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Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by bobobi11, Nov 1, 2001.

  1. bobobi11

    bobobi11 Elite Member

    Joined: Dec 15, 2000 Messages: 2,807 Likes Received: 0

    To the citizens of the United States of America,

    In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
    govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    independence, effective today.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over
    all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
    does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for
    the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
    outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
    for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
    questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
    are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
    look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
    just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
    your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the
    twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
    know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
    your behalf.

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
    really isn't that hard.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
    good guys.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
    but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
    confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
    football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
    The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
    may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
    longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
    Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
    game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
    (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
    a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
    nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
    they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
    a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
    have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
    national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
    own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    Thank you for your cooperation.
  2. bobobi11

    bobobi11 Elite Member

    Joined: Dec 15, 2000 Messages: 2,807 Likes Received: 0
    What the world would be like if ruled by men

    1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically
    forward your call to her real number.

    2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
    acceptable response to "I love you."

    3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

    4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during
    the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
    during a time-out.

    5. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and
    a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

    6. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

    7. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of
    people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."

    8. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of
    the NFL team of your choice.

    9. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

    10. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night"
    would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

    11. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd
    jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and
    right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

    12. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put
    on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

    13. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for
    violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

    14. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

    15. Garbage would take itself out.

    16. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

    17. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present
    your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

    18. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it
    would only occur in leap years.

    19. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the
    day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

    20. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
    But it would be celebrated every month.

    21. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in
    advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

    22. Two words: Ally McNaked.

    23. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer
    and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
    pay-per-view event in world history.

    24. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill
    and eat the losers.

    25. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be
    Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

    26. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long
    as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

    27. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards
    per year.

    28. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
    responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
    Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
    You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
    Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

    29. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

    30. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

    31. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

    32. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of
  3. Organ Donor

    Organ Donor Elite Member

    Joined: Apr 4, 2001 Messages: 2,884 Likes Received: 0
    that first one is one of the best things i have read in a long time. so funny, and so true.
  4. T.T Boy

    T.T Boy Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 18, 2001 Messages: 21,803 Likes Received: 41
    the first one was fucking good. british humor i guess........
  5. bobobi11

    bobobi11 Elite Member

    Joined: Dec 15, 2000 Messages: 2,807 Likes Received: 0
    Thanks. There was a whole bunch of these things on the site I found. www.dumblists.com