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The art of bonsai kittenry

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by Dick Quickwood, Dec 29, 2002.

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  1. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    Method
    At only a few weeks of age, a kitten's bones have not yet hardened and become osseous. They are extremely soft and springy. In fact, if you take a week-old kitten and throw it to the floor, it will actually bounce! We do not recommend that you try this at home. The kitten may bounce under the furniture and be difficult to retrieve, as well as covered in unsightly household dust. However, the flexibility of the kitten's skeleton means that if the bones are gently warped at this early age, they can be molded into any desired shape. At Bonsai Kitten, we achieve this by placing the kitten into a rigid vessel soon after birth, and allowing the young cat to grow out its formative time entirely within this container. The kitten essentially grows into the shape of the vessel! Once the cat is fully developed, it is removed (or the vessel broken to remove it!), producing the lovable, furry pet you've always wanted, but it remains in the shape you've always dreamed of! There is virtually no limit to the eventual shape of your pet.

    Practical Considerations
    At Bonsai Kitten, we are happy to take care of all the little details and simply deliver to you a fully shaped kitten according to your specifications. However, for those who have applied for and received the appropriate Bonsai Kitticulture permits from the U.S. government, we are happy to provide details of the procedure to those who want to start from "scratch"! There are three main requirements that must be considered when making a Bonsai Kitten:

    Air. This ought to go without saying, but you'd be surprised how many amateurs forget this detail and wind up with a cold, hard kitty in the morning! If the containment vessel is sealed, you must drill airholes prior to kitten insertion. A diamond drill is recommended for glass vessels.
    Food & Water. Especially if the kitten's head is being shaped (one of the most versatile aspects of the Bonsai Kitten), it will not be able to eat or drink normally. The most common solution is another hole in the container with a feeding tube to the kitten's mouth, where a liquid food slurry can provide both nutrient and hydration requirements.
    Waste Removal. Left to its own devices, the kitten would quickly fill its vessel with its own urine and feces, leading to certain sickness and death, not to mention the inevitably unpleasant appearance and odor. The best solution is to seal the kitten's anus with Super Glue prior to insertion, and then insert a waste tube through a third hole in the vessel. As the kitten's body is still developing, a natural rectal diverticulum will soon form around the tube, which can be drained in any convenient fashion. It's just like a kitty colostomy bag!
     
  2. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    Initial insertion, kitten was injected with 2mg equivalent dosage of Valium via Ketamine after 12 hr fasting regimen. Notice pre-drilled side hole for ventilation/feeding tube.


    [​IMG]
     
  3. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    After insertion, feeding tube not yet inserted, ventilation through 1/4 inch side hole drilled with diamond-tipped bit.
    [​IMG]
     
  4. Butterscotch

    Butterscotch New Jack

    Joined: May 20, 2002 Messages: 8 Likes Received: 1
  5. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    Initial insertion, with aid of Alessi shoehorn. Kitten has been given muscle relaxant 30 min. prior to insertion process.
    [​IMG]
     
  6. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    After 1 week, using proprietary airhole/feeding tube technology. Notice the conformal shaping accelerated through the use of calcium sequestering agent to soften bone structure. After 1 month skull will attain complete conformity to flat surface resulting in the desirable "bonsai kitty" expression.
    [​IMG]
     
  7. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    Rear aspect, revealing excellent sealing properties of Super Glue. No leakage has ever occured with proper application. Thus, fur remains soft and tail attains beautiful convolutions as the months pass!
    [​IMG]
     
  8. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    Due to popular demand from our prospective customers, we present this special example of hyper-modern, non-traditional bonsai. The containment vessel will be the stylish shell of a popular personal computer from a certain litigious hardware manufacturer. Please note that this use of the computer is not officially endorsed by the manufacturer, and may void the warranty!
    [​IMG]
     
  9. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    Initial preparation of the vessel and feeding tube, and planning of the medication regimen and kitten arrangement is of critical importance to the successful outcome of the Cube Kitty. Considering the high cost of the containment vessel, you owe it to yourself to spend the extra time at the start. Your kitten, and your children, will thank you for it. Shown here are the vessel, Alessi shoehorn and scooper, integrated feed/waste tube coupling, sedative syringe, precision bone crush calipers, electric spinal former and vent drill.
    [​IMG]
     
  10. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    Physical insertion and restraint proceeds more smoothly with anaesthetic pre-treatment. However, general anaesthesia with barbiturates often results in significant mortality when followed by long-term intubation and catheterization. Use of preanaesthetic agents such as chlorpromazine hydrochloride (25mg/kg), diazepam and propiopromazine (5mg/kg), or fentanyl and droperidol (a combination product, given at 0.22mL/kg) may reduce the dose of general anaesthetic by 50%, and often prolongs anaesthesia. Ketamine (45mg/kg) and xylazine (8mg/kg) given together, result in adequate general anaesthesia for even extreme manipulations. Since the weight variance of high-birth-weight kittens can be significant, it is important to check the exact weight on a scale immediately prior to dosage.
    [​IMG]
     
  11. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    Initial insertion, with the aid of the ubiquitous Alessi shoehorn. Although insertion may seem simple through the wide opening, the shoehorn and other fine manipulation are recommended to prevent undesired fractures and subluxations of lumbar vertebrae. Although such untoward effects usually do not affect the final outcome in a cosmetically obvious fashion, Master Liu-Chen's writings repeatedly warn that deep tissue and skeletal damage due to careless cramming is sufficient to disqualify the resulting Bonsai Kitten from the highest levels of the art, and may also result in sub-optimal temperament as the kitten ages.
    [​IMG]
     
  12. fr8otech

    fr8otech Senior Member

    Joined: Jul 17, 2002 Messages: 2,057 Likes Received: 0
    uhh...where is the AFTER picture?
     
  13. Dirty_habiT

    Dirty_habiT Administrator

    Joined: Mar 8, 2001 Messages: 18,087 Likes Received: 63
    Already been posted gomer.

    :ctrl-d:
     
  14. Pistol

    Pistol Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Jul 12, 2001 Messages: 19,363 Likes Received: 299
    Try explaining that one in the emergency room.
    And you thought gerbils was bad enough.
     
  15. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    Head placement in the corner is recommended in order to maximise the sought-after "Bonsai Kitten" expression via skull faceting. The bone crush calipers and electric spinal former may be used at this point to ensure an attractive and comfortable arrangement of the kitten's supporting body parts.
    [​IMG]
     
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