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send this important information about SANTA to your younger siblings

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by -sudz-, Dec 4, 2001.

  1. -sudz-

    -sudz- Guest

    1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

    2) There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 1 . But since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total--leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per house.

    3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, at tops 25-30 miles per hour.

    4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized LEGO set (2 lbs.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the "flying reindeer" can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine--we need 214,200 reindeer. This increased the payload--not even counting the weight of the sleigh--to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison, this is four times the weight of the HMS Queen Elizabeth.

    5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces of 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force. In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas eve, he's now dead.
  2. Fox Mulder

    Fox Mulder 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Nov 23, 2000 Messages: 12,434 Likes Received: 86
    sudz, you still can't give up that there is no santa?j/k
  3. Secret

    Secret Elite Member

    Joined: Apr 20, 2000 Messages: 3,169 Likes Received: 0
    I KNOW there's more than one Santa. There's even a black Santa!! I saw him in Texas at the mall when I was 9 years old.
  4. WebsterUno

    WebsterUno Guest


    Oh yeah right, next youll be saying that
    The Easter Bunny isnt real.
  5. Tyler Durden

    Tyler Durden Veteran Member

    Joined: Nov 18, 2001 Messages: 5,263 Likes Received: 40
    i slashed santas throat with a piece of a broken champagne bottle after we got in a fight at the cd release party for my band "emoped" he bled while i beat his drunken face into the ground with my own bloodied fists. they had to give him mouth to mouth, but they had trouble finding it (the mouth silly....) since i slashed him so bad and he was so covered in blood, he died 3 times on the operating table, but he was revived, i came back into his hospital room and rambled on about how he never got me double dragon 2 for christmas and i was stuck waiting till my birthday, after which i put a pillow over his face and suffocated him, he didnt struggle much (im sure we can all find comfort in that...) i then disposed of his body in the hospitals crematorium (i had to walk him down there 'weekend at bernies' style) after all this i went back up and stole his identity, i am santa claus, i am the one who has been robbing all you fucks who are good and rewarding the bad on christmas (this would be a good time to mention that any girls that are particularly bad and can demonstrate this to "santa" get an extra special candy cane to suck on...) i also shot rudolph in the face with my glock 36 that i carry through the trailer parks/ghettos when i make my runs (that red nose always made me angry, plus rudolph gave me lip, no one gives santa lip and lives...)

    "merry christmas suckers..."

    by the way, after i killed that jolly asshole i raped mrs. claus with the festivus pole.
    trust tyler.
  6. Pilau Hands

    Pilau Hands Guest

    that was my favorite part...
    14.3 quintillion joules...shit that's a spicy meataballa
    holy crapnuggets that's good

    festivus for the rest of us
  7. T.T Boy

    T.T Boy Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 18, 2001 Messages: 21,803 Likes Received: 41
    FESTIVUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahahahahahaha i thought i was the only one who would remember this. hahahah ill be celebrating festivus too.
  8. Rodney Trotter

    Rodney Trotter Senior Member

    Joined: Aug 23, 2001 Messages: 1,683 Likes Received: 1
    Thats some goddam good number crunching. I like.