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Stories you tell at the bar...Fathers Day Edition

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by LIVERWURST*, Jun 14, 2006.


    LIVERWURST* Elite Member

    Joined: Jan 10, 2001 Messages: 3,590 Likes Received: 66
    Dumy's crack head story inspired this...

    Story 1

    In my home town me and my friends were trick or treating. My friends got taken for their candy by some much older guys (I was a bigger kid so I got to keep mine). In retrospect, its funny but still...we went home to my friends house after one got really shooken up, my friends dad called my dad, and he was PISSED so he escorted us the rest of the night. At one point an older guy ran up toward us with my dad a few feet behind us blending in with other crowds. The guy was probably just fucking with some white kids - but my dad, being 6' 4" steps up, opens his jacket and reveals a crowbar like he was selling knock off jewelry...the guy was very apologetic to all of us and ran the other way.

    Story 2

    Baseball game at Fairmount park, I yell to my dad as I'm up to bat (literally) - "dad is that our car?!?!?!?" As I watch our old yellow car drive down the parkway and no reason to justify it. At first he looks puzzled. Than he grabs the bat from my hand, and in front of both teams and respective parents, sprints (beer gut and all) from home plate to the street beyond center field. He runs up to the car at a light and it peels off - had a single car been in front of it it would have been him and them. Than, no one understanding whats going on, the crowd watches him jump in the back of a convertible after a few seconds of talking and take off.

    My dad, baseball bat in hand and two strangers chased our SHITTY family station wagon around North Philly for like an hour before they lost the car in like Kensington. Later on two guys got arrested driving it with a few kilos in the paneling...

    Story 3

    When I was 16 my family used their life savings to move from Philly after some weird shit...

    A few years later...One summer, my dads car had gotten broken into, a screen on a window of our house had been popped off and robberies in the area were growing. Meth was getting big. One weekday, a random guy walked into my parents backyard. He could have been a gas guy or some such utility person but he was dressed too casual for comfort. My dad, who worked nights and is an insomniac anyway walks outside, and says to the guy 'Hey, how you doing on this lovely day?' or something than paused (as he tells it) than goes 'I'm not sure what you're doing here...' pulls a dirty hairy gun (I can never remember what its actually called) from behind his back, holding it at his leg and continues 'but if you were where I'm from I wouldn't be doing you the favor of talking to you...and if you've been here before, you might know, I don't call the cops.' The guy was shook, like his face turned white, he looked down and he walked out.

    My house was NEVER fucked with again as our neighborhood saw a string of meth related robberes...

    My dad is an asshole, and mostly gets by on threats but even I've learned he is not a person to be fucked with...
  2. potholder

    potholder Senior Member

    Joined: Apr 26, 2006 Messages: 1,420 Likes Received: 6
    c'mon, you can't tell all these bullshit stories, then not elaborate on what 'weird shit' happened. did a ghost scare you out of the house, did your sister wake up to some crazy fucker jacking off on her toes, did someone get anally intruded while watching hard copy or some shit?

    LIVERWURST* Elite Member

    Joined: Jan 10, 2001 Messages: 3,590 Likes Received: 66

    My ex-girlfriends dad had a picture of a slumpy, deformed, balding guy with glasses on his fridge. It had no place among all the normal family pictures people knew throughout the house. My girl and I start making fun of the guy like 'who is that nerdy looking pile of shit?' in so many words...her dad looks at us and explains that the guy was at the front fox hole of some formation in Vietnam. He was essentially the first guy that the enemy would encounter if they advanced. As he fired at the enemy, a bullet had ricocheted off the interior of his helmet and through his skull and brain as he was shooting, yet he survived. And he explained "that's why I have that picture on mt refridgerator..."

    I was like "oh"...
  4. ^ . ^

    ^ . ^ Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Aug 13, 2003 Messages: 8,231 Likes Received: 73

    your dad sounds awesome.
  5. makeithappennn

    makeithappennn Elite Member

    Joined: Apr 7, 2006 Messages: 3,439 Likes Received: 37
    I wish i had stories from Nam. to tell.
  6. el hamburgler

    el hamburgler Banned

    Joined: Jan 26, 2006 Messages: 294 Likes Received: 0
    lotta people want us to go away
    NO we not goin nowhere we here to stay
  7. garlic prawns

    garlic prawns Senior Member

    Joined: Apr 20, 2006 Messages: 1,803 Likes Received: 1
    Ok, this would of been a while ago like maybe 12 years ago.
    Living in central Sydney at the time there was fair bit of crime around our neighborhood.
    My dad was out back having a shit and some dood broke into our house and stole a whole bunch of shit. My dad finished his business and opened the door to catch the guy trying to scale the fence. he pulled the guy down and repeatedly bashed him over the head with a torch.

    He told me the guy replied to him as he was being arrested "it's easier to get drug's in jail any way".

    Not that great a story but I thought I might as well tell it.

    LICKERISH Senior Member

    Joined: May 6, 2000 Messages: 2,031 Likes Received: 66
    My old man is a pretty imposing character as well. He drives a Crown Vic, so all my boys think he's a cop, but he ain't. He's been involved with some funny shit. He's actually my step dad, but he's been around a long time so I call him Dad.

    When I was 6 my mom had set up a date with this guy, who eventually became my dad. We were living in the projects, on the third or fourth floor, and my mom sends me down to answer the door and buzz him in. He introduces himself and tries joking a bit with me. With my hands behind my back I ask him if he wants a chicken mcnugget, and he says yeah, being polite and thinking I have McD's. Before he could even reach for anything I wound up and punched him in the nuts as hard as I could, and watched as he bent over in excrutiating pain, and that's when it hit me that i should prolly start running. He ended up chasing me up all the flights of stairs to the apartment, but for some reason I don't remember getting in any trouble for it, at all. He still tells the story to this day. I also called him Ralph for a really long time, but that wasn't even close to his name, I could just never remember his real name.

    About '98 we got this Shitsu puppy from a pound that they had already named Bandit. Well, we live in a city still, and put the dog out on the line in the backyard thinking that he'd be fine and get some excercise or whatever. I go out to check on him and see him sniffing around this baby skunk, and the skunk doing the same thing to him. I yell to my dad that the dog is checking out this skunk, and he comes running out full speed and grabs a hockey stick on the way by me. That fucking skunk never knew what hit it, as it got slap shotted from one end of the yard against the fence. It was one of the funniest fucking things I ever seen. After it was over we couldn't get the city to pick up the dead animal, so we bought a barrel and filled it with sand, and buried the skunk in there, and eventually threw the whole thing away at a dump, but my back yard smelled for a good few months.

    Another incident involving animals... A couple years ago some squirrels decided to nest in the eves of my house, but they were terribly loud and on the outside of some bedrooms in the house. They kept people awake at night and it sounded like someone trying to break in. We got sick of it and eventually my dad decided to get a humane trap and set it out. The move paid off. He caught one, and I remember him coming down the stairs with it to the backyard, and coming back like ten minutes later. An hour later, another one, same thing, outside for like ten minutes then back in, a couple hours later, same shit. I start thinking that he's letting them go out back, because he only bought one trap. Eventually my curiousity got the better of me and I asked if he was letting them go outside. He looks over and says he's got a five gallon bucket filled with water that he's putting the squirrels, trap and all into, and letting them drown. So i asked him what the fucking point of the humane traps are for and he just kinda shrugged it off. I found it really funny that he was using humane traps to kill these asshole squirrels. On a side note, the last squirrel that he caught using this method, he left on the roof for it to die, and its still there to this day, all rotted and gross, but we haven't had any more squirrels living in our eves.
  9. AyeBee

    AyeBee Veteran Member

    Joined: Apr 7, 2006 Messages: 5,798 Likes Received: 29
    First off, allow me to say that I hope your dad gets caught in a bear trap one day and lays in the sun til he dies

    Anyways, my dad's a pretty scary muthafucka. My whole family is big, strong, and has anger issues, but my dad is the worst due to the fact that he was a pro kickboxer on top of that

    Story 1: So I'm like 6 or 7 and me and my mom go to the lil market down the street, she leaves me in the car on the street, and goes to run inside. Almost immediately some big African dude comes out his crib and starts buggin out cuz the car is blockin his driveway. I try to tell him my mom went in to get one thing and she'll be right back out but he starts screamin at me, scared the shit out of me and I'm cryin like a lil 6 or 7 year old bitch. Anyways, like 2 minutes later my mom comes out, dude is still screamin, she starts cryin too, gets all shook up and we pull off. We go home, I think everything is fine for like 45 mins, all of a sudden my dad comes pullin up to the house and I know it's way too early to be home from work. I guess my mom had called him cuz he comes in and is jus like "Alright, let's go". My mom was bein all dramatic about it and didn't wanna go, so I hopped in the car and told my Dad I would definately know the dude if I saw him. We drive back over there and wait a few minutes, dudes car comes rollin back around. Soon as I see him I tell my dad, he hops out the car and while the guys parking walks over to the drivers side window, doesn't say a word and just clocks him. He punches this dude at least 10 more times, now screamin "YOU YELLED AT MY WIFE, MY FUCKIN KID, I'LL FUCKIN KILL YOU" The guys face is all bloody and he pulls off, but is immediately stuck in traffic so my dad runs after him, pulls him out of the car, and stomps him out on the ground in front of like 100 witnesses

    I'll prolly type a few more of these wonderful stories later, but for now I'mma go lay back down
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2006
  10. garlic prawns

    garlic prawns Senior Member

    Joined: Apr 20, 2006 Messages: 1,803 Likes Received: 1
    ok, that was a fucking good story.
  11. colt45oe800

    colt45oe800 Member

    Joined: Feb 15, 2002 Messages: 828 Likes Received: 0
    I got brought home by the cops on halloween back in 95 or something for normal halloween activities.
    first thing my pops said "What you couldn't run fast enough".

  12. You need Dr. Phil
  13. AllTheWrongWords

    AllTheWrongWords Veteran Member

    Joined: Apr 30, 2006 Messages: 5,175 Likes Received: 162


    for your dad for handling his shit

    LICKERISH Senior Member

    Joined: May 6, 2000 Messages: 2,031 Likes Received: 66
    hey man, that ain't cool. he may have taken out these animals, but it was so they wouldn't come back. the whole skunk hockey thing was because skunks aren't supposed to be out in the daytime, he was worried it would give my dog the rabies... and the squirrel being left on the roof, i'm sure that was just out of laziness, i doubt he intentionally left it on the roof to rot, i just wrote my little story that way. besides, i got him back years ago by punching him in the nuts. he's not a bad guy, moved us out of a bad part of Boston in the 80's, raised me and my bro like his own, so fuck off with that bear trap shit.
  15. El Mamerro

    El Mamerro Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Feb 4, 2001 Messages: 14,718 Likes Received: 225