THE HOLIDAY SEASON MEGA DOUCHE BAG

YES. the holiday season is in full swing and one of the best days of the year BLACK FRIDAY is THIS WEEK!!!! malls and boutiques are gonna be PACKED with suburbanites in a consumerist frenzy. i can't wait to go watch soccer moms beat eachother up over ipods. hahaha.

right now im sipping hot cider and wearing a michael kors sweater.

what are you doing for the holidays? thanksgiving celebrations will be taking place at my family's new house, which i am VERY stoked about since we're all scrambling to finish major home-improvements ALL this week. walls are being slathered in ralph lauren, porcelain tiles are being laid, TVs mounted, etc etc. i am gonna gain like 15 pounds on thursday which is definitely a plus AND our turkeys this year are gonna be DEEP FRIED. FUCK a weak nigger baked turkey this bird is gonna be dripping in delectable seasoned GREASE mmmmmmmm and washed down with champagne and plum wine.

then on friday for post-thanksgiving fun i'll be going to new orleans to take care of transfer student crap (NOT fun) (IF i decide not to move to denver for 4 months) and do some major christmas shopping/"shopping" at canal place and rubenstein bros., which i am also hugely excited about because all the decorations will be up on canal street hopefully. then im gonna continue the usual tradition of lurking with a handful of my best friends through the backalleys and housing projects of new orleans just for a cheap thrill. maybe i'll bump into my old heroin-dealing buddies on valence street. haha. theyre so dope. they dress in all black and stand on the corner in front of this gas station that sells individual cigarettes for a quarter and smoke black& milds all day and are fascinated by my whiteness. there's also a chance that we'll weasel our way into a suite at the royal st. charles and maybe have a little ski trip on the balcony which overlooks this cool high-end cigar shop with an awesome interior where old rich southern dudes hang out.

christmas and new years plans are still up in the air. i might be in NYC and i might not. i might be in new orleans and i might not. chatter amongst yourslves.

wow thanks for the update.

it just isnt the xmas season without some pseudoprep braggins.

cheers - clinks eggnog.

haha what you know about eggnog daquiris nigga. its still like 85* here but im in fall gear anyway. the weather better adjust to my liking.

ok now for christmas lists. i posted mine in another thread but this is a modified version.

michael kors black & grey paisley tie

BCBG grey tie with pastel colored stripes

nantucked red j. crew broken-in chinos

30gb ipod

metallic gold helmut lang laceups

silver framed smoke-lens dolce & gabbana aviators

a pomeranian that i will name alexander

a hermes leash for this pomeranian

FUCK im getting a block since im overwhelmed right now. i will add and update as i am inspired

:dozey:

I havn't even thought about Christmas yet....not much going on for me this year. I am going to VA for Thanksgiving though and that should be fun...complete Vegan dinner for the whole family:)

a vegan thanksgiving dinner.....hmmmm that sounds mildly intriguing. i'd be down to try it, but then i'd have to have backup plans for the traditionally unhealthy feast in addition to the vegan one.

and whoever the goombah head who desecrated my thread title is, you misspelled "FELCHING."

We'd rather eat turkey

 

DAVE BARRY

 

 

Thanksgiving is that very special holiday when we take a break from our hectic everyday lives to spend quality time with our loved ones, rediscovering all the reasons why we don't actually live with them.

 

But Thanksgiving is also a spiritual time of quiet reflection -- a time when we pause to remember, as generations have remembered before us, that an improperly cooked turkey is -- in the words of the U.S. Department of Agriculture -- ``a ticking Meat Bomb of Death.''

 

Yes, it is a tragic but statistical fact that every Thanksgiving, undercooked turkeys claim the lives of an estimated 53 billion Americans (source: Dan Rather). Sometimes the cause is deadly bacteria; sometimes -- in cases of extreme undercooking -- the turkey actually springs up from the carving platter and pecks the would-be carver to death.

 

The only way to be sure you've killed all the bacteria in your turkey is to cook it until a meat thermometer inserted into the breast melts, indicating that the turkey has attained the same internal temperature as the sun. ''Basically,'' advises the Surgeon General, ''you want to be serving your family a 16-pound charcoal briquette.'' Even then you should keep a flamethrower handy.

 

Speaking of which: The ''hot'' new Thanksgiving culinary trend is to cook turkeys in big deep-fat fryers, which are hugely popular because they give guys an excuse to spend Thanksgiving outside drinking beer and messing around with a device that could potentially destroy an entire neighborhood. Now that guys have decided to become seriously involved in Thanksgiving food preparation, it's only a matter of time before they come up with a recipe for mashed potatoes that involves a grenade launcher.

 

Of course, not everybody is comfortable with the idea of eating turkeys, which are, let's face it, living organisms, like dogs, or celery. You may wonder: Is there a more humanitarian option that you can serve for Thanksgiving dinner? There certainly is: It's tofu, a semi-foodlike substance secreted by soybeans as a defense mechanism. Tofu can be used as a high-protein meat substitute, as well as a denture adhesive or tile grout. In its natural state, tofu is tasteless and odorless, but if you form it into a turkey-shaped lump, season it well, add gravy and bake it for two hours in a shallow pan at 350 degrees, you can also use it for minor driveway repairs.

 

Of course no Thanksgiving dinner is complete without the pumpkin pie. Here's an easy recipe for this delicious traditional dessert:

 

1. Using a dangerous knife, cut the top off a large pumpkin.

 

2. Inside you will find a mess of stringy, stanky, slimy pumpkin innards. Scoop these out and discard them.

 

3. Now discard the rest of the pumpkin, because the simple truth, obvious to anybody with half a brain, is that NO PART of the pumpkin looks, smells or tastes ANYTHING like so-called ''pumpkin'' pie. This is why nobody actually makes ''pumpkin'' pie; everybody buys it at the supermarket. The question is: What does the supermarket put in there? The Food and Drug Administration is investigating this, and according to one informed source (Dan Rather) ``they think it's tofu.''

 

But enough about food. Thanksgiving is not merely a time of eating until we are big fat bloated carbohydrate balloons lying motionless on the sofa watching the Detroit Lions while actual gravy oozes from our pores. Thanksgiving is also a time of giving thanks -- as the Pilgrims did so many centuries ago -- for the fact that the malls are open on Friday. Otherwise we'd have to spend another day cooped up with our loved ones, not to mention toxic levels of leftovers, and the number of domestic drumstick assaults would be even higher than it is.

 

But in all seriousness, I want to wish you a happy Thanksgiving. I personally am very thankful that I have readers like you who have terrific senses of humor and thus recognize that I am just ''kidding around,'' especially if you are in the turkey, deep-fat fryer, tofu or pumpkin-pie industries. Also, even though I have ''poked some fun'' at Mr. Dan Rather, I sincerely believe he is a great journalist and a credit to his home planet.

 

In closing, let's have a big group hug and join together in singing this traditional Thanksgiving song that we vaguely remember from childhood: Over the river and through the woods, To grandmother's house we go! The horse is reluctant, And we can relate, Because grandmother's house has that weird smell.

my christmas list?

two packs of whole page avery labels

some new dress socks

a new speiwak jacket possibly..mine has paint on the back

more paint

two gallons of denatured alchohal..paint thinner...all the colors of rit powder dye..some brake fluid..and some silver rusto

a new simmering pot so i can keep my house smelling like wild melon

most of all i want a remote controller for my dreads..with command buttons like...stop combining..auto twist..and mute.

some condoms

somebody to by me some of them expensive water colors..

and my new years resolutions are.

to stop eating random things in pet stores

stop dry humping random people at the bar

drink more

paint more

draw more

eventually play all 900 snes roms

play all 1700 nes roms

play more genesis roms other than gunstar heros

start eating meat again

lower my tolerance for stupid people.

stop telling white girls i'm a crip from california..even though thats what get me the cudder......

..

buy some new clothes..thinkin about wearing more screenprinted teeshirts..

and yes i said cudder..

but if i get nothing for christmas i wont mind at all. i'd rather just be around friends having a good time

I will let you know how the vegan dinner turns out....I am really looking forward to the pumkin pie. The coolest about it for me is that my family and the inlaws are all getting together with me for this even though most of them love to eat their turkey...pretty cool I say, esp since I wasn't the one that suggested it.

ok, so i don't mind being the black sheep of this toolshed hip hopper graffertagger crap (oh wait, thats tease), but to the anti-holiday anti-consumerism fartknocker who keeps messing with my thread title, I HOPE YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE IGNITES AND YOU AND THE SHITHOLE YOU LIVE IN BURN.

insecurity in action? wtf? yeah i guess im a "douche bag" for starting a thread on what is only one of the most fun times of the year. you twats are probably just pissed cause your parents were too drunk or cracked out or concerned with beating your trashy ass to remember what DATE christmas is ON. go celebrate kwanza with afrika bambatta fuckheads.

p.s. in an hour im gonna go get a few plastic light-up snowmen for my room. haha.

ikea had some really cute hanging stars for the window. VERY EXCITING

and my store, pier1, has some very exciting christmas merchandise this year. Everyone should go check it out, and buy me a gift card there while you're at it. :-D

I havent even thought about what gifts to buy who this year... sooo damn broke.

you should be a playboy

CHRISTMAS?! WOOh!

well...in defense of those who are changing your thread title, you do come across as an insecure douche bag...

for christmas i am going to drink until i die...if i make it through thanksgiving. cheers!