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TOP TIPS

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by SPORTO, Apr 17, 2005.

  1. SPORTO

    SPORTO 12oz Senior Member

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,086

    TOP TIPS

    Discussion started by SPORTO - Apr 17, 2005

    X-Files fans.
    Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

    Pet Owners.
    Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

    Olympic athletes.
    Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

    Car Drivers.
    Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

    Bus Drivers.
    Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

    Weight watchers.
    Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place.

    International master criminals.
    Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

    Children.
    Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
    under the covers.

    Pet Owners.
    A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
    ideal "car" for snakes.

    Walkers
    Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
    direction of oncoming traffic.

    Office workers.
    Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by
    making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each
    temple.

    House Owners
    Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
    during a powercut.

    Pet Owners .
    Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball.

    Dog owners.
    Give passers by the impression that
    your dog is well trained by ordering it to do
    whatever it happens to be doing already.

    Scientists.
    I've just seen a film where, after a plane crashed
    in some mountains, the passengers had to eat each
    other in order to survive. All well and good, but
    what do the airlines expect vegetarians like myself
    to do in similar circumstances? Could scientists
    clone 'vegetable people', I wonder, a few of whom
    could travel on every flight to provide a vegetarian
    alternative to cannibalism in case of disaster.

    Pet Lovers.
    Convert black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries, sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on their nose in return for fish-
    shaped dog biscuits.

    Gardeners
    Prevent bees and butterflies stealing your pollen by enclosing each flower head in a plastic bag securely fastened around the stem with a clothes pin.

    Geeks.
    Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

    Workers
    A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

    Star Trek Captains.
    When your ship is in imminent danger of being destroyed, save a great deal of hassle by thinking of the last thing you could possibly try, which might just work, and do that first.

    TV Viewers
    If you want to know the time during 'Baywatch' remember to put you wristwatch on the other hand.

    Pet Owners
    A wire brush makes an ideal bed of nails for a hamster.

    Smokers
    Save money on expensive nicotine chewing gum by chewing ordinary gum and smoking a cigarette at the same time

    Gillette
    Now that you have been out-manouvred by Wilkinson's Sword with their 4 blade razor as opposed to your pathetic 3, why not catch them off their guard and make a 5 blade model

    Murderers
    Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

    Leprechauns
    Protect your finances by investing in a tracker fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it

    Burglars.
    When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

    Homeless People
    Discarded pallets make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.

    Employers
    Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

    Music Lovers
    Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead

    Women
    Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

    Men
    When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it

    Mental Patients
    Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

    Teachers
    Avoid lusting after 15-year-old girls in your charge by picturing them engaged in much younger activities, such as sucking large lollipops or frolicking naked in a paddling pool.

    Deaf People
    Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.

    Blind People
    Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

    Drivers.
    If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

    Car thieves
    Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

    Diabolists
    For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera's red-eye reduction feature.

    Cooks
    boil an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

    Alcoholics
    Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the store, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

    McDonalds
    Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
     
    SPORTO - Rank: 12oz Senior Member - Messages:
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  2. CACashRefund

    CACashRefund 12oz Loyalist

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    Oct 8, 2004
    Messages:
    14,171

    CACashRefund - Replied Apr 17, 2005

    Funny hehe not funny haha
     
    CACashRefund - Rank: 12oz Loyalist - Messages:
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  3. Gunm

    Gunm Banned

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    Gunm - Replied Apr 17, 2005

    The one for international criminals was pretty funny.
     
    Gunm - Rank: Banned - Messages:
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  4. boogie hands

    boogie hands 12oz Legend

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2001
    Messages:
    16,059

    boogie hands - Replied Apr 17, 2005

    the first one is funny because ive had a few drinks with lunch and i need a nap....

    the second one is just halarious....
     
    boogie hands - Rank: 12oz Legend - Messages:
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  5. Tough Love

    Tough Love 12oz Senior Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2004
    Messages:
    1,894

    Tough Love - Replied Apr 17, 2005

    booooring
     
    Tough Love - Rank: 12oz Senior Member - Messages:
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  6. villain

    villain 12oz Veteran Member

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    Jul 12, 2002
    Messages:
    5,190

    villain - Replied Apr 17, 2005

     
    villain - Rank: 12oz Veteran Member - Messages:
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  7. mackfatsoe

    mackfatsoe 12oz Veteran Member

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    Oct 8, 2004
    Messages:
    6,532

    mackfatsoe - Replied Apr 17, 2005

    some of em were pretty clever.

    where are these from?
     
    mackfatsoe - Rank: 12oz Veteran Member - Messages:
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  8. Gunm

    Gunm Banned

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    Gunm - Replied Apr 17, 2005

    I'd say england or a british territory because they suggest using a "cricket" ball at one point. Cricket being an obscure cockney sport best suited for people with snobby british accents
     
    Gunm - Rank: Banned - Messages:
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  9. Poop Man Bob

    Poop Man Bob Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2000
    Messages:
    10,259

    Poop Man Bob - Replied Apr 18, 2005

    "Pet Lovers.
    Convert black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries, sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits."

    Haha.
     
    Poop Man Bob - Rank: Dirty Dozen Crew - Messages:
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  10. Dr. Dazzle

    Dr. Dazzle 12oz Veteran Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2001
    Messages:
    8,147

    Dr. Dazzle - Replied Apr 18, 2005

    Viz comics. Seriously the funniest comic in the world....

    hey look, a website....
     
    Dr. Dazzle - Rank: 12oz Veteran Member - Messages:
    8,147
    - Joined:
    Nov 19, 2001
  11. krie

    krie Guest

    krie - Replied Apr 18, 2005

    The washing machine one is funny