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The Most Frivolous Lawsuits Ever ...

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by Poop Man Bob, Feb 9, 2002.

  1. Poop Man Bob

    Poop Man Bob Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Nov 16, 2000 Messages: 10,259 Likes Received: 18
    I grabbed these from this site: http://shayne-michael.com/c-12.htm

    • Three Yemeni men claiming to have ownership of Mars have sued NASA because of the Pathfinder landing. “We inherited the planet from our ancestors 3,000 years ago,” say the men. “Sojourner and Pathfinder... began exploring it without informing us or seeking our approval.” It's true, I sold this guy property on Jupiter. I only got a few thousand dollars because of the Methane gas problem and that fact that you'd die if you ever tried to move there. However, the contract is perfectly enforceable.
    • In Orlando, a lawsuit was filed against a rental car company by the estate of a woman who was killed in a car crash by an Irish drunk driver. The suit alleges that the rental car company should be liable for the woman’s death because the company “either knew or should have known about the unique cultural and ethnic customs in Ireland which involve the regular consumption of alcohol at pubs as a major component to Irish social life.” The moral here... Do not rent to the Irish... Thank God I'm Italian.
    • A Los Angeles lawyer and self avowed “deadhead” sued a fellow lawyer in his office for intentional infliction of emotional distress for joking about the death of Grateful Dead band leader Jerry Garcia. How could anyone afford law school after spending half their savings on pot?
    • A lady who got a bad hair cut sued the hair dresser for assault and battery. The hair dresser said, ``I was shocked by the severity of the lawsuit. I didn't cut off an arm or a leg, I just gave a bad haircut.''
    • An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job. You know, there were a lot of high school parties I was never invited to. Heather, I think you owe me some money. $100,000 should cover it. Don't worry, putting your kid through college just isn't that important.
    • A prison inmate sued the state of Colorado because he said, ``Everyone knows an inmate only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence.
    • Another Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music. Now, if he had been forced to listen to Billy Ray Cyrus he might have won.
    • A man sued his mother for the cost of suing his repair truck. She filed a countersuit demanding the court give her son the whipping that she failed to give him as a child.
    • Outraged by a referee's call, several Washington Redskins fans filed a lawsuit in federal court demanding it be overturned.
    • The University of Michigan was sued for $853,000 by a disgruntled student who received an F in German. Right now if I could use this case as a precedent, I would be entitled to four times that much.
    • A San Quentin death row inmate sued California because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal Service. Let's let this jerk take his complaint to an armed and disgruntled postal worker.
    • A Virginia inmate sued himself for $5 million because he got drunk and violated his religious beliefs causing him to commit a crime. Of course the inmate didn't have $5 million so he wanted the state to pick up the tab.
    • General Motors was sued for $6 trillion, that's $6,000,000,000,000, on behalf of all persons everywhere, born and unborn, and all future generations.
    • The National Parks Service was sued for $2.5 million when visitors to a federal park were struck by lightening. So weather men, be absolutely sure about yourself when you say it won't rain.
    • The city of San Carlos, California filed a lawsuit against Ryan McDonell, a kid who was hit by a city truck. The city wanted to recover the driver's medical expenses, workers compensation, and repairs to the truck. It's nice to know, that the government cares so much about our children.
    • Willie Johnson sued Mercury for inflating a car loan by $1,000. Though his damages were only $1,000 a jury awarded him, $90,000. They then fined Mercury with a $50 million fine, proving Jury's consist of 12 idiots who get paid $5 a day to make bad decisions because they can't find a real job.
    • Frank Menssina of Centerville, Pennsylvania sued the Pennsylvania Transportation Department for $5,764,609,563,143,700.48 for ruining his reputation as a driver by suspending his license. The national debt is smaller. What moronic trucker has an ego big enough to believe he'd make that much in a life time? Furthermore, how did he get such an exact figure? And would he be upset if he didn't get the 48 cents?

    1LIFE2LIVE Guest

    (Enter scene with Dominic and Kaitlin at their marraige. They are reciting their vows when Dominic's crazed ex-fiancee Belle barges through the door, wielding an assault rifle. Cue danger music. She's dressed somewhere in between a housewife and Rambo, replete with a black headband, old stonewashed jeans, camo face paint, and barettes. All wedding guests stand up and gasp, and the bride and groom to be turn around in shock and dismay.)

    Belle: (crazed and obviously insane) Dominic! You bastard! How could you!!!!! (raises the assault rifle and fires several rounds into the church ceiling. Chunks of plaster fall and several guests are knocked out, but don't get amnesia since they're bit characters)

    Dominic: Belle...we broke up months ago. I'm NOT cheating on you! Our relationship ended when you sued me for punitive damages in episode 2 of last season..........what's with that get-up, anyways?

    Belle: (Firing off another round, freeing a concrete angel from the rafters. Guests scream in terror) You proposed to me! How could I not sue you for emotional distress? Don't you see what you did to me? Look at this outfit! (plucks at her ammo belt) I'm trying to impress you!!!!!!

    Kaitlin: You are a crazed woman.

    Belle: (infuriated, she lets several more bullets fly. Guests scream and all that shit) Don't you talk to me that way, hoochie-mama! I'll sue you too!

    Dominic: (slyly) Why Belle.....you realize that I'm obligated to take you to court after such an outburst. I'll have to sue for millions, at least. Damages to my personal reputation, defamation of my wife-to-be's character, ruining my wedding, mental anguish for both of us.....and that's not including the damages to the church and mental anguish for every single guest here.

    Belle: (taken aback, slightly lowering her firearm) What? You're going to sue me? You can't sue me!

    Everybody: (in chorus, if possible) Oh yes we can!

    (Dominic's lawyer meekly steps out from the pews and whispers to the insane bitch with the AK-47. Her face twists in a grimace of disgust.)

    Belle: Noooooo!!!!!! (slow motion) Scroooo yooooo bastaaaaards!!!!! (cue action music)

    (With that she levels the rifle at the happy and beautiful couple and fire away. They drop in a smoky haze of gunsmoke. Bits of corsage, tuxedo, and bouquet flutter to the floor. The church is utterly silent. Belle stands there, eyes blazing with madness, her chest heaving.)

    (Cut to commercial, to build suspense. Fade scene back in, the church still hazy with gunsmoke. Some shuffling from the head of the church, and Dominic and Kaitlin stagger back to their feet.)

    Belle: (shocked beyond belief) H....how?

    (Dominic stands up and rips off his tuxedo top, revealing not only bulging sweaty muscles, but also a bulletproof vest. Kaitlin also produces her own dainty body armor, woven into her wedding gown.)

    Kaitlin: Since Dominic is head detective of the homocide unit, he makes us wear bulletproof vests at all times. And, unfortunately for you, handguns and stun batons!

    (The happy couple bum rush the crazed Belle, whaling on her with stun batons until her face reminds you of a DiGiorno rising-crust pepperoni pizza. She is knocked unconscious and develops a strong case of amnesia. The guests cheer and mob the unconcious and amnesiatic Belle, pummeling her further and tossing her into the street, where a waiting ambulance transports her to General Hospital. She will be treated so her character, still a popular mainstay of the series, will be useful in further episodes of this terrible soap opera.)

    (The wedding commences, the priest miraculously evading gunfire, and the happy couple are pronounced man and wife without having to sue anyone. Most of the guests manage to sue Belle for several thousand dollars. Not only will she have no memory, but she will awaken from her coma with absolutely no money and be forced to live on the street. In fact, she will be in debt. Cue happy wedding music as the scene ends with a panning shot of Kaitlin tossing her mangled bouquet and stepping into the witing limousine.)
  3. kaesthebluntedwonder

    kaesthebluntedwonder Elite Member

    Joined: May 16, 2000 Messages: 3,066 Likes Received: 1
  4. Poop Man Bob

    Poop Man Bob Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Nov 16, 2000 Messages: 10,259 Likes Received: 18
  5. NATO

    NATO Guest

    what a bunch of twats. i don't even know how people have the nerve to file that sought of shit bogging down the justice system. gas them all. die die die.
  6. Kr430n5_666

    Kr430n5_666 Banned

    Joined: Oct 6, 2004 Messages: 19,229 Likes Received: 30
    "i suck at everything"
  7. ASER1NE

    ASER1NE Veteran Member

    Joined: Oct 15, 2001 Messages: 7,578 Likes Received: 3
    i didnt read any of that bc it was too long and it probly was dumb anyhow ..................but wouldnt it be cool to have a pet buffalo , just ride it around the neighbourhood and stuff................good times