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Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by SPORTO, Apr 17, 2005.


    SPORTO Senior Member

    Joined: Jan 6, 2005 Messages: 1,086 Likes Received: 10
    X-Files fans.
    Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

    Pet Owners.
    Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

    Olympic athletes.
    Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

    Car Drivers.
    Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

    Bus Drivers.
    Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

    Weight watchers.
    Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place.

    International master criminals.
    Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

    Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
    under the covers.

    Pet Owners.
    A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
    ideal "car" for snakes.

    Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
    direction of oncoming traffic.

    Office workers.
    Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by
    making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each

    House Owners
    Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
    during a powercut.

    Pet Owners .
    Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball.

    Dog owners.
    Give passers by the impression that
    your dog is well trained by ordering it to do
    whatever it happens to be doing already.

    I've just seen a film where, after a plane crashed
    in some mountains, the passengers had to eat each
    other in order to survive. All well and good, but
    what do the airlines expect vegetarians like myself
    to do in similar circumstances? Could scientists
    clone 'vegetable people', I wonder, a few of whom
    could travel on every flight to provide a vegetarian
    alternative to cannibalism in case of disaster.

    Pet Lovers.
    Convert black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries, sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on their nose in return for fish-
    shaped dog biscuits.

    Prevent bees and butterflies stealing your pollen by enclosing each flower head in a plastic bag securely fastened around the stem with a clothes pin.

    Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

    A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

    Star Trek Captains.
    When your ship is in imminent danger of being destroyed, save a great deal of hassle by thinking of the last thing you could possibly try, which might just work, and do that first.

    TV Viewers
    If you want to know the time during 'Baywatch' remember to put you wristwatch on the other hand.

    Pet Owners
    A wire brush makes an ideal bed of nails for a hamster.

    Save money on expensive nicotine chewing gum by chewing ordinary gum and smoking a cigarette at the same time

    Now that you have been out-manouvred by Wilkinson's Sword with their 4 blade razor as opposed to your pathetic 3, why not catch them off their guard and make a 5 blade model

    Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

    Protect your finances by investing in a tracker fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it

    When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

    Homeless People
    Discarded pallets make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.

    Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

    Music Lovers
    Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead

    Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

    When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it

    Mental Patients
    Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

    Avoid lusting after 15-year-old girls in your charge by picturing them engaged in much younger activities, such as sucking large lollipops or frolicking naked in a paddling pool.

    Deaf People
    Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.

    Blind People
    Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

    If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

    Car thieves
    Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

    For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera's red-eye reduction feature.

    boil an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

    Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the store, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

    Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
  2. CACashRefund

    CACashRefund 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Oct 8, 2004 Messages: 14,171 Likes Received: 272
    Funny hehe not funny haha
  3. Gunm

    Gunm Banned

    Joined: Aug 31, 2003 Messages: 12,427 Likes Received: 2
    The one for international criminals was pretty funny.
  4. boogie hands

    boogie hands 12oz Legend

    Joined: Feb 15, 2001 Messages: 16,059 Likes Received: 13
    the first one is funny because ive had a few drinks with lunch and i need a nap....

    the second one is just halarious....
  5. Tough Love

    Tough Love Senior Member

    Joined: Oct 10, 2004 Messages: 1,894 Likes Received: 2
  6. villain

    villain Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 12, 2002 Messages: 5,190 Likes Received: 2
  7. mackfatsoe

    mackfatsoe Veteran Member

    Joined: Oct 8, 2004 Messages: 6,532 Likes Received: 168
    some of em were pretty clever.

    where are these from?
  8. Gunm

    Gunm Banned

    Joined: Aug 31, 2003 Messages: 12,427 Likes Received: 2
    I'd say england or a british territory because they suggest using a "cricket" ball at one point. Cricket being an obscure cockney sport best suited for people with snobby british accents
  9. Poop Man Bob

    Poop Man Bob Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Nov 16, 2000 Messages: 10,259 Likes Received: 18
    "Pet Lovers.
    Convert black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries, sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits."

  10. Dr. Dazzle

    Dr. Dazzle Veteran Member

    Joined: Nov 19, 2001 Messages: 8,147 Likes Received: 3
    Viz comics. Seriously the funniest comic in the world....

    hey look, a website....
  11. krie

    krie Guest

    The washing machine one is funny