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The Doctor Is In...


Milton

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Heres your chance to get advice on life. You don't know whether you should buy a house or a speedboat? You don't know whether women are really into oral sex with pop rocks? All your answers will be found here. I have assembled a crack team of experts better known as the 12oz love doctors who may or may not be assiting in the advisement if they see fit, they should feel free. I'm going to try to avoid the obscure "How many gallons of jello would I need to have a 12 woman battle royale?" but if it comes to it I will be forced to answer...

 

 

Shoot...

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The best way to deal with a neighbor that bothers you is to find a way to relate to them, once you have built repport it is easy to ask them for a favor. If you don't have rapport set up you asking them to shut the fuck up will put them on the defensive and inspire them to continue their behavior. Instead befriend them and ask them, don't tell. And definitely don't shoot.

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Dear FF,

it could be dietary or bacterial. If it is dietary it is just your bodies way of getting rid of something that is toxic or unnecessary to it. If it is bacterial, it means that bacteria has thrown off the balance in your intestines and is causing you to excrete more liquid mixture than normal. If it is dietary the best thing you can do is take iron supplements, (I'm not a doctor so don't blame me if you kill yourself) but iron suppliments have an anti-laxative effect. If it is bacterial the only remedy is to see a doctor and get an antibiotic or another treatment...

Hope this helps

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Originally posted by Milton

The best way to deal with a neighbor that bothers you is to find a way to relate to them, once you have built repport it is easy to ask them for a favor. If you don't have rapport set up you asking them to shut the fuck up will put them on the defensive and inspire them to continue their behavior. Instead befriend them and ask them, don't tell. And definitely don't shoot.

 

right, so mail sabotage and prank pizza deliveries is the way to go then. cheers

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Originally posted by Milton

Dear FF,

it could be dietary or bacterial. If it is dietary it is just your bodies way of getting rid of something that is toxic or unnecessary to it. If it is bacterial, it means that bacteria has thrown off the balance in your intestines and is causing you to excrete more liquid mixture than normal. If it is dietary the best thing you can do is take iron supplements, (I'm not a doctor so don't blame me if you kill yourself) but iron suppliments have an anti-laxative effect. If it is bacterial the only remedy is to see a doctor and get an antibiotic or another treatment...

Hope this helps

 

thanks Doc!

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My usual painting partner has decided that getting yelled at by his girlfriend on the cell phone and saying “sorry” to her repeatedly while we piece is appropriate. My argument is that when a motherfucker like me can’t afford to get booked, it’s not right to be all nonchalant and act like a bitch while we’re doing something illegal. Should I dump him?

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Dear MyBoysABitch,

Why is your friend on his cellphone while he's piecing anyway? Can he not tell her to shut the fuck up and or hang up. That is something I wouldn't want around me while I'm painting in the first place... So you have to think critically about the situation, and ask him to think with you. Is his petty argument with his girlfriend worth getting locked up over? Or would it be better if he left the cellphone in the car and paid attention to what he was doing? I think both of you would agree that the second option is better. I think if he isn't willing to take your police record seriously you should give him the boot...

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Originally posted by Milton

Dear MyBoysABitch,

Why is your friend on his cellphone while he's piecing anyway? Can he not tell her to shut the fuck up and or hang up. That is something I wouldn't want around me while I'm painting in the first place... So you have to think critically about the situation, and ask him to think with you. Is his petty argument with his girlfriend worth getting locked up over? Or would it be better if he left the cellphone in the car and paid attention to what he was doing? I think both of you would agree that the second option is better. I think if he isn't willing to take your police record seriously you should give him the boot...

 

You’re very right. I thought the same thing, but it’s assuring to know that you have the same opinion. I prefer keeping my own six most times, anyway. A guy who likes to get chewed up by his ex-girl (yes, forgot to mention that) while doing this shit is deluded, perhaps.

 

Thank you, doctor!

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Dear OverrunWithToys,

 

Your objective is to scare the toys out of coming back to your yard correct? And what are toys most affraid of? You got it, police. All you have to do is spread the rumor that so and so got caught in the ditch and the toys will keep away. If this doesn't work you might have to wait for the toys to show and then handle things the old-fashioned way, ya dig? I know you do...

 

Quick Tip: Brown Corn Syrup looks just like blood when it dries, that could scare a toy or two, maybe run a knife through it and splatter it in the yard. If you're real grimey, butches will sell you pints of blood...

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dear Milton,

I gotta fucking move in less than one year from now. My exact options are as follows:

 

1- New York City- I was born there and have been there many times and am lucky enough to have 1 of my best friends living there, as well as other friends. I have a dream job waiting for me, but it doesnt pay as much as the cost of living in NYC.

 

2- Miami- I lived my first 18 years of life in Puerto Rico and the winters in NY and Chicago are unbelievably affecting me in allot of bad ways. The problem is I dont want to give up just because of weather and stay stuck in warm weather palces my whole life, not that theres anything wrong with that I guess. I have an even better paying job lined up for me in Miami than in NY, and I also like to be around my kind of people as much as I can (colored I guess).

 

3. Chicago- Ive lived here for 3 years and know it pretty well, better than any other american city at least. Its a pretty dull and average city, from one ethnic neighborhood to another its relatively quiet compared to NY and PR. I have three jobs to pick from over here that I know what to expect already, but other than that theres no real reason to stay here any longer. But I do have a married brother over here and a first cousin too. But we barely ever speak to eachother.

 

4. San Diego- never been there but have heard its beutiful. I have a great job waiting for me there that would pay pretty good. I dont know anyone there but it wont be the first time I go live somewhere I dont know anyone at.

 

5. Newark, New Jersey- Good job waiting for me there also. I know some people but not well at all. Ive been there before and it was better than I expected.

 

 

damn thats allot of typing, so whats up Doc?

 

sincerely,

Free Like an Eagle

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Dear FreeLikeAGreatWhiteBird,

 

You have quite a perdicament on your hands, but from the places you've described you have some pretty nice options going for you. I'm in a similar sitation right now except that other people are making the choice for me and I have to leave in just about a month and a half. The weather thing is a difficult one. Its tough even for me who's lived in this climate (seattle) for the better part of my life to get used to having months on end of very little sun, its depressing. Actually seasonal depression is pretty common. There are ways to cope, the best probably being to get away to somewhere hot for a few days, that break in the monotony of dark days will work wonders for your psyche and in turn your quality of life. I hate to tell you this, but I know a whole lot of Puerto Ricans in NY, just take a stroll trough queens if you don't believe me. But I can understand wanting to get away to somewhere nice. I assume your a young adult so bear in mind that the move doesn't have to be permenant, and you can decide after a while that you don't like it, you still have options. I would say if you're tired of the drearyness of northern climates, and you have a good job lined up in Miami, that would be your best bet. At least for the time being, see how you like it, have fun...

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Dear Dr Miltonius

 

Should I go to art school? The last 3 years I've been doing a general degree in philosophy and english. The only reason I did this is because I knew if I didn't go to uni then I probably never would, so I figured I'de get into it and see where it took me and then follow it up or transfer when I was ready. So the past 3 years I've been conflicted as to what to do and while I don't regret it, busying myself with expensive classes that are interesting but aren't leading me anywhere has been a bit off putting.

 

The last year I've been thinking more and more about artschool. The idea of being some sort of art proffesor or something like that doesn't leave me feeling discontent like most of the other options I've considered do. My concerns are the following..

 

1) My backgrounds not in art, I don't want to come up and find I've gotten it twisted and I actually hate doing anything that doesn't involve running around in the dark. I don't really think this is the case but you never know.

 

2) Alot of people who do art tend to annoy me. Its the same with writting actually.. I don't want to be immersed in an immature art scene with lots of people bitching to me about so and so's new post modern expressionist piece of trash ect... I don't even want to deal with people who put on shows .. the ones I know annoy me for similar reasons .. you get what I'm trying to say .. also I like to be treated like a person not like an artist ... thats something thats always bothered me. I think I made a thread about it ages ago in a very dishevvled state.

 

3) Doing creative stuff is really hard. Its cool when its done but while your doing it, I normally find the whole thing kind of frustrating and painfull .. Its what I do, but I don't know its whats best for me ...

 

4) obviously I don't want to fuck out and starve either .. it seems to me if you study enough its ok... but at that rate I'll be good to really go at 30 ... the fact the I'm having doubts 1) 2) 3) make me wonder if that really where I want to be at ...

 

so yeah ... advise the fuck out of me man ...

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Dr. Milton,

So yeah, im almost 20 years old, (im of legal drinking age hear in Aus.) and for the past few months i have been drinking shitloads. i really spend alot more than i should be spending on alcohol. get retardedly drunk to the point of stupidity and make a dumbass out of myself. should i give it up cold turkey, or try to teach myself to drink in moderation. how can i learn to not over do it? any advice would be welcome, thanks in advance.

-booze hound

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Dear ArtSchoolDropIn,

 

I think the best course of action for you is to do some reflection. The first two or three years of college are generally a search for the direction in which you want to take your career, well that and trying to get laid. But if your quest in philosophy and english has driven you towards art, perhaps that is the way you should move. You bring up good points though, especially about the art scene being culturally equivalent to a 10th grade girls locker room. I think if you were an art professor as opposed to an "artist" you might be able to avoid and or eliminate some of these traits in your students. Remember that to be a professor you need a PHD which means anywhere from 6 - 12 years of post graudate school. Think about that too. The best thing to do would be to go to an art professor at your university and talk to him or her. Tell him/her exactly what you're concerns are, I'm pretty sure they won't call the cops on you or anything, I actually told a professor once and he would come to class and tell me he saw my stuff. Professors love to take students under their wing, its why they became professors in the first place, all you have to do is put yourself in the right place at the right time. By the way if you're a full fledged professor at 30, you're well ahead of the game...

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Dear BoozeEnthusiast,

 

Did you just turn of legal age and the drinking proceeded that event? I think its common among people who recently begin drinking legally to overdo it to some extent. Its fun to go out and cause trouble and be drunk and have nobody say anything. But I think that by realizing that your drinking is becoming problematic you are on the road to moderation. Do you want to quit drinking all together? I think a lot of people who have let something get out of control try to over correct by going "cold turkey" when really, they would be happier if they did it in moderation. By accepting the fact that you're drinking to much, you can say, okay, usually I drink 47 shots, tonight I will have 4. And stick to your limit. Tell your friends about it and if they are good friends they won't pursuade you to drink more.

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Dear GirlfriendTrouble,

 

I think you're coming at the issue from completely the wrong persepective. You're scared, you're confused and so you're trying to push her to do something because you don't know what else to do. You really need to stop reacting and THINK about what this means and what you want. The oh shit shes pregnant I have to make her have an abortion is a knee jerk reaction from fear of being a father. Once you have figured out how you feel and why you feel that way the next step is to have an open and honest dialog with your girlfriend about what to do now. You can give her your opinion and tell her what you think would be best for both of you, but you cant MAKE her doing anything. Its her body after all...

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Ya, they should close this to make room for another of your "Oh shit! I hate my job, and I talked to this girl I used to talk to 4 years ago and I asked her to be my boyfriend but she said she'd think about it..." threads.

 

Indeed, BRING ON THE ARROW!

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