These are misprints or poorly worded phrases that have been printed in actual news pa

These are misprints or poorly worded phrases that have been printed in actual news papers

 

 

some quality stuff:

 

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

 

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

 

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

 

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

 

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers

 

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover

 

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too

 

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

 

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

 

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

 

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

 

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

 

Great Dames for sale.

 

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

 

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

 

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

 

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

 

"If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

 

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

 

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

 

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

 

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

 

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

 

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

 

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

 

Man, honest. Will take anything.

 

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

 

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

 

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

 

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

 

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

 

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

 

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

 

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

 

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

 

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

 

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

 

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

 

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

 

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

 

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

 

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

 

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

 

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00

 

wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not garanteed. I have only done this once before.

 

Wanted: Used Paint

 

Feces won't close pool for a day again.

 

Canned Kitten

 

EPA might restrict amounts of weed killer in tap water.

 

Six men, their faces covered with red bandanas, got out of a Cherokee carrying a knife, baseball bat, billy club, and rolling pin, said Davis, 20. I knew when I saw the rolling pin that something bad was going down, Davis said.

 

Free: farm kittens, ready to eat

 

Jello brand toilet tissue, regular, sugar free, fat free.

 

Fireproof clothing factory burns to ground

 

Oatmeal rasin cookies: Ingredients- ham, water, pasturized cheese, salt, dried whey

 

Lost cat, last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club Shooting Range

 

Air board to study fast food emmisions.

 

Fedral agents raid gun shop, find weapons.

 

Main Street Pizza: we deliver, or pick up

 

Lose All your weight: Only $49.00

 

State prisons to replace easy open locks

 

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

 

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

 

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

 

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

 

Homossassa, FL. A man went into a hardware store to apply for a job. After completing his application he then went to the section of the store that sold guns. He asked to see a couple guns. The attendent left for a moment and the guy stole the guns. Not only was he video-taped, the police used the address on his application to go to his house and arrest him.

 

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

 

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

 

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

 

House passes gas tax onto senate

 

Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan

 

Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

 

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

 

Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes

 

NJ judge to rule on nude beach

 

Child's stool great for use in garden Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

 

Eye drops off shelf

 

Squad helps dog bite victim

 

Never withhold herpes from loved one

 

Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do

give me some more:

 

* '93 PONTIAC LEMONS - LOW MILES

 

 

* FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART DOG

 

 

* 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

 

 

* BLACK FACE COWS, CALVES... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

 

 

* VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS

 

 

* STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

 

 

* DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED.

 

 

* FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG

 

 

* FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

 

 

* SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 cents

 

 

* GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

 

 

* FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

 

 

* FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.

 

 

* <http://www.whas.com/whatsnew/toyotahunch.jpg> '83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

 

 

* FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

 

 

* CHARMIN ULTRA BATHROOM TISSUE -- BONELESS

 

* NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at:

 

 

* BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

 

 

* SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

 

 

<http://www.whas.com/whatsnew/whitedog.jpg>

* FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE...BETTER BE A REWARD.

 

 

* HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

 

 

* PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5

 

 

* HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

 

 

* GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

 

 

* CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER

 

 

* NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINE

 

 

* BORDER COLLIE FEMALE TO A GOOD HOE. GOOD WITH CHILDREN.

 

 

* WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!

 

 

* BARBIE COUNTRY RIDE -- (note: most dolls cannot pedal the bike).

 

 

* FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT

 

 

* FROZEN SOFT & GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS

 

 

* AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100

 

 

* KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.

 

 

* TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

 

 

* NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.

 

 

* THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD

 

 

* EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175.

 

 

* OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

 

 

* OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

 

 

* FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

 

* AZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

 

 

* SO FRENCH, AFTER ONE CUP YOU'LL WANT TO GO OUI, OUI.

these threads are gettin played out

^ Great, Then do what my quote suggest and let it sink to the bottom.

"There was a tragedy in Arbuttus" you MD guys might know of that town Arbutus

* NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.

 

 

 

hahaha hating that if u stole that pumpkin!

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

 

^^^^that one got me

Damn you made alot of threads today....

this shits got me cracking up

Dude......step off Leno's jock.......

 

Did I word that right? Do I sound gangster enough??

Leno, got his style from me. The reason i made so many threads yesterday, is because I felt left out, and needed some attention.