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POOPING


stuntastic

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do i have any special rituals when it's time to take a shit?

 

well yes, as a matter of fact i do.

 

private and public shitting rituals can differ greatly.

 

for now, lets focus on the steps involved in dropping the kids off at the pool in a public location.

 

STEP 1- step one basically involves surveillance and intelligence gathering. who else is shitting in this bathroom? does their shit stink so bad that it will disturb me and interfere with enjoying my own personal aroma? do i want to sit directly next to this dude and totally freak him out with the ferocity of my dump? chances are i do. especially living in asia, i generally feel the need to rep for americans, in that we do everything bigger and better than they do. i want that old chinese man to be in AWE of the atrocity that is my white american ass.

 

STEP 2- flush first. after selecting my throne, i flush first. even if the water looks clean, how do you know someone didn't spit in it? maybe someone drank a lot of water and took one of those transparent pisses that can go completely undetectable and didn't flush. i don't want this nasty pisswater splashing up into my asshole when i drop the goosebombs.

 

STEP 3- the third step is what i like to call, "building the goose nest". i remove ALL the toilet paper from the roll. all of it. yes, you heard me correctly, take the fucking TP roll off of the dispenser, and i take ALL of the TP off of the roll. i start layering my TP around the bowl, creating a nice fluffy nest to perch on. then i decide how much TP i'll need for asswiping and hold on to that. i leave a generous supply, as you never know what the hell is going to happen once we set the wheels of poo in motion.

 

STEP 4- now i take the empty toilet paper roll and put my penis inside of it. sitting carefully on to the nest, i place my cardboard protected penis onto the edge of the bowl, making sure there is absolutely no penis to toilet contact. i get comfy. maybe light up a cigarette. take a deep breath...

 

STEP 5- bombs away. hold nothing back. take no prisoners. make it loud. nothing wrong with a little grunting, tennis pro style, too.

 

STEP 6- wipe.

 

STEP 7- flush.

 

STEP 8- wash hands. this is when i'm hoping my crapping neighbor will finish at the same time as me, so i can see the fear in his eyes after witnessing my ass in all of it's glory.

 

STEP 9- try to get home for a shower asap. i usually need it.

 

 

but this is all pretty standard stuff, right?

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i am very happy to find out many share these unspoken perhpas should i say, taboo, rituals. speaking as a cigaette smoker i find that after i smoke, espeically after i have a big meal, i can just poop like there is no tomarow. to be honest here guys, i am in college and have to share abthroom with a bnch of stoinky dudes. i have become a master at the public bathroom poop. the way i see it is if everyone is doing it, why not get excited about it. let people know whats really good. ya dig.

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Originally posted by perhap@Nov 6 2004, 01:13 AM

not a ritual, but i cannot shit in a public restroom. ill wait til i get to hotel, home, friends relatives.

 

different subject:

what if you broke the arm you wipe with....would you adopt ambidextrousness? or play it easy and take the middle route?

 

 

i actually have a funny story about breaking both my collarbones at the same time..

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The only thing I hate is when you're reading while laying cable and you get really into whatever it is that happens to have found it's way into your hands, I'm really bad with stuff like that. You'll be in there for 15 minutes and not even notice it cluthing onto a bottle of isotropyl rubbing alcohol (the expensive kind, you know it's good because there's a lot of words on the label) or the latest maxim all "Wow, I didn't know I could use this for muscle aches!" or "Damn Tori, I'd suck sour cream out of that ass!", then you realize all the while you've got digested white castle and hot pockets stuck to your inner-asscheeks and toilet water absorbing into your bloodstream. Makes you feel like a straight-up dickhead, that's the worst part. Having to face yourself in the mirror moments later or walk out into company knowing you had to just wet toilet paper to sponge down your ass because you couldn't escape the intellectual draw of the Washing Instructions section of the latest issue of Herbal Essence Mango Berry. Shit is pitiful, man.

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Originally posted by 26SidedCube@Nov 7 2004, 02:14 AM

The only thing I hate is when you're reading while laying cable and you get really into whatever it is that happens to have found it's way into your hands, I'm really bad with stuff like that. You'll be in there for 15 minutes and not even notice it cluthing onto a bottle of isotropyl rubbing alcohol (the expensive kind, you know it's good because there's a lot of words on the label) or the latest maxim all "Wow, I didn't know I could use this for muscle aches!" or "Damn Tori, I'd suck sour cream out of that ass!", then you realize all the while you've got digested white castle and hot pockets stuck to your inner-asscheeks and toilet water absorbing into your bloodstream. Makes you feel like a straight-up dickhead, that's the worst part. Having to face yourself in the mirror moments later or walk out into company knowing you had to just wet toilet paper to sponge down your ass because you couldn't escape the intellectual draw of the Washing Instructions section of the latest issue of Herbal Essence Mango Berry. Shit is pitiful, man.

 

 

haha...you have no idea how many bottles of hair spray, toothpaste, baby wipes, lotion or any other object found in my bathroom with words....if I get really bored on the shitter I will try to pronounce the chemicals in some of the household cleaners I got under the sink.

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