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Ridiculous things actually said in court. For realzoner.

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by Poop Man Bob, Oct 20, 2003.

  1. Poop Man Bob

    Poop Man Bob Dirty Dozen Crew

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    Ridiculous things actually said in court. For realzoner.

    Discussion started by Poop Man Bob - Oct 20, 2003

    From an email I just received.


    These are from the book "Disorder in the Court" and are things
    people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
    published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying
    calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
    ________________________________________
    Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.
    ________________________________________
    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July 15th.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.
    _______________________________________
    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ________________________________________
    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
    you've forgotten?
    ______________________________________
    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.
    ______________________________________
    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
    wokeup that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.
    ________________________________________
    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
    or the occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.
    _________________________________________
    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    _________________________________________
    Q: The youngest son, the twenty year-old, how old is he?
    __________________________________________
    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    __________________________________________
    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    __________________________________
    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
    _________________________________
    Q: And, how was your marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ________________________________________
    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?
    ____________________________________________
    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ___________________________________________
    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    _________________________________________
    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
    to?
    A: Oral.
    ___________________________________________
    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
    autopsy.
    __________________________________________
    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    __________________________________________
    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
    pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
    started the autopsy?
    A: No.

    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
    practicing law somewhere.
     
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  2. SteveAustin

    SteveAustin 12oz Veteran Member

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    SteveAustin - Replied Oct 20, 2003

    nice...not surprising in the least.
     
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  3. mr.yuck

    mr.yuck 12oz Veteran Member

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    mr.yuck - Replied Oct 20, 2003

    Hahaha thats great. I have heard all types of lawyers talk that crazy shit when i have gone to court. I swear I actually got Lionell Hutz before. That was a disaster.
     
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  4. $360

    $360 12oz Elite Member

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    $360 - Replied Oct 20, 2003

    yes, voodoo:lol:
     
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  5. Vanity

    Vanity 12oz Veteran Member

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    Vanity - Replied Oct 20, 2003

    i found myself saying "sir" a lot.
     
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  6. nomadawhat

    nomadawhat 12oz Veteran Member

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    nomadawhat - Replied Oct 20, 2003



    hahaha.. some of my faves...
     
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  7. --zeSto--

    --zeSto-- 12oz Veteran Member

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    --zeSto-- - Replied Oct 20, 2003

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
    A: ORAL!

    that's too funny.
    Those law-talkers aren't as smart as they think.
     
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  8. !@#$%

    !@#$% Moderator Crew

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    !@#$% - Replied Oct 20, 2003

    these are hott.
    it's interesting how bad legalese has gotten when a question series like this is seen:

    Q: And, how was your marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    turrible.

    fucking funny though
    my fave:

    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
     
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  9. phels

    phels 12oz Junior Member

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    phels - Replied Oct 20, 2003

    Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.

    fuckin genius
     
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  10. ClueTwo

    ClueTwo 12oz Veteran Member

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    ClueTwo - Replied Oct 20, 2003

    I didn;t know that Doctors had a such a good sense of humor....
     
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  11. CAPiTA

    CAPiTA 12oz Member

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    CAPiTA - Replied Oct 20, 2003

    PGW
     
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  12. crave

    crave 12oz Veteran Member

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    crave - Replied Oct 20, 2003

    ^ haha, true.

    funny as fuck. thanks, i needed that.
     
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  13. Evil Dee

    Evil Dee 12oz Senior Member

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    Evil Dee - Replied Oct 20, 2003

    Ha ha ha ha. Classic.
     
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  14. i11igul

    i11igul 12oz Senior Member

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    i11igul - Replied Oct 20, 2003

    is the whole book filled with shit exactly like the above quoted, if so it sounds like something i could get into, good stuff
     
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  15. yoink

    yoink 12oz Elite Member

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    yoink - Replied Oct 20, 2003

    what about one of the "snipers" defense quotes...


    "There's three truths. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I always thought there was just one truth,"



    Exsqueeze me? what the fuck are you trying to say!?!!
     
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