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umm...

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by kid furie, May 10, 2001.

  1. kid furie

    kid furie 12oz Senior Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2000
    Messages:
    2,253

    umm...

    Discussion started by kid furie - May 10, 2001

    We take you now to a garage in Canoga Park

    (It makes its own sauce . . . if you add water)

    *Joe*
    It wasn't very large
    There was just enough room to cram the drums
    In the corner over by the Dodge
    It was a fifty-four
    With a mashed up door
    And a cheesy little amp
    With a sign on the front said
    "Fender Champ"
    And a second-hand guitar
    It was a Stratocaster with a whammy bar

    We could jam in Joe's Garage
    His mama was screamin'
    His dad was mad
    We was playin' the same old song
    In the afternoon 'n sometimes we would
    Play it all night long
    It was all we knew, 'n easy too
    So we wouldn't get it wrong
    All we did was bend the string like . . .

    Hey!
    Down in Joe's Garage
    We didn't have no dope or LSD
    But a coupla quartsa beer
    Would fix it so the intonation
    Would not offend yer ear
    And the same old chords goin' over 'n over
    Became a symphony
    We could play it again 'n again 'n again
    Cause it sounded good to me
    ONE MORE TIME!

    We could jam in Joe's Garage
    His mama was screamin',
    "TURN IT DOWN!"
    We was playin' the same old song
    In the afternoon 'n sometimes we would
    Play it all night long
    It was all we knew, 'n easy too
    So we wouldn't get it wrong
    Even if you played it on a saxophone

    We thought we was pretty good
    We talked about keepin' the band together
    'N we figured that we should
    'Cause about this time we was gettin' the eye
    From the girls in the neighborhood
    They'd all come over 'n dance around like . . .

    So we picked out a stupid name
    Had some cards printed up for a coupla bucks
    'N we was on our way to fame
    Got matching suits
    'N Beatle Boots
    'N a sign on the back of the car
    'N we was ready to work in a GO-GO Bar
    ONE TWO THREE FOUR
    LET'S SEE IF YOU'VE GOT SOME MORE!

    People seemed to like our song
    They got up 'n danced 'n made a lotta noise
    An' it wasn't 'fore very long
    A guy from a company we can't name
    Said we oughta take his pen
    'N sign on the line for a real good time
    But he didn't tell us when
    These "good times" would be somethin'
    That was really happenin'
    So the band broke up
    An' it looks like
    We will never play again . . .

    Guess you only get one chance in life
    To play a song that goes like . . .

    *Mrs. Borg* Turn it down! Turn it DOWN!
    I have children sleeping here . . . Don't you boys know any nice songs?

    *Joe*
    Well the years was rollin' by
    Heavy Metal 'n Glitter Rock
    Had caught the public eye
    Snotty boys with lipstick on
    Was really flyin' high
    'N then they got that Disco thing
    'N New Wave came along
    'N all of a sudden I thought the time
    Had come for that old song
    We used to play in "Joe's Garage"
    And if I am not wrong
    You will soon be dancin' to the . . .

    The WHITE ZONE is for loading and unloading only. If you gotta load or unload, go to the WHITE ZONE . . .

    *joe* I said the years was rollin' by, yeah
    The years was rollin' by . . .

    *Mrs. Borg* I'm calling THE POLICE!

    *Joe* So the years was rollin' by . . .

    *Mrs. Borg* I did it!

    *Joe* So the years was rollin' by . . .

    *Mrs. Borg* They'll be here . . . shortly!

    *Joe* By, by, the years was rollin' by . . .

    *Officer* This is the Police . . .

    *Ms. Borg*I'm not joking around anymore!

    *Officer* Come out! We have the garage surrounded!

    *Joe* The years was rollin' by . . .

    *Officer* Give yourself up. We will not harm you Or hurt you, neither

    *Joe* I said the years was rollin' by . . .

    *Ms. Borg* You'll see now! There they are, they're coming!

    *Officer* This is the Police Give yourself up. We will not harm you...

    *Joe* The years was rollin' by . . .

    *Ms. Borg* Listen to that mess, would you!

    *Officer* This is the Police. Give yourself up. We have the garage surrounded

    *Ms. Borg* Every day this goes on around here!

    *Joe* The years was rollin' by . . .

    *Officer* We will not harm you Or maim you (SWAT Team 4, move in!)

    *Joe* The years was rollin' by . . .

    *Mrs. Borg* He used to cut my grass . . . He was a very nice boy . . .

    *Officer* This is the Police
    Come out with your hands up

    This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER . . .
    That was Joe's first confrontation with The Law.
    Naturally, we were easy on him.
    One of our friendly counselors gave him
    A do-nut . . . and told him to
    Stick closer to church-oriented social activities
     
    kid furie - Rank: 12oz Senior Member - Messages:
    2,253
    - Joined:
    Apr 25, 2000
  2. kid furie

    kid furie 12oz Senior Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2000
    Messages:
    2,253

    kid furie - Replied May 10, 2001

    holy hot dog shit, IM BORED!
     
    kid furie - Rank: 12oz Senior Member - Messages:
    2,253
    - Joined:
    Apr 25, 2000
  3. dukeofyork

    dukeofyork Guest

    dukeofyork - Replied May 10, 2001

    yea you must be...
     
  4. Devilush

    Devilush 12oz Legend

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2001
    Messages:
    17,035

    Devilush - Replied May 11, 2001

    he's high.
     
    Devilush - Rank: 12oz Legend - Messages:
    17,035
    - Joined:
    Feb 1, 2001
  5. Lazy Gringo

    Lazy Gringo New Jack

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2000
    Messages:
    9

    Lazy Gringo - Replied May 11, 2001

    ...ummmm?
     
    Lazy Gringo - Rank: New Jack - Messages:
    9
    - Joined:
    Jul 3, 2000
  6. freddy kreuger - Replied May 11, 2001

    A festive CYO Party with crepe paper streamers, contestants for the broom dance, the "Hokey Pokey," baked goods, & FATHER RILEY making sure the lights don't go down too low...

    Father Riley And Various Party Goers:
    Catholic Girls
    With a tiny little mustache
    Catholic Girls
    Do you know how they go?
    Catholic Girls
    In the Rectory Basement
    Father Riley's a fairy
    But it don't bother Mary
    Catholic Girls
    At the CYO
    Catholic Girls
    Do you know how they go?
    Catholic Girls
    There can be no replacement
    How do they go, after the show?

    Joe:
    All the way
    That's the way they go
    Every day
    And none of their mamas ever seem to know
    Hip-Hip-Hooray
    For all the class they show
    There's nothing like a Catholic Girl
    At the CYO
    When they learn to blow...

    Father Riley:
    They're learning to blow
    All the Catholic Boys!

    Mary:
    Warren Cuccurullo...

    Father Riley:
    Catholic Boys!

    Mary:
    Kinda young, kinda WOW!

    Father Riley:
    Catholic Boys!

    Mary:
    Vinnie Colaiuta...

    Chorus:
    Where are they now?
    Did they all take The Vow?

    Father Riley:
    Catholic Girls

    Warren:
    Carmenita Scarfone!

    Father Riley:
    Catholic Girls

    Officer Butzis:
    Hey! She gave me VD!

    Father Riley:
    Catholic Girls!

    Warren:
    Toni Carbone!

    Chorus:
    With a tongue like a cow
    She could make you go WOW!

    Joe:
    VD vowdy vootie
    Right away
    That's the way they go
    Every day
    Whenever their mamas take them to a show
    Matinee
    Pass the popcorn please
    There's nothing like a Catholic Girl
    With her hand in the box
    When she's on her knees

    Larry:
    She was on her knees,
    My little Catholic Girl

    Chorus:
    In a little white dress
    Catholic Girls
    They never confess
    Catholic Girls
    I got one for a cousin
    I love how they go
    So send me a dozen
    Catholic Girls
    OOOOOOH!
    Catholic Girls
    OOOOOOH!
    (etc.)

    Central Scrutinizer:
    This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...
    Joe had a girl friend named Mary.
    She used to go the church club every week.
    They'd meet each other there
    Hold hands
    And think Pure Thoughts
    But one night at the Social Club meeting
    Mary didn't show up...
    She was sucking cock backstage at The Armory
    In order to get a pass
    To see some big rock group for free...
     
  7. freddy kreuger - Replied May 12, 2001

    Backstage at the local Armory, Mary, in her little white dress, is wiping the remnants of her performance off the side of her mouth as LARRY (the guy from the garage who quit the band in order to make an honest living) zips up the front of his stinking boiler suit and sings to the same teen-age girls who were stomping and clapping a little while ago, as they kneel with their little pink mouths open near the crew bus, hoping to save the price of admission by performing acts of Hooverism on the jolly lads who set up the P.A. System.

    Larry:
    Hey Hey Hey all you girls in these
    Industrial towns
    I know you're prob'ly gettin' tired
    Of all the local clowns
    They never give you no respect
    They never treat you nice
    So perhaps you oughta try
    A little friendly advice
    And be a CREW SLUT
    Hey, you'll love it
    Be a CREW SLUT
    It's a way of life
    Be a CREW SLUT
    See the world
    Don't make a fuss, just get on the bus
    CREW SLUT
    Add water makes its own sauce
    Be a CREW SLUT
    So you don't forget, call before midnite tonite
    The boys in the crew
    Are just waiting for you
    You never to get move around
    You never go nowhere
    I know yer prob'ly gettin' tired
    Of all the guys out there
    You always wondered what it's like
    To go from place to place
    So, darlin', take a little ride
    On the mixer's face
    Be a CREW SLUT
    Just follow the magic footprints
    Be a CREW SLUT
    Hey, you'll love it!
    Be a CREW SLUT
    It's a way of life
    I ain't gonna squash it
    And you don't need to wash it!
    CREW SLUT
    Hey, I'll buy you a pizza
    CREW SLUT
    Of course I'll introduce you to Warren
    The boys in the crew
    Are only waiting for you

    At this point, the road crew, as all road crews must from time to time, borrow some of the big rock group's equipment and have a blues jam session, indicating to the kneeling maidens that they are endowed with a great deal of raw talent, as well as massive meat. Obviously impressed with LARRY'S ability to suck so hard on his harmonica that screeching little noises come out of it, MARY kneels again and reaches upward in gestures of supplication, listening intently as LARRY continues to sing...

    Larry:
    Well you been to Alabama, girl,
    'N' Georgia too
    'N' all the boys in the crew
    Is bein' good to you
    I know yer sayin' to yourself
    'This is the way to go'
    'Cause when you need a little extra
    They will give you some mo'
    `Cause you're the CREW SLUT

    Mary:
    Eh, hah ha, I'm into leather...

    Larry:
    That's good! A lot of the boys in the crew Love leather...

    Mary:
    And rubber...

    Larry:
    Yeh, they like rubber too...shrink-tubing
    With a hair dryer...

    Road Crew Chorus:
    Trade your spot on the bench
    For a guy with a wrench
    And be a...

    Mary:
    Ha ha ha...

    Larry:
    You like that, huh?
    I told you you'd love it...
    It's a way of life!

    Road Crew Chorus:
    The guys in the crew
    Have got a present for you!
    Ren nah naaah
    Ren nah naaah
    Ren nah naaah

    Mary:
    A present for me?

    Road Crew Chorus:
    Ren nah naaah
    Ren nah naaah
    Ren nah naaah

    Larry:
    Hmmm, we got a present for you!

    Road Crew Chorus:
    Ren nah naaah
    Ren nah naaah
    Ren nah naaah

    Mary:
    Whaddya got?

    Road Crew Chorus:
    Ren nah naaah

    Mary:
    Whaddya gonna give me?

    Road Crew Chorus:
    Ren nah naaah
    Ren nah naaah

    Larry:
    It looks just like a Telefunken U-47
    You'll love it...

    Mary:
    With Leather?

    Central Scrutinizer:
    Eh errr, eh eh...This is,eh, the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER again...
    And so Mary was enticed away from Joe
    By an evil barbarian with a wrench in his pocket
    Lured into a life of SLEAZERY
    With the entire road crew of some
    Famous Rock Group
    (I don't know whether it was really Toad-O or not
    ...I don't know... I'll check it out)
    Again we see
    MUSIC
    Causing
    BIG TROUBLE!
     
  8. freddy kreuger - Replied May 12, 2001

    After a few weeks on the bus, being porked by Toad-O's road crew, and being too exhausted to do their laundry on a regular basis, MARY is dumped in Miami. With no money (and no other famous rock groups due into the area for at least three weeks), she tries to pick up a few bucks by entering the Wet T-shirt contest at The Brasserie...

    Ike:
    Looks to me like something funny Is going on around here People laughin' 'n' dancin' 'n' payin' Entirely too much for their beer And they all think they are Clean outa-site And they're ready to party 'Cause the sign outside says it's WET T-SHIRT NITE 'N' they all crave some Hot delight Well the girls are excited Because in a minute They're gonna get wet 'N' the boys are delighted Because all the titties Will get 'em upset 'N' they all think they are Reety-awright 'N' they're ready to boogie 'Cause the sign outside says it's WET T-SHIRT NITE 'N' they all crave some Pink delight When the water gets on 'em Their ninnies get rigid 'N' look pretty bold It's a common reaction That makes an attraction Whenever it's cold 'N' all of the fellas They wish they could bite On the cute little nuggets The local girls are showin' off tonite You know I think it serves 'em right You know I think it serves 'em right You know I think it serves 'em right You know I think it serves 'em right And it's WET T-SHIRT TIME AGAIN I know you want someone to show you some tit! BIG ONES! WET ONES! BIG WET ONES!

    At this point, FATHER RILEY (who had been recently de-frocked for not meeting his quota, and has grown his hair out and bought a groovy sport coat and moved to Miami and changed his name to BUDDY JONES) steps onto the crowded bandstand in his exciting new role as a WET T-SHIRT CONTEST EMCEE...

    Buddy Jones:
    Ah, thanks, IKE... Yes, it's WET T-shirt TIME AGAIN Here at the Brasserie... Home of THE TITS...huh huh... And it's the charming Mary from Canoga Park Up next in her bid for the semi-finals... Hi, Mary...howya doin'?

    Having been fucked senseless by the boys in the crew, MARY does not recognize the former religious personage from her nights in the rectory basement during which she acquired her basic manual skills...confounded by his sport coat, she replies...

    Mary:
    Hi!

    Realizing that she no longer recognizes him...or even appreciates the patient religious training he had given her in the past, BUDDY JONES, like a true WET T-SHIRT EMCEE type person, proceeds to say various stupid things to waste time, making the contest itself take longer, thereby giving the mongoloids squatting on the dance floor an opportunity to buy more exciting beverages...liquid products that will expand their consciousnesses to the point whereby they might more fully enjoy the ambiance of Miami By Night...

    Buddy Jones:
    Where ya from?

    Mary:
    Ah, the bus...

    Buddy Jones:
    Which one?

    Mary:
    You know...the last tour... You know...Leather

    Buddy Jones:
    Oh...you were the girl stuck to seat 38 Phydeaux III... why don't you get in position and take a deep breath, because this water is very, very cold, but it's goin' to be so stimulating. And Mary's the kind of Red- Blooded American Girl who'll do anything...

    Mary:
    Anything...

    Buddy Jones:
    I said anything...for fifty bucks That's right!

    Mary:
    I really need the fifty bucks you know I gotta get home!

    Buddy Jones:
    Yeh, I know, your father is waiting for you in the tool shed...that's right, you heard right...our big prize tonite is fifty American Dollars to the girl with the most exciting mammalian protuberances...

    Mary:
    Here I am!

    Buddy Jones:
    ...as viewed through a thoroughly soaked, stupid looking white sort of male person's conservative kind of middle-of-the-road COTTON UNDERGARMENT! Whoopee! And here comes THE WATER!

    Mary:
    EEEK!

    Buddy Jones:
    No, you'd squeak more if the water got on you...sounds like you just got an ice pick in the forehead...AND HERE COMES THE ICE PICK IN THE FOREHEAD ...a million laughs, Mary! Anyway; good golly, what a mess...she's totally soaked...yeh, totally committed to the fifty bucks...That's it just step into the spotlight...let the guys get a good look at ya honey!

    Mary:
    Here I am!

    Buddy Jones:
    Whaddya say, fellas? Nice setta jugs? Now Mary, how's about shakin' it around a little...

    Mary:
    Ooooh!

    Buddy Jones:
    Oh my goodness, look at her go!

    Mary:
    Oooh! I'm dancing! I'm dancing!

    Buddy Jones:
    Ain't this what living is really all about! Here's your fifty bucks Mary...

    Mary:
    Oh great! Now I can go home!

    Buddy Jones:
    Home is where the heart is.

    Mary:
    On the bus.
     
  9. freddy kreuger - Replied May 12, 2001

    Whereupon the house combo at the Brasserie drifts into a modified version of one of Toad-O's big hit numbers BUDDY JONES stares longingly at the little nozzles pooching out of Mary's moistened upper clothing, but it's too late...WARREN, one of the other guys from Joe's Garage Band has already recognized her (he's now one of the foremost disco-fusion rhythm guitar players on the Wet T-shirt Circuit, currently providing exciting strummery here in Miami), and is in the process of getting the details of her life on the bus with LARRY and the other jolly road crew lads. He eventually sends JOE a letter with this information in it...

    Central Scrutinizer:
    This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...Meanwhile, Joe hears about Mary's naughty exploits. He falls in with a fast crowd and gets seduced by a girl who works at the Jack-In-The-Box, named Lucille, who gives him an unpronounceable disease...

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Shortly after his liaison with the taco stand lady, JOE makes a horrible discovery...

    Joe:
    Why does it hurt when I pee?
    Why does it hurt when I pee?
    I don't want no doctor
    To stick no needle in me
    Why does it hurt when I pee?
    I got it from the toilet seat
    I got it from the toilet seat
    It jumped right up
    'N' grabbed my meat
    Got it from the toilet seat
    My balls feel like a pair of maracas
    My balls feel like a pair of maracas
    Oh God I probably got the
    Gon-o-ka-ka-khackus!
    My balls feel like a pair of maracas
    Ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!
    Why does it
    Why does it
    Why does it
    Why does it hurt...when I
    Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
     
  10. freddy kreuger - Replied May 12, 2001

    JOE is so disoriented by his disease, he goes in the other room and plays the title cut from an old Jeff Simmons album, and sings along with it.

    Joe:
    Lucille
    Has messed my mind up
    But I still love her
    Oh I still love her
    Lucille
    Has messed my mind up
    But I still love her
    Oh I still love her
    Lucille
    Has messed my mind up
    But I still need her
    You know I need her
    Whatcha tryna doota me
    Lucille?
    Whatcha tryna doota me
    Lucille?
    Whatcha tryna doota me
    Lucille?
    You got me goin' outa my mind
    Lucille
    Has tore my heart up
    But I still love her
    I really love her
    Lucille
    Has tore my heart up
    But I still need her
    You know I need her
    She treats me like my heart
    Is made of stone
    She runs around
    And leaves me home
    All alone
    She doesn't answer
    When I call her on the phone
    She messed up my mind
    I'm crying alla the time
    Lucille
    Has messed my mind up (etc., etc., etc.)

    Central Scrutinizer:
    This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...again, Hi!...It's me again, the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...Joe says Lucille has messed his mind up, but, was it the girl or was it the music? As you can see...girls, music, disease, heartbreak...they all go together...Joe found out the hard way, but his troubles were just beginning...his mind was so messed up...he could hardly do nothin'...He was in a quandary...being devoured by the swirling cesspool of his own steaming desires...the guy was a wreck...so...what does he do? For once, he does something SMART...he goes out...and pays a lot of money to L. Ron Hoover... at the First Church of Appliantology!
     
  11. freddy kreuger - Replied May 12, 2001

    Arriving at L. Ron Hoover's modernistic office / cathedral / warehouse / condominium complex, Joe is greeted by a pre-recorded message and a dramatically illuminated image on a wall-sized TV screen...

    L. Ron Hoover:
    Welcome to the First Church of Appliantology! The WHITE ZONE is for loading and unloading only!

    Don't you be Tarot-fied
    It's just a token
    of my extreme
    Don't you be Tarot-fied
    It's just a token
    of my extreme

    Don't you never try to
    look behind my eyes
    You don't wanna know
    what they have seen
    Don't you never try to
    look behind my eyes
    You don't wanna know
    what they have seen

    Joe: (thinking to himself)
    Some people think
    That if they go too far
    They'll never get back
    To where the rest of
    them are
    I might be crazy
    But there's one thing
    I know
    You might be surprised
    At what you find
    when ya go!

    And thus, having ration- alized his expedition to L. Ron's modernistic office / cathedral / warehouse / condominium complex, JOE seeks The Answer to his problem...

    Joe:
    Oh oh oh
    Mystical Advisor
    What is my problem,
    tell me
    Can you see?

    L. Ron Hoover:
    Well, you have nothing
    to fear, my son!
    You are a Latent
    Appliance Fetishist,
    It appears to me!

    Joe:
    That all seems very,
    very strange
    I never craved
    a toaster
    Or a color T.V.

    L. Ron Hoover:
    A Latent Appliance
    Fetishist
    Is a person who
    refuses to admit
    to his or herself
    That sexual
    gratification can
    only be achieved
    Through the use of
    MACHINES...
    Get the picture?

    Joe:
    Are you telling me
    I should come out
    of the closet now
    Mr. Ron?

    L. Ron Hoover:
    No, my son!
    You must go into
    THE CLOSET

    Joe:
    What?

    L. Ron Hoover:
    And you will have

    Joe:
    Heh?

    L. Ron Hoover:
    Hey!
    A lot of fun!
    That's where
    they all live
    So if you want an
    Appliance to love you
    You'll have to
    go in there
    'N' get you one

    Joe:
    Well...that seems
    simple enough...

    L. Ron Hoover:
    Yes, but if you want a
    really GOOD one,
    You'll have to learn a
    foreign language...

    Joe:
    German, for instance?

    L. Ron Hoover:
    That's right...
    A lot of really cute
    ones come from
    over there!
    (Fifty bucks, please)
    And a cheerful group of
    Appliantologists dance
    into the room wearing
    aluminum foil lab smocks,
    lock arms in a circle
    around JOE, making sure
    he pays in full, all the
    while singing with L. RON
    as he delivers his final
    instructions...

    L. Ron Hoover:
    If you been
    Mod-O-fied,
    It's an illusion,
    an yer in between
    Don't you be
    Tarot-fied,
    It's just a lot of nothin',
    So what can it mean?

    If you been
    Mod-O-fied,
    It's an illusion,
    an yer in between
    Don't you be
    Tarot-fied,
    It's just a lot of nothin',
    So what can it mean?

    If you been
    Mod-O-fied,
    It's an illusion,
    an yer in between...
     
  12. Comp

    Comp 12oz Senior Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2001
    Messages:
    2,134

    Comp - Replied May 12, 2001

    [​IMG]
     
    Comp - Rank: 12oz Senior Member - Messages:
    2,134
    - Joined:
    Mar 22, 2001
  13. freddy kreuger - Replied May 12, 2001

    ok, no one gets this othe rthan furie...i wont post the rest...it was fun though....
    heinekin!
    whoops!

    [This message has been edited by freddy kreuger (edited 05-12-2001).]
     
  14. freddy kreuger - Replied May 12, 2001

    [​IMG]
     
  15. kid furie

    kid furie 12oz Senior Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2000
    Messages:
    2,253

    kid furie - Replied May 12, 2001

    ahhhhhhhhhhh, freddy knows whats up!
     
    kid furie - Rank: 12oz Senior Member - Messages:
    2,253
    - Joined:
    Apr 25, 2000