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SOBRIETY 101


Victor Ward

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so on this hazy wet sticky foggy grey morning i find myself wandering the sidewalks and hallways of this highly busted fucking nigger campus while jamming to soft cell on my ipod and it dawns on me: the spans of time that i spend in school (DOING NEXT TO NOTHING) are actually no more than mere ellipses in the mundane yet somehow vaguely interesting vacuum that is my life.

 

i feel entirely disconnected from all of the goons with puffy red afros and acne scars on their titties and "TOOL" beanies that populate this sesspool of a university.

 

maybe its cause im still reeling from the decadent circus that was winter break 2004-2005 that included parties at plantation style mansions with 300+ guests, binging on pharmaceuticals, burning huge holes in various lobes of my already imbalanced brain, rolling around in a stupor on various tennis courts, coughing up scabs, drinking waaaaay too m uch moet that didn't belong to me in guest houses that didn't belong to me, and being hit pedestrian style by some chump in a lexus.

 

my friends say i'm in perma-fry mode. they say they think im off my rocker and im gonna kill somebody. it may be you. just kidding. little do they know i'm just a sweet boy with a nice chin and high cheekbones and a few problems.

 

in other news, you twerps should take a break from your cannibal corpse and chingy tendencies to peep this song by SOFT CELL that i am listening to at this very moment. it's called SEX DWARF. hahahaha. seeexxxxx dwaaarf. it's about some dude that keeps a midget sex slave on a leash and rides around in a gold rolls royce while the elf makes randy with the dumb chauffeur and then gets out and runs around luring disco dollies back to their little playroom where they make outfits for the sex dwarf and make dirty movies. so in other words its the turds and its awesome.

 

speaking of turds i have this friend whos a girl and shes crazy. shes on permafry too but we all love her and she is the backbone one of my circles of friends. shes gross though. sometimes when shes bored and anxious she does gross shit. like total grossout mode. like last night she laid out a sheet of saran wrap and popped a squat on it and shit and wrapped the shit up and then went to her neighbor's house and coated their lawn gnomes with a smearing of steaming feces. no joke. you'd think she's hot though if you didn't know that about her. well cool now i get to go inhale plaster dust and draw boxes for the next hour.

 

enjoy yourselves you ragheads.

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