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SPORTO

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X-Files fans.

Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

 

Pet Owners.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

 

Olympic athletes.

Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

 

Car Drivers.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

 

Bus Drivers.

Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

 

Weight watchers.

Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place.

 

International master criminals.

Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

 

Children.

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding

under the covers.

 

Pet Owners.

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an

ideal "car" for snakes.

 

Walkers

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the

direction of oncoming traffic.

 

Office workers.

Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by

making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each

temple.

 

House Owners

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player

during a powercut.

 

Pet Owners .

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball.

 

Dog owners.

Give passers by the impression that

your dog is well trained by ordering it to do

whatever it happens to be doing already.

 

Scientists.

I've just seen a film where, after a plane crashed

in some mountains, the passengers had to eat each

other in order to survive. All well and good, but

what do the airlines expect vegetarians like myself

to do in similar circumstances? Could scientists

clone 'vegetable people', I wonder, a few of whom

could travel on every flight to provide a vegetarian

alternative to cannibalism in case of disaster.

 

Pet Lovers.

Convert black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries, sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on their nose in return for fish-

shaped dog biscuits.

 

Gardeners

Prevent bees and butterflies stealing your pollen by enclosing each flower head in a plastic bag securely fastened around the stem with a clothes pin.

 

Geeks.

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

 

Workers

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

 

Star Trek Captains.

When your ship is in imminent danger of being destroyed, save a great deal of hassle by thinking of the last thing you could possibly try, which might just work, and do that first.

 

TV Viewers

If you want to know the time during 'Baywatch' remember to put you wristwatch on the other hand.

 

Pet Owners

A wire brush makes an ideal bed of nails for a hamster.

 

Smokers

Save money on expensive nicotine chewing gum by chewing ordinary gum and smoking a cigarette at the same time

 

Gillette

Now that you have been out-manouvred by Wilkinson's Sword with their 4 blade razor as opposed to your pathetic 3, why not catch them off their guard and make a 5 blade model

 

Murderers

Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

 

Leprechauns

Protect your finances by investing in a tracker fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it

 

Burglars.

When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

 

Homeless People

Discarded pallets make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.

 

Employers

Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

 

Music Lovers

Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead

 

Women

Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

 

Men

When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it

 

Mental Patients

Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

 

Teachers

Avoid lusting after 15-year-old girls in your charge by picturing them engaged in much younger activities, such as sucking large lollipops or frolicking naked in a paddling pool.

 

Deaf People

Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.

 

Blind People

Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

 

Drivers.

If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

 

Car thieves

Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

 

Diabolists

For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera's red-eye reduction feature.

 

Cooks

boil an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

 

Alcoholics

Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the store, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

 

McDonalds

Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

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Originally posted by SPORTO@Apr 17 2005, 01:30 PM

Car Drivers.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

 

Blind People

Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

 

the first one is funny because ive had a few drinks with lunch and i need a nap....

 

the second one is just halarious....

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Originally posted by mackfatsoe@Apr 17 2005, 09:01 PM

some of em were pretty clever.

 

where are these from?

 

I'd say england or a british territory because they suggest using a "cricket" ball at one point. Cricket being an obscure cockney sport best suited for people with snobby british accents

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"Pet Lovers.

Convert black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries, sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits."

 

Haha.

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