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time to put your money where your mouth is...ROB

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by mental invalid, Sep 10, 2004.

  1. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    ...put em in a field, and let em fight it out....



    Free Will Astrology
    horoscopes for week of September 9, 2004

    Aries (March 21-April 19)

    Two wrongs may make a right this week. A mistake could lead to a lucky break, and some questionable decisions could result in you looking like a genius. The karma in your vicinity is extremely odd, Aries. It's as if you can't get the opportunities you need unless something goes awry. It's like the only way you can meet your date with destiny is if you're under an illusion about what your date with destiny is.


    Taurus (April 20-May 20)

    I'm tempted to address you as "Your Majesty" or "Your Grace." There's something regal about your mood. What's going on? Are you realizing how much power you have to create the life you really want? Are you ready to shake the misguided belief that others are in control of your destiny? I won't be upset, Taurus, if you issue the equivalent of royal decrees in the coming week. And I'll be pleased if you act on Robert Anton Wilson's assertion that "Reality is what you can get away with."


    Gemini (May 21-June 20)

    If you believe your body is inherently sinful or if you're offended by references to your private parts, stop reading now. Still here? Good. The fact is, dear Gemini, that this is a perfect time to celebrate, explore, and reinvent your relationship with your genitals. It's your sacred duty to strip away every negative association about them that you may have acquired in the past. Do whatever it takes to arrive at the understanding that your sexual organs are among the most sublime gifts the Divine Creator has given you. Have fun with them, worship them, teach them greater discipline, and in general lift them to the exalted state they deserve.



    Cancer (June 21-July 22)

    This week you may frequently experience a psychological state called "schizofriendia." As defined by one of my readers, Lewis, schizofriendia is a condition in which people hear voices in their heads that are unfailingly supportive, encouraging, and keen to offer constructive advice about how to make the most of everything that happens. It's true, my fellow Cancerian, that in the past the little voices in our heads have only occasionally been reliable sources of information. But they will more than compensate for that during the Golden Age of Self-Healing that's just ahead.


    Leo (July 23-August 22)

    In many cultures, the dove has served as a symbol of divinity, purity, and peace. To Muslims and Christians, for instance, it represents the Holy Spirit. In contrast, the pigeon is often regarded as a nuisance whose prolific droppings are an eyesore and health hazard. And yet the terms "dove" and "pigeon" are used interchangeably for many species of birds; they're essentially the same. I mention this, Leo, because I think you'll have a dove-pigeon thing happening for you this week. A certain situation will have both a lyrical, harmonious side and a banal, bedraggled aspect. They go together; you can't have the dove without the pigeon.


    Virgo (August 23-September 22)

    As the relentless nihilism of the mass media threatens to quash our ability to even perceive, let alone exult in life's glorious beauty, we need new words to remind us to see with our own eyes. I have one: mirabilia, which is actually an old term that hasn't been used much in the last 400 years. Its literal definition is "marvels that inspire wonder," but I'd like to add the following nuances: beguiling curiosities, enigmatic joys, changes that inspire amused awe, and sudden deliverance from boring evils. I'm happy to report that you Virgos, more than any other sign, are currently poised to see, create, and attract mirabilia.


    Libra (September 23-October 22)

    I have never before called on the help of actress Mae West to illuminate your horoscope. Her cracked wisdom is so relentlessly arch and ironic that it's rarely useful as advice. Given the extraordinary nature of your current astrological omens, however, I'm now going to be utterly sincere as I recommend that you pattern yourself after her. Mae once said, "When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better." For a limited time only, Libra, you have the right to speak these words as if they were your deepest truth.



    Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

    You're at the climax of your yearly cycle, Scorpio. That means you have the power to harvest the best possible outcomes of all the themes you've been developing since your last birthday. Here are two pieces of advice to help you make the most of this magic moment. 1. Use the system but don't let it use you. Refuse to believe that any bureaucracy or organization is stronger than you. 2. Frequently ask yourself the following question: "What is the most fun, productive, and liberating action I can take right now?"


    Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

    In his live show, "Monster," Irish comedian Dylan Moran tells audience members not to fulfill their potential. "It's like your bank balance," he says. "You always have a lot less than you think. Don't look at it. It's like a locked door within yourself. Leave it that way." A review in The New Yorker reported this rant admiringly, as if it were unique and witty. In my view, though, it's actually hackneyed and idiotic. Most of us have received some version of that cynical advice over and over again. I do think it's important to recognize how prevalent Moran's philosophy is, because then you have more power to reject it. So that's part one of your assignment, Sagittarius: Recall all the times you've been told, either blatantly or covertly, that you have less potential than you imagine. Part two: Open the locked door within you and gaze at your potential, knowing there's a lot more of it than you think.



    Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

    In my mind, there are no ambiguities about your immediate future. Here are the three precise formulas that sum up all you need to know. 1. If you clean out the stultifying chaos in your closet, your garage, or your mind, you will set in motion events that will ultimately bring you in contact with fretile, delightful chaos. 2. As soon as you dispense with once-useful stuff you don't need any more, you will be delivered from a supposedly "necessary" evil. 3. If you cut down on your use of careless language and tame your reflex to judge people harshly, you will be given the key to a treasure you didn't even know existed.


    Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

    To the Sioux, storms that replenish the earth with heavy rain are Thunder Beings. The Mayan god of fertility and agriculture is the beneficent Chaac, who demonstrates his friendship to humans by sending them thunder and rain. For the Algonquins, Michabo is the creator of the earth and the human race. He is also master of the thunder and wind. Tawhiki is the Polynesian god of thunder and lightning, as well as the provider of good health and he who bestows the skill of building fine houses. I believe that in the coming week, Aquarius, you will have the chance to be in intimate communion with a thunder god or goddess who has much in common with these deities.


    Pisces (February 19-March 20)

    For a decade I've enjoyed observing the long growing cycle of the persimmon tree in my front yard. Its new leaves bud in February, but its fruits aren't ready to eat until December. This July there was an event I've never seen in previous years. A branch became so heavy with ripening persimmons that it broke off and fell to the ground. While it was sad at the time, I now notice that the persimmons on the remaining branches are bigger than they usually are in September. I expect that around Christmas time, I may fewer blooms than in previous years, but they'll be of record-breaking size. The entire scenario I just described is an apt metaphor for your year, Pisces. Whatever you lost a couple of months ago will result in you getting fewer but bigger rewards by the end of 2004.
     
  2. Gunm

    Gunm Banned

    Joined: Aug 31, 2003 Messages: 12,427 Likes Received: 1
    I'd say mine is pretty dead on
     
  3. slave_one

    slave_one Elite Member

    Joined: Apr 4, 2003 Messages: 2,745 Likes Received: 2
    yay i've got potential...whatever that means.
     
  4. villain

    villain Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 12, 2002 Messages: 5,190 Likes Received: 2
    Umm... "no comment".:scowl:
     
  5. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8

    hey-oh!!
     
  6. Devilush

    Devilush 12oz Legend

    Joined: Feb 1, 2001 Messages: 17,035 Likes Received: 2
    holy fuck balls. just in time for a major change in my life. that is if i make this major decision that has been making me very heavy hearted for the past few months or so. i'm scared as shit.
     
  7. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    dev, was going through my scrap box shoe box last night and found some old copies of short cuts...still awesome...
     
  8. Devilush

    Devilush 12oz Legend

    Joined: Feb 1, 2001 Messages: 17,035 Likes Received: 2
    awe. thats awesome that you still keep them mental. if you want, i can pass some new ones to you. its still awesome! i guarantee it!
     
  9. WebsterUno

    WebsterUno Guest

    *believe*

    "i want a fried chicken dinner, with gravy on my taters...
    i want to shit in your hat, and i have to have mae west
    sit on my face, cuzz im one horny mother fucker!"



    hahaha...this weeks couldnt be more true.

    thanks
     
  10. effyoo

    effyoo Elite Member

    Joined: Sep 2, 2002 Messages: 4,703 Likes Received: 0
    "Reality is what you can get away with." i like that.
     
  11. THE CORONER

    THE CORONER Banned

    Joined: Jun 2, 2004 Messages: 2,171 Likes Received: 0
    all i know is is that i like doves and not pigeons, weird
     
  12. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
  13. <KEY3>

    <KEY3> Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 24, 2004 Messages: 6,878 Likes Received: 2
    yeah... I was away.

    Aries: (March 21—April 19)
    Your beloved Sparky will shock you by traveling 1,000 miles back to you. But then again, loyalty is the reason you married him in the first place.

    Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
    It's going to be a busy, nerve-wracking week, but by the end, you'll be elevated to Imperator For Life Of The Greater Taurus Economic Co-Prosperity Sphere.

    Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
    No one's ever called you a rich, sexy genius, but that was before National Say Hurtfully Untrue Things Day.

    Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
    You'll help realize Western civilization's oldest dream, but it's only the one about getting to school late on exam day.

    Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
    An unlikely coincidence involving the spontaneous combustion of your trousers and their subsequent suspension from communications cables will not be enough to teach you to tell the truth.

    Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
    You're working hard on your list of songs you want played at your funeral, but the flawed premise of the project is that it assumes the presence of attendees.


    Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
    Your reading group insists that the Iowa School is more concerned with list-making than with producing good fiction, but frankly, you just wanted to talk about hobbits.

    Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
    Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.

    Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
    Romance and a felicitous atmosphere for new projects are foretold by the moon passing through your sign this week, as well as—wait a second! That's no moon!

    Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
    It's difficult to be compassionate and loving in today's increasingly cruel world. The term "diminishing returns" comes to mind.

    Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
    You'll be repeatedly cited as a living refutation of the Great Man theory of history.

    Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
    All the stars in your sign have an important message of hope, but you may not get it before the sudden explosion in your galactic spiral arm Wednesday.
     
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