...she called me a 'silly wabbit' yesterday.... ROB

..that kind of stuff is cute if it's mumbled and broken up by the 'slurp, slurp' sound of swallowing a dick, but on a grown-ass woman in normal conversation, it's a bit of a concern. -Seeking

goddamn dude, that was hilarious

wheres ROE??

Free Will Astrology

horoscopes for week of September 23, 2004

Aries (March 21-April 19)

In an effort to make a splash in America's upcoming presidential election, marginal candidate Ralph Nader has resorted to unusual measures. Among the most extreme has been his decision to accept money and help from the Republican Party, even though he opposes every value that organization holds dear. In the state of Michigan, for example, Nader wouldn't have gotten on the ballot without the heroic assistance of the Republicans, who collected 43,000 signatures for him in the hope that he'll drain votes from the Democratic nominee, John Kerry. I predict that you Aries people will have equally Machiavellian opportunities in the coming weeks. You may even be tempted to turn to your adversaries to further your dreams. Can you manipulate them to serve you more than they manipulate you to serve them?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your superstitious fears may nag you more than usual in the coming weeks. That's the bad news. The good news is that it's highly unlikely the feared events will actually come to pass. To help dispel your unnecessary worries, I suggest you dream up and carry out a banishing ritual. For example, you could write down what you're afraid of, and then burn the piece of paper in the flame of a red candle as you cackle and chant, "You have no [insert an energizing taboo word here] power over me!"

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

"I'm not afraid of snakes or spiders," says Gemini actress Nicole Kidman, "just butterflies." According to my astrological analysis, that could be an apt motto for many of you Geminis in the coming weeks. You'll probably love your playful wrestles with serpent-like people and enjoy your shadow dances with web-weavers. You'll thrive in the wake of intense emotions and enigmatic twists of fate. On the other hand, you'll be in danger of losing your focus during airy encounters with delicate creatures; you'll have to be vigilant to avoid getting thrown off course by pretty ephemera and lightweight pleasures.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

One of the best-selling books in France in recent months has been Bonjour Paresse, or "Hello Laziness." The author, Corinne Maier, encourages employees to perfect the art of goofing off on the job. In the coming week, Cancerian, you should follow her advice not only at work but in every area of your life. I admire you for being so conscientious and putting so much effort into everything you do, but you're way overdue for some major slacking off. I'll go so far as to say that you have a spiritual need to vegetate. This is one time when you'll get my blessing if you decide to sit in a comfortable chair and daydream of nothing in particular as you watch the wind blow.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

The Guinness Book of World Records says the shortest river in the world is the Roe River in Montana. Measuring about 220 feet long, it flows into the Missouri River, America's second-longest river. The Roe River's source is the Great Springs, which is the largest fresh water spring in the U.S. It's 3,000 years old, stays a constant 54 degrees, and pours out 200 million gallons of water per day. I'd like you to picture this entire scene in your mind's eye, Leo-the Roe River, the Missouri River, and the Great Springs. It provides a symbolic template for what your approach should be in the coming weeks. You should be a short and concise connecting link between an underground source of abundant vitality and a free-flowing force of nature that reminds you of a mighty river.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

"I am one of those who never knows the direction of my journey until I have almost arrived," wrote author Anna Louise Strong. Right about now, Virgo, you could probably speak those same words with sincerity. For months you've felt as if an invisible force were shepherding you towards an unseen goal. You've trusted the process because it resonated with a gut feeling that kept telling you "YES!" And now, finally, you're about to come to the end of the quest and collect your reward. Keep in mind, though, that even after you have it, you may not fully understand it for months.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

During last year's monsoon season in Sri Lanka, floods caused landslides in and around Ratnapura, the "City of Gems." As devastating as this natural disaster was, it dredged up many raw gems from their hiding places deep in the earth. After the heavy rains stopped, sapphires and rubies were strewn across the landscape for any passer-by to pick up. I foresee an analogous sequence operating in your life, Libra. The deluge will expose valuable beauty, making it easy to pluck.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

"If you stick your finger in the fire," asked my teacher Ann Davies, "do you then complain that it is unfair when your finger gets burned? Do you call the fire bad?" I think her questions are essential for you to keep in mind between now and your birthday, Scorpio. If you consciously decide there are good, even honorable reasons for you to play with fire, go right ahead and do so. But if there's a bit of hell to pay as a result, don't you dare get pissed at the universe or diss God. And please don't say the fire is evil.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Writing in the San Francisco Chronicle, business writer David Lazarus reported that the senior managers of the Pacific Gas and Electric Company gave themselves $169 million in bonuses "for doing such a good job during the utility's bankruptcy proceedings." With the authority vested in me by the cosmic powers-that-be, I hereby authorize you to shower yourself with an equivalent barrage of blessings for all the hard work you've done during the last ten months. And please don't be shy about imitating the example of the PG&E chiefs: Reward yourself handsomely even if you've accomplished little more than saving your own ass.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

"I produce music as an apple tree produces apples," proclaimed the French pianist and composer Camille Saint-Saens. Your assignment in the coming week, Capricorn, is to do the research and meditation necessary so you can accurately complete the following sentence: "I produce _________________ as an apple tree produces apples." You need to know beyond any doubt what precise gift you were born to give the world; you cannot move on to the next phase of your evolution until you are utterly clear about what nature yearns to create through you.

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

Bill Joy is a farseeing computer scientist who developed many technologies for Sun Microsystems, an influential company he co-founded. You Aquarians are now entering into a "Bill Joy" phase of your astrological cycle, a time when you're most likely to be expansive, pioneering, and innovative. Here's Joy's important message for you about what not to do. "My own biggest mistake in the last 20 years was that I designed solutions for problems that people didn't yet know they had," he told Fortune magazine. "That's why some of the things that could've made a difference couldn't find a market. The hardest part isn't inventing the solution, but figuring out how to get people to adopt it." Translation: As you dream up fresh approaches and imaginative departures, make sure you communicate about them with enthusiastic clarity to the people they'll affect most.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Many of the poets I like are mavericks, visionaries, and prophets, and more than a few belong to what poet Ann Waldman calls the "outrider tradition." But since it would be unpoetic to have a closed mind towards more traditional stuff, I've been reading America's new Poet Laureate, Ted Kooser. A retired vice president of a life insurance company in Nebraska, he enjoys yard sales and pork roast. Surprisingly, though, his poetry reveals a wild streak. It's not expressed in descriptions of reckless love affairs and manic excursions to the frontiers of sanity, but in a humble wisdom forged through his brave, unsentimental tenderness. That's the kind of wildness I wish for you in the coming weeks, Pisces: the crafty, loving, constructive kind.

that was the gayest horoscope ive ever read. shit didnt even make no sense.

fuck horoscopes. i'm listening to maynard from tool and warren buffet, everyone else is stupid.

mine's depressing;

i wish i could give myself $169 million in bonuses...

I must reward myself for the past 10 months.

Its Friday.

Good time to start. :D

Tricks are for street walkers....

----the-onion-scopers

Aries: (March 21—April 19)

You're getting tired of living out of boxes, but if you stop now, you'll damage your reputation as the patron saint of the cardboard cubist lifestyle.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)

There are those who say you're just a glorified janitor, but you fail to see how the titanium mop and bucket add glory to what you do.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)

You'll soon learn the important legal and semantic differences between the phrases "folksingers should just die" and "it'd sure be nice if someone slaughtered all the folksingers."

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)

Hey, it's not your fault if the others around the office don't find your horrifyingly racist sense of humor funny.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)

You'll be surprised and pleased to find yourself listed between Leah and Levi in Who's Who In The Bible, but you won't really like what the editors had to say.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)

You'll be overrun with shallow, boring romance-seekers merely because you genuinely enjoy long walks and sunsets.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)

There's no law about over-enjoying the work of Uriah Heep, but the judicial flexibility built into our society will see that you get what's coming to you anyway.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)

Leprosy is certainly not the problem it once was, but that might not be any consolation to you.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)

The National Hockey League lockout will have little or no effect on you, which is fairly surprising, considering you're Lord Stanley's Cup.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)

You'll experience a soufflé that sends you into a white-hot inferno of culinary passion, instantly incinerating you and everyone in the downtown restaurant district.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)

This week will be prime for advancement at work, as long as you manage to avoid the ball lightning and the other guys don't.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)

Good news: The airline will only charge you four Frequent Flier Miles for your violently abbreviated flight this Friday.

expose the beauty and let me pluck it.

Haiku Horoscopes

Aries

(Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)

Geese fly in a V

That’s for ‘Victory’ — a cruel

Future awaits us

Taurus

(Apr. 20 - May 20)

The beauty of God’s

Creation, all spoiled by a

Single man with gas

Gemini

(May 21 - June 20)

Join the ‘2 Foot Club’

To get some great discounts on

All kinds of strap-ons

Cancer

(June 21 - July 22)

The sausage party

Will be, sadly, just what you

Expected of it

Leo

(July 23 - Aug. 22)

You will rent some porn,

Then events will result in

You purchasing it

Virgo

(Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

Get some golfing in.

As for me, I’ll satisfy

My desire to kill

Libra

(Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

Your secrets are safe

With me, the author of a

Magazine column

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

You’ve got to trust me:

The secret to getting girls

Is a big belly

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

You’ll be missed this week —

Don’t go thinking that sniper

Takes you for granted

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

I’ll take your advice

And I’ll file it right under

‘G’ — that’s for ‘Garbage

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Take this week to live

Out your fantasies — throw that

Ring into Mt. Doom

Pisces

(Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)

Don’t give up hope, but

Lower your expectations

From “world peace” to “steak”

web stuff

WOW

I DO ENJOY LONG WALKS AND SUNSETS

Originally posted by effyoo

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

You’ve got to trust me:

The secret to getting girls

Is a big belly

 

its true.

I am a scorpio with a big belly who has the raddest girl ever

If that thread title werent so amazing this would suck:

Leo (July 23-August 22)

"reminds you of a mighty river."

No wait, this does suck.

Originally posted by beardo

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

 

"If you stick your finger in the fire," asked my teacher Ann Davies, "do you then complain that it is unfair when your finger gets burned? Do you call the fire bad?" I think her questions are essential for you to keep in mind between now and your birthday, Scorpio. If you consciously decide there are good, even honorable reasons for you to play with fire, go right ahead and do so. But if there's a bit of hell to pay as a result, don't you dare get pissed at the universe or diss God. And please don't say the fire is evil.

wow that is really a good analogy for what is going on with my life right now! i am playing with fire, but i am sooo winning at it.

Re: Re: ...she called me a 'silly wabbit' yesterday.... ROB

Originally posted by Devilush

wow that is really a good analogy for what is going on with my life right now! i am playing with fire, but i am sooo winning at it.

you playing with fiyah, your gonna get burnt

I was gonna mobb deep but I can't be arsed now

buuuuuuuuuuuurrrrn

no silly i think YOU'RE going to get burned

Originally posted by seeking

that was the gayest horoscope ive ever read. shit didnt even make no sense.

fuck horoscopes. i'm listening to maynard from tool and warren buffet, everyone else is stupid.

...open my third eye!!!

naw the last rob horoscope was deas on point for the whole week for me even as i type its almost exact..

damn an i got pictures..

"you'll have to be vigilant to avoid getting thrown off course by pretty ephemera and lightweight pleasures."

they get roe everytime....

*spills coffee on lap, mumbles obscenity*

-way to carry the torch beards

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) You’ve got to trust me: The secret to getting girls Is a big belly

its funny casue its true

mine is very true, i can fuckin see half that shit already.