lord_casek Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Your child comes home late every night. It has developed a curious habit lately of listening to heavy metal rock music. It no longer pays you any attention. It seems preoccupied. It spends more and more of its time away from home. You suspect that your child is experimenting with drugs. What can a parent do? Like millions of other American youths, your child has most likely joined a Satanic cult. Though you may be shocked when you realize the truth, it is important to bear in mind that all teenagers at one time or another join cults. It's something that most parents don't want to face or deal with, so they try to ignore it. Discussing Devil worship with your child can be almost as awkward as trying to talk about sex. Now that you run the risk of losing your child to a cult, how do you go about turning its interest back to the home and family? The answer is simple. Children tend to look elsewhere for things that are lacking in their own lives. If your youngster is attending rituals with strangers, it is because you are not providing what your child needs. Satanic cult ritual abuse should begin at home, with the family. While you and your spouse have been secretly worshipping Satan in the privacy of your bedroom, you should have been sharing this intimate ritual with your kids. Children want and need to be involved in abusive rituals to create bonds between other family members that are strong and lasting. Now that you know what you need to do, where do you begin? WHY FORM A CULT? By and large, the main reason your children should worship the Devil is to help them develop Multiple Personality Disorders (MPDs). These are very special traits that most children need and most likely will not receive in school. The more you tear away at a child's self image, the stronger it becomes. A child can only develop healthy MPDs after experiencing years and years of cult abuse. Remember the first time your parents abused you during a Satanic ritual? Remember how good it felt? THE DISCUSSION Choosing the right time to speak with your child is very important. Probably the best time for a discussion is when your child urgently needs to use the restroom. Sit it down and tell it that it can take care of its needs after you have a little chat. Abruptly slap the child in the face and tell it that it will not be allowed to leave the house at night anymore. If the child puts up a fight, slap it harder. Do not allow the child to go to the bathroom until it agrees to your demands. When it returns from the restroom, tell your child that it will be required to attend Satanic cult rituals with the family beginning the following day after supper. Slap the child again and send it to bed. WHY PRACTICE RITUALS? Torture and pain release energy into the family circle and increase the spiritual power of the individuals. Rituals must be precisely completed as prescribed to prevent the wrath of Satan and his demons. The main reason for participation in rituals is to destroy self esteem and self confidence. Therefore, if anyone complains that the rituals make them feel bad, tell them that this is exactly how they are supposed to feel. Ritual #1: Testing the Feces On the first night, the family sits in a circle around a fire in the living room. One by one, each person stands and defecates onto a paper plate. After each family member has done their "duty", the plates are passed around the circle for inspection and testing. Testing is accomplished by placing a tablespoon of the feces on the back of the tongue. Explain to your children that they are eating pieces of Satan's body and that this is an honor. Should they be hesitant to taste the "food", threaten them by telling them they will be forced to go to church the following Sunday. This will prompt most children to immediately obey any command. During this ritual, the family should openly discuss their feelings. Ask your children to express any visual imagery they might be experiencing. After all the feces have been tested, throw them on the fire. The family should then say goodnight and retire for the evening. Ritual #2: Mommy Gets Tubed Begin the second night's ritual by saying a short prayer to the Devil. The mother's body is then suspended naked from the ceiling. The other family members take turns inserting tubes into the ears, nose, mouth, barnhole, and mystery hole of the mother. Once the tubes have been inserted, each person takes turns pouring liquids into the tubes to see what effect they have. Try using bleach, paint remover, insecticide, weed killer, or battery acid. Be creative. Mom will be sure to let you know how she feels by making funny faces and by creating some intriguing sounds. After she has been sufficiently tested, the remaining family members take turns lashing at Mom with a metal rod. After she has been properly beaten, put Mom to bed so that she may recover for the next night's ritual. Ritual #3: Sacrificing the Dog As you and your children should already know, any dog that is truly loyal is a dog that must be sacrificed. Begin by petting your furry trusting friend and giving him some treats. Then have the youngest family member nail the dog's feet to the floor. Do not bind the snout of the dog. The dog must be allowed to sing about its pain. Each person then takes part in removing the dog's skin, taking care not to burst any main arteries. The dog must remain alive during the skinning. Once the dog has been skinned, twenty thick needles are inserted through its muscle tissue. The dog's urgent, strained cries are heavenly music to Satan's delicate ears. After it has been tortured for a minimum of 90 minutes, throw the dog on the fire and do some serious chanting. When it stops breathing, the ritual is over. The family can now begin discussing what kind of dog they want next. Ritual #4: Sister Has a "Baby" Your daughter has made a serious error in judgment and tonight she must pay. She allowed herself to be impregnated by a black man, and this mistake must now be corrected. Have your son tie his sister securely to the dining room table with heavy rope. Each family member then lights a black candle and drips hot wax onto the daughter's breasts and eyelids. In this particular ritual, the daughter's mouth should be taped so that she cannot make any sound. This is her punishment for making such a bad mistake. The mock abortion then begins. The mother lifts the daughter's skirt and pretends to remove a large lizard from her barnhole. As soon as the lizard has been "born", it is sliced in half and eaten. Next, the father pulls slugs from underneath the daughter's dress as if she were "having" them. The son then pulls live pig embryos from the daughter's mystery hole that were inserted prior to the ritual. If all goes according to plan, the embryos will now float in a circle over the daughter's head chanting familiar nursery rhymes. All the family members then ridicule the daughter by telling her how ugly her barnhole is. They take turns making lacerations in her abdomen. The daughter is then untied and told that she is now healthy. Ritual #5: Like Father, Like Son Women can never worship Satan properly until they understand what makes men tick. This ritual begins with the mother and daughter showing homosexual porn videos to the father and brother. As the men become aroused, they remove their clothing and stand naked before the women. The father and son then perform mutually until they reach orgasm. As their seed falls to the floor, the women must catch it in little glass vials. The vials are then heated over an open fire. As soon as the semen boils, LSD is added to it. Each family member then ingests a small amount of the mixture. Once everyone is tripping, the family takes turns branding each other with a hot cattle prod. Remember...any pain that may be experienced is imaginary. The ritual ends with the family playing "Jingle Jangle" on kazoos. Ritual #6: Beating the Hell Out of Each Other The sixth ritual is relatively simple. After donning black gowns and meditating for a few moments, the family simply tries to kill one another. In this ritual, anything is game. Individuals may use knives, sticks, bats, or anything they deem will be useful to them to adequately injure other family members. The only stipulation during this ritual is that each individual must yell "Satan is Lord" prior to delivering any cuts or blows. After everyone has been cut up and beaten, any and all blood must be drained into a large aluminum bucket. Once the bucket is full, each person urinates into it. Thus endeth ritual number six. Ritual #7: Having Friends Over to Play At this point, your children may complain that they are never allowed to have friends over. This is a good time to tell them that they can have a female friend over to join in tonight's ritual. Have your children tell the friend to arrive after dark. Prior to the girl's arrival, a small isolation pit should be dug in the back yard, out of the sight of neighbors. When the friend arrives, her tongue is severed and she is thrown into the pit. This ritual is ongoing, as the girl is slowly and methodically starved and tortured. Urine and blood saved from the prior ritual should be lightly sprinkled onto the girl each morning. All family members are invited to creatively abuse the girl at least once daily. Some families claim that after they get used to the new pet, they never even want another dog. DETERMINING THE RESULTS If you've performed these rituals correctly, your child will be permanently affected. The things your child should have learned are: (1) obedience, (2) the importance of listening to others, (3) respect for parents, (4) how to play a kazoo, and (5) the difference between right and wrong. The next time you think about going out for dinner or to a movie, perform a Satanic ritual instead. You'll not only save your family money...you'll save their souls as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tough Love Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 i didnt read all of it becuase it was so long however, i did read some, and it was quite funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyler Durden Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 SATANXRULES. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kr430n5_666 Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 satan, father, help me from this grave. demons, warriors, ever be my slaves. i can raise the fires of hell and blasphemy. we can grow strong, satanic royalty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RumPuncher Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 hahaha... barnhole! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KING BLING Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Originally posted by lord_casek@Jan 30 2006, 09:04 AM The vials are then heated over an open fire. As soon as the semen boils, LSD is added to it. Each family member then ingests a small amount of the mixture. Once everyone is tripping, the family takes turns branding each other with a hot cattle prod. Remember...any pain that may be experienced is imaginary. The ritual ends with the family playing "Jingle Jangle" on kazoos. Quoted post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Politics&Bullshit Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 We're all going to hell!!! :eek: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thecarwreck Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr skaguy Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 haha where the hell did you get that its funny , but gives satanism an even worse wrap still made me lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neskoner Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 i joined a cult once,but i didnt like the punch they made for the sacrifice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kr430n5_666 Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theGOON Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 goat sacrificing... mmmMMMMEEEEEETTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 but seriously, that was probably the longest thing i've ever read on this forum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonesome Cowboy Bill Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 sounds like one of dawood's post except allah is changed with satan... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gigantic Jug Posted February 5, 2006 Share Posted February 5, 2006 i wish my parents would sacrafice me to satan.... i bet he would love me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CACashRefund Posted February 5, 2006 Share Posted February 5, 2006 not with only one jug... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gigantic Jug Posted February 5, 2006 Share Posted February 5, 2006 i guess im fucked then huh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
murderland_bgk Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 yum lol 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iloveboxcars Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 you bumped a 4 year old thread to say "yum lol" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoCakes Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 and furthermore how did you find this thread. weirdo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soup Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 I dunno but this is classic casek. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsmbfan Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 why make new material? just repost shit from 2006. most of us weren't around then. those of you still active from then, well thats kind of sad in a way. those of you who aren't with us anymore, may you RIP (peace or prison). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chubbs Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 i'll just leave this here.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
murderland_bgk Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Re: parent's guide to satanic rituals you bumped a 4 year old thread to say "yum lol" it was a joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iloveboxcars Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Re: parent's guide to satanic rituals and a hilarious one at that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iloveboxcars Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Re: parent's guide to satanic rituals those of you still active from then, well thats kind of sad in a way. . say that in a year playboy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LexDiamonds Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Re: parent's guide to satanic rituals FUCK! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
murderland_bgk Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 idek it was an old thread that no one posted in for 4 years but atleast the thread is back alive but watever dude Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acer910 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 puuuuurty funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ice Nerves Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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