discovery...

 

Joe:

Why does it hurt when I pee?

Why does it hurt when I pee?

I don't want no doctor

To stick no needle in me

Why does it hurt when I pee?

I got it from the toilet seat

I got it from the toilet seat

It jumped right up

'N' grabbed my meat

Got it from the toilet seat

My balls feel like a pair of maracas

My balls feel like a pair of maracas

Oh God I probably got the

Gon-o-ka-ka-khackus!

My balls feel like a pair of maracas

Ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!

Why does it

Why does it

Why does it

Why does it hurt...when I

Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?

JOE is so disoriented by his disease, he goes in the other room and plays the title cut from an old Jeff Simmons album, and sings along with it.

 

Joe:

Lucille

Has messed my mind up

But I still love her

Oh I still love her

Lucille

Has messed my mind up

But I still love her

Oh I still love her

Lucille

Has messed my mind up

But I still need her

You know I need her

Whatcha tryna doota me

Lucille?

Whatcha tryna doota me

Lucille?

Whatcha tryna doota me

Lucille?

You got me goin' outa my mind

Lucille

Has tore my heart up

But I still love her

I really love her

Lucille

Has tore my heart up

But I still need her

You know I need her

She treats me like my heart

Is made of stone

She runs around

And leaves me home

All alone

She doesn't answer

When I call her on the phone

She messed up my mind

I'm crying alla the time

Lucille

Has messed my mind up (etc., etc., etc.)

 

Central Scrutinizer:

This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...again, Hi!...It's me again, the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...Joe says Lucille has messed his mind up, but, was it the girl or was it the music? As you can see...girls, music, disease, heartbreak...they all go together...Joe found out the hard way, but his troubles were just beginning...his mind was so messed up...he could hardly do nothin'...He was in a quandary...being devoured by the swirling cesspool of his own steaming desires...the guy was a wreck...so...what does he do? For once, he does something SMART...he goes out...and pays a lot of money to L. Ron Hoover... at the First Church of Appliantology!

Arriving at L. Ron Hoover's modernistic office / cathedral / warehouse / condominium complex, Joe is greeted by a pre-recorded message and a dramatically illuminated image on a wall-sized TV screen...

 

L. Ron Hoover:

Welcome to the First Church of Appliantology! The WHITE ZONE is for loading and unloading only!

 

Don't you be Tarot-fied

It's just a token

of my extreme

Don't you be Tarot-fied

It's just a token

of my extreme

 

Don't you never try to

look behind my eyes

You don't wanna know

what they have seen

Don't you never try to

look behind my eyes

You don't wanna know

what they have seen

 

Joe: (thinking to himself)

Some people think

That if they go too far

They'll never get back

To where the rest of

them are

I might be crazy

But there's one thing

I know

You might be surprised

At what you find

when ya go!

 

And thus, having ration- alized his expedition to L. Ron's modernistic office / cathedral / warehouse / condominium complex, JOE seeks The Answer to his problem...

 

Joe:

Oh oh oh

Mystical Advisor

What is my problem,

tell me

Can you see?

 

L. Ron Hoover:

Well, you have nothing

to fear, my son!

You are a Latent

Appliance Fetishist,

It appears to me!

 

Joe:

That all seems very,

very strange

I never craved

a toaster

Or a color T.V.

 

L. Ron Hoover:

A Latent Appliance

Fetishist

Is a person who

refuses to admit

to his or herself

That sexual

gratification can

only be achieved

Through the use of

MACHINES...

Get the picture?

 

Joe:

Are you telling me

I should come out

of the closet now

Mr. Ron?

 

L. Ron Hoover:

No, my son!

You must go into

THE CLOSET

 

Joe:

What?

 

L. Ron Hoover:

And you will have

 

Joe:

Heh?

 

L. Ron Hoover:

Hey!

A lot of fun!

That's where

they all live

So if you want an

Appliance to love you

You'll have to

go in there

'N' get you one

 

Joe:

Well...that seems

simple enough...

 

L. Ron Hoover:

Yes, but if you want a

really GOOD one,

You'll have to learn a

foreign language...

 

Joe:

German, for instance?

 

L. Ron Hoover:

That's right...

A lot of really cute

ones come from

over there!

(Fifty bucks, please)

And a cheerful group of

Appliantologists dance

into the room wearing

aluminum foil lab smocks,

lock arms in a circle

around JOE, making sure

he pays in full, all the

while singing with L. RON

as he delivers his final

instructions...

 

L. Ron Hoover:

If you been

Mod-O-fied,

It's an illusion,

an yer in between

Don't you be

Tarot-fied,

It's just a lot of nothin',

So what can it mean?

 

If you been

Mod-O-fied,

It's an illusion,

an yer in between

Don't you be

Tarot-fied,

It's just a lot of nothin',

So what can it mean?

 

If you been

Mod-O-fied,

It's an illusion,

an yer in between...

http://www.me0w.net/bleh/fatman.jpg'>

ok, no one gets this othe rthan furie...i wont post the rest...it was fun though....

heinekin!

whoops!

 

[This message has been edited by freddy kreuger (edited 05-12-2001).]

http://www.science.uva.nl/~robbert/zappa/files/jpg/Joe_s_Garage.jpg'>

ahhhhhhhhhhh, freddy knows whats up!

yo kid furie, can you post me a link to some natrl and santaria flix?

you posted one in my head crunch thread.....danka

sorry bro, i just ripped that shit off artcrimes...

http://www.koltershock1.net/gallery/lar04.jpg'>

 

------------------

???666MAKROS666???

We carried you in our arms on Independence Day

And now you'd throw us all aside and put us all away

Oh, what dear daughter 'neath the sun could treat a father so?

To wait upon him hand and foot and always tell him "No"

 

Tears of rage, tears of grief

Why must I always be the thief?

Come to me now, you know we're so low

And life is brief

 

It was all very painless

When you went out to receive

All that false instruction

Which we never could believe

And now the heart is filled with gold

As if it was a purse

But, oh, what kind of love is this

Which goes from bad to worse?

 

Tears of rage, tears of grief

Why must I always be the thief?

Come to me now, you know we're so low

And life is brief

 

We pointed you the way to go

And scratched your name in sand

Though you just thought it was nothing more

Than a place for you to stand

I want you to know that while we watched

You discovered no one would be true

And I myself was among

The ones who thought

It was just a childish thing to do

 

Tears of rage, tears of grief

Why must I always be the thief?

Come to me now, you know we're so low

And life is brief

 

 

...???-?-the guessing game-?-???...