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This weeks news in brief.

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by suburbian bum, May 12, 2003.

  1. suburbian bum

    suburbian bum 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Jan 30, 2001 Messages: 14,673 Likes Received: 3
    Thousands Dead In Indonesia Again
    JAKARTA, INDONESIA—Several days of relative calm in Indonesia came to an end Friday when a massive volcanic eruption buried most of Jakarta, killing thousands of Indonesians yet again. "I had a feeling we were due for another mass death," said Manu Palopo of Jakarta. "There hadn't been a disaster since last Wednesday, when that train derailed, killing 513. And it had been nearly a month since we'd had an earthquake, typhoon, or some other natural disaster that killed more than 1,000." A public memorial service for volcano victims turned tragic when an unexpectedly large turnout caused hundreds to be trampled to death.

    Pepsi Super Bowl Ad Raises Worldwide Pepsi-Awareness .00000000001 Percent
    SOMERS, NY—A 60-second, $2.6 million ad aired during the Super Bowl has raised global awareness of Pepsi .00000000001 percent, Pepsi officials said Monday. Specifically, the ad raised Pepsi-awareness in Tak Huun, 71, a Mongolian goatherder and one of five known humans not familiar with Pepsi. "This $2.6 million was money well spent. With it, Pepsi has finally achieved 99.9999999999 percent global saturation and cracked the hard-to-reach Tak Huun market," Pepsico's Ken Doyle said. "We now look forward to introducing Pepsi to Mala N'dougou of Gabon and babies born in comas." Chief Pepsi rival Coca-Cola will soon launch its own $11 million ad blitz targeting Huun.

    6-Year-Old Announces Plans To Become Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess
    MILESBURG, PA—In a pre-bedtime announcement before family members Monday, area 6-year-old Stephanie Ambrose unveiled plans to become a ballerina gymnast veterinarian horseback-riding princess when she grows up. "Ashley is very much interested in that particular field," said Patricia Ambrose, the girl's mother. "But she's still keeping her options open and strongly considering becoming an astronaut actress president basketball-playing magic fairy."

    Freak Accident Paralyzes Man From Waist Up
    MESA, AZ—A bizarre spinal injury sustained in a car accident Sunday has left local resident Roberto Montenegro paralyzed from the waist up. "Roberto is back on his feet," said Mesa General Hospital head of surgery William Maxon. "Unfortunately, though, he has lost all feeling in his head, arms, and torso. No longer able to move from the waist up, he cannot eat, speak, dial a telephone, type, open doors, or look sideways." Doctors said Montenegro should be able to resume his career as a professional soccer player as early as next week.

    Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way
    LOUISVILLE, KY—With great fanfare Thursday, Taco Bell unveiled the Grandito, an exciting new permutation of refried beans, ground beef, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and a corn tortilla. "You've never tasted Taco Bell's five ingredients combined quite like this," Taco Bell CEO Walt Berenyi said. "The revolutionary new Grandito, with its ground beef on top of the cheese but under the beans, is configured unlike anything you've ever eaten at Taco Bell." The fast-food chain made waves earlier this year with its introduction of the Zestito, in which the beans are on top of the lettuce, and the Mexiwrap, in which the tortilla is slightly more oblong.

    God Proclaims Raspberries 'Now Even More Berrilicious'
    HEAVEN—Seeking to boost sales of His tart, fruity product, God announced Monday that starting March 1, the great taste of raspberries will be "even more berrilicious." "Get ready for a whole new taste sensation," God said. "Soon, raspberries will be bursting with so much outrageous fruit flavor, you'll want to call them 'razzle-dazzleberries.'" If raspberry consumption fails to increase, other changes are in store, including "magic color-change berries," available on bushes for a limited time next spring. "Slam that great fruity taste in your face," God urged.

    Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized
    BALTIMORE—On Friday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which causes homosexuality in human males, promptly separating it from normal, heterosexual genes. "I had suspected that gene was queer for a long time now. There was just something not quite right about it," team leader Dr. Norbert Reynolds said. "It's a good thing we isolated it—I wouldn't want that faggot-ass gene messing with the straight ones." Among the factors Reynolds cited as evidence of the gene's gayness were its pinkish hue, meticulously frilly perimeter, and faint but distinct perfume-like odor.

    Ünited Stätes Toughens Image With Umlauts
    WASHINGTON, DC—In a move designed to make the United States seem more "bad-assed and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner," Congress passed a bill Monday changing the nation's name to the Ünited Stätes of Ämerica. "Much like Mötley Crüe and Motörhead, the Ünited Stätes is not to be messed with," said Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK). An upcoming redesign of the Ämerican flag will feature the new name in burnished silver wrought in a jagged, gothic font and bolted to a black background. A new national anthem is also in the works, to be written by composer Glenn Danzig and tentatively titled "Howl Of The She-Demon."
  2. fr8lover

    fr8lover Elite Member

    Joined: Oct 22, 2000 Messages: 3,919 Likes Received: 1
    this isnt this weeks onion...this some kind of ripoff paper?
  3. Smart

    Smart Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Apr 14, 2000 Messages: 17,017 Likes Received: 178
    no, I'm sure he wrote it all himself... that's why he didn't credit the source, of course, of course
  4. 455

    455 Guest

    Taco Bell-the late-night laxitive.
  5. im not witty

    im not witty Guest

    im in briefs right now.:idea:
  6. suburbian bum

    suburbian bum 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Jan 30, 2001 Messages: 14,673 Likes Received: 3
    From the onion website, old ones.
  7. im not witty

    im not witty Guest

    these are onion articles from years ago.
  8. im not witty

    im not witty Guest

  9. metallix

    metallix Elite Member

    Joined: Oct 7, 2001 Messages: 2,955 Likes Received: 1